To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

I think under normal circumstances going to NZ for a couple of months would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do. But these aren't normal circumstances. The borders are closed. So even though, as a Kiwi, you're allowed home, flights are incredibly hard to come by. You'll have to quarantine in Auckland or Christchurch - at your own cost, because you're not going home to live - for two weeks. And then who knows if you'll be able to get a flight back to the UK again when you want one.

We were supposed to go to NZ for Christmas. Obviously we can't because of needing to quarantine, but even if that weren't an issue our flight has been cancelled anyway.

I can only imagine how isolated you feel right now, OP. But I don't think it's doable in the present circumstances. Skype/call every day. Use the apps PPs have mentioned to find people nearby. Move your in-laws in for a month. Go to baby groups, even if you have to wear a mask.

Definitely talk to your husband about how lonely you are. Lay it all on the line. Get him to talk to his bosses about working from home for one or two days a week. Or compressing hours on 4 days so the 5th can be shorter.

How long have you been on your meds for? Do you need to review them?

I moved across the world to somewhere I knew nobody so I understand a little of what you are experiencing. I did however have my husband and it drew us closer together.
Try to cherish the one on one time you have with your baby at the moment.
Everyone is finding it hard. Your husband needs your support. If you go under present conditions you are leaving your husband and tearing your marriage apart. Perhaps anti depressants would help?

The baby deserves an engaged, emotionally available parent in a strong community.

The baby also deserves a father.

When my second DC arrived, I took both DC back to my parents' country for 3 months with DH coming for a few weeks in the middle.

That cant happen now though.

@Threelittlekittens08 What if you do go and its not the way you remember.Your family over there have lives,jobs.They wont be there all the time.

What if your dh doesnt want you to come back.If he decides the marriage is over.What then.

You could be stuck out there for ages.No one knows how this is going to end.

I can understand where you are, depression is so hard to see a way out of, and enforced loneliness makes it so much harder. Just some things to consider though... by leaving you will be isolating your husband further and taking away his support network and his child, he will be quite rightly hurt and may well feel betrayed which will need to be acknowledged. He will feel that he is not enough for you and while I do agree you need to prioritise mental health and take care of yourself, this will be to the detriment of his mental health and consequently your marriage. I too think 6 months is far too long (it’s more than half your baby’s current life). I think you need to discuss with him the issue and brainstorm potential options available to you including this one but I’m pretty sure he will say you need to decide and work through things together as a team.

Go! Come back at Easter when the weather is improving and Covid is waning again. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity to sped time with your Mum while you have your first baby.

The majority of my friends / colleagues who have had post-natal depression had moved house shortly before giving birth. I believe that a new mother's need for a stable and familiar home life is hard-wired. Spending time with your Mum in the New Zealand summer instead of feeling lonely this horrid Covid-lockdown winter sounds like a recipe for healing your depression and coming home ready to make friends next spring, by which point your little one will be ready to begin making friends too.

I think the wording is a little off, I would call it a long holiday apposed to moving there or leaving hubby in any way. Going to NZ is a long journey and people do tend to make these trips longer to account for travelling however, you would need to look at the wider implications and practicalities of it. You and your DH could need to self isolate before you travel, you may have to quarantine when you get there anyway, is that something you can do? Also for your DS you may need to consider vaccinations he will be due, and if you are there an extended period of time, is this something you can achieve out there? Do you actually have the funds to be in NZ for an extended period of time and actually support yourself? I would think about those aspects first, the other major 'risk' you run, is not wanting to come back, or not being able to come back Covid dependant, while of course your mental heath is important, expecting your DH to be completely supportive of not seeing his wife and son for a potentially unknown period of time, might be a bit of a stretch with the added stress of what happens if you don't want to come back.

This doesn't sound like a coping mechanism that someone with depression would jump to. This sounds like an escape plan from an abusive marriage. If that isn't the case, then you must see that your actions are not reasonable. You do not leave a happy marriage and take someone's child away to the other side of an inaccessible world for 6 months, just so you can see your mum

I don’t even know what to say to this.

I’m considering going to stay with my family so this must mean I’m in an abusive marriage? Christ!

All this talk of legal advice, abandoning my marriage, ruining my sons relationship with his father.

I had a chat with mum last night and she suggested going to visit.
She didn’t suggest just me and my son, she suggested all of us, but as I said in my first post, I cant expect my husband to take a career break.

I do think 3 months seems much more reasonable, maybe even 2 months.
At this stage it’s literally just an idea, one I’ve yet to even discuss with my husband.
I haven’t made any decisions, I’m just considering things.

When our son was 11 weeks old my husband had to do a 4 week training course for his job.
He would leave on a Sunday night and return the following Saturday morning.

We did this for 4 weeks, with a new baby, during a pandemic, whilst we lived in an area I had zero support.
Unless you have experienced this kind of loneliness you cannot simply comprehend how much I suffered then and how much I’m suffering with my mental health right now.

Oh course my husband and I will discuss every single possibility and I may not even go, but honestly, unless you are feeling the way I am right now, then please don’t judge me for considering this trip.

MN loves to talk about 'his' children when declaring that men should do 50% of all childcare. Yet, some posters here are happily suggesting that the mother takes the baby away from his father for 6 months .
I am reminded of the film Marriage Story with Scarlett Johansson
(Oscar nominated picture 2020). She takes her son for an extended period to stay with her family and stays there. By not objecting, her husband has lost his child except for occasional visits to see him.
The OP may completely love being back in NZ with her family and decide not to return. It seems like a very self centred decision to me.

Your home is where you live, your family is your husband and baby. It sounds like you want to run away but that isn't going to help, unless you just want to divorce and go back to your parents permanently.

Why not get a job and childcare now instead? Or help with PND if that's the issue.

I know plenty of couples who have tried living apart for months. They are all divorced or vocally miserable

If in the conversation with your husband he told you that if you left he would consider the marriage over, would you still think about going? As in would you still at that point need to weigh up the options?

If the answer there is yes, you might still go despite the outcome, then i dont think your marriage is as happy as you say.

OP is there a reason you are not open to getting a job now that there are plenty out there?

What world is this poster speaking from?

@Harehedge I am a recruitment consultant and September was my best month ever.

Ive been in your exact shoes, twice actually, currently going through the crippling lonliness at the moment, and several years ago too, foreign country, spoke to no one for weeks on end. The reason I think it's a bad idea to go for months away is again personal experience, when you come back you will feel even more alone, you will of gone from the high of seeing friends to back in the emptiness with no routine, also with the ever changing situation you might get stuck out there for longer. I would really urge you to try many of the things suggested in the thread by myself and others (job, online groups, pushing forward with the baby groups, having your PIL move in) making friends in a new place is incredibly hard and upsetting when it feels like it's going nowhere, but setting those foundations will do you far better in the long run than doing them in a extended holiday in new Zealand

I think it's fine OP. Talk it over. People do all kinds of things other people consider to be outrageous, all that matters is that you and your husband are ok with it. We're in very unexpected times and I don't think your suggestion is remotely unreasonable and could be exactly what you need. Of course it's not ideal but we're not living in ideal times. I really hear how much you're suffering.

My whole family is in NZ.

No, you have family here - your DH, DC and if you feel that way, in-laws. I understand your parents are in NZ (are they Kiwis or Brits who have lived in NZ and the UK?) but you have lived in the UK for about 25 years so NZ is not 'home' so much as where your parents live now and where you have an emotional attachment to. You want the support and comfort of your parents and you want them to meet your son which is understandable.

As others have said, I think you should work on improving the situation in the UK, getting support, meeting people, a job or group then plan for baby's first Xmas. Maybe the thought of a trip in Jan/Feb to NZ will keep you going and be a more reasonable proposition to put to your DH.

@ScottishStottie

If in the conversation with your husband he told you that if you left he would consider the marriage over, would you still think about going? As in would you still at that point need to weigh up the options?

If the answer there is yes, you might still go despite the outcome, then i dont think your marriage is as happy as you say.

@ScottishStottie

No, I wouldn’t consider going If my husband said that.
But I couldn’t Imagine him saying this.

I do think 4-6 is too long, that was just an amount of time I quickly thought of when asked at the start of this post.

I think 3 months isn’t unreasonable and definitely worth a discussion with my husband.

OP: how far away from your husband's work do you live? Could you meet for lunch each day? Or a couple of times a week? Even having that contact during the day could help.

Do you take your baby out to the park to play on swings? You might meet other parents there and have someone to talk to that way.

Does your local area have a Facebook page? If so, and it's a friendly bunch of people, why not ask if there are parents with similar-aged babies you could go for walks with during the day? I've seen posts like that in our neighbourhood group and they get good replies.

Could your Mum come back and live with you over here for a while? Presumably your Dad has your sister nearby to keep him company, and your Dad would cope without your Mum for a while.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

from your original post, your DH has nobody around him either OP. No family no friends, it's a new area, and now you want to leave him too.

It sounds like you and your Mum have already made the decision between you both. Good luck letting your DH know, sounds like you'll need it.

Good god. if I were your husband, I would put a block on your baby's travel documents right now.
Because it starts with 2 months, then complacency strikes and all the excuses starts to flow and you are never coming back. Leaving the poor bloke childless with no way to get his family back.

But what will have changed after 3 months? By running away as tempting as that is and I can see why nothing is going to happen to change the situation you are in here.

Sorry if you have already answered but can your parents not come over here for a bit? Then they can help get you feeling at home at home rather than splitting up the family

Jesus Christ, anyone would think the OP is trying to leave forever.

@Threelittlekittens08 if I told my husband I felt the way you did, was on antidepressants and desperate to see my family he'd book the tickets for me and DS. If you have a strong marriage 4 months apart for the sake of your mental health and well-being is nothing. Like you say, he's happy with his job, he has a life outside of the home. You are desperately unhappy and need to get sorted. Yes he'll miss his son, but so do many parents who work abroad, it's really not the end of the world.You need to do it for you.

Have the chat with him and get booked.

YABVU and very selfish. You absolutely can’t take your son away from his father for 4-6 months and the fact you’re even considering it is horrific.

You’re using covid as an excuse; you’re saying in your OP you can’t possibly make friends at the local mum group because you had to wear masks ffs.

You’re lonely. Okay, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, so is everyone else.

But to take a child away from his father for so long? It shouldn’t even be a consideration. You can’t say you love him if you’re even thinking about it.

Some pp are being unnecessarily cruel to an OP who has clearly said she is already struggling.
@Threelittlekittens08, how involved is he with your son? Is part of the problem that you are doing the vast majority of the parenting?

As a new mum myself, I cannot imagine not having any help around, be it family, friends or others. The first months with a baby is really tough and draining on your mental health so please I reckon you should totally go to NZ and give yourself a much needed break.

Communication is key though so sit down with your DH to talk through your plans and logistics. Good luck!