To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

It can only start with a talk with your husband. Due to the Hague convention you will need his agreement. So he needs to agree with you that you'll take the baby and for how long. See what he says. 6 months might be too long for him but he might agree to a shorter time period. See what he says. Give him time to think about it. You don't have to decide together tonight.

I think go as well.

Your husband has work to keep his mind occupied.

My friends marriage broke down as his Australian wife suffered terrible PND and he was at work, she tried with baby groups etc (before the pandemic), but it didn’t help she wanted to go home. She got custody and was allowed home, if they’d been able to discuss options of her going home for a few months maybe the marriage wouldn’t have broken down completely.

I think you need to sit your husband down and have a proper heart to heart and tell him how much you’re mental health is suffering.

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty

If I were your husband I'd be so hurt and seek legal advice if I'm honest.

Legal advice for what? Because the OP wants to go and visit her family?

OP hasn’t said she’s going permanently, infact has hasn’t even said she is going.

Right now it’s a thought. I’m sure a law user would love to get Involved based on a thought.

@Thinkingg

Those who are utterly against this, think it will destroy the marriage - have you ever lived or worked abroad? Are any of your family from foreign countries?

I'm amazed at the shock people are expressing at this idea. In many communities it's completely normal for families to live apart for periods of time - armed forces, international jobs, immigrant families, caring for elderly relatives abroad. There are practical reasons why it can be the best choice, and it does not have to spell the end of a happy marriage.

But all those examples made those decisions together when they decided to have children.

The father here never knew this was on the cards.

I can’t believe how many people are saying the father will be fine, it’s only a few months etc.

I honestly think part time job and nursery would be good. I didn't move, but all my friends did so i also was lonely, couldn't get to baby groups etc as i don't drive and the buses didn't go there, my mum works and in laws a few hours away. In the end though i gradually got talking to other parents at my daughters nursery and now have a lovely group of friends and our children are all best friends.
Even if you don't work maybe try nursery a couple of days a week, use that time to rest/exercise/go out for a nice quiet coffee (if allowed in your area) etc.
I think going will create more problems later down the line, your husband may end up resenting you, you might be more miserable on your return here.

You should focus on making friends where you are now op. And skype with your family every day if you need it. But leaving for months?? Youcant do that to your husband. Nor to your kid. Nor to both. Plus there are plenty of NZ residents stranded in the world struggling to get back home. Not a lot of hope for you to be let into the country for visiting family. You need to shift your brain and heart. Where you live is home now. Because your kid is there. And youe husband. They are your future. And i get where you are coming from as i too have my parents living half way across the world. But running away from something isnt the solution. Because you would still come back to having no friends nor connections where you live rn. And did you even think about the fact that "what if they let you in but won't let you return to your husband due to new restrictions etc? What if something happens to your husband? What if something happens with your kid (broken leg/ anything) and your dh is just left behind in the uk. Or the fact that he might be mentally broken by you leaving him for six months?! (Imagine him up and leaving you for that amount of time) plus missing your parents is not the same as living together 24/7 for months on end. This was fine in teenage years etc( but even then... haha... ) plus what if you end up being there and then regret your disision to walk out on your marriage but then you are stuck because there are no flights back to your dh. The list. Is. Endless...

You are running away op instead of fixing the problem you have. You needto speak with your dh about how you feel.he might not realise the extent of how you feel. Also i feel that he of all people should be able to help you. Considering you married him. You say you are not a child but you are sorta running away to your parents for shelter. And i get the missing of parents. (I havent seen mine in 17 months.... )but you need to figure this out with your dh. And get help from a doctor /psychologist. Talking helps. You are in a marriage. You had a baby with this man. You need to sort thingsout and stop wanting to run away from it. For your own sake. And also your dh and baby.

And all this centering the man stuff.
Im sure your husband works hard for you and your baby, and you just want to move away for months?

Really, the OP works hard looking after their child, she has given up her support network to support her husband's career and she is struggling. She is not selfish.

I do wonder if all those saying "Of course you should go!" would say the same if this was a man saying he wanted to take his kids away from his wife for six months?

Would they be happy to have THEIR kids taken off them for months on end? With the real possibility of those children being stuck on the other side of the world indefinitely with ongoing quarantines and lockdowns and travel restrictions?

This doesn't sound like a coping mechanism that someone with depression would jump to. This sounds like an escape plan from an abusive marriage. If that isn't the case, then you must see that your actions are not reasonable. You do not leave a happy marriage and take someone's child away to the other side of an inaccessible world for 6 months, just so you can see your mum

I think this kind of response is unnecessarily harsh and who is anyone else to say what does and doesn’t sound like a “coping mechanism” for depression? It sounds @Threelittlekittens08 like you are really struggling and it’s completely understandable with a move, isolation, a new baby and Direct family support unavailable. I wonder if a trip to NZ would be a good thing but for a much shorter time than you’re proposing? That way you’ll get some time with your family and some freedom/a change of scene but your DH won’t miss out for too long. Perhaps it might be possible for your DM to come over here in the spring so that you have a shorter time in NZ and then come back with the prospect of her visit two or three months later (so that coming back isn’t too upsetting because there is something else in the pipeline)? This might get you through the worst of this winter and the virus situation and once you’ve had your c. month in NZ and a visit of relatives here then hopefully the virus situation will have improved somewhat enabling you to get to know people locally. I think you might benefit from some ongoing counselling, privately if you can afford it (have a look at the BACP website), someone who you can talk to on a regular basis through this difficult period. A lot of counsellors will negotiate rates or shorter sessions if cost is an issue. Whatever you do and whatever trips you make, try to plan how you will change your situation At home over the next six months - perhaps plan in a shorter trip to NZ and your mother to come here and with the positives of these events look at what you can build in between. A key to managing depression is to put structure into your days, building pleasant activities, time outside, a bit of a timetable for getting up, getting outside, relaxing etc as this is one of the things that goes when our mood is low.

OP - I completely understand how you feel. My family live abroad and after I had my first DS, I felt incredibly isolated, none of my friends had DC. I cut short my maternity leave because I couldn't bear being in my own all day with a young baby.

When my second DC arrived, I took both DC back to my parents' country for 3 months with DH coming for a few weeks in the middle.

Posters here calling you selfish don't understand what it's like to live abroad and have no support network.

I understand Covid restricts your DH's ability to visit but I completely understand why you want to do this.

Go, parents in the armed forces go away for months at a time and they survive. You're miserable and it's not going to get any better.

@SusannaSpider

Also, should have added on my post, that DH has worked away for months at a time, at points during our marriage. He hasn't pined away from being away from DD, he even missed her first birthday. I can't even identify with these men who would be heartbroken if they didn't see their child for a couple of months and the first Christmas? The baby is too young to care. Really her husband is unlikely to be heartbroken, he'll get on with his life, have a bit of chill out time, eat what he wants, have lots of unbroken nights sleep etc. Lots of marriages have periods apart, it's healthy.

Mumsnet is like another world sometimes.

Really intrigued as to why a man who lives with his wife and child can’t eat what he wants?!

My sympathies OP. Its very tough that you have not been able to see your family since the baby came along and your chances to meet other people have been limited by Covid. I don't think it would be unreasonable to go back for a period of time - just not 6 months.

I know quite a few Aussies and English people who live in Australia who go/come back every year for a month without or without their partner. So in these very special circumstances I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to go to for 1-2 months. I'm sure your husband would understand that and want your mental health to get better. However that depends on a couple of things:

1. that you are free to travel there and back - I don't know what the rules are
2. that you will want to come back - the winter months here in the UK are tough to fly back to so it might be very hard to return from NZ in December for instance when its the summer there and winter here. So maybe if your husband agreed you could plan to go in Jan/Feb and come back in March - missing the worst months here and coming back for spring.

your just running away from your current situation

Surely recognising you aren't coping alone with a global pandemic is the natural precursor to doing something about it (like going to where you're with family and there isn't a pandemic).

I think posters are just jealous they're not in NZ and resent NZ because they didn't 'learn to live' with covid and are consequently largely fine. It's galling.

I’m not being funny here but lets flip this round, say your husband was in the position that you are now and was going to take your son halfway across the world and you couldn’t see either of them for 6 months. Don’t think you’d like that. Even a month is too long for your son not to see his dad. That poor man is going out and working hard and long hours to support you both. I can’t even believe others are telling you to go and I’m pretty sure their response would be different if it was a man talking about taking away his children from their mother.

Regardless wouldn’t you need your husbands permission to take your son out of the country?

I hope you get the help you need to make you feel better I really do, I know how much mental health issues can make you feel so isolated. Please get some help OP. 💜

I'm sorry but I think this would be so cruel to take your son away from his father for 6 months. You say you don't want to be rule breakers by allowing your in laws to move in but that's a far better option than taking a child away from a parent

And all this centering the man stuff.

It's not "centering the man" to recognise that it would be difficult for a decent father to be separated from his child for so long, when it's not absolutely unavoidable.

Would it be "centering the woman" to acknowledge that a mother couldn't bear to have her 9-month-old moved away to another country for months?

I don't think when a mother is the primary caregiver, it makes any sense to compare it. It certainly won't feel the same for the child!

Children of soldiers manage.

I think 3-6 months is too long for the baby to be away from his father. Maybe a month or so would work? I'm not familiar with the quarantine procedures in NZ, which might complicate matters, but presumably you would factor that in.

My DH used to have a job that took him very far away from home for about nine months of the year. Not as far as NZ but nearly 1000 miles away. We always alternated monthly visits between the two locations. Even so it was extremely difficult to have that distance between him and the rest of the family. And 3-6 months without seeing him in person would have been a nightmare. We lived this way for several years out of necessity. Thank goodness it is in the past now.

Are you currently looking for work? That would be my main piece of advice. Even the process of job hunting can give a sense of purpose and shape to your days. Once you have a job, you will have more contact with the outside world and potentially the chance to make friends locally.

@24Cheeseandwin5

My default was not to blame the DH. I missed the part in the update where she mentioned that husband is aware and supportive. I don't assume that the husband is to blame, I was just thinking that the conversation is very different if he has no clue about any of this and his wife announces this compared to him being through this pnd journey with her. Also if was completely unaware it's worth thinking about the relationship. But since he is aware and supportive, the conversation is more likely going to be fruitful.

Susannaspider

I wouldn’t want to be with a man that wouldn’t be heartbroken at missing his child’s first Christmas or a couple of months of development. It’s such a turn-off that I’m having a visceral reaction at the very idea of letting a man like that even touch me.

I think posters are just jealous they're not in NZ and resent NZ because they didn't 'learn to live' with covid and are consequently largely fine.

Nonsense!

I also think.... I couldn't be fine and happy if my partner's was in the OP's position. I'd be worried sick. I don't think he deserves anyone martyring themselves for him. The baby deserves an engaged, emotionally available parent in a strong community.

Children of soldiers manage, yes. Manage. But those soldiers usually know going into it that this is what they're signing up for. It's unavoidable.

It's quite different for a man to work a settled job where he doesn't even need to travel for work and suddenly have this suggestion sprung upon him.

Maybe it will work out. Maybe he'll actually agree that it's for the best. But I wouldn't blame him for being hurt and unwilling to miss out on months of time with his baby!

6 weeks, maybe. 4-6 months? No way. Reverse the situation and see how you feel. What if DH said "Yes go, but you will go alone. My mum/a Nanny will move in and take care of DS whilst you're gone". Would that be OK with you?

Are you getting counseling? I understand it's basically loneliness, but counseling can still help and give you skills to cope.