To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

I think you have to have a conversation with him as soon as possible. Maybe he doesn't know how bad you are feeling. If he did maybe he could think of some other solutions.
I don't think it is fair of you to take off to NZ for several months with your DC and leave your DH behind, meaning he will miss out on months of his child's development.

One thing you could do straightaway while working out a longer term solution is to book in zoom chats with friends - arrange 2 or 3 per week so that you have something to look forward to. It's not the same as meeting up in person but it's still lovely to chat with people.

@WoolyMammoth55

To all the posters making judgy "selfish" comments I'd just point out:

• this isn't a normal time by any stretch of the imagination
• being an isolated FTM is hard under any circumstances
• there's a huge rise in suicide rates in the UK and globally
• think before you type and for god's sake, if you can't be kind, shut up!

Its nivce to see how you haven't considered the consequences this will have on her DH and his mental health to have his son taken to the other side of the world? Esp with the time difference. And the child missing out on his father due to his mothers selfishness.

If I was him I'd be seriously looking into a.court order preventing you from removing your son from the country.

Those who are utterly against this, think it will destroy the marriage - have you ever lived or worked abroad? Are any of your family from foreign countries?

The pandemic changes everything. It's one thing being apart when you know you're only a plane ride away. It's completely different if they're in a country that you are barred from entering and have no idea what additional restrictions might impact on them returning.

I think 6 months is totally unfair to your baby and husband. I do understand your
Mental health needs but your husband needs you and baby too. I couldn’t do it myself but good luck with whatever you choose to do.

I have no intention of permanently staying in NZ.

I have every bit of confidence that you thoughts on that will change when you need to fly back to the UK. You won't want to come back. And then it'll begin again

If you're going to do it, you need to discuss the full reality with your husband. I understand why you're tempted, and maybe it is the best thing for your family right now that you get back on an even keel, but you need to be realistic about how this will affect your son's relationship with his father and how you're going to rebuild that.

His son won't recognise him when you come back. You will need to rebuild that relationship from scratch. If you're going to do it, do it soon because once your son is 18months +, it would be incredibly cruel to both of them. Say you go now, he'll be 14 months when you get back. You'll have to deal with the emotional fall out of him not wanting to go to Daddy. Can your husband take some time off work when you return to prioritise establishing a relationship with his son?

Could you Mum come over to stay with you instead?

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@Devlesko

I don't think it's selfish, if you can leave your husband and think of home as somewhere you haven't lived since being 9, you should go.
No reason for you to stay, tbh.
I pity him.

It’s home because it’s currently where my family are.[/quote]
Sorry @threelittlekittens08 but I disagree. Your family are your DH and son. Home is where they are surely?

You need to tell your husband you aren't coping. He should be your best friend, your partner in life he should have your back.

Why do you feel you can't talk to him?

@YellowJellyfish

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely and that needs to be addressed but not by punishing your baby and husband.

Oh for goodness sake! The OP is hardly punishing her husband or baby by planning on going to visit her family.

Sounds to me like OP needs some support and normality right now, which she’s likely to get in NZ.

Happy mum, happy baby! Surely things can’t be any worse by OP having some R&R with hey family.

I’ve already agreed 4-6 months is too long, but a 3 month trip could do her mental health the world of good!

Imagine the alarm bells that would ring if a man tried to do this with his child.
If I were your husband I'd be so hurt and seek legal advice if I'm honest.

@ Thinkingg Those who are utterly against this, think it will destroy the marriage - have you ever lived or worked abroad? Are any of your family from foreign countries?

I'm in an international marriage and have never left for months. I think the longest was four weeks during a family crisis. Given the circumstances (distance, need to quarantine) I think longer is perfectly reasonable. But I personally don't think staying away for more than 3 months is a good idea, she and her husband have to sort this out between them.

I have several international friends and can't think of any where one partner went back to their home country for months at a time - weeks, yes, when someone was ill or another crisis.

I'm sorry, but I do think it's selfish to take a baby away from his father for 3 to 6 months, unless it's absolutely unavoidable. I'd be deeply hurt if my husband suggested leaving me to visit family for that long, and that's without the issue of not seeing my baby for possibly up to half a year.

I'd start by talking to my husband about how much you're struggling. Does he not realise how bad things are for you? Would this suggestion come as a complete shock, or does he know the degree to which you're depressed and lonely?

Taking a baby away from a parent, forcing him to miss out on so much that you simply can't get back again, it just seems like such an extreme course of action.

Maybe if the two of you talk seriously about just how sad you're feeling at the moment, you can come up with alternatives. If your mother could come and stay with you for a while, would that be enough to help you?

I feel so sorry for you but I don't think going to NZ for six months is the answer here. You can't just take your son away from his dad like that - in fact, your DH could apply for an injunction to stop you taking him at all.

Everyone is struggling with the pandemic but disappearing abroad for half a year won't solve anything long-term. In fact, I think it will cause a huge amount of problems in your marriage and I also suspect you may not want to come back afterwards.

How would you feel if your husband wanted to fuck off with your son for six months and leave you on your own?

I am a kiwi living in London.

My thoughts are that you must go. Your husband must realise that if he can't reduce his hours or provide support then you should go get some support. It is not as though you can just rock up and make new friends because of covid restrictions. I

I regret not going with the children as soon as covid happened.

If your husband is working long hours etc then he can FaceTime you and the baby.

My husband has worked long hours, every day and is never home. I have older children but it has been very tough.

I would go now and look to come back in February of next year.

You know how you are feeling and I think if you can improve the situation by going and getting some support then you should!

Take care

What you're suggesting seems very reasonable to me and I'm sure if you had an open and honest chat with your husband he'd feel the same.

And would it be as resonable if her husband were to take their child away for months on end with the real possibility of once there, never returning? His only 'crime' seems to be to work hard for her and their child. Lots of families have found the pandemic hard to cope with, breaking apart a family isn't a fair solution.

OP, you are getting a really hard time on here.

I really sympathise with you. I don't know the practicalities of getting to NZ but it is worth a conversation with your DH.

Just a reminder people - thinking is not a crime. The OP has not done anything except consider a thought in her own head.

@Wnikat

Could you Mum come over to stay with you instead?

It really baffles me that people are actually suggesting this.

OP has said she is in a high risk area, this means it’s very likely lots of things will be restricted very soon.

Surely OP having a few months with her family in less restrictive circumstances would be more beneficial.

Speak to your husband. I think the people on here saying you are 1)selfish and 2)will be the end of your marriage, are being overly dramatic. If I were your husband and you as my wife were so depressed I'd likely be okay with two months maybe three at a push. It would obviously be so hard being away from his child so long. However, this isnt a long term solution. You will need to think how you will be happier long term in the uk. Maybe you need to consider him changing job and relocating back to where your friends are or his family.

Presumably you do everything with/for baby so I don't see a problem. You need to look after yourself. Lots of men work abroad for long stints and only see their kids once a year at most- no different.

You need to be well for your baby. These are unprecedented times and you're clearly not well. Your husband doesn't seem to have suggested any life change to help you despite your rather desperate situation. I think it makes sense to go although it is very sad that your husband will miss out on this time. Your baby will benefit from a more engaged mum, extended family and social development opportunities that aren't acceptable here.

OP is there a reason you are not open to getting a job now that there are plenty out there?

I know your not in a good place at the moment with pnd along with been at home full time with a baby in an area where you don't know people. I don't think that going to NZ with your baby is a good idea as your just running away from your current situation and covid will make this hard and expensive to do.
You need to be honest with your husband and tell him you're finding things hard at the moment with the whole situation you are in.
I try and get a gp appointment, tell them how your feeling, get blood tests due to make sure your hormone levels are right, your throid is working well and that your not anemic. You might need some anti depressants or therapy to help you over this hump. Get your husband to mind the baby when your on your doctors visit.
I also look into local mother and baby groups as you meet new people and it will get you out of the house for a few hours.
I know this has been a hard year for you with a lot of changes. The whole covid thing has made it harder to meet people, develope friendships and look for a job as you had planned.
You need to be honest with your husband and tell him now how you feel so you can both work towards making things better.

I would suggest considering maybe a 6 week trip? You have to get permission to enter the country then quarantine for two weeks, you then have a month to relax with your family. That's assuming you can get permission

I wouldn't do that. But that is because I've spent 1.5 years away from my DP, doing long distance relationship, and I will never ever agree to do this again. Im sure your husband works hard for you and your baby, and you just want to move away for months? That is incredibly selfish. And potentially dangerous for your marriage too. This baby is his too, and you can't just make a decision like this on your own. I understand that you struggle mentally, but there are women in much worse situation than yours - they have no money, no working partner, they have to stay home with kids AND work from home at the same time. It's shit for a lot of people right now, but you made a decision to marry that man. Whatever happens - you are stuck in this together, this is what marriage is about.

Also, should have added on my post, that DH has worked away for months at a time, at points during our marriage. He hasn't pined away from being away from DD, he even missed her first birthday. I can't even identify with these men who would be heartbroken if they didn't see their child for a couple of months and the first Christmas? The baby is too young to care. Really her husband is unlikely to be heartbroken, he'll get on with his life, have a bit of chill out time, eat what he wants, have lots of unbroken nights sleep etc. Lots of marriages have periods apart, it's healthy.

Mumsnet is like another world sometimes.

OP is there a reason you are not open to getting a job now that there are plenty out there?

What world is this poster speaking from?