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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I'd never have had a baby during lockdown

171 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 12/10/2020 11:11

She's 4.5 months and I'm hating every second of this shitty mat leave. Wish I have known about Covid before I got pregnant last September 😣

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/10/2020 09:56

@yetanothernamitynamechange You forgot: The crazy-haired man shouts "HANDS, FACE, SPACE!!!" 😂

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Hardbackwriter · 13/10/2020 09:59

My covid kid is 5 months old and I am now on sertraline due to the fucking anxiety and stress of it all. Our baby was planned, years of trying. I had fantasised for years about taking my baby to the library and churches to attend baby groups, making mum friends, being part of that "mum club". I wanted it desperately.

I say this with sympathy and concern - and I'm so sorry for your loss of your cousin, which must have been so awful to go through when you were also adjusting to motherhood. But this is exactly what I'm talking about - it was never likely that it would live up to something you'd fantasised for years, it doesn't for the vast majority of people. Your picture of what you 'lost' is a totally idealised one.

I'm actually very cross at my friend's health visitor who spun her a total load of rubbish about all the support they would 'normally' have offered for her issues breastfeeding, but now couldn't 'because Covid' - I don't know where this paradise of constant, personalised support the HV was talking about was but it certainly wasn't our area pre-Covid. But now my friend is convinced that she would have normally been given endless support and would definitely have successfully breastfed, so she's devastated about it, which might have made the HV feel better about the crap service they offer under normal circumstances but did nothing for my friend.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 13/10/2020 10:05

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@yetanothernamitynamechange You forgot: The crazy-haired man shouts "HANDS, FACE, SPACE!!!" 😂[/quote]
😂😂😂

onedayinthefuture · 13/10/2020 10:13

I really for anyone with their first baby, although I have an 8 month old he's my second so am glad I got to experience normality with baby groups, coffee shops and mum friends first time around. Although, I seem to spend every single day at home now :( My eldest is at school so the only time I get to speak to people is on the school run and all my favourite places are now crap with all these restrictions. I just hope this is all over next year because staying in all day with a toddler will drive me mad.

unmarkedbythat · 13/10/2020 10:14

Yanbu, op, I'd have hated it too. Not for lack of the baby clubs and stuff, I never liked any of that anyway, but having a baby is hard and tiring and stressful and doing it at a time of such upheaval and uncertainty and disruption would have added to it. And having everyone at home for lockdown would have made mat leave weird and we wouldn't have had those hours alone every day that (for me) supported a lovely strong bond developing. I wouldn't have been able to go for a wander with such ease and drop in to friends and meet my non mum friends in pubs and cafes for them to stare at the baby and say things like "I still don't want one but yours is very cute" and ask dafty questions like "do you think he can taste the tea you're drinking when you feed him?" I don't think acknowledging that this is not the start you wanted for this baby or that this is not the maternity leave you wanted makes you unreasonable at all or means that you don't realise that other people may be struggling with infertility or loss or raising profoundly disabled children or any of that. It's not a competition and you don't have to pretend it's all wonderful because other people have it worse.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/10/2020 10:22

I have to say that mat leave this time is very different to the twice before, albeit admittedly 10 and 13 years ago.
Tbf some of this is because I am raising this baby is very different circumstances, not least from a financial pov and I am mindful I will be having to return to work this time around for almost ft, if not ft, hours. There's not much point in making new mum friends for a matter of months really and Covid makes that extra tricky as it is.
It's probably also partly because of my age - having the other two in my twenties there were more mums around in a similar position to me with young families. Of course most of my friends now have older children so don't want to be necessarily socialising with a small baby. And I totally respect that - not complaining - just saying why it's different. Grandparents are of course also much older - my fiancé's are both late 70's.
So without Covid this mat leave would have already presented with some challenges - which I took on board and respected before ttc.
But nobody could have predicted the impact of this pandemic on top of all of this!

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SnuggyBuggy · 13/10/2020 12:33

For what it's worth I did have the dream maternity leave with my first with lots of stay and play, baby classes and even the odd latte and I absolutely loved it.

Second time round spending days stuck in with a 2 year old and a baby is shit. I'm just glad I have a friendship group who I can meet in the park when the weather isn't too awful.

I'd have got PND if I'd had my first under the shit new normal.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/10/2020 12:41

@LavaCake

Yanbu, it’s really rough. I have a lot of sympathy for people with babies born during Covid - the loss of all the new baby opportunities you would usually have, the isolation, the increases anxiety. It’s not what anyone would wish for, and you have my sympathy Flowers
I agree with @LavaCake. One of the things I am finding most depressing about the whole Covid thing is the impact it has had on people's lives.

It hasn't affected me much - I don't go out a lot - knitting group once a week, a different knitting group fortnightly, and a monthly book group - and whilst I am missing those, my life hasn't changed a whole lot. But I can see how much it has affected other people, and my heart goes out to them.

Ds3 is a student, but in his final year, and is happy to do all his work online - but he (and his brothers) have all had the fun of university - the social life, freshers' week etc - plus having their school exams and prom etc unaffected by the virus, whereas teenagers and freshers today have had none of this - it has all been blighted.

Similarly, people like @Nicknamegoeshere have lost so much of what having a new baby should have been like - and I can empathise with how horrible that must feel.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/10/2020 12:48

Having a newborn is hard enough without all the additional anxieties that Covid is adding. My personal anxiety with a newborn was I felt like I lost my identity so can only imagine having to go anywhere with a mask adding to that. You are doing a good job and its okay and normal to feel like this at times x

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/10/2020 13:03

So I'm trying to find a positive out of being stuck at home with the baby during this pandemic, but need you to tell me if you think I'm nuts!!!

Before we planned a baby we booked our wedding. But had to cancel it as I lost my job and we couldn't afford it. Rebooked a cheaper venue (not ideal but affordable) but then Covid so that was cancelled too.

Today I saw a FB ad pop up for our dream venue. Normally no way on this earth we would be able to afford it for even ten mins. However, they're doing an offer of venue plus three-course Wedding Breakfast (up to the 15 guest limit) for £1500. We have just under this is our savings account.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
SockQueen · 13/10/2020 13:09

@Nicknamegoeshere

So I'm trying to find a positive out of being stuck at home with the baby during this pandemic, but need you to tell me if you think I'm nuts!!!

Before we planned a baby we booked our wedding. But had to cancel it as I lost my job and we couldn't afford it. Rebooked a cheaper venue (not ideal but affordable) but then Covid so that was cancelled too.

Today I saw a FB ad pop up for our dream venue. Normally no way on this earth we would be able to afford it for even ten mins. However, they're doing an offer of venue plus three-course Wedding Breakfast (up to the 15 guest limit) for £1500. We have just under this is our savings account.

Am I being silly?

Do it!!
Hardbackwriter · 13/10/2020 13:48

Go for it! As long as you're happy with only having 15 (and presumably you, DP, baby and your older children take up five so that doesn't leave you with many guests!) then you could have such a lovely, intimate wedding, why not!

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/10/2020 14:09

@Hardbackwriter Yes we'd be fine with just families as neither of us have any particularly close friends.

It may be that, as much as it would be sad, my boys may not want to attend. Long story, but their dad has said it would be very disrespectful to him. As much as it would be gutting I can't force them ateotd.

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Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/10/2020 14:11

For background, left him almost seven years ago after horrendous control. He has boys exactly 50/50 and it's been this was since they were just 3 and 6 (court enforced).

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Onedropbeat · 13/10/2020 14:44

I e had my baby at beginning of lockdown and I was panicking about the isolation that was planned as my first maternity leave was bad enough

However it’s been a blessing in disguise as all my friends who I’d normally not see during the week are working from home and happy to see me during lunch breaks and it’s meant that I’ve had a lot more support than I imagined

I’m sad that I don’t get to see my sister as she’s got a large family and we’d be more than the rule of 6 but I hope that’s lifted soon

User43210 · 13/10/2020 15:56

Personally I would say YABU. I was due during Covid but had a MMC at my 12 week scan just before Covid struck and I would have given anything to still have had my baby, lockdown/Covid or not. If I could go back and do it all again, knowing the situation as it would be, I would still do exactly the same. I would give anything to have swapped with you and been able to carry on my pregnancy.

User43210 · 13/10/2020 15:58

(Not to argue or have a go at you, just to offer an alternative viewpoint)

MindatWork · 13/10/2020 16:49

Your last updates are really sad OP Sad. I think you should go ahead with the wedding x

Helmetbymidnight · 13/10/2020 17:09

your ex is an arsehole and clearly is still trying to control you through the kids. no wonder you are down.

Sad of course your boys can be at your wedding- dont let him bully you. Flowers

Helmetbymidnight · 13/10/2020 17:10

and if they absolutely wont or cant, id have just a tiny wedding and a bigger dinner or something that they can be part of...

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/10/2020 17:46

Thanks. Yes, my ex has been evil beyond words. So in one way I'm terrified of marrying again, but I'm determined not to let him ruin my future happiness.

I've messaged the venue to enquire. It will be great to have a focus too I think?

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