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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The friend who doesn't know when to go...

175 replies

Goldebeare · 11/10/2020 01:17

My DH's best mate is single & looking for a girlfriend but has ridiculously high standards so is likely to stay that way.
I genuinely like him a lot & we get on great, but it seems that every Saturday night without fail, he joins us for supper at around 6-7pm. He's always invited & we enjoy his company. But then he & my DH will sit chatting in the kitchen until 1, 2, 3 or even 4am, leaving me watching TV alone or going to bed.
I often get cross about this & make it clear to my DH that I'm not happy, but then I'm seen as the one in the wrong...AIBU?

OP posts:
nosswith · 13/10/2020 06:19

YANBU. There needs to be a time set and hopefully agreed on for him to leave earlier. Mainly for you and your DH, but in fact for all of you- it cannot be good for the friend to be travelling that late at night, probably tired.

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 13/10/2020 06:31

Stop inviting him and get out yourselves on a Saturday. If you have kids then Invite him to babysit for you on Saturday nights.

Jack80 · 13/10/2020 10:28

Maybe suggest your husband sees his friend in the day or every other Saturday night and you could see friends.

Barney60 · 13/10/2020 11:25

I get the opinion that your most upset about your husband chatting to his friend and not you.
Would you prefer him to go out every Sat and return 1-2-3am?
You know where he is who hes with ect, sounds to me like your jealous of him having this friendship.
Why dont you make the most of this time and go meet some friends of your own if Covid area allows of course.

user1490954378 · 13/10/2020 15:29

Put your foot down,it's your home and your Saturday evening too. As for your friend... obiediant? Seriously?! I'd have peed my pants laughing if he'd told me that.

Greeneyes78 · 13/10/2020 15:32

What does your husband want, does he mind him staying while you go to bed?

2me2u2u2me · 13/10/2020 15:43

@pepperwood
Why does his friend have to go home at 10, he's not 12 ffs!

PMSL Grin Grin Grin

I would either start going out with the girls every week, maybe your OH won't be keen on that, or tell your OH that once or twice a month is enough, you want Saturday night date night with him ... it's your house too, stop inviting him round.

GilbertMarkham · 13/10/2020 15:55

So your dp is ugly, stupid, unfit, ugly (again), provides you with no intellectual challenge and is stubborn?

Stubborn is not the opposite of obedient.
That would be disobedient.

And fantastic figure in a woman (and to some extent a man) is not mutually exclusive with unfit. Lots of women men consider to have great figures are not necessarily fit; just naturally have hour glass figures and perhaps watch what they eat.

But you were being purposefully obtuse about that poster's entire point anyway.

GilbertMarkham · 13/10/2020 15:57

Plus he never specified intellectual challenge, in fact going by the rest of his list of requirements, the challenge being intellectual seems unlikely.

Sparklfairy · 13/10/2020 16:01

Just put on shallow hal when he's there Grin they're peas in a pod!

Audreyseyebrows · 13/10/2020 16:05

Surely the anger should be pointed towards your Dh rather than his friend?

Start being really ‘disobedient’ that will make him go Grin

LadyEloise · 13/10/2020 17:43

They both came from abroad five years ago and the friend hasn't met anyone " up to his standards"
Is he in love with your dh ?
Is there even the remotest possibility it is more than friendship ?
Have you ever popped down unexpectedly having gone up to bed ?
I presume you don't have children.
If you do and you are left minding them on Sunday because your dh is tired, you really need to grow a pair.

CSIblonde · 13/10/2020 17:54

He's gay. And possibly has a crush on your DH. If his culture doesn't accept gay men ,it's a common excuse to have an impossible to achieve list. I had an Egyptian boss who did that back home ,then at 40, said sod it & moved to UK where he could have a boyfriend etc. His family back home still don't know he's gay. They think he moved for salary.

Thesuzle · 13/10/2020 17:58

Have you suggested to OH, that you are up for some hot S.x that evening, test the friend relationship in the face of that lure

FoxtrotEcho · 13/10/2020 22:10

So as far as I can see, these two guys came to this country 5 years ago, and that has been enough time for one of them to meet a woman, form a relationship, settle down and get married. And yet not enough time for the other one to make any friends at all?

Five years is quite a long time, actually. If I moved to another country and failed to make any friends in 5 years, then I would start questioning why that was and whether I'd really made the right decision.

Ariela · 13/10/2020 22:43

Can you cultivate some single female friends and invite one over each Saturday?

LizzyA123 · 18/10/2020 10:12

Given the current Covid tier situation in the UK, he probably shouldn’t be in your house anyway( unless you are his bubble.) Depending what tier you are in, he might only be permitted to meet outside in your garden or only in wide open public spaces such as a park or a beach. Remind them of the rules, pass your DH his coat, and give them a flask of coffee and usher them outside.
If you don’t fancy that ignore them, do your own thing and don’t let him have a quiet lie in in the morning.

fatherliamdeliverance · 18/10/2020 12:29

Not RTFT but if challenging yet obedient are requisites, might I suggest a husky or a Portuguese Water Dog?

fatherliamdeliverance · 18/10/2020 12:30

that way he will have to be home at a reasonable hour to let it out for a wee...

midsummabreak · 18/10/2020 12:39

So much better when mums can chat to mums freely on Mumsnet isn’t it

midsummabreak · 18/10/2020 12:41

Oh wait a minute, the men can’t be having that

Lilifer · 18/10/2020 12:50

OP could this mate of your Dh be gay and this not able to find a women cos too high standards thing be a red herring? Perhaps he is in love with your dh?

Elieza · 18/10/2020 13:32

You have a DH problem.
And he possibly has a gay best mate problem.
Or perhaps they are both bi or something and are having an affair. Could he have married you to fit into the cultural norms of his country, do you think he loves you? If he loves you and loves his mate like a brother and his mate is lonely then fair enough. He wants to help him.

But I’d suggest what others have. Compromise.

You and DH need time together. So get him told that every second Saturday is date night and his friend can come round on Thursday night until 11pm instead (not later as work in the morning presumably) or whatever night suits.

If DH won’t agree to that I’d be upping and leaving as DH is living in the 1950s where the man makes the rules and the woman abides by then like a Stepford Wife. It will only get worse as that type of individual has no consideration for the feelings of women in his family, except perhaps his mother.

josbd · 20/10/2020 00:19

I know this is prob just me being a suspicious git, but how close are the pair of them?

The ridiculously hgh standards are actually a standard closet type/hiding technique, well, it used to be........

LadyEloise · 08/12/2020 20:49

The OP never came back.

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