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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The friend who doesn't know when to go...

175 replies

Goldebeare · 11/10/2020 01:17

My DH's best mate is single & looking for a girlfriend but has ridiculously high standards so is likely to stay that way.
I genuinely like him a lot & we get on great, but it seems that every Saturday night without fail, he joins us for supper at around 6-7pm. He's always invited & we enjoy his company. But then he & my DH will sit chatting in the kitchen until 1, 2, 3 or even 4am, leaving me watching TV alone or going to bed.
I often get cross about this & make it clear to my DH that I'm not happy, but then I'm seen as the one in the wrong...AIBU?

OP posts:
MollyMinniesMum · 12/10/2020 17:36

He is in love with you

sallyfox · 12/10/2020 17:51

hot, challenging, obedient, etc

I'm 67 and I've NEVER met, seen or heard of ANYONE like that!!!!!!! lol!!!!!!
GOOD LUCK to him!!!!!!!

SBTLove · 12/10/2020 17:51

He stays 8/10 hours every Saturday? fuck that, tell DH enough is enough.

roarfeckingroarr · 12/10/2020 17:57

This was our life when we did massive amounts of cocaine and drank too much. I really do not miss it now! Chatting until 4am sober? Bugger that.

FelicisNox · 12/10/2020 18:11

Is it the fact he's there every Saturday or the time he leaves or both?

Just tell DH: scale it back and he needs to leave at a reasonable time or I will tell him.

There are 3 people in your marriage so I'm not surprised you're fed up.

N0tJustY0ga · 12/10/2020 18:20

@Goldebeare

Next time that happens. Let them do what they do, you get ready to go out, then just them know you’re of out.

If husband asks, just say friends, won’t be long. Then doing that every time his friend stays.

It will soon stop, problem is....you might enjoy your time without him too much. HahH.

Jude76 · 12/10/2020 18:21

Is he in love with your husband? That's a LOT of time to spend with someone every week, especially if they are completely sober, so won't be losing track of time.

Ironmanrocks · 12/10/2020 18:40

I haven't read the full thread BUT I would be inviting him whilst saying - of course you are welcome to come for dinner but you'll have to leave by 10pm as we need an early night. At 10pm, get his coat and say lovely it had been. etc etc...

2bazookas · 12/10/2020 18:41

just tell the friend direct, " Change of plan for next weekend; DH and |I are going to have it all to ourselves with no visitors. We just don't get enough time to ourselves ."

Nearly47 · 12/10/2020 19:00

Find some girlfriends and go out and leave them to it. It's a bit odd to be honest and YANBU. Are you sure he is straight? Every week, chatting until late hours without any alcohol involvedHmm

Callingallskeletons · 12/10/2020 19:06

Are you quite sure he’s not holding out for your husband?

YogiBearcub · 12/10/2020 19:13

I think I'm a bit more forgiving than most people here reading these comments but to me they sound like nice lads just having a catchup, so if try not to be rude. NEVERTHELESS, every Saturday is too much. Also there is no doubt the friend is going to remain single forever if he spends every Saturday night with the two of you! You could tactfully bring this up the next time the conversation moves towards his ideal partner...

Don't you have any friends you could suggest he goes out with for a date on Saturday? Or maybe get on a dating app too find a Saturday night date? He can tell you all about it the next Saturday if it wasn't any good!

Yespresh · 12/10/2020 21:03

Maybe you could suggest an ‘early night’ instead

Wedgesandsauce · 12/10/2020 21:27

Sounds like he’s not meeting a girl because he’s too busy having a bromance with your oh. Out your foot down and limit visits to once a month or every six weeks...there’s no way I’d want someone coming round to my place every saturday.

DumpedOnFromGreatHeight · 12/10/2020 21:35

Tell him to go home, start making hints. One more before we all get off to bed.

He may get the wrong idea!

Pinkerbells · 12/10/2020 22:11

If it makes you feel slightly better, my DP's best mate lives next door, and before now I have had to drag him out at 5.30 in the morning! Honestly, the last time it happened I was pissy enough that I think his mate is now scared of me and sends him home at an appropriate time Grin

ivykaty44 · 12/10/2020 22:15

Invite him on a Sunday for a roast instead

princess68 · 12/10/2020 22:53

I would suggest he took you both out for a meal alternate weeks/once a month, to give you a night off cooking and he could check out any girls whilst out in a pub/restaurant/coffee place, that way he is more likely to meet someone. (Though you may have to remind him that he will need to compromise a little, if he wants to settle down, nobody is perfect).
Alternatively, you could ask DH to suggest he invites you both to his place for dinner and he cooked you both a meal for a change to return the favour, then you could leave with DH by a certain time, giving you time with DH occasionally.
It's good to have one good friend though, especially if they are from a different country.

Shizzlestix · 12/10/2020 23:04

Obedient? Wtaf? What culture is he from? The 1950s?!

I would tell him to leave at whatever time you choose. You say he’s invited? Stop inviting him or ask your dh to do so, alternatively, go to your mate’s (if allowed by lockdown). I’d personally be telling him to bugger off by 11pm.

DreamTheMoors · 12/10/2020 23:38

@Goldebeare

JKRowlingIsMyQueen

'She' would need to be beautiful, intelligent, fantastic figure, hot, challenging but obedient, etc...

@Goldebeare

That list would encompass my turnoffs and signal to me that the guy is either a knob or a loser.
or both.

Shxx · 13/10/2020 02:43

Wow so annoying yanbu

1forAll74 · 13/10/2020 03:47

Does your Husband not get tired and feel rough the next day, with staying up half the night with his friend, and does he feel sorry for his friend, and is advising him how to find the perfect woman.

You can either go to bed, and let all this happen, or be a bit assertive, and switch all the lights out and saying you are going to lock the doors now it's 10.30 pm. The friend is obviously not aware of something resembling normal, when he visits someone.

alexdgr8 · 13/10/2020 04:13

it sounds like he wants to move in with you.
does he come from a more communal community.
you have to decide what you want. and discuss it clearly with your husband. you need a united front on this.
the guy may be totally unaware how inappropriate this is.
he does not sound very socially aware, or emotionally intelligent, judging by his list of requirements in a woman.
do think he lacks self-insight.
what would happen if you just told him, in front of husband, exactly how you feel, not nasty or angry, just honest, straight.

Runningdownthathill · 13/10/2020 05:14

Why can’t your DH go out with his friend once a week for the evening and then come home at a reasonable time? Don’t invite him round every week and don’t let him stay the night. Simple.

Elsewyre · 13/10/2020 06:14

Goldebeare

JKRowlingIsMyQueen

'She' would need to be beautiful, intelligent, fantastic figure, hot, challenging but obedient, etc...

@Goldebeare

That list would encompass my turnoffs and signal to me that the guy is either a knob or a loser.
or both."

So your dp is ugly, stupid, unfit, ugly (again), provides you with no intellectual challenge and is stubborn?

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