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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The friend who doesn't know when to go...

175 replies

Goldebeare · 11/10/2020 01:17

My DH's best mate is single & looking for a girlfriend but has ridiculously high standards so is likely to stay that way.
I genuinely like him a lot & we get on great, but it seems that every Saturday night without fail, he joins us for supper at around 6-7pm. He's always invited & we enjoy his company. But then he & my DH will sit chatting in the kitchen until 1, 2, 3 or even 4am, leaving me watching TV alone or going to bed.
I often get cross about this & make it clear to my DH that I'm not happy, but then I'm seen as the one in the wrong...AIBU?

OP posts:

KateCantab · 11/10/2020 09:54

Curious to know if he’s awake yet ...

AnnaMagnani · 11/10/2020 09:58

He doesn't have high standards, he's a raging misogynist. He isn't going to find a UK woman who is like that, and definitely not if he is round yours every Saturday night.

The issue is that neither he or your husband have found any other friends, except you, in 5 years in the UK. And you are in a cross-cultural marriage.

Basically you have a DH problem. He's married you, he loves you, he lives in the UK - between you there needs to be some level of compromise or he should have stayed in his home country and married someone from his own culture.

Ginfordinner · 11/10/2020 10:00

If mine did this, he’d sleep until about 3/4pm next day.

I thought only teenagers were capable of this. I don’t think either DH or I could sleep for a 12 hour stretch these days.

I feel uncomfortable about the "obedience" aspect. What kind of culture is his background? Is it a culture that is viewed as rather misogynistic to us?

mrsm43s · 11/10/2020 10:05

@KateCantab

Curious to know if he’s awake yet ...

Does it matter?

He's an adult. As long as he doesn't have any prior commitments, presumably its up to him what time he gets up?

BathtubGin · 11/10/2020 10:18

@foxyroxyyy

LOL seems like you're doing the obedient part for him.

Tell him to go home, start making hints. One more before we all get off to bed.

Or my personal favourite, 'you ain't gotta go home but you gotta get the fuck outta here'.

One more before we all get off to bed.

Sounds like you are inviting him to a threesome

Cam2020 · 11/10/2020 10:21

YANBU, thst's, way too much. He's not going to find this girlfriend or a some new friends sat in your kitchen 'til all hours!

Giraffey1 · 11/10/2020 10:33

I’d be a bit miffed if this happened every Saturday night. I think you need to chat to your H about this, tell him you’d like some time with him at the weekend without the friend.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 11/10/2020 10:48

Depends. I mean if your dp wants him there and likes staying up then that's up to him.

So long as they aren't making a racket just take yourself off to bed or make your own plans with friends that night.

BiBabbles · 11/10/2020 10:51

One evening/night a week doesn't seem like a lot to me, but it would depend on the wider impact it was having. As pps said, how is DH on Sundays? How much one-on-one time do the two of you have? Do you have dedicated time during the week like this seems to have become? Are they keeping you up?

My lodger is my spouse's best friend and now they both work nights (and when both off work, often spend the night talking and doing things together). There are times I've felt the third wheel, not because their relationship is "too close" , but because my spouse and I were at a point of not having comparable time. This particularly hit when lodger-friend was going through a terrible bout of depression and my spouse ended up the main support for both lodger-friend and me having a bad uptick with CPTSD.

When we talked it all out, worked on having that time, and I worked on my own wellbeing and social time, that started to fade. It never really had anything to do with their friendship. It was how it was a counterexample to our own and the difficulties we had in getting time and energy for our own & for myself.

zingally · 11/10/2020 10:56

You haven't got a "husband's friend" problem. You've got a husband problem.

You need to be talking to your DH about this.

CoronaBollox · 11/10/2020 10:57

If your DP is happy to entertain him and your only issue is that you have to go bed on your own then I dont see the issue tbh?

giantangryrooster · 11/10/2020 11:03

I would be annoyed.

Do you have a loud, funny, feminist friend you can invite over every single Saturday for your entertainment?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 11/10/2020 11:08

I’m not sure of the relevance of the friend’s single status or ideal partner criteria.

My guess is that the OP is hoping to palm him off on some woman so she gets her husband’s back.

Merlotmum85 · 11/10/2020 11:18

"Do you want another drink before you go?"
Problem sorted.

redcarbluecar · 11/10/2020 11:19

It isn’t sorted though if the DH wants the friend to stay.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 11/10/2020 11:22

YANBU, I would are this! Once a month would be a lot for me!

Who is cooking all these meals OP?

LindaEllen · 11/10/2020 11:28

I mean, you say you're happy for him to visit, but he just stays too long. Your DH clearly doesn't agree, as he's happy chatting in the kitchen for that long with him. If HE wanted him to leave, he could surely just say 'Sorry mate but I'm knackered, I'm gonna call it a night now.'

Also, is there any reason you're sitting watching TV on your own or is that just what you're choosing to do? You could surely go and join them if you wanted to?

I don't think you have a friend problem, but a DH problem. Perhaps change to inviting him every other week, and then once a month. I honestly believe that nobody who isn't family should take up THAT much of your time.

Tiktaktoe · 11/10/2020 11:31

This has nothing to do with your friend and everything to do with your husband. Why can't your husband go out with his friend or go his friends house a couple of times a month.
Stop inviting him for dinner every week.

crosspelican · 11/10/2020 11:36

Hmm. So I'm going to guess that they're from the Middle East or India. Maybe you share their culture, but you were born here?

To play devil's advocate for a moment, your DH's friend is going to have to work out his misogyny for himself at some stage, and you can't help him with that.

But I don't know. If I was living in, let's say, Pakistan. And I had married a Pakistani guy and was really happy, but hadn't really have many Pakistani friends, and I had a friend from here who was the only person I knew from my home country, even though she was a bit of a bitch in some regards, but was brilliant fun and I enjoyed her company a lot... if my husband didn't object massively to her coming over every week, I would 100% have her over to hang out. And because I'm married etc and my husband is a great cook, it makes more sense (without me really thinking it through) for her to come to ours rather than me to go to place, which isn't as nice.

I'm an immigrant here in the UK, and it's LOVELY to chat with someone from home, even if we haven't got a huge amount in common. Just hearing a "normal" accent!

If you're cooking and cleaning up after this guy, I would stop, because you are then actively reinforcing his idea of the dream girl. And I would also send them out to the other guy's place or just OUT half the time too. But I wouldn't come between them, because having a friend from back home, even if they're a bit of a twat sometimes, is valuable.

MintyMabel · 11/10/2020 11:45

Isn’t a better title “the husband who spends too long with his friend”?

Or won’t you accept he is the one in the wrong here?

picosandsancerre · 11/10/2020 11:51

It's not that your friend doesn't know when to go, your DH is happy staying up chatting to him. Are you jealous as he doesn't do the same with you? Why don't you go out on a Saturday and see your own friend and leave them to it.

ReallyLazy · 11/10/2020 11:52

Your issue is with your husband. Talk to him. Tell him why you wish the friend would leave earlier. Listen to why your husband enjoys having him later. Compromise and leave your husband to deal with organising the friends departure.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 11/10/2020 12:13

My DH and l used to work with a guy like this - so we saw him at work then he would pop round every single evening. Did my head in - l started off really polite then by the end l couldn't help but just be rude to him. I then got pregnant and thankfully he stopped calling - not til after the baby was born mind you and that is quite an extreme thing to do to get out of having unwanted visitors. Do you have children OP or can you just go out next weekend? Hate this sort of thing but it does need to be your DH that deals with it.

MenaiMna · 11/10/2020 12:15

Is he "beautiful, intelligent, fantastic figure, hot, challenging but obedient, etc..." ?? Because if he isn't he can't make demands can he?
While DH is loving being a doormat suggest to him that being YOUR doormat has many more benefits than being friend's one. And invite someone else next weekend ... Only one guest at a time.

Original poster

Goldebeare · 11/10/2020 17:34

IWantT0BreakFree

Really good and valid points, thank you. I think you are right & there is obviously a compromise to be made here to meet halfway.

OP posts:

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