The friend who doesn't know when to go...

[Goldebeare]

My DH's best mate is single & looking for a girlfriend but has ridiculously high standards so is likely to stay that way.
I genuinely like him a lot & we get on great, but it seems that every Saturday night without fail, he joins us for supper at around 6-7pm. He's always invited & we enjoy his company. But then he & my DH will sit chatting in the kitchen until 1, 2, 3 or even 4am, leaving me watching TV alone or going to bed.
I often get cross about this & make it clear to my DH that I'm not happy, but then I'm seen as the one in the wrong...AIBU?

Break the cycle by having other plans for a few weekends. Go away, meet other friends, invite someone else round instead, tell him you’re isolating because of a possible Covid contact .... anything to get him out of the habit of assuming that, as it’s saturday, it’s supper at your house.

It sounds like your dh likes him being there. You need to discuss with him. Are you sure its not your dh who wants the obedient wife???

Both these men sound like they don't really like or respect women.

They prefer the company of men. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but it does sound like their primary relationship is actually with each other.

@Goldebeare

Florencex Because he doesn't have many friends, nor does my DH, they moved to this country 5 years ago, so I from that point of view I feel a bit guilty when I make a fuss

Ah there is your problem ...it's a cultural thing too ?

@FortunesFave

Why do you care? You see your DH every other day...what's so bad about him having this one night regularly?

Surely most people like to spend Saturday night with their partner...? Maybe not every single one, but its certainly understandable

When you say they both moved here 5 years ago together, I'm guessing this means they don't speak English as a first language and that there are possible cultural differences. If they only really socialise with each other from their home country, is it possible that they really value this time where they can speak their own language? I imagine it could be quite taxing to spend every day immersed in a culture that isn't yours and a language that isn't your first language, and maybe these Saturday nights are an important opportunity to decompress.

I used to work with a lot of Romanians in a past life and every Friday and Saturday they would have a house full of friends until 3, 4, 5am. The men would all be drinking alcohol or coffee and talking/messing around. The women would be busy making food (seriously, still making food for these men in the wee hours) and the women socialised separately in other rooms. Because it was mostly the men I was friends with as that's who I worked with, I would be socialising with them. Always found it quite awkward but a few of them are very close friends to this day so I did enjoy their company obviously. My point is, is there a similar cultural thing at play for your DH? Is sitting up until 5am drinking coffee with the menfolk something that is just very commonplace in his culture?

are your sundays ruined?

dont be so obedient op

That sounds sexist and depressing, Iwanttobreakfree.

Well he's not going to find a partner if he spends every Saturday night with you guys. Though I guess lockdown and social isolation puts a different spin on it.

What exactly is it that bothers you? Do they keep you awake? Would you prefer to be doing something alone with your DH?

Presumably your DH (who you admit doesn't have many friends) enjoys his company?

I would be delighted if my DH had a friend to meet up with and chat to (so long as it was quiet) ... I don't expect that either of us has to "entertain" each other ... there's plenty of things I enjoy doing on my own.

@FlippinNoah

Urgh I'd ban him from the house for merely stating he wants a girlfriend who is 'challenging but obedient' - he needs a dog, not a girlfriend, if that's his criteria.

I don't really understand why it's a big deal. You want his friend to leave so DH can sit and watch TV with you ? Presumably there are 6 other nights where you can watch TV together ?

Someone would only do that once in my house..then they would not get a second invite .

Sounds like a candidate for Love at First Sight to me

You need to start standing up for yourself. You can’t complain if you’re letting it happen. Tell your DH that you don’t want his friend to come round so frequently because he out stays his welcome by hours. If he wants to come to dinner, he can stay til 9pm. At half 8, tell him that you’re having an early night. If he doesn’t get the hint, be straight with him. Tell him you don’t want to be up til 2am.

@Goldebeare

JKRowlingIsMyQueen

'She' would need to be beautiful, intelligent, fantastic figure, hot, challenging but obedient, etc...

Is his first name Fitzwilliam and does he have £10 000 a year?

Maybe one a month not too bad. And I’d just leave them to it and do my own thing. As long as it didn’t interrupt my sleep, or interfere with plans the next day. You’re actually inviting this behaviour by having him there every week - I wouldnt be happy it being a weekly thing.

You need to make your own plans on a Saturday night.

Sounds like your DH is happy to spend one night a week with his friend, and why not? They're chatting and drinking coffee! Why is it such a big deal?

I don't see any problem here, apart from you being a bit needy and wanting to control your DH's social life.

I would be livid if my DH tried to chuck my friends out early so that I could watch TV with him, or tried to dictate what time I had to go to bed.

Be responsible for your own social life, and don't be so reliant on your DH for entertainment. You are separate independent adults!

@Goldebeare Have you explained to your DH what it is that bothers you so much? Is it that you feel left out? That you want Saturday night alone with your other half sometimes? Are they noisey, leaving a mess for the morning etc? Something else?
Has he explained why this is important to him? You mention he and his friend moved to this country 5 years ago, and seem understanding about how hard that can be - it’s not always easy to make friends in a new country, be accepted by a different culture, especially as a man I think.
If he’s feeling lonely in terms of friendship, this time could be really important for him.

They prefer the company of men. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but it does sound like their primary relationship is actually with each other.

Well, that applies to virtually everyone. Men hang with men and women with women when it's on a one to one basis.

I mean outside of romantic relationship obviously.

Actually posted before I finished... wanted to add.. but of course your feelings and needs are important too. Ideally, you can both understand where the other is really coming from, and both compromise a little to make sure both your needs are met.

Don't you have anything you could do on a Saturday that doesn't involve your DH? Why not take it as your time? You can hang with DH every other evening.

If your husband enjoys his company I don’t see the problem. I don’t see that the friend is out staying his welcome if your his plans is happy for him to be there. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you have other things that you and your husband want to do on Saturday night then I assume/hope you would do them anyway.