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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The friend who doesn't know when to go...

175 replies

Goldebeare · 11/10/2020 01:17

My DH's best mate is single & looking for a girlfriend but has ridiculously high standards so is likely to stay that way.
I genuinely like him a lot & we get on great, but it seems that every Saturday night without fail, he joins us for supper at around 6-7pm. He's always invited & we enjoy his company. But then he & my DH will sit chatting in the kitchen until 1, 2, 3 or even 4am, leaving me watching TV alone or going to bed.
I often get cross about this & make it clear to my DH that I'm not happy, but then I'm seen as the one in the wrong...AIBU?

OP posts:
MzHz · 11/10/2020 07:13

@MrsTerryPratchett

challenging but obedient

I'd assume he doesn't have a girlfriend because he's an enormous arsehole. Not high standards.

Just leave them to it.

Well tbf, looks like OP’s DH has managed to find himself an obedient one.

@Goldebeare speak to them both, say that 12 is late enough or make other plans than mean matey needs to make his own plans

pepperwood · 11/10/2020 07:14

I really don't see the issue. He's a friend, they apparently like spending time with each other and there's fuck all else to do at the moment or anywhere else to go because everything shuts at 10.
What is it you don't like? Your husband spending too much time with him, him being in your home?
Does your husband like him being there/staying that late or would be rather he didn't?
What would you be doing on a Saturday night if he wasn't there until 3am?

Other posters are frothing about how awful this is and I'm a bit bemused really.

pepperwood · 11/10/2020 07:14

@Beautiful3

I would say at 10pm, "it's getting late now, we're going to bed. Thanks for coming, lovely to see you."
Why does his friend have to go home at 10, he's not 12 ffs!
KatherineJaneway · 11/10/2020 07:19

I'd put a stop to weekly visit as soon as you can or it will start to become unmovable / unchangeable. Maybe plan a weekend away.

If this friend wants a gf then sitting in your house for hours on a Saturday night is hardly conducive to finding one.

challenging but obedient

I'd like to know more about what this actually means!

StarlightLady · 11/10/2020 07:25

What does this friend offer in return? It sounds to me as if he has found himself a free restaurant.

Aside from that, l see nothing wrong in saying “Sorry, but we have commitments tomorrow and need to get up in the morning”.

redcarbluecar · 11/10/2020 07:27

I don’t think it’s up to OP to announce that ‘we’ are going to bed - this would be a bit odd and controlling. If DH is happy to have his friend till 4 a.m, the friend hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m not sure of the relevance of the friend’s single status or ideal partner criteria. If you are invited to someone’s home you have a right to assume that you’re welcome there. I think the issue is for OP and DH to negotiate.

Longwhiskers14 · 11/10/2020 07:27

How tedious that he overstays his welcome but you are giving him and your DH mixed messages by inviting him every week in the first place! You need to seriously cut back the amount of times he comes round for dinner so that when he does stay until the early hours you won't mind so much. Is once a month enough?

MagpieSong · 11/10/2020 07:28

I’m a tad confused about posters who wouldn’t get frustrated, but maybe their DHs are better at getting up after no sleep? If mine did this, he’d sleep until about 3/4pm next day. That would mean, would barely see him mon-fri due to work etc. Our Saturday gets pretty full, sometimes separately, and then that night I’d be alone and the day after he’d be sleeping. Pretty tricky to maintain a relationship with someone you don’t see. Then again, my DH did work away for half the week and is shit at being responsible when tired, so that probably has lots to do with it.

I’d have no issue with the friend and the late night being sometimes, perfectly reasonable to have fun with friends and chat - and often needed, I’m the chatterbox in our family. However, every Saturday would be a bit much. I married my DH for a relationship and if every weekend was taken up by the friend staying this late, I’d be a bit ugh. Some weekends, normal and fine, every weekend, no. And I’m big on not stopping seeing friends after marriage, I love mine to pieces.

Meruem · 11/10/2020 07:35

In some cultures it is quite common for men to while the night away chatting and drinking coffee. If they’re not from this country then what they are doing is probably normal in their own country. I don’t entirely see the issue either. You say you’re fine with him coming for dinner. Can’t you amuse yourself for an evening a week? Invite a friend of yours along too so you have company. If it’s impacting on the next day then this is something to sort out with your DH but if it isn’t then I think you are being a bit controlling.

custardbear · 11/10/2020 07:36

He'll never find a girlfriend being at your house every Saturday!

fairydustandpixies · 11/10/2020 07:38

I have a friend like this and I've stopped inviting them round now - which is a shame because it would be nice to watch a film or something together. Last time they came round, they wouldn't leave so I ended up saying goodnight and throwing a blanket at them and yes, they slept on the settee (even though I have a spare room with a proper bed and their home is a 5 minute walk from mine!). OP, I think you either have to shut up and put up or be firm with your DH and his friend and tell him he has to leave by x time. Or make other plans for a Saturday night and gently break the habit of him coming round each week.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 11/10/2020 07:38

You say that your DH doesn’t have many friends and has only been in this country 5 years. Living in a new country and getting used to a new culture must be tiring and isolating so it’s not surprising that he makes the most of it when an old friend from home comes round. And you say they are staying up chatting, not playing X-Box or drinking - he clearly feels the need for someone to talk to. They are lucky to have each other. I would respect that and just go to bed when you want to and let them get on with it.

All that being said, this happening every single Saturday would get me down too. Why not mix things up a bit? Don’t frame it as ‘I’m fed up of your mate coming round’ but say ‘I really want a cosy night in together , snuggling up, just you and me’. You can invite the friend on a Friday instead or for Sunday lunch? Or go out with your own mates and Leave them to chat.

laidbacklife · 11/10/2020 07:40

Bit rude to tell him to leave when he’s been invited into your home, you enjoy his company and your DH welcomes him staying late. Have you tried to change the routine? Invite one of your friends or another couple for dinner next Saturday. Or book a meal out for you and DH.

Porridgeoat · 11/10/2020 07:44

Your DH just needs to say he’s tired and needs to go to bed at 12 or what ever

Your DH needs to take charge

Porridgeoat · 11/10/2020 07:45

Ask him to come earlier 5pm and say you need to be in bed by 11

Porridgeoat · 11/10/2020 07:46

How does DH feel about it? If he’s happy with it then it’s fine. You can just go to bed when ever you want and leave them to it

Shoxfordian · 11/10/2020 07:50

Speak to your dh and say you want to go out somewhere just the two of you next weekend. Say you like friend but could he come over less frequently. Be honest about how you feel with your husband

Skyliner001 · 11/10/2020 07:51

@Goldebeare

JKRowlingIsMyQueen

'She' would need to be beautiful, intelligent, fantastic figure, hot, challenging but obedient, etc...

'Obedient' 🤢 I'd struggle to even respect him for that comment.
redcarbluecar · 11/10/2020 07:52

@Porridgeoat, that won’t work though if it’s not what the DH wants. If I was engrossed in conversation with a friend I don’t think I’d take kindly to another adult suddenly announcing it was my bedtime!
I’m not sure OP has said whether DH would like the friend to leave earlier but it sounds as though he might enjoy the 4 a.m. finishes. So it’s probably a matter of compromise (between OP/DH - this isn’t the friend’s problem) in terms of regularity of visits and boundaries.

Fairyliz · 11/10/2020 07:56

Are you sure the friend actually wants a girlfriend?
Sounds like he and your DH have far too close a friendship already and you are feeling like the third wheel. I would actually ask DH to send friend home at midnight and see what he says.

WokesFromHome · 11/10/2020 07:58

'She' would need to be beautiful, intelligent, fantastic figure, hot, challenging but obedient, etc..

Is he 6ft, have an arse that you can bounce squash balls off, look like Jamie Dornan and have loads of money? If the answer is no, then he is never going to bag a woman like the one you describe above.

Velvian · 11/10/2020 07:59

That's not high standards, it's being a misogynist.

Dozer · 11/10/2020 08:01

So your issue is with your H, who clearly prefers his friend’s company every Saturday night to yours and is being inconsiderate towards you. Understandable you’re fed up about that.

The friend sounds sexist!

WokesFromHome · 11/10/2020 08:01

it's being a misogynist.

Yep and it is also being very disrespectful to the OP by encroaching on her Sat night every weekend. I'd add "massive wanker" to the misogynist tag.

Palavah · 11/10/2020 08:02

Presumably this means every sunday morning/lunchtime your husband gets a free pass not to do any housework/childcare.

If you dont want him to come every week, stop inviting him.

His 'standards' for a girlfriend are irrelevant.

You have a DH problem, not a friend problem. Etc.