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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The friend who doesn't know when to go...

175 replies

Goldebeare · 11/10/2020 01:17

My DH's best mate is single & looking for a girlfriend but has ridiculously high standards so is likely to stay that way.
I genuinely like him a lot & we get on great, but it seems that every Saturday night without fail, he joins us for supper at around 6-7pm. He's always invited & we enjoy his company. But then he & my DH will sit chatting in the kitchen until 1, 2, 3 or even 4am, leaving me watching TV alone or going to bed.
I often get cross about this & make it clear to my DH that I'm not happy, but then I'm seen as the one in the wrong...AIBU?

OP posts:
RaisinGhost · 11/10/2020 03:31

It seems you have a problem of "DH hanging out with friend too often", not "friend who won't leave". If your DH is spending so much time with this person it is cutting in to your time together, he's the person who you have to address it with. The friend has nothing to do with it really. If he is invited over and your DH asks him to hang around all night, it's not his responsibility to decline in case you don't like it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2020 03:33

challenging but obedient

I'd assume he doesn't have a girlfriend because he's an enormous arsehole. Not high standards.

Just leave them to it.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/10/2020 03:37

Are they keeping you awake? Is DH being tired the next day causing issues? If neither then I don't see the problem. People don't have to turn their backs on everyone else after getting married.

rainbowninja · 11/10/2020 03:40

YANBU but your husband is for ignoring you and continuing to let the friend stay until the early hours, can he not compromise?

Kolsch · 11/10/2020 03:45

Just do your own thing. Catch up on a box set, listen to music, read, have a bath, see your own friends, whatever your thing is.
Then go to bed and leave them to it.
That's what I do.

Kisskiss · 11/10/2020 03:52

I think the problem isn’t with the friend, your Dh doesn’t want him to leave any earlier!

FortunesFave · 11/10/2020 03:57

Why do you care? You see your DH every other day...what's so bad about him having this one night regularly?

FortunesFave · 11/10/2020 03:58

Your main issue seems to be that you're left to watch TV or go to bed alone.

Are you 5?

Why's that a problem? I genuinely can't see why you'd care. If you want to socialise, can't you have a mate round?

pasturesgreen · 11/10/2020 03:58

Every Saturday would drive me up the wall! Why do you always invite him? Every once in a while is ok, every week without fail is suffocating.

Put a stop to it now and arrange to do something else with your DH next weekend. Apart from everything else, if friend is looking for a girlfriend he should be out there dating, not hanging out at home with his married mate!

NeonGenesis · 11/10/2020 04:44

Stop inviting him every Saturday, go for a night out as a couple, invite your own mate over, tell your DH to go over to his sometimes, ask your DH to send him home earlier...

There are so many solutions to this problem.

Minimumstandard · 11/10/2020 04:48

Start inviting one of your friends round for dinner as well on Saturdays. He'll think you're trying to set him up and stop coming round so often.

PJsEveryday · 11/10/2020 05:01

Sorry OP but something isn't quite right in this scenario. It seems its only you who has a problem with your friend staying too late your DH is perfectly fine with it. And your friend is invited back every week. I think the 'looking for a girlfriend but have high standards' claim is a red herring. There's a reason your DH is happy to spend all that time with your friend, rather than cosy up with you. That's not meant yo be blunt because it would really piss me off if my DH did this too. But I think you need to start asking why he does this. Sorry OP

ToastyCrumpet · 11/10/2020 05:04

@Minimumstandard How to lose a friend in one easy move!

OP I think the problem is your OH. He’s happy with the situation. I’d be going to bed at 10 with a book and getting up at 8 and going out with a friend. If your OH doesn’t like it, it’s up to him to change how he’s spending the weekend.

garlictwist · 11/10/2020 05:19

Ha. Sympathy. My other half's best mate is like this too. He comes over on weeknight and my other half has to kick him out about 2am. I just fuck it off and go to bed.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/10/2020 05:23

It sounds as if you are being passive through this. If your dh doesn’t want to tackle this, your only option is to make your own plans that evening and the next day - both together and separately.

hypochondriacseveywhere · 11/10/2020 05:26

You can still be friends with someone without seeing them every week. Stop inviting him over every week. Better still speak to your partner about it.

Fannybawz · 11/10/2020 05:35

@FortunesFave

Your main issue seems to be that you're left to watch TV or go to bed alone.

Are you 5?

Why's that a problem? I genuinely can't see why you'd care. If you want to socialise, can't you have a mate round?

What, EVERY Saturday? Til 3am?

What do you think happens on a Sunday in their house? He’s probably asleep til midday!

ColleagueFromMars · 11/10/2020 05:59

What is your beef? The fact that this human relies on you two for all his companionship? The fact that you feel left out once a week on a prime date night? The fact that it's a Saturday night? The fact that it's him? The fact that he's disrespectful towards women?

What happens if you make arrangements to go out with your OH next Saturday night?

FlippinNoah · 11/10/2020 06:01

Urgh I'd ban him from the house for merely stating he wants a girlfriend who is 'challenging but obedient' - he needs a dog, not a girlfriend, if that's his criteria.

kavalkada · 11/10/2020 06:28

You should talk to your husband and see what happens next. Problem is your husband likes his company.

Is there an activity you three could do together?

I'm the one who likes board games and I always invite my husband's friend over because he likes them too. If I could have him two-three times a week I would like that. He also doesn't have a girlfriend at this moment and I'm scared when he finds one he will not come over. Well, I can hope she'll like board games as well.

JoanApple · 11/10/2020 06:32

Obedient? Sounds like he is in need of a dog then, not a woman.

SandMason · 11/10/2020 06:34

@Goldebeare

JKRowlingIsMyQueen

'She' would need to be beautiful, intelligent, fantastic figure, hot, challenging but obedient, etc...

Puke. ‘He’ would not be entering my home, let alone staying til 4.
ChristmasStocckings · 11/10/2020 06:49

@avamiah

Goldebeare , That’s Great that they don’t Do DRUGS and hardly any alcohol . So be straight and tell the guy it was about time he left or just say “fuck off”.
Why do you keep shouting the word drugs? Confused
Roselilly36 · 11/10/2020 06:56

I can see how it’s would get you down OP, it’s just too much. How is he going to find a girlfriend around yours every Saturday night! Would DH want one of your friends over every Saturday, no I thought not. Just stop inviting him, every week is over the top.

Beautiful3 · 11/10/2020 07:08

I would say at 10pm, "it's getting late now, we're going to bed. Thanks for coming, lovely to see you."