AIBU to think being a single working parent is financially not possible

[36pregnant]

How do single parents actually manage to survive? I’ve tired in vain to find ways to work part time (thanks Covid) and have a newborn. It seems that it’s not possible and really benefits are the only way.

Not all single parents struggle financially we're all different people with different circumstances.

@Lillysnotroses I contacted my gp and I wrote unexpected pregnancy on the form. They literally wrote - how do you want us to help. I felt like writing back saying you are the doctors, you tell me how you can help, give me options ffs. But they have me the nhs email. The nhs email hasn’t responded to be yet.

What support should I be asking for? I don’t know what’s on offer.

Sorry to read about your mental health issues

There is specialist counselling to help you decide whether to continue or terminate the pregnancy; you could ask your GP to refer you or just contact BPAS or Marie Stopes directly.

Are you getting support for your mental health issues? If not you should discuss them with your GP too. Have you been diagnosed as bipolar or is it just something you suspect? You should mention that too.

Even with an involved, supportive partner and family, pregnancy and parenting a baby are really hard work and can have a negative impact on mental health. So if you do want to continue the pregnancy, make sure you're getting all the MH support you can.

@AnotherEmma hi. The issue about being referred to a pregnancy counsellor is they will ultimately leave it up to me. So I will ask to be referred anyway.

My GP is well aware of my mental health and the services are limited in this country. I don’t know if I’m bipolar or just used sex as a coping mechanism. Dunno. I’ve been in paid therapy for many years (when I lived in another country).

I think the real issue is that being a single person without a child makes me a lesser person in my eyes. I think people are judging me and thinking what went wrong. Or maybe I’ll get older and regret it. But at the same time something wanting attention 24/7 isn’t my Personality.

If I remember correctly I’m going back 6 years.. don’t you request the midwife? They usually want to see you first I think. Your GP sounds unhelpful.

Call your GP on Monday and request a doctors call back.. and explain your situation they should book you in with the midwife.

Is your GP unaware of your mental health state?

I messaged the guy and he’s ghosted me. Part of me thinks he will get in contact and another part thinks no. So stupid.

Ive done it since DC was 1yo
He went to a CM and I worked 8-5 then after DC2 I worked OOH because CM was going to cost too much.

Its totally possible, just working out what works for you.

There are plenty of people - single and in relationships - who decide that parenthood isn't for them. It's a perfectly valid choice and it doesn't make them "lesser". And there is absolutely no shame in having an abortion if that's what you want; in many cases it's the responsible choice.

The problem is that it can be difficult to make decisions when you're depressed and when you see everything in a negative light. A counsellor won't make the decision for you (obviously) but can help you work through your feelings and find some clarity.

Good luck.

@Lillysnotroses My GPs have referred me to top tier counselling etc as my needs are so high.

I’ve changed doctors recently but it should be on the notes etc as I needed a new

Setting practicalities aside for the moment, OP, what do really want, deep down?

It’s doable but takes planing. I knew I had a limited support network given our recent re-location, so I started businesses post divorce. I WFH, we have very limited local family support and ex lives an hour away.

I use a mixture of before/after school care and play dates which I reciprocate with other school mums. I work EOW usually when the dc aren’t at home. If something is time sensitive/urgent and I need to be away from home for 2-3 days at a time, I use a travel nanny who is eye watering-ly expensive but she’s amazing as she does overnight care will often arrive at my house at 3.45am or will work until very late if I’m stuck somewhere, 18 hour days is normal if I’m setting up a new site. But the pros are, I’m usually always at home for sick days, assemblies and all those kinds of school related things.

It’s tricky juggling childcare & the dc needs, throw in expectations from an employer, I don’t think I’d have been able to cope personally. Everyone’s situations are different, you do what works for you.

@AnotherEmma I want the child but the other part thinks what’s the f have I been doing to get myself in this situation and just abort. I just can’t see anyone helping me make the best decision.

When I go on this thread all I’m being told is I’m on a low wage for someone my age, get educated (yep I’ve done that) and that I’m not in a good position.

@bibliomania baby. I was happy when it happened.

@bibliomania I just can’t imagine life with a child. How do women decide what to do. I’ve had another abortion 5 years ago and that was easy. I only regretted it as I thought I couldn’t have children (as confirmed by doctors). But now I’m asking myself if it’s what I really want:

@bibliomania I also can’t imagine life without a child: but being a single parent with the guy not around.
I would love to tell my family for their reaction. Mum and sister are aganist abortion though so I would know their tecqtionzx

If you really want a baby, it's doable.

It is hard trying to imagine yourself with a child when you don't have one. It's not just the cute squishy baby, it's the bundle of rage screaming all night, and the tantruming toddler, and the moody teenager. I think it was worth it, but it's not a universal sentiment.

"I just can’t see anyone helping me make the best decision."
A counsellor can help you. There's also a specific section of Mumsnet where you might get more helpful replies and fewer critical ones: Pregnancy Choices. You could get this thread moved or start a new one there.

Please don't tell your mum and sister just yet - not unless deep down you want them to encourage you to keep the baby and tell you not to terminate!

Sorry, i generally avoid saying "keep the baby" as it's not a baby quite yet, I should have said continue the pregnancy.

@AnotherEmma thank.

I work full time. Dud from when dc was 7 mths. Dropped to 30 hrs (4 days) when he turned 3. Back to full time this year (moved to a new job, better work life balance but lower salary so did that to make up most of the difference - it was still a pay cut.

Nursery plus my dm 1 day per week. Now I use wraparound care at school.

Hard going at times but this is being a single parent basically.

I am a single parent and it’s definitely doable

Frustratingly, I am capped by my earning potential until my children are all in school. I’ve earned £11000 a year working part time from home (no childcare) and full time earning £40k needing full time childcare, and I was marginally better off working full time. Marginally as in £100 or so a month (which was easily spent on travel and lunch costs working full time outside of the home!) it’s ridiculous.

I’m now having to find new work after my businesses closed due to Covid and I’m stuck in the same predicament. We will manage, as will you, but until the kids are in school and no longer need £200+ a week of childcare you seem to be stuck

I did a nmw factory job full time 8 to 4.30
Luckily had good wrap around childcare through the school which I paid for and tax credits helped with

Had very little help elsewhere

Also my youngest 2 were fortunate enough to be rarely ill so didnt often have to take time of with them

I honestly dont know how I'd manage now with all this covid shit going on. I have a dp now and my hours are part time and dd is older

I was a single working parent for 7 years with dd1. I used a childminder and relied on the childcare element of tax credits to be able to pay her. I worked full time as a teacher. It was a struggle to get through the month, but that was just as much to do with me having debts to pay off as anything else. If I didn't have the debts we would have been quite comfortable.

You will get significant support with childcare costs on that income. Have a look at the tax credits calculator.

@Scatterbrainbox

You will get significant support with childcare costs on that income. Have a look at the tax credits calculator.

Or don't, because it's no longer possible to make a new claim for tax credits (OP would need to claim universal credit instead).