AIBU to think being a single working parent is financially not possible

[36pregnant]

How do single parents actually manage to survive? I’ve tired in vain to find ways to work part time (thanks Covid) and have a newborn. It seems that it’s not possible and really benefits are the only way.

Single parent, 3DC ages 12 10 and 4.

Currently a Microbiology student, Year 2. And I work from home via the Uni, about 5 hours a week.

It's exhausting. My MH is shot to shit and I'm under a Psych, on several different medications.

Youngest is with me 24/7 (abusive ExH is thankfully totally absent).

I love what I do which helps, but Covid has completely fucked me over.

The most successful full time single working parents I know are TA's or workng in schools. They work full out during the school year then don't need childcare in holidays.

I was a s

I am not a single parent but have no family nearby and a husband who doesn't see the point in me working so has no interest in sharing any disruption to working hours. Things that I would suggest are likely to be difficult:
Childcare has fixed start and finish times eg you must collect by 6pm. That can mean you can't just stay on for that meeting or come in early for that other meeting. Depending on your job and travel times between work and childcare that could make things difficult. It can also make finding a new job difficult, although some sectors are much more likely to have fixed hours than others.
Babies/toddlers get ill quite often -nursery/childcare will not take them when ill (tummy bug/chickenpox etc) but will still charge you so you usually have to take unpaid time off work at short notice while still paying childcare fees. This is obviously financially rubbish but depending on your employers sympathy towards absence can also be a problem in terms of keeping your job.
If your child needs routine hospital checkups you will also need to take unpaid time off to take them there while still paying childcare fees.
Friends can be very helpful but this is more for the odd hour after school, not for three days when child has a sickness bug.

I'm not saying it's impossible, but these were things I wasn't really aware of before I had children which might be useful for you to know.
I know a single parent who was absolutely desperate to work and had relevant qualifications and work experience but ended up stuck on benefits until her child was at school.
I also know another friend who is not single but really struggled to hold down her job (despite also being very keen to work) because her child spent a lot of time in hospital as a baby but didn't have a diagnosis that neatly ticked the boxes for the benefits system.
I'm really sorry you find yourself in this difficult position. Do you have anyone to talk to in real life?

Why do you feel you have to work if you have a preschooler. Who gives a rats arse if you're on income support and with your child until they start in the early years. Once they're in school, working in a school works well. Same holidays, hours etc. Christ it's not just couples who should have one sahp for their kid.

@WINDOLENE it’s boring looking after a child. I couldn’t see myself at home just doing it.

I’m sure most will pick up on the word boring, but it is monotonous

Looking after a child can be boring and monotonous. I'm sure there are some parents that love every second but I imagine most of us find a fair bit of it pretty dull.

According to UC I don't need to work until DD but from what I'd heard it would be far harder to get a job after 3/4 years out of the workforce so I carried on working.

I was self employed, then 16 hours from DD being 11 months old, then I changed jobs in May and went up to 25 hours. I'd like to be full time by the middle of next year.

It's been the right choice for us. DD loves nursery so her hours increasing as my hours have haven't been an issue.

Not working for years would have been the end of my mental health I think.

*that should read "until DD goes to school".

@Meme69

I have 3 children, am a single parent and work full time. It is totally do-able, once you get a decent job. It is the getting a decent job that is the hard bit.

This. I am a single parent of 3 (nursery to primary age), with sole custody (bar a few hours a week of fun dad playtime) and work full time, it is manageable but only with money or family support. I have no family able to help, but can pay for childcare, even though it's stupidly expensive. All up, I'm only slightly better off in cash terms than if I was on benefits, and I miss being home with the kids tremendously, but it's still worth it for pension, national insurance and keeping my CV live, especially as I can't rely on my ex.

One of my friends has moved in with a single mum friend so that they can share childcare a bit - they take turns doing nursery drop off and pickup, cover each others on days off and between shifts etc. It's had some teething issues but seems to be working well now, would something like that be possible for you?

I've been doing it for over 11 years now since my husband died and I had 4 children at home. It's hard work but there is no other real option.

@WINDOLENE

Why do you feel you have to work if you have a preschooler. Who gives a rats arse if you're on income support and with your child until they start in the early years. Once they're in school, working in a school works well. Same holidays, hours etc. Christ it's not just couples who should have one sahp for their kid.

Seriously, when did you have kids, presumably a long time ago? Benefits are hardly generous for staying home right now, my friends in that position are on their bare bones, with no savings for if anything goes wrong. And school jobs are like gold dust. Every dinner lady position gets hundreds of over-qualified applicants, and TA work for example is really poorly paid for the work put in, and especially as you often need to pay for wraparound care because if you work school hours, you can be there for dropoff and pickup. Way to make single mums, who are already working hard, feel like crap.

Op it's all so complicated isn't it. You've got a lot to think about. Your first question is do you want this baby. If you don't, that is absolutely fine. If you do, you'll work out how to do this. Although there are gaps in welfare provision, very few mothers with children end up actually destitute - none of us on this thread have, and there are lots of us who have had tough times, so take that out of the equation.

You might end up skint, or doing a different job to the one you'd like, but you are vanishingly unlikely to be in danger of you or your child not surviving at all.

It's probably also unlikely to end up with you being a plucky single mother smashing the system and becoming CEO by the time you're forty nor are you likely to stay on benefits forever just because you take a bit of a breather when your child is young - you'll just be living a life, playing the long game with its ups and downs like everyone does, with a child. If that's not for you and you'd rather take your path alone, you have your answer, but either way I guarantee that nothing is static, nothing can be predicted and nothing is certain. Which is what makes this such a difficult choice.

The most successful full time single working parents I know are TA's or workng in schools.

What do you mean by “successful”?

[quote 36pregnant]@WINDOLENE it’s boring looking after a child. I couldn’t see myself at home just doing it.[/quote]
It is boring and so so isolating if you have no money to go to soft play, parent and baby groups, meet friends for coffees etc. If it’s something you’ve done out of necessity rather than actively wanting to stay at home it’s a fast track to depression and that’s really hard to pull yourself out of. (Speaking from experience) if you’re having this baby, stay in work, for your own mental health.

Are you 36 years old op?

If so and you want children, I would have this child and scrape by for a few years.

@hettie555 yes I am.

Would you be up for moving somewhere where there are more jobs in your field of work??

@whalesandsharks I live in a large city.

@whalesandsharks my issue is my lack of experience and than my ability to get interviews and of course job market and and and....

@36pregnant I hear you. What is your degree in?

Good post, Enrico.

If you really really want this baby, you'll be able to make it work. You'll get maternity leave and that gives you a bit of breathing space to sort out the practicalities. You don't need to have worked out all the details for the next 20 years. One bit at a time.

It is possible, if course it is. Work time working parent with no family support for 12 years here. Made full use of breakfast club and afterschool care. All annual leave and parental leave used for holidays. I couldn't afford my mortgage on part time hours, did not want to sell my house and not eligible for benefits so had no other choice. Very tough for primary school years but had to make it work.

If you do decide to become a parent, embrace it! Drop the guilt and shame, drop the worrying about how you’ll manage. You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and arrival into parenthood. Get excited about it. Tell your friends and family and celebrate the new addition to your life. Have a baby shower, a leaving work celebration. Start planning. Don’t let it be ruined by all those feelings because you do not get that time back. Enjoy every minute of it.

@Smallsteps88 thank you