I've got C19. Why is my DH now pretending to be ill??

[dinosaurusmum]

I developed mild symptoms Monday (loss of smell, then taste a few days later) have felt a bit out of sorts but generally fine. Ordered home test anyway. Kept kids off school/nursery as precaution. Husband refused to isolate- "I'm not unwell. No symptoms. Why should I?!" In fairness he works outside and no contact with other others so not really a risk but not the point.

I've been extremely tired all week but thought it was migraine related. Imagine my shock to receive a positive Covid19 test today!

Literally the second I received it, DH has decided he is now absolutely desperately unwell. Has been ill for 2 weeks (err, no you haven't!!) Needs to rest over the next few days and has been generally painful to listen to all day.

I'm still feeling exhausted but getting on with it. He has absolutely no C19 symptoms but as with his usual attacks of hypochondria, I have to suck it up and get on with it. Including taking care of our 1&2 year old ds's whilst he sits on his fucking arse.

Aibu to expect him to grow the fuck up and help and that until he gets a positive test to assume he doesn't have it?! He was honestly 100% fine until my results came back.

@dinosaurusmum

So fast forward almost 12hrs later. He's slept the full 12, I know because he's snored like an absolute hippo. 2yr old has woken up. Guess who is seeing to him because'd'h is "too tired"?? Not tired enough to tell me to go fuck myself when I asked if he planned to see to his son or if that's my job too?

I've not slept much. A mixture or utter rage at my situation and by breathing has become more laboured in my chest and throat through the night.

This is no fucking life. He has no intention of supporting me equally through life.

The scales are falling swiftly from my eyes after reading through some of the comments. He'd rather me put the kids at risk than take care of them himself.

I'm raging on your behalf and worried about you. Telling you to go fuck yourself when your symptoms are worsening? He won't parent his DC at all when he really really needs to?

Why on wear yh don't you just laugh in his face? And let everyone else know, loudly and humiliatingly?

You really need him to step up and he’s stepped aside

Excellent way of describing the situation, and yes - unforgivable.

Any partner worth their salt would be confining you to the bedroom and taking care of the kids whilst attempting to reduce the highly probable chance of you passing it on to the kids. That is what my dh would do anyway.

The poster who asked why you have two kids so close together and are moaning about it was completely unreasonable and rather bitchy. Op didn't complain about this and shock horror not all kids are planned.

He may have health anxiety and you can either insist he seeks help or keep going along with this. Reading your post made me feel angry on your behalf. I would be so upset if I could not rely on my dh when sick. It doesn't exactly give you warm and fuzziness about the future does it? I think this hugely selfish behaviour would cancel out any redeeming qualities for me I am afraid.

You have a very clear view in the way your mil is being treated of what your life is likely to be like as your partner gets older. Why stand for this? Having a partner who is not useful or supportive when you are ill or vulnerable is not something I would stand for. Honestly I would ltb. If you intend on staying with him start by laying down some rules such as he must seek help. His behaviour is so selfish and attention seeking, a complete turn off for me.

My 13yr old pointed out that his first reaction to my positive test was "I must have it too!" With absolutely no symptoms. He at no point has asked how I am.

It's all rather fucking depressing.

Oh Dino . I'm so sad reading this. You deserve to be looked after. Even your 13 year old child can see that.

Your MIL isn't a saint to stay married to FIL. It's interesting that you see it that way though.

Your 13 year old child sees what we all see. Including you, now.

My partner is not great when I’m ill and there have been moments when I have used all my willpower not throw his clothes at the window, but your dh makes him look like an absolute saint.

I don’t know how you can bear to be in the same house! How have you not gone fucking nuclear on him!?

It's so sad to read your post, Dino. I don't know if it feels that way now, but scales falling from your eyes is a positive first step.

I hope that you feel better soon, and definitely get your 13 year old to help.

There is often lots of good advice on the Relationships board, if you want to get it all straight in your head when you're feeling better.

@Gncq

This is completely absurd. You're positive for Covid19. Chances are he's going to catch it. It's highly contageous, and in the meanwhile he could infect others, but you're both busy playing games rather than taking this seriously.

Actually the estimated infection rate between those that live together is 1/10.

This is absolutely mad! You must stop putting up with it- the pained martyrdom is getting you anywhere. Of my friends where one member of the family has tested positive they have, without fail, isolated themselves in a single room with minimal contact with the rest of the family- meaning that the other adult has had to do all childcare/ cooking/ cleaning. Every single one. Your husband’s attitude is absolutely not normal and I am not sure that discussion after the event will help- I think you need to get this sorted out now, or get yourself out of the partnership as soon as you reasonably can. This is not in any way normal.

It's really giving me pause for the future though. What if I do fall ill in my older years? How can I ever rely on him to care for me??

You won’t be able to rely on him. He’ll probably do a runner, like all these “men” in this depressing Guardian article.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

Not tired enough to tell me to go fuck myself when I asked if he planned to see to his son or if that's my job too?

He told you to go fuck yourself?

LTB.

Maybe that was a bit unhelpful. Trying to be constructive could you tell him you need a break and to be with your DC for, say 3 hrs? If he objects, remind him that he’s had 12 hours of sleep whilst you’ve been up with the DC?

I’m struggling to find anything constructive to suggest in honesty. He sounds incredibly selfish and uncaring. An ultimatum? He needs to give you time to recover and look after DC or you’ll be taking steps to separate once you feel better?

Tbh if my DH told me to go fuck myself when I was ill and looking after the DC and he’d just had a 12 hour sleep I would be taking steps to LTB.

I echo everything PP have said (except the vile creature who said spit in his food ) but in amongst his performance have neither of you considered that you were with your positive test being the prime carer of your little ones is (for now at least until he tested positive ) putting them at risk ? This is awful.

OP it sounds like you knew this about him before marrying and having the dc so my sympathy is limited, sorry! I personally couldn't have married a man like this so have no personal advice. I couldn't be with someone who cares so little about me.

I do hope you feel better soon though

He is despicable and I wouldn't blame you for despising him. And the comment about his learning this behaviour at his father's knee is worrying too, as there is the fact that children model their parents' behaviour in the relationships they go on to have. You have sons now...?

Not all men are like this. When my DS got Norovirus from school, he started vomiting at 6:30 am (after DH had gone off to work) and continued all morning. As the SAHP I looked after him and made him lunch when the vomiting tailed off by 1:00 pm and he felt ravenous. But I realised I felt awful and had to lie on the sofa while DS entertained himself, and when DH came in I was able to explain and creep upstairs to bed leaving him to be there with DS.

Unfortunately and predictably, DH got it too and I remember lying in bed unable to move when DH came slowly upstairs, went into the bathroom to vomit, then trailed off back downstairs to carry on looking after DS.

Your husband sounds self-centred and telling you to go fuck yourself is cold and uncaring. He would rather risk their getting it and you suffering being ill and having to look after them, than spend any of his precious time being with them and seeing to their needs. He sounds utterly foul. It doesn't matter if he seems nice usually, this is you seeing him as he really is, with a solid core of selfishness that your suffering doesn't affect.

This is actually a serious issue that needs more discussion and highlighting.

When relationships are hit by serious illness, it can bring existing gender inequalities shockingly to the surface.

Gendered expectations about household work ought to have changed in the last few decades. Women have almost equal representation in the workplace and in 41% of US homes, women are the breadwinners. More men than ever are stay-at-home fathers. And yet, when a woman falls ill, it can really reveal the extent to which men not only feel entitled to a certain level of housework and child rearing, but also have no concept of how to be an efficient and appropriate caregiver.

@ImSleepingBeauty

Not tired enough to tell me to go fuck myself when I asked if he planned to see to his son or if that's my job too?

He told you to go fuck yourself?

LTB.

I think he just wiped out any 'redeeming features'

He's a pig

You should be isolating.
Your 'D'H is willing to risk the health of your children and your recovery in some imaginary act of self-pity
He's a cunt

Im glad you've seen him for what he is, op. And your 13 year old has seen him for what he is. Time to make a plan to move on.

@ShebaShimmyShake

What does he say when you tell him you've got symptoms and a positive test and he seemed to be fine until you got your results? Or that he can't feel too ill if he's eating pizza and drinking beer? Or that if you're both ill, you need to parent as a team? Or ask why he's taking to bed and leaving kids with you when you're at least as ill as he is?

This behaviour won't be happening in a vacuum. What else is there?

No wonder the scales are falling from your eyes.

Tell him that even if he is ill, you need to split the kids and chores 50% each. Then reevaluate your relationship when you are better.