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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 19:38

Op, just take thirty seconds off of mumsnet and say thanks. Or ask your husband or daughter to. Seriously. You can come right back once you’ve done it. You won’t be banned. Honest.

raddledoldmisanthropist · 10/10/2020 19:39

Who has the time for this shite?

People who have a landrover a cleaner and a nanny. I'm amazed no one has pointed out that MiL was probably waiting to send the thank you card she'd already written for the anticipated thank you card for the gift.

Asterion · 10/10/2020 19:39

You may have a lot on your plates and be juggling many balls, but you've got the time and energy to post about your MIL on MN...

nocoolnamesleft · 10/10/2020 19:41

It would have taken less time to text a thank you than to start this thread.

Spiderbaby8 · 10/10/2020 19:42

I think everyone is a bit unreasonable really. As others have said a quick text takes a couple of seconds and it was rude, but equally if I knew a family was under a lot of stress I wouldn't feel the need to go on about it and make them feel worse.

Justmuddlingalong · 10/10/2020 19:43

You don't have to wait until you've spent a voucher to say thank you. If anyone gives your child a gift or voucher, either the child or parent thanks the giver. It's basic manners, even when life's a bit shit.

picosandsancerre · 10/10/2020 19:44

My MIL calls my DC every birthday and they thank her. Not sure why your DH mother is going off on one. I take it she directed it at her DS and not you. You havent said how old your DC is but my DD has only got her grandmothers number when she was 15 and texts.

picosandsancerre · 10/10/2020 19:45

Given the additional issues going on your MIL should be supportive not being critical

BlueJava · 10/10/2020 19:45

I think it's a bit rude not to have sent a text... however it's the height of rudeness to expect, let alone demand, thanks. So your MIL is being unreasonable.

BeaverTail · 10/10/2020 19:45

I absolutely, categorically would not send a thank you yourself. Either your daughter or husband can do it, depending on circumstances.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/10/2020 19:46

Maybe your MIL should be thanking you for taking such good care of her son and GD whilst they are both so ill.

Coffeecak3 · 10/10/2020 19:46

I agree about a voucher not being a very thoughtful present.
In fact because some of my adult nieces and nephews are so crap at sending a quick thank you message vouchers are what they’re all getting this year. I don’t see why I should spend time looking for the right gift and then not even know if it was received at all let alone well received.
I agree though that mil shouldn’t be looking for thanks. That’s rude too.

Bonniface · 10/10/2020 19:47

I think it’s a bit rude to leave it 6 days, though I appreciate you have a lot on. But a call or text would have taken very little time. It’s really on your husband though, rather than you, since it’s his mother.

Bananasinpyjamas20 · 10/10/2020 19:47

I really don’t get the massive fuss about a thank you straight away. Especially if it’s a fairly basic unthought out present that arrives in the post. You can thank someone when you next speak to them surely!

The people I know in my family who make a big fuss about being thanked are the ones that I find the rudest! They never like to just chat and talk to my kids, but if I don’t thank them immediately and profusely for gifts they start complaining. It honestly takes any joy out of the present that they gave.

PurplePansy05 · 10/10/2020 19:47

You had time to create a MN thread on this but no time to say a quick thank you to her in six days?

mellicauli · 10/10/2020 19:48

ah..I am never so annoyed as when I am in the wrong. Ring her up, apologise. Explain you are really struggling. Maybe she'll offer to help?

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2020 19:48

@Sookiestackhouse5

Thank you for all your your honest replies, I’m taking them all on board. It certainly isn’t a matter of not bothering, & I did think about on in the day but then didn’t get round to it, before I know it she’s on the phone. It’s not like I never planned to send a thanks or haven’t done in the past. I don’t feel like 6 days is that long. Usually I would take a pic of anything a voucher has been spent on & send it to show the gift. But she hasn’t had chance to spend it yet...
6 days is long.

But I'd have spoken to my DGC on their birthday and they would have thanked me then.

DayKay · 10/10/2020 19:49

She could’ve just called dd and asked her if she liked the present if she wanted thanks.
And I know you’ve got a lot on but really, Id just acknowledge that it wouldn’t taken too much of an effort to say thanks and you or dd could have.

FlyingPandas · 10/10/2020 19:52

YANBU OP.

I always ensure my DC send thank you cards for gifts - but to demand a minimum turnaround time of a few days and then start harping on about ingratitude is not on.

If it'd been six weeks post birthday, with no thank you sent from your DD, then that would probably be fair enough, but to make snide comments after six DAYS is pitiful and reflects far worse on your MIL - especially given everything you are dealing with as a family - than it does on you or your DD.

SunshineCake · 10/10/2020 19:54

Maybe a text with thank you and a note to say when she is able to go shopping you'll send a photo of her with the gift chosen would have been nice.

My kids are 15-19 and always send a hand written note or homemade card to say thank you for money or gifts.

NotMyFinestMoment · 10/10/2020 19:55

As others have pointed out, it takes seconds for you to send a text to say thank you. I'm not surprised that she is annoyed as between all of you, none of you made an effort to say thanks. I am not sure how old your daughter is, but if she is normally capable of saying thank you, you or her father should have overseen your daughter giving your MIL a quick call to say thank you in person. YABU.

Boriswentcamping · 10/10/2020 19:55

Wow! The lack of empathy here is 😱

Yes a thank you is nice, but I would never expect one as a gift giver.

Personally I think demanding thanks is way more rude...

If mil is aware of the pressures your family are under surely she could have called to check in / ask if everything was ok? Given you the opportunity to say thanks if that's what she wanted.

I assume a thanks was given verbally when the gift was handed over anyway.

It sounds like you have had a really hard year Thanks. You could explain this to them, but you shouldn't have to if she is aware of what you have all been through.

SharpLily · 10/10/2020 19:57

Giving with expectations of any kind is pretty rude. Had she taken time to send a thoughtful and carefully chosen gift instead of a box-ticking exercise voucher I’m fairly sure you wouldn’t have forgotten to thank her.

Should someone have thanked her? Yes.

Is it a big deal and worth making a moany phone call about because you forgot under difficult circumstances? No, and it’s rude in itself. It would bring out the child in me and make me never want to thank her for anything ever again. In fact I would probably just tell her not to bother send any gifts in the future if they’re going to come with conditions. She clearly has way too much time on her hands and a vastly overinflated sense of her own importance.

And six days can totally go by in the blink of an eye in my life, which is far less stressful than yours sounds, OP. Hell, I miss months at a time, never mind days!

BackforGood · 10/10/2020 20:00

I think the OP is getting a hard time on here.

How old is dd ?

In our extended family, MiL would have written 'Happy Birthday' in the WhatsApp group, and then dd would have said "Thank you for the voucher Nanny". End of.

If MiL was worried if the voucher had arrived in the post, I can understand her asking.

SewingBeeAddict · 10/10/2020 20:02

@Bonniface

I think it’s a bit rude to leave it 6 days, though I appreciate you have a lot on. But a call or text would have taken very little time. It’s really on your husband though, rather than you, since it’s his mother.
Not at all rude. Debretts state a week to ten days is acceptable. Its gracious for the giver to allow time for other things going on in the recipients life. The high of rudeness to ring and make a fuss.