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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
Toilenstripes · 10/10/2020 20:03

@raddledoldmisanthropist

Who has the time for this shite?

People who have a landrover a cleaner and a nanny. I'm amazed no one has pointed out that MiL was probably waiting to send the thank you card she'd already written for the anticipated thank you card for the gift.

No, people who are thoughtful and caring. Manners are free and not difficult to learn if you haven’t been taught by your parents.
GameofPhones · 10/10/2020 20:05

MIL is unsupportive and rude. A gift given in the expectation of thanks is not a true gift IMHO.

Nomorescreentime · 10/10/2020 20:05

I find it more offensive that MIL didn’t think to ring her granddaughter on her birthday, or apparently check on any of you all for at least 6 weeks? And then when she does finally call, it’s to have a go at you for not saying thank you for a gift voucher?! I hope things look up for you all soon OP. Sounds like a tough year Flowers

Someone1987 · 10/10/2020 20:08

Lots of excuses, when really a quick message to say thank you would have been common decency. YABU

OwlBeThere · 10/10/2020 20:10

I give gifts with no expectation placed on them. Having a cow about thank yous is so ridiculous. Yes it only takes a minute but when you’re already preoccupied with worry, things slip your mind.

Vivi0 · 10/10/2020 20:12

No, people who are thoughtful and caring. Manners are free and not difficult to learn if you haven’t been taught by your parents.

Oh, I was taught manners by my parents. What they didn’t teach me was to grovel for a fucking Yankee candle/vouchers for somewhere I never shop/a piece of clothing not in my size/clothes my children would never wear/body scrub and lotion that I would never use.

A thank you when receiving a gift in person, or when you next see that person, is enough.

ohnothisagain · 10/10/2020 20:13

To be fair, I would send the voucher back. If they only give to receive, you don’t need their gift. If they had called on her birthday (as any decent relative would), they would have received thanks.
They send a voucher, no personal congratulations, and then get pissy after less than a week with a family that has a lot on their plate? Whatever you do it won’t be enough, don’t even try.

WhoseKids · 10/10/2020 20:13

I can see why you'd be a bit put out to have a pissed off MIL on the phone when you have a lot on but it is projecting a bit.

However my DC say thank you when their GPs call to say happy birthday. It's a bit odd that your ILs didn't call or text to wish happy birthday but did call to complain.

I'll usually send a thank you text when something arrives just so the sender knows their gift has been received.

Biancadelrioisback · 10/10/2020 20:14

Well, it's done now so no use in staying annoyed (I know, easier said than done).
All you can do is apologise for not having sent a text or whatever sooner and remember in the future.
Not saying thank you is rude but you have a lot on your plate.

CherryPavlova · 10/10/2020 20:16

Rude, I’m afraid and making excuses makes it worse.

randomer · 10/10/2020 20:16

Dont give to get back. The vile woman is marking a score card. It makes me sick.

OwlBeThere · 10/10/2020 20:17

I had mental health issues as a kid, and being forced to phone relatives I didn’t know to say thank you for stuff I didn’t ask for remains a huge part of my almost-phobic issue with phone calls. I was crippling shy and insecure and talking to them used to keep me awake at night.
This kid and this family are going through the mill. If granny cares that much why didn’t she call her grand daughter and say happy birthday??

Burnthurst187 · 10/10/2020 20:20

You should have sent a text on the day, takes seconds

raddledoldmisanthropist · 10/10/2020 20:21

No, people who are thoughtful and caring. Manners are free and not difficult to learn if you haven’t been taught by your parents.

You are confusing manners with mannerisms.

There is nothing caring or thoughtful about a mandatory social obligation to send a message or card. It's just a mannerism to distinguish whether someone is in your class.

Frankly there is nothing caring or thoughtful about a gift card when your family are struggling. It's the opposite of those things when it's quickly followed by complaints if you don't complete the ritual.

Genuine manners are about making others feel comfortable: offering food or a brew in your house, not caring if they spill something, offering your time or help, not making a racket at 7am on a Sunday.

If you imagine those things depend on rules of etiquette passed on from your parents you are very mistaken.

Micawbs · 10/10/2020 20:22

It isn’t you OP 💐

Brefugee · 10/10/2020 20:24

That's rude of your DD. And of you. And I'm not surprised her grandmother is grumpy about it.

When I've sent presents to the kids in our family i know who will get a good one next time, and it's not the rude ones who don't acknowledge it.

PicsInRed · 10/10/2020 20:26

Her own son would send the thanks, surely.

randomer · 10/10/2020 20:26

Well you are one sad old bat@Brefugee. I'd rather have your shitty gift.

gamerchick · 10/10/2020 20:28

@Brefugee

That's rude of your DD. And of you. And I'm not surprised her grandmother is grumpy about it.

When I've sent presents to the kids in our family i know who will get a good one next time, and it's not the rude ones who don't acknowledge it.

No mention of the mils son at all then?

People who do what you've outlined in the last part of your post, end up very lonely in their advancing years I'd guess...

SharpLily · 10/10/2020 20:32

@Brefugee I’m pretty sure they’ll happily live without your gifts in that case.

elephantontheroofeatingcake · 10/10/2020 20:32

Ugh this attitude rather saps the joy of gift giving, demanding thanks in a particular way in a particular time frame, too many conditions and strings attached mean I'd rather the relative didn't give the gift. I won't play this game, also it's your husbands responsibility to thanks his own mother not yours.

WildWaterSwimmer · 10/10/2020 20:32

I'm shocked at those suggesting sending a text! For your MIL's generation, as someone who is upset at not getting a Thank You within 6 days, only a written note will do.

As a fellow mum of a SEN child I completely empathize with it being difficult to write a note so quickly when life is so overwhelming. You would expect MIL to have more compassion about your situation, rather than being annoyed at the lack of immediate gratitude. She has her priorities very wrong.

YANBU

ohnothisagain · 10/10/2020 20:34

So, according to many here, it is perfectly ok for a grandmother to not even call her granddaughter (who is going through a hard time - covid and health issues on top of each other is going to be horrendous) on her birthday. The same grandmother sends a voucher, so the world’s easiest gift and then throws a tantrum that a currently stressed family doesn’t thank her within a short period of time. That is all perfectly acceptable.
But a child suffering from health issued, with parents suffering from stressful events, in the middle of an extremely stressful period of time, are rude for not immediately jumping up to thank for a voucher when the birthday wasn’t acknowledged and any meaningful way (money is nice, but the personal “happy birthday” makes it a gift, otherwise its just a payment) ... ok. Interesting.

Mydogmylife · 10/10/2020 20:36

@Sookiestackhouse5

Goodbyeporpoisespit - thank you so much for the advice and I might very use it x
I really wouldn't ! Passive aggressive in the extreme. I do think you/your husband were a bit slack in not pinging off a quick text (30 seconds work at most) but this would really up the ante and is this a hill you want to die on ?
OwlBeThere · 10/10/2020 20:36

@ohnothisagain Star