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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
Original poster
Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 19:19

Goodbyeporpoisespit - thank you so much for the advice and I might very use it x

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/10/2020 19:19

YANBU... clearly with both husband and daughter ill and so much to worry about your MIL could have cut you a bit of slack... and also not rung up her son to complain that YOU hadn't acknowledged a voucher. She could have phoned to ask how you all were and let it go this one time since you usually say thank you. So no I don't think you were rude, just stressed.
One of our relatives doesn't "do" texts or emails, and only accepts a posted thank you card which has to be posted the day after receipt. She once complained, by phone and in writing! about our lack of manners because we'd only rang to thank on the day and then followed up with a large joint card we all signed. She wanted an individual card from each DC, sent the next day! A joint Christmas card and birthday card is also unacceptable. Must have it individually from all of us. I've bought them all in advance now so that I don't have to think about it because the attitude makes me so mad.

Notverygrownup · 10/10/2020 19:20

Oh bless you! You sound as if you have had a tough year.

I am clearly out of tune with the majority because our gift givers do not do texts. My kids have always had to write thank you letters, and they sometimes take a while to do, specially if there are a half a dozen of them.

My neices always send me a one line post card, which I really don't see the point of (though of course have never said). I'd rather wait a week or two and have a thank you letter (or phone call), telling me what they have bought, which takes 10 minutes of their life, than a 30 second "Thank you for my money. Love X" one liner. They are mid teens now, but the thank yous haven't grown any longer over the years.

However, we are clearly in the minority. Looks like the 30 second text is generally acceptable.Sad

raddledoldmisanthropist · 10/10/2020 19:20

It's really rude to not thank for a present and that's on the parents regardless of any pathetic back story

Did you mean to be so rude?

I think the idea of expecting to be specifically thanked for a gift is batshit. I thank people next time I see them, I don't know anyone who sends specific messages unless it's a significant gift and you won't see someone. I would have no clue whether a particular person did or didn't thank me.

Even if you have Hyacinth-Bucket-like expectations of being explicitly thanked to demand thanks is orders of magnitude more rude.

You don’t give gifts for the thank you but to bring someone else pleasure!

Carefull, someone will report you for 'comments not in the spirit of the site'.

YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 10/10/2020 19:22

Fucks sake. Is this Mumsnet or have I wandered into the stepford forum.

Put this from your mind op.

It was a gift from your husbands mother to your daughter. Not your fucking problem if between them they were too busy to text her. Don’t let any of them make it so.

Original poster
Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 19:24

Hailtomyteeth

Formal 'thank-you's are horrid. If it comes naturally do it, if not, move on.
Did the MIL call to wish happy birthday? That would have been a good time for a quick thanks. If she didn't she will have to live without it.

No she didn’t call or text. I agree on the formal thank you’s.

OP posts:
WeeWelshWoman · 10/10/2020 19:25

If you haven't had a chance to spend it, then it seems odd to have said thanks already. YANBU. If it was a gift not a voucher, then you call when you get it.

StillWeRise · 10/10/2020 19:25

exactly, demanding thanks is rudeness squared!
I think what someone said earlier is very pertinent and applies to so many PIL/parent/generational issues. People who have time on their hands (eg if retired) spend their time pondering and brooding and end up taking offence, where busy people don't have time to do this and so are not offended

StillWeRise · 10/10/2020 19:27

and- how much thought and effort went into a voucher?
MIL used to send me (me! not DP!) a cheque and expect me to buy the DCs presents 'from her' with it!

UsernameNeverAvailable · 10/10/2020 19:27

I think your MIL is the one being rude.

D4rwin · 10/10/2020 19:29

Really rude not to thank someone for a gift. Utterly rude and cringe to demand such a thing, particularly for a family going "through it" she sounds a peach.

cansu · 10/10/2020 19:31

she should have phoned or texted a thank you. The other things in your OP whilst v difficult are not that relevant. You ought to just have a word with your dd and tell her to give her gran a ring and say a belated thank you. It is probably more to do with the fact that the gift was an opportunity for your dd to phone her gran, have a quick chat and say thanks.

Vivi0 · 10/10/2020 19:31

YANBU.

I’ve never sent a thank you card, sent a same day thank you text or made a thank you phone call in my life. Nor have I expected it in return.

I always thank in person. Either when I am given something directly, or the next time I see the person on the very rare occasion something is sent to me by post.

Before MN, I never knew gifts came with such formalities and expectations. And whilst it’s always nice to receive a gift, if someone contacted me to reprimand me for not thanking them in what they deemed to be an appropriate timeframe/manner, then I am never that grateful for a gift, and I’d prefer them not to give me anything in future.

A thank you text/ call should have happened on the day/ next day at latest. To be followed by a "I spent it on this" message at at later date.

Who has the time for this shite?

Why do you all need to be thanked so badly?

isadoradancing123 · 10/10/2020 19:33

A text only takes a few seconds

Itstheprinciple · 10/10/2020 19:33

Yes, you possibly should have been in touch with her by now (well, not you but DH or DD depending on age/SEN)

However, her asking for a thank you is rude too IMO.

People put a great deal of importance on a thank you. I am still upset by something that happened after Dd's birth, so 13 years ago. I was suffering from post natal anxiety and was completely obsessed by what DD was drinking, was she well, did she have a temp etc. Nevertheless, I carefully wrote a list of who sent what gifts and, each day wrote a batch of thank you cards, specifically thanking them for their particular gift. I asked my mum for an address for one of her cousins and she accidentally gave me the wrong house number so it didn't get to them. A few weeks later, I got an irate message from my great aunt about why I hadn't sent them a thank you. It really upset me at the time, as I had been so fastidious about the whole thank you process at a difficult time and I knew I'd done it.

Sewrainbow · 10/10/2020 19:34

Actually I think mil was rude in this circumstance. Yes I think you or your dd should have sent a quick thanks message I think her complaining about it is rather poor and subsequently negates any thanks that are then given as she will think it's just because she insisted. It's her dad, she either gives willingly or she doesn't ...

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 19:34

Op it would have taken you less time to thank her than it would to have starte a thread on here about it.

I’m not sure why you all didn’t just say “ oh shit, we forgot to say thanks” and do so

Instead you’re on here complaining she’s unreasonable.

It’s very rude not to say thanks. Is there a back story here with her? Because with all that’s going on in your lives you still found the time to write a thread complaining about her on here.

Original poster
Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 19:34

Just to make it clear to everyone- it’s not that I don’t thank people for gifts, a lot of thanks got given on that day, some in person, some in texts. This particular one we hadn’t gotten round to.

Stillwerise- u hit the nail in the head

In response to the person that said “6 days” & “before you know it” aren’t interchangeable- I my life, believe they are.

OP posts:
mummabubs · 10/10/2020 19:34

Sorry but I think YABU. I understand things have been difficult but agree that thanking her would have taken seconds. Something that's stuck with me (I'm in my 30s) is something my grandma used to tell me growing up: "You thank someone for their gift within 24 hours of receiving it or before first use, whichever comes first" .

raddledoldmisanthropist · 10/10/2020 19:34

Is this Mumsnet or have I wandered into the stepford forum.

It gets like this on some specific issues. You get loads of people who insist you MUST pay if you invite someone out to a restaurant for tea and if you don't you are a monster and the whole world knows this rule. There are tons of 'em who won't date a guy who doesn't pay on the first date.

@Sookiestackhouse5. Don't you dare start quesstioning yourself just because people who would consider Jacob Rees Mogg nouveau riche give you advice on 'manners'. In the real world most of us have MiLs who would be offering to help out in the situation you describe and we barely tolerate the rude elderly relatives who fuss over nonsense.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 19:36

@StillWeRise

exactly, demanding thanks is rudeness squared! I think what someone said earlier is very pertinent and applies to so many PIL/parent/generational issues. People who have time on their hands (eg if retired) spend their time pondering and brooding and end up taking offence, where busy people don't have time to do this and so are not offended
It’s also rude not to thank someone for a gift, and the epitome of pondering brooding and taking offence is starting a thread on here about it instead of just saying thanks.

The op is also clinging to your post because you’re all on your own saying it’s the in-laws.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/10/2020 19:37

I don't send thanks by text, ever. There are some people who would consider THAT rude, too.

For good reasons my MiL doesn't have my mobile number so any communication goes between her and DH, who isn't the most regular of correspondents. I ensure she receives a thank you card for any gifts sent to DC. This usually happens within 2-3 weeks of receiving the gift.

It's not ideal to send thanks, but kicking off over this after a mere 6 days is pretty off, particularly given the circumstances.

reallydisgruntled · 10/10/2020 19:37

Huh? Why would you not thank her? Rude

kennelmaid · 10/10/2020 19:38

I don't believe it is a generational thing. I was never told to send thank you notes when I was growing up and I didn't teach my DC to do it either. I would be touched to receive a thank you note, call or text for a gift but I wouldn't expect one and I wouldn't dream of telling anyone off for not sending one.

Georgyporky · 10/10/2020 19:38

Thanks should come from the receiver, and fairly promptly
How difficult would it be for the recipient to show appreciation?