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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/10/2020 19:06

[quote Florencex]@gamerchick

The backstory was not pathetic, but to use it as an excuse to not display the most basic courtesy is pretty pathetic. And rude.[/quote]
Don't you think that maybe the OP has a lot on her mind that sometimes the little things get forgotten about?

And it IS a little thing. There's absolutely no need for the vileness being posted on this thread to someone who is going through more stress than your average person.

A bit of fucking compassion goes a long way.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 10/10/2020 19:06

YANBU, OP. You don't give to receive a 'thank you'. I give a present because I want to give a present. I give zero shits whether I receive a thank you. This is one of those things I dont understand why other people are precious about.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 10/10/2020 19:06

YANBU that’s not a gift then, it’s an act of martyrish and self serving smuggery in voucher form. I hope your DH is the one who sorts the thanks as well- otherwise it’s that age old issue of woman castigating women for failing at ‘wife work’ while the men let this kind of shit slide. Personally I’d face this head on with a text: we appreciate your gift Grandma and as you know we usually like to send thank yous very promptly but have been under a lot of strain recently. I am sure you’ll understand and appreciate that. Thank you note from DD to follow.

CheshireCats · 10/10/2020 19:07

A thank you text/ call should have happened on the day/ next day at latest. To be followed by a "I spent it on this" message at at later date.

ancientgran · 10/10/2020 19:07

As a gran and a MIL I'd be more pleased with the picture after the voucher was spent. Don't let it worry you, you just can't please everyone.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 10/10/2020 19:07

Sorry, but you were rude. The backstory isn't pathetic but it doesn't excuse you. A text takes a couple of minutes.

Moonshinemisses · 10/10/2020 19:08

Get your daughter to call her grandma, acknowledge she was wrong and say thank you.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 10/10/2020 19:08

And what @gamerchick said.

Leimarel · 10/10/2020 19:09

You should have prompted DD to send a thank you text the day she got the voucher, then a follow up text telling MIL what she had bought. It is rude not to acknowledge a gift, regardless of how hectic life is right now.

hammeringinmyhead · 10/10/2020 19:09

"Before you know it" isn't really interchangeable with "six days later".

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 10/10/2020 19:09

Does that mean you went 6 days without speaking to her? You didnt pick up the phone on her birthday and get her to speak to her relatives and say thank you?

I get my kids to phone and say thank you on their birthday when they get the gift and have a wee chat with their family.

You were rude.

rorosemary · 10/10/2020 19:10

Don't take the time to open a gift if you don't have the time to thank for it.

Also, keep a stack of thank you cards at home for bigger presents.

Having said that, if you normally always thank for presents then it isn't exactly a hanging offense if you forget it this one time.

Topseyt · 10/10/2020 19:10

It doesn't matter that she hasn't had a chance to spend the voucher yet. A text from one of you to thank her for it and six days is far too long.

gamerchick · 10/10/2020 19:10

@Moonshinemisses

Get your daughter to call her grandma, acknowledge she was wrong and say thank you.
Did you miss the part about how the daughter is atm? Do you think she's up to a telling off from her grandmother? Hmm

I don’t feel like 6 days is that long. Usually I would take a pic of anything a voucher has been spent on & send it to show the gift. But she hasn’t had chance to spend it yet

Tell your bloke to send that to his mother and then let it go. She's being ridiculous.

Hailtomyteeth · 10/10/2020 19:11

Formal 'thank-you's are horrid. If it comes naturally do it, if not, move on.
Did the MIL call to wish happy birthday? That would have been a good time for a quick thanks. If she didn't she will have to live without it.

maddy68 · 10/10/2020 19:11

Yes you are incredibly rude.

Laureline · 10/10/2020 19:11

Why is it your job to thank MIL?I don’t understand some people’s reaction.
In the shoes of MIL, I would think my granddaughter is going through some scary times, so is my son, and my DIL is probably stressed also, so I can take a chill pill.

Houndabouttown · 10/10/2020 19:12

I don’t think it’s that bad. It’s hard because the older people in my family can’t receive texts and a phonecall takes about an hour so I can’t call them on the same day, it does take time. I’m sure they think I’m rude too.

SBTLove · 10/10/2020 19:12

I did think about on in the day but then didn’t get round to it, before I know it she’s on the phone
6 days isn’t ‘before you know it’, whilst you were thinking about it that’s when you send the text, unless your DD is 3, all 3 of you were rude.

BeaverTail · 10/10/2020 19:13

I think I'd have to write off anyone who calls the OP rude, rather than her DH, as a mysogonist.

MsKeats · 10/10/2020 19:13

Yes, it is rude. A thanks and / or a call to say thank you is the norm in this house

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2020 19:14

What did DH say to her?

Thank yous are nice but under the circumstances she’s being horribly unsupportive and I think she’s the rude one.

Sorry for your struggles OP and I hope things ease for you all soon.

If people think not sending a thank you is rude I’m amazed they don’t think making a fuss about not getting one is at least equally rude. Have some bloody perspective.

GreatbigWoo · 10/10/2020 19:14

Definately yanbu. I have inlaws like this and i cant stand it. Maybe its just my family, but we have always given gifts and said thanks the next time we see them if its something small etc - often ages between visits. Its just never been a huge deal. DH's family operate.completely differently and I just dont understand the urgency to say thanks over small gifted items etc before next visits - and we see them very regularly. E.g. We hadn't been home with our newborn a week yet when DH's grandmother threw a strop for not being thanked for a card with £60 in it (they are very well off so not exactly a stretch, but still a lovely gift). Actually it was his parents getting mad on her behalf as she'd tantrumed to them. Fair enough, but we had stopped specially in to see her on way back from the hospital with our newborn and I thanked her in person for gift. However apparently it needed to be DH not me. It had been a traumatic birth etc and was our first baby so we were completely in a fog of stress and sleep deprivation that first week and could've done without being chastised like school children over something insignificant in the scheme of.things. My DH did apologise to keep the peace but I haven't made much time for her since. I'd rather not have recieved anything than it be used for an attention seeking tantrum. His parents are like this also. MIL dropped off some 2nd/3rd hand baby clothes from SIL and a few days later I recieved a msg reminding me to thank SIL for them as apparently she hadn't heard from me yet - i had still to even go through the bags.so hadn't thought about it. I know 100% SIL would not be uptight over that sort of thing and it was his MIL asking her if she had heard from me then chastising me for not being quick enough on the thanks.

Apologies for any derail but I deal with them now by just letting DH handle the interactions re.gifts. And direct any huffs to him. He is laid back and likes to keep peace but will let them know when they've crossed the line. And i try to remind him to send a thank you text quickly so its dealt with when I remember :)

Africa2go · 10/10/2020 19:14

YANBU but your H is.

I do think you're rude (as a family) not to have thanked her, but my H would have phoned her on the day so my DC could thank her. Why didn't he do that? If for whatever reason you all had a busy day, my MIL would have telephoned my H so she could wish my DC a happy birthday & DC would thank for a gift. It's a really strange set up that that you (as a family) and MIL haven't spoken on your DCs birthday or for 6 days afterwards!

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/10/2020 19:16

A quick thank you takes seconds, YABU.