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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 13/10/2020 02:17

Are you just being goady @SandyY2K? Just because you think something doesn't make it true.

Of course if someone hands me something, I would say thank you or if they held a door open or whatever. I don't have a total ban on the words 'thank you'. I just don't see the point in kids churning out loads of (probably near identical) thank you notes which is pretty boring and, I really don't think, makes them appreciative at all.

I mentioned my family to point out that there are different points of view about this. Naturally when we meet up we would verbally say thank you which probably means more than a parent-driven note in the post or email - I wouldn't blank it from my mind forever more! And yes a late gift (for no reason) IS seen as very rude probably because it shows thoughtlessness and a lack of care (not sure why that's ironic, but hey-ho).

When my kids have received substantial gifts on special birthdays or after results, obviously I have encouraged them to call to give their thanks. Fortunately my kids are lovely, polite and appreciative despite being deprived of years of enforced letter writing. Smile

Nonameslob · 13/10/2020 05:10

@winniestone37 As a SEN mother who has a lot more to deal with than you I say again grow up and take responsibility
How can you possibly know what someone else has to deal with? The answer is you can't.

Cantbreathe2020 · 13/10/2020 05:41

@namechangefail2020

It's really rude to not thank for a present and that's on the parents regardless of any pathetic back story, You're very wrong!!
"Pathetic" back story? Really???? Hmm
BigMC93 · 13/10/2020 08:28

@Cantbreathe2020 what a disgusting thing to say! 😡

dementedpixie · 13/10/2020 08:36

@BigMC93
They are quoting a different poster

Bluebelle100 · 13/10/2020 09:51

Ill health etc is no excuse for bad manners.....what example are you teaching your daughter. It's nice to say Thank You and nice to receive a Thank You

KatharinaRosalie · 13/10/2020 10:45

It's nice to say Thank You and nice to receive a Thank You

Is it also nice to demand a thank you when you know other people are going through challenging times?

phoenixrosehere · 13/10/2020 10:45

Some posters can’t read or comprehend what they read to save their lives.

OP didn’t known about MIL until HER DH told her about it. She then posted on Mumsnet about it. Good grief, how did some of you even make it past your teen years if you can’t understand what you read and cause and effect.

Also where is the annoyance at MIL for not calling her dear granddaughter to say Happy Birthday? She found the time to moan about not getting a thank you quickly yet couldn’t find one before to call her granddaughter.

This will simply make them unappreciative as they grow up.

What utter drivel

As a SEN mother who has a lot more to deal with than you I say again grow up and take responsibility.

And as SEN mother myself, maybe you as a SEN mother, should have a bit more compassion and should be the one to grow up. This is not the place to play pain politics and who has it worse.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 13/10/2020 11:02

How old is DD? If shes old enough to have her own phone & has managed to text friends over the last week, she could have texted her grandmother to say thanks.

SandyY2K · 13/10/2020 12:46

@Mothership4two

Are you just being goady @SandyY2K? Just because you think something doesn't make it true.

Saying thank you for a gift is the right thing to do. It's not debatable.

Thanks does not have to be in the firm of notes or cards. A phonecard or text is fine.

Not thanking shows a lack of appreciation....but some people will argue black is white 🤔

naomi81 · 13/10/2020 14:44

Just delegate it to dh when your driving him around! Done ✅

unmarkedbythat · 13/10/2020 15:01

To me it is ill mannered to contact someone to complain about their not thanking me for a gift. If there was any rudeness on the recipient's part for not communicating thanks soon enough, it's been cancelled out by the sour complaints about it.

phoenixrosehere · 13/10/2020 15:48

Saying thank you for a gift is the right thing to do. It's not debatable.

And calling someone to complain about not yet receiving a thank you is rude. That’s not debatable either.

G5000 · 13/10/2020 16:27

Just delegate it to dh when your driving him around!

More wifework is always the solution - OP, you need to remember and remind your DH that he says thanks to his mother for the gift his mother sent to his daughter.

Porcupineinwaiting · 13/10/2020 16:33

I think your dh was BU not to have organised a quick thank you and it was ok for his mum to pull him up on it. But it's not you who dropped the ball and it's not a big deal either way.

Br1256 · 13/10/2020 17:27

It is rude not to send a thank you..but I also think there might be a bit more to it.

You say your husband and daughter are both ill and perhaps your mother in law is also worried and stressed over her son and grand daughters conditions which may have caused her to be more forceful

Anyway I hope you can patch this up, it sounds like you are going to need support over the months to come...good luck

TerribleLizard · 13/10/2020 18:53

Nothing to do with you, OP, not your job. But you can be annoyed with MIL for picking her son up on letting something trivial slip his mind, rather than just giving him a break, and supporting him through his, and his daughter’s, health issues. If she was an otherwise nice person I would be disappointed, as it shows a lack of empathy.

People have different expectations, and there isn’t one hard and fast rule. I remember the chore of writing thank you letters to relatives who expected them, even though I had already said thank you in person or by telephone on the day. I’m glad there is less of that now, and I won’t expect my kids to write formal thank yous when they can send a video message or something.

I do like to know that things have arrived safely, and would worry that something hasn’t arrived if I don’t hear - but I would hate for someone to have been stressed about getting round to thanking me. I send presents so people enjoy their day, not to create annoying admin for them!

At the end of the day it was just a voucher

Sweetpea1532 · 14/10/2020 01:58

This reminds me of the time when my DF and DM came for a visit a couple of days after my DS 8yrs birthday...they gave him a card in person instead of sending it as usual....one of my other DC commented to DS8 that it was late because it wasn't his birthday anymore...His stellar comment as his was walking up the stairs was....."Who cares! It's got a tenner in it"Grin
And yes, he thanked them in person and also wrote a note when they got home from their trip

Sweetpea1532 · 14/10/2020 02:16

@Sookiestackhouse5
I am so sorry to hear of the rough times your family is going through and that your MIL isn't being at all supportive. You have many mnetters who are thinking of you. I'm sending you a hand hold.Flowers🙏
@Minxmumma...
I am so sorry you lost your mum especially right after your birthday and that your MIL isn't supportive either. We used to say when people were being rude and unkind, 'Consider the source'.
I'm sending you a hand hold also.Flowers🙏

me109f · 14/10/2020 02:36

Of course an acknowledgement and thank-you should be sent. A written reply is always best but a phone call or a text would also do. There is no excuse, moaning about your family troubles is pathetic. Unless you have been told that a reply is not needed, you are just showing bad manners. If your DD is too troubled you should do it on her behalf, and it is best to attend to these matters as soon as the gift (however trivial) is received, or after her birthday. It shows that you are just careless. I am surprised you have written such a long diatribe on Mumsnet when 2 lines to your PIL would have prevented it being posted.

G5000 · 14/10/2020 06:58

There are many people on this thread who care more about superficially following etiquette books and a tick in a box pre-typed thank you cards than actually being nice and supportive.

This year, FIL had a heart attack just before my birthday (he's fine now) and MIL ended up in the hospital at the same time for other reasons, so they didn't send me a birthday card. Oddly I went over to help then and not so I could whine about how rude they were.

Seeleyboo · 14/10/2020 07:02

This reply has been deleted

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Autumngoldleaf · 14/10/2020 07:40

Unmarked by that.

I agree! Such bad manners fishing for your thanks.

We never gave gifts like that growing up. Maybe it was the religious side that said give and don't expect thanks eg you give to give pleasure even if secretly?. It's why I'm more than happy to give most gifts from father Christmas, to my dc because my 'thanks' is their sheer delight and wonder!
I don't need the thanks and praise directly on me. I get it through their reactions!
Usually I film the dc opening whatever from others, and send that with a thank you.

People chasing thanks and being bad tempered about it is much worse in my book than someone in a time of great health stress not getting back as quickly as the giver wants.
I'd rather not have that person give more 'gifts' to be honest, I'd rather not have the pressure.

Op maybe your dh can apologise and pa say in a nice way please don't bother giving in future we wouldn't want to upset you or us if we didn't respond within your time frame...

Who needs the stress!

KizzyWayfarer · 14/10/2020 09:17

Clearly I’m against the majority, but I think MIL IBU. OP said they didn’t make a habit of not saying thank you for presents. Surely in healthy relationships there’s a bit of give and take. If someone forgets something, is late or whatever as a one-off, then even if you’re a little irked you don’t tell them off and make them feel shit. You let it go and show some kindness and tolerance in the same way as you’d like them to do to you. And that’s in normal circumstances, let alone when you know the other people are going through difficult times.

WalnutHouse · 14/10/2020 09:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think MIL is being unreasonable too. I went into labour on my SILs wedding day this year, our baby was 6 weeks premature so we then spent 2 weeks in NICU. Funnily enough this meant giving SIL their wedding present went on the back burner slightly. MIL was relentless with contacting DH laying the guilt trip on thick! Even texts sent on caps asking 'how could we not have given it to her?!?! the wedding was a week ago, two weeks ago, three weeks ago etc.'I just could not comprehend how she didn't get that we'd possibly had other things on her mind at the time! Why couldn't she have instead offered to give it to her? If it was clearly bothering her that much! Lol some people just have way too much time on their hands! Xx

But on another thought, maybe she is also very concerned about her son and wants to help but doesn't know how to reach out. So is doing it in a very odd way? Xx