MIL asking for thanks

[Sookiestackhouse5]

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

@C8H10N4O2

I think you should thank someone and it shouldn't take 6 days to send a text

The OP was neither the recipient of the gift nor the donor's child. Why do you think she is responsible for mediating the relationship between her DH and his mother?

OP - all of what C8H10N4O2 has said. Your DH is I hope capable (not so unwell as to not be able to) of coaching his DC himself on manners. This is not all on you. Please don't take responsibility for all of this thanking business! This wife-work type expectation does none of us any favours. It's his mother, he can take the lead on minding the relationship with his Mum and could also have thanked her on the phone, apologised if the thanking wasn't quick enough and reiterated where you guys are in the world of your challenges.

Good luck with navigating all of the things you have going on. Some empathy from all of your family would be so much more helpful to you now.

YABU

Just to make it clear to everyone- it’s not that I don’t thank people for gifts, a lot of thanks got given on that day, some in person, some in texts

So why did MIL not recieve a text? Surely grandparents would be one of the first to be thanked?

It takes about 10 seconds to send a thank you text - a lot quicker than typing your OP and responding on MN which you have found time to do.

I do wish people would lay off the 'woman duties' argument. It hasn't been stated that MIL was cross solely with the OP. People are calling OP unreasonable because she's the one posting.

OP - Either you or DH should have thanked your MIL a lot sooner. There's no excuse for a quick call or text. You both messed up just apologise and do better in the future.

YANBU OP. I think it is a cultural/class thing. My side of the family don't do thank you's but dh's do and would pipe up to let you know if they didn't get one. I tend to find it slightly ridiculous to make children send thank you messages for all their Christmas/birthday gifts nowadays. However, my family ensure that a card and a gift is given on or before a birthday whereas dh's side can give theirs days or weeks later. This took me some getting used to as I thought it was extremely rude.

Why didn’t you thank her on receipt of the voucher? Are you waiting until you’ve spent it before thanking her??

I think mil should have phoned on the day to say happy birthday and dd could have said thanks then.
I have had times when head space is just not there for communicating even texting.
I feel mil isn't very involved with what is happening in your house at the moment if she was she wouldn't be sat at home waiting for a thankyou.
I think OP you feel annoyed at mil that she is putting this pressure on when you are up to your limit but has done little to support you all. I would feel let down by mil.
I hope you can get a break soon in your house.

@SandyY2K I don’t think anyone is suggesting that people shouldn’t say thank you!

It’s a very long stretch to go from letting something slip your mind once while you’re under stress to becoming someone who never thanks anyone, teaches her child the same and is “scummy” as one poster was stupid enough to write.

The OP knows she should say thank you, she has said she thanked many people on the day - who TAF are all these perfect people who have never let anything slip their mind?

And as for having personalised cards made up and then setting up a routine of decorating them with pictures and posting off every single time... Are you for real?

You should have said thank you immediately. That's just basic manners. In terms of spending the voucher, that's completely different. But always say thank you

So why did MIL not recieve a text? Surely grandparents would be one of the first to be thanked?

1. The OP said in one of her first posts that their practice with vouchers was to send the thank you with a picture of the item purchased, not something you can do on the day
2. As the husband, ask the child. Why would the OP be responsible for checking all the family thankyou messages?

It takes about 10 seconds to send a thank you text - a lot quicker than typing your OP and responding on MN which you have found time to do

So you do think it was the OP's responsibility to do all the thankyous? Rather than the DH or DD who are not finding time to post on MN.
Because shock

I do wish people would lay off the 'woman duties' argument. It hasn't been stated that MIL was cross solely with the OP. People are calling OP unreasonable because she's the one posting

So you missed all the posts telling the OP directly or indirectly (like yours) that its her responsibility to manage her family thank you messages and that they must be done in the manner dictated by their own family customs?

This kinda sums up how I’m feeling...

Hope you're ok OP. personally I'd ditch this thread. People are just being arses for the sake of it. You've done nothing wrong. Your mil has behaved like a knob and I hope things improve for you.

I feel you OP !
Until this thread I did not believe so many people would put so much store by manners and so little by compassion. Lesson learnt. In future you now know that one of the three of you needs to thank MIL the instant a present arrives - forget waiting until DD has bought something and showing what that is - as clearly the act of thanking is of paramount importance .

Thank you so much guys, your supportive words count for a lot x

Some people just love all the wifework. When we got married, my MIL clearly expected that I will start sending cards to every distant relative of hers I have never met. Not only is DH not expected to send any cards to my family, he is also never been expected to send cards to his own relatives - the ones I should now remember and send cards to. His relatives. I mean WTF.

Can’t believe some of the replies! I would be annoyed in your situation. MIL needs to cut you some slack and if not getting a prompt thank you is the main thing on her mind then that says a lot more about her and than you. Wishing you and your family well OP x

6 days

A Thank you text or a 2 minute conversation is not difficult.

Having things going on in your life is not an excuse

You got the time to open the present, You fot the time to Thank someone

I hate rudeness.

If a text would have done the job, then I would have done it straight away. But if you MIL expects a handwritten note then YABU. You sound overwhelmed and don't need the guilt trip over such a small thing. Maybe take the opportunity to tell MIL that you feel you are drowning? Perhaps in addition to letting the thank you go she will offer some more practical or emotional support?

@C8H10N4O2

I think you should thank someone and it shouldn't take 6 days to send a text

The OP was neither the recipient of the gift nor the donor's child. Why do you think she is responsible for mediating the relationship between her DH and his mother?

It might be nice if someone in the house showed the child that it is good manners to give thanks for a gift.

If my husband wouldn't/couldn't do it, then I would do it because I want my child to grow up with good manners and that needs to be taught at home.

Dressing it up as refusing 'mediating the relationship between her DH and his mother' is pure shite and sounds like something culled from a third rate sociology course. people tying their knickers into not very strong knots to justify bad manners.

Get a grip and send a text for the sake of your child because good mannered people are more pleasant to be around than mulish ones who don't see good manners as essential.

Anyway, bottom line. You're oh here wasting time rather than sending a text so all this justifying for not thanking her is bollocks isn't it. You don't want to thank her and that is another thing entirely.

OP YANBU of course you usually say thanks, either by text, phone or card. Occasionally though, life becomes very stressful, and gets in the way of how you normally like to do things. The fact you hadn't got round to sending a thank you YET on this occasion does not make you rude, just human. I like to speak to my grandkids on their birthdays and thanks get passed on then.

I take a photo or video of my child opening the present and send it to the giver as a thank you, usually on the same day. As soon as they are old enough, they will do it themselves.

Once you are in the habit, it really does take just a few seconds (you can even copy and paste the same message if you are being really lazy) and then there’s nothing to worry about remembering afterwards. I really don’t know anyone who doesn’t do the same and I’d probably assume someone didn’t get my gift if I didn’t receive a thanks which I would then apologise for and resend.

It might be nice if someone in the house showed the child that it is good manners to give thanks for a gift.

If my husband wouldn't/couldn't do it, then I would do it because I want my child to grow up with good manners and that needs to be taught at home.

If my son had recently required surgery for a serious degenerative condition which was progressing faster than originally thought, and my DIL had to drive him everywhere and worry about how long he could keep working, and my granddaughter had recently developed a significant MH issue that meant she was now classified as SEN at school, and both adults are trying to hold it all together, IN the middle of a pandemic, I think I should have moved beyond ticking people off for a lack of 'good manners' after six days and lecturing them on what 'their generation' is doing wrong.

I mean, maybe the OP and her family sometimes don't ask to be excused at mealtimes, or eat with their elbows on the table, because, frankly, they have more things to be worried about at the moment.

I get she's stressed-her husband's mum is probably worried about her son as well.

Alas, the stressed point isn't holding water because if she is using that as a defence to not whip off a quick text, then why is she spending longer on Mumsnet moaning about it!

If she is not to stressed to be on here, then she is not too stressed to say thank you, which takes less time and effort.

There really is no excuse for not sending a quick text or making a short phone call to say thanks for a gift. I mean, there’s time to post long posts about this on mumsnet... And I get where you’re coming from about the stress of a very sick husband- I’ve been there too in recent years. I’d imagine his mum is worried too.

Keep your chin up, you’ll plod through these tough times, but you guys do need to admit you’ve not really done the right thing here, and your husband’s mother was not out of order for grumbling at him when she spoke to him.

If she is not to stressed to be on here, then she is not too stressed to say thank you, which takes less time and effort.

Again - not her gift to thank for, not her parent complaining.

And if we are all going to impose our views of the "correct" form my MIL would not have been happy with a "quick text" which would be more disappointing than nothing.

I've been in the OP's situation with a seriously ill DH, growing kids with their own issues whilst trying to keep a roof over our heads.

Fortunately none of the full grown adults aware of the situation whinged down the phone at me if the kids were late with a thankyou note.

Anyone else tellling me it was more important than the million other things I was juggling because obviously as the woman my top priority should be pacifying my husband's complaining relatives would be told exactly what they could do with their notions.

My DM always expects an instant response and the whole family is aware of that. When they don't thank her I get it in the neck.

It used to really annoy me but now that DS has moved away so everything has to be posted it's really frustrating when they don't even let me know something has arrived. I don't expect grovelling thanks but just a quick text from DS that he's got it. It would be nice if occasionally DIL would let me know whether she likes what I'm sending her DCs, or whether I'm wasting time and money but apparently her family don't do thank yous. [Hmm].

That's absolutely fine if she prioritises Mumsnet over a quick thank you.

That's her time, her call to make but to then let on that she hasn't done it simply because she is so stressed is balls.

She just just own it and, if she wasn't feeling so guilty about it, she would.

I bet a saddled horse though that she is delighted with all these posters making excuses for her, especially if they include faux feminist/sociological thinking!

OP. You prefer to Mumsnet. Your call. You decide on your priorities.

Please don't take the rest of us for gobshites into swallowing the line that you haven't been polite because you're too stressed.