Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 12/10/2020 13:19

Why are so many of you insisting on blaming the OP? It was her DH's responsibility to thank his mum for the voucher. And he was the one him mum complained to. I know he isn't well, but he was obviously well enough to speak on the phone to his mum. Or, depending on her age, he could have reminded their DD to call/text her Grandma.

The OP only knows about it because her DH told her about it.

I am surprised at the MIL's priorities, though. Her DS's condition has gone downhill and her DGD has SEN and MH issues. I would have expected her to be more concerned about their wellbeing than about being thanked for a voucher.

gurteee · 12/10/2020 13:28

I guess I'm old-fashioned but I like my gifts to be acknowledged at least - not looking for profuse thanks. For one thing it's nice to know they actually arrived!

IMO if you have time to open (and possibly use) a gift, you've got time to thank the sender.

I hope things get better for your daughter Thanks

S00LA · 12/10/2020 14:09

Some of you are undoubtedly going to be the MIL from hell, more concerned about correcting people, being a martyr and power play than about building good relationships with your adult children.

I bet some of you will be back in 20 years Complaining that you never see your GC.

I hope you are OK OP and your husband is recovering. I’m sorry you’ve had so many unkind responses here.

Original poster
Sookiestackhouse5 · 12/10/2020 14:12

C8H10N4O2 Thank you for your comments. The roof over our head is also one of the things I’m worried about right now, with to possibility of DH not being well enough to work at some point in the future. Its good to hear I’m not alone with this feeling of not coping with the current demands I’m facing

OP posts:
gamerchick · 12/10/2020 14:35

@LovelyLovelyMe

That's absolutely fine if she prioritises Mumsnet over a quick thank you.

That's her time, her call to make but to then let on that she hasn't done it simply because she is so stressed is balls.

She just just own it and, if she wasn't feeling so guilty about it, she would.

I bet a saddled horse though that she is delighted with all these posters making excuses for her, especially if they include faux feminist/sociological thinking!

OP. You prefer to Mumsnet. Your call. You decide on your priorities.

Please don't take the rest of us for gobshites into swallowing the line that you haven't been polite because you're too stressed.

Yeah, properly suit your username you do....
G5000 · 12/10/2020 15:01

There is an active thread at the moment by a woman who was posting just before and after being taken to the hospital while bleeding heavily with suspected ectopic. Where are her priorities, if she has time to mumsnet then surely she could have spent that time writing Xmas cards!

CallmeAngelina · 12/10/2020 15:06

"My side of the family don't do thank you's"

Really? You all are happy to receive gifts, but don't think it's necessary to thank the giver?
Blimey.

CallmeAngelina · 12/10/2020 15:08

"Until this thread I did not believe so many people would put so much store by manners and so little by compassion."

It's not a binary choice, you know.

Spottiwatty · 12/10/2020 15:47

You seem to be carrying all of the burden OP. MIL must know this. Surely your DH thanking his DM is enough? At this stage DD can text MIL. Why dose it always fall to the DIL to do theses things?

youdidask · 12/10/2020 15:59

I get it op.
We always get the kids to write thank you sand that takes time. Once they got their own phones they can text a certain people a thanks you but there are others who still expect a written one or we'd rather they got a written one.
MIL always, and I mean, always will make some comment about the present etc knowing full well she gets a written thank you.
She's they type of person who wants an acknowledgment of a card.

It becomes about the giver rather than anything else.
It make you feel small and guilty and I'd rather not have gifts with that kind of price.

We always say thank you

Being reminded is rude.

Personally if we don't get a thank you or some sort of acknowledgement at some point then they don't get another present but I would never ever prompt for a thank you.

woofwoof1880 · 12/10/2020 16:02

It is really rude to ask for thanks when you give a present. It's up to the recipient to thank the gift giver when they choose to do so.

I find it laughable that many people don't even have the basic understanding of etiquette to know this. This situation rears its head time and time again on here for some reason.

OP give your MIL the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully she's just uneducated instead of trying to be malicious.

youdidask · 12/10/2020 16:15

I'm just going to say
During the height of Covid back in April -June work was so stressful that I could barely speak when I got home, I just couldn't do another thing, even thinking about dinner etc was too much.

People need to get some perspective
A grandmother who doesn't phone a grandchild with MH issues on her birthday when they know the family is going though a tough patch, sends a voucher that needs thought and time to spend and then piles on the guilt for not being thanked quick enough would be given short thrift from me.

Luddite26 · 12/10/2020 16:23

I don't understand why mil didn't ring on gd's birthday to wish her happy birthday when gd could have said thanks for the voucher grandma and that would have been it. Instead she's making a going on.

People talk about mental health awareness but actually acknowledging or understanding mental health problems is something else. I think this mil is way out of touch with her family. Sending hugs OP. You are really going through it. Stay strong.

Boysnme · 12/10/2020 16:47

@ScarletZebra

It would be nice if occasionally DIL would let me know whether she likes what I'm sending her DCs, or whether I'm wasting time and money but apparently her family don't do thank yous. [Hmm]

Are the DC you are sending gifts to just hers or is your DS their dad. If he is then blame him for being rude and not replying to you not your DIL. Her family might not do thank yous but your DS is clearly aware that his does so you should be shifting your annoyance to him. If your DS is not their dad and they are step DS then she is being rude.

phoenixrosehere · 12/10/2020 17:11

*Why are so many of you insisting on blaming the OP? It was her DH's responsibility to thank his mum for the voucher. And he was the one him mum complained to. I know he isn't well, but he was obviously well enough to speak on the phone to his mum. Or, depending on her age, he could have reminded their DD to call/text her Grandma.

The OP only knows about it because her DH told her about it.

I am surprised at the MIL's priorities, though. Her DS's condition has gone downhill and her DGD has SEN and MH issues. I would have expected her to be more concerned about their wellbeing than about being thanked for a voucher.*

Because heaven forbid the onus should be on a man to sort his side of the family.

My husband sorts his side and I sort mine. He has all their phone numbers and I may have one or two in case of an emergency (we are 4+ hours away from his parents and siblings. His side are card people and mine don’t because they prefer to do a video chat and I personally find them pointless because they end up in the recycling bin after a few days anyway unless there is a picture or heartfelt message (usually 2-3 out of many). My husband and I know this about our families. He writes out the cards for his (and his handwriting is better than mine) and I post them for him.

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/10/2020 17:17

It is rude. It would have taken you seconds to text. Stop making excuses.

mumtobabygilrl · 12/10/2020 17:19

It took you longer to type all that than it would have to send a Thankyou YABU

Mittens030869 · 12/10/2020 17:20

It would also have taken her DH/DD seconds to text? Why is it the OP's responsibility? It sounds as if she's doing everything right now.

And why is her MIL so fixated on a thank you card? She must know what's been happening.

GrandAltogether · 12/10/2020 17:20

@LovelyLovelyMe

I get she's stressed-her husband's mum is probably worried about her son as well.

Alas, the stressed point isn't holding water because if she is using that as a defence to not whip off a quick text, then why is she spending longer on Mumsnet moaning about it!

If she is not to stressed to be on here, then she is not too stressed to say thank you, which takes less time and effort.

You're misunderstanding my point. I am not talking about the OP. I am asking why any reasonably emotionally literate adult, who fully understands the level of stress over health problems her son's family is currently under, would phone up to complain about not being thanked for a child's birthday present after six days.
S00LA · 12/10/2020 17:23

[quote Boysnme]@ScarletZebra

It would be nice if occasionally DIL would let me know whether she likes what I'm sending her DCs, or whether I'm wasting time and money but apparently her family don't do thank yous. [Hmm]

Are the DC you are sending gifts to just hers or is your DS their dad. If he is then blame him for being rude and not replying to you not your DIL. Her family might not do thank yous but your DS is clearly aware that his does so you should be shifting your annoyance to him. If your DS is not their dad and they are step DS then she is being rude.[/quote]
Good post @Boysnme

Tallulah1972 · 12/10/2020 17:45

You’ve got a hell of a lot on your plate & your MIL should be understanding of that & more worried about her son’s health & her GD’s health to be snobby about a thank you. Thank her in your time, not hers.
I hope things get better for you x

blubberyboo · 12/10/2020 17:50

Encouraging your daughter to make a thank you phone call will have other benefits for her. She can chat with her gps and that in itself could boost her mental health.

ddl1 · 12/10/2020 18:06

'It took you longer to type all that than it would have to send a Thankyou YABU'

That's not the point. It's not the absolute amount of time that things take (except in very rare situations); it's the fact that extreme anxiety can interfere with organization and planning.

Nobody says 'oh, I've got no time to say thank you, I've got to post on FB/ Mumsnet'. But if you are under extreme stress, you may not organize things properly. It's not about being 'too busy'. It's about having a dh and dd with serious illnesses. I am amazed at the number of people here who seem to equate this with something like the stress of moving house, or a tough week at work. It's not. It's the sort of thing that can almost, or sometimes completely, destroy a person.

Even so, it's ideal if you remember to do things like saying thank you; but (assuming that the dh has not been hiding his illness from his mother; and that she herself does not have major problems that the OP hasn't mentioned), this is not the time for her to carp at him, or his family members, for neglects in this respect. It isn't even about not saying thank you at all; it's about being slow at it.

Original poster
Sookiestackhouse5 · 12/10/2020 18:13

Ddl1
“It isn't even about not saying thank you at all; it's about being slow at it.”
Thank you. Parole are carping one as if I never said thank to anyone in my life! I was just late in doing so ☹️

OP posts:
ddl1 · 12/10/2020 18:13

To those who consider that discovering that your dh has a progressive illness and that your child has a major mental health problem are not excuses for a lapse in promptness about matters of politeness: would you say the same about a bereavement? These things are actually very akin to a bereavement?

I am not anti-manners, and I do believe in saying thank you for gifts; but I would much rather someone showed occasional negligence in doing so, than that they were harsh with me at a time of extreme anxiety and pain.