Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 16 17 18 ··· 21 22

Original poster

MIL asking for thanks

541 replies

Sookiestackhouse5 · 10/10/2020 18:41

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

OP posts:

Choccylips · 11/10/2020 20:06

You can take half an hour to complain about her on here but not say Thank you for your daughter. Get your priorities right!

Joolsin · 11/10/2020 20:09

@Choccylips

You can take half an hour to complain about her on here but not say Thank you for your daughter. Get your priorities right!

OP's priorities are her mentally ill daughter and seriously unwell husband, not a nit-picky MIL who didn't even ring the girl on her birthday.

Mittens030869 · 11/10/2020 20:10

I've looked back through the thread and there is no mention about the DD's age, despite posters saying that she's 6 years old. Whatever her age, however, she's been through a lot with MH issues and SEN recently coming to light. And clearly her dad is also seriously unwell. Shouldn't that be the MIL's concern rather than being thanked for sending her DGD a voucher as a birthday gift??

nolovelost · 11/10/2020 20:33

You have a lot going on but only takes less than a min to send a text. I know certain people that don't bother until I ask if they've got it, really annoying! Not only a few days but 6.

SharpLily · 11/10/2020 20:44

I still don’t understand those posters who think the OP is the devil for not calling MIL while the ink is still wet on the voucher but don’t seem to take issue with the grandmother not calling her granddaughter to say happy birthday - particularly when the child has been having a hard time. Just who is being rude exactly?

MorganKitten · 11/10/2020 20:47

I have a lot of chaos and issues going on. I always thank people.

RedskyAtnight · 11/10/2020 20:48

@SharpLily

Presumably the voucher was sent with a card, which conveyed appropriate birthday wishes?

Commonwasher · 11/10/2020 21:05

Listen to @ancientgran she is both sensible and right — you cannot please everyone all of the time xx

SandyY2K · 11/10/2020 21:09

You give a gift unconditionally. Or you should. Thanks is nice, and appreciated but the giver has no right to place the burden of expectation on the recipient and to get annoyed when they don’t get the reaction they want.

It's called common courtesy. Most people understand that manners are part of everyday life and usually raise their DC to say thanks, along with other manners.

There are times It's natural to say thank you and this is one of them.

It's common sense to most people, but sadly common sense isn't always so common.

The OP obviously has a lot on her plate, but ppl trying to say you shouldn't say thank you when you receive a gift, are just wrong.

It's not about the gift being conditional on a thank you, it's just the right thing to do.

If you don't say thanks for a gift, then you probably never see the need to say thank you at all in life.

I've never heard such nonsense before 🙄

SandyY2K · 11/10/2020 21:13

@Mittens030869

Shouldn't that be the MIL's concern rather than being thanked for sending her DGD a voucher as a birthday gift??

And if she didn't send a gift...it would be "I can't believe MIL didn't send DD a card or gift after everything going on"

Boysnme · 11/10/2020 21:36

Completely agree with this. In our family we wouldn’t expect every family member to call on birthdays but we would grandparents.

Presumably the voucher was sent with a card, which conveyed appropriate birthday wishes?

How does MIL know that a handwritten thank you card is not in the post? It would not be unreasonable for a posted card to not be delivered after 6 days.

OP - when you give MIL a present do you get a thank you text that same day?

For those saying it has taken her longer to write this post, maybe the OP who sounds like she is under a lot of stress needed somewhere to vent rather than vent at her MIL over something ridiculous given her situation.

Fromthebirdsnest · 11/10/2020 21:44

I do Thank you postcards from my kids that I order with their name on and Thank you for my gift and depending on the child's age they do a scribble/picture/actual Thank you note and we post those ... However we don't send them out until around a week after as we often get late present arrivals & obviously depending on child's age we might do 2/3 sittings and I like to post it at the same time .. Maybe send out a little Thank you from your little one , and look into pre made postcards (they are VV Cheap on ebay)and some people are funny about getting thankyous .. I'm never really fussed but it is nice to show appreciation .. I'm really sorry you've had a crap few months xxx

Kidneybingo · 11/10/2020 21:46

OP I hope things get a little easier for your family, it sounds very tough. When things are tough it's very easy to forget to do things, so try not to take this to heart. It was 6 days, not 6 months, and isn't the worst thing in the world. I'm sure your DH will sort it out with his parents, as it sounds as if you need to keep everything else running at the moment.

Ancara · 11/10/2020 21:56

My mum used to be like this especially if her sister sent my child a gift. The pressure from the day after of the gift just got too much and asked her to no longer send anything

I mean if you write a card and post it, it could be anything from 3 days after the present that the card is received but I'd get hassled from the day after the present. Just couldn't deal with it after a few years.

AuntPeggy · 11/10/2020 22:05

@fairydustandpixies spectacular misuse of the word 'entitled' - nothing further from tone of 'entitlement' in any of OP's post. You do get a Mumsnet bingo point for flinging it at the OP though.

Yes god forbid a woman would not have a thank you card couriered to all present givers within 6 hours - even if she's up to her neck in DD and DH issues. In fact especially then, any indication that this might be a bit of a challenging time is clearly a sign of deep entitlement and therefore a mortal sin!

Sigh.

Nellisterr · 11/10/2020 22:34

Really sorry thing are tough for you. But we all have our difficulties, some just hide it better than others. However, saying thank you would have taken less time than logging in to Mumsnet and starting a thread. I know I would feel offended with the lack of thank yous...I have recently experienced a similar situation.

Nellisterr · 11/10/2020 22:39

@SandyY2K

It's called common courtesy. Most people understand that manners are part of everyday life and usually raise their DC to say thanks, along with other manners.

There are times It's natural to say thank you and this is one of them.

It's common sense to most people, but sadly common sense isn't always so common.

The OP obviously has a lot on her plate, but ppl trying to say you shouldn't say thank you when you receive a gift, are just wrong.

It's not about the gift being conditional on a thank you, it's just the right thing to do.

If you don't say thanks for a gift, then you probably never see the need to say thank you at all in life.

I've never heard such nonsense before 🙄

This...

Oceanwaves2018 · 11/10/2020 23:00

I feel for you OP, I truly do. What you must remember this is MN after all & most that post on here have the same mentality & too much time in their hands - FFS!!!
You have enough to deal with and in the grand scheme of things no thanks for a birthday gift after 6 days is the least of your worries. IMO it’s your MIL who is rude, she is aware of your difficulties & still has to complain.
I am in a very similar situation to yourself and it’s not about being rude. I truly get that it is absolutely the last thing on your mind when you have such MAJOR issues to deal with.
Don’t waste your time worrying about it, your MIL should know better. I’m sure a thank you would have been acceptable to any other DGM when voucher was spent by their DGD given the circumstances.
Take Care 💐

caringcarer · 11/10/2020 23:14

Teach your dd to have some manners and text her gran a thankyou for her gift voucher. It takes less than 2 mins.

Rosebel · 11/10/2020 23:16

You have a lot on but I have to say it really annoys me when people don't say thank you.
I think you should thank someone and it shouldn't take 6 days to send a text. Mind you I'm just annoyed because my teenage nephews haven't bothered to thank me for their birthday money. I'm not surprised because they never do so I'd say start getting your daughter to say thank you now and hopefully she'll keep it up when she's older.
To me someone failing to say thank you is, rude and ungrateful.
Oh and the not phoning on your daughters birthday could be because she thought she'd talk to your daughter when she rang up to say thank you.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/10/2020 23:31

I think you should thank someone and it shouldn't take 6 days to send a text

The OP was neither the recipient of the gift nor the donor's child. Why do you think she is responsible for mediating the relationship between her DH and his mother?

C8H10N4O2 · 11/10/2020 23:33

Teach your dd to have some manners and text her gran a thankyou for her gift voucher. It takes less than 2 mins.

You know this thread was posted on world mental health awareness day.

The irony (both of the date and the username)

MerlinTheWizard · 11/10/2020 23:41

Saying thank you for a gift is just polite and common courtesy, regardless of what it is. It’s a good habit to get your children into early.

I have sent many cards over the years to my nephews and I don’t even get an acknowledgment! They even expect me to call them and wish them happy birthday on the day rather than them calling me to say thank you. They are ungrateful and rude in my opinion and it does make me sad and wonder why I even bother.

I have never raised it however, like your MIL has. Your MIL may have come across rude but she is a better person than me to point out the rudeness of this to you now than just continue sending cards and gifts regardless like me. I’m sorry you have so much on your plate at the moment but you should take this as a learning lesson and move on. Apologise to MIL and explain you just had a lot going on and leave it to that. And in future, be thankful for gifts received straight away.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/10/2020 23:53

Apologise to MIL and explain you just had a lot going on and leave it to that. And in future, be thankful for gifts received straight away.

For what? The OP hasn't received a gift and the MIL has spoken to her son, the actual relative.

BritWifeinUSA · 12/10/2020 00:32

In the time it took you to log on and post about it here, your daughter could have called her grandmother and thanked her.

Flip

1 2 ··· 16 17 18 ··· 21 22