MIL asking for thanks

[Sookiestackhouse5]

It was dd’s birthday last week. She received a voucher from PIL.
6 days later my DH has a strained conversation on the phone with MIL where she points out that she hasn’t been thanked for the voucher. She started going on about her generation & so on, making it clear she thinks it’s rude to not yet have had a thank you.
Let me add some context here as well. It’s been a very difficult few months for us. Dd developed (out of the blue) a medical/ mental health issue that has taken some adjusting to, & has understandably caused some significant stress. She has gone from being completely normal to now being classed as special educational needs at school.
A month after that happened my DH was taken into hospital for urgent surgery to treat a progressive condition he has. He has recovered well & gone back to work but is unable to drive at present so I am chauffeuring him about, as well as the dcs and working myself. Plus I’m worrying about the progression of his condition which is happening faster than we anticipated.
We both work quite stressful jobs.
What I’m saying here is that we feel like we have a lot on our plate, & are juggling a lot a balls.

I’m annoyed that after only 6 days we are being told off for not giving thanks yet. It’s not that I’m not grateful, just with everything else going on we hadn’t gotten round to her spending the voucher & saying thank you.
AIBU to be so annoyed??

My Mum had a go at me about my husband not thanking her quickly enough for some money in his birthday card. The words she used in a sarcastic tone were “and I suppose I won’t get a thank you from #### for his card and money”.
I totally lost it with her as he always says thank you but not necessarily on his birthday. She hasn’t done it again!

@Boysnme, @S00LA

If you will read my post properly you will see that I said:

"I don't expect grovelling thanks but just a quick text from DS that he's got it."

DIL is the one who decides what the DC are going to wear, so is the person I'd like to hear from - at any time, not immediately - if she likes what I'm sending. If she doesn't then the DC won't wear them.

DS says yes yes it's lovely, but I never ever hear from DIL. She might be thinking she wishes I'd stop sending stuff that isn't her taste, but I'll never know.

@CallmeAngelina

"Until this thread I did not believe so many people would put so much store by manners and so little by compassion."

It's not a binary choice, you know.

It seems to be on this thread. The posters that are most concerned with manners are also the nastiest to an OP who is clearly struggling with crushing life events. I'd rather be a decent human being than a well-mannered one, based on the responses on this thread.

@ScarletZebra

I read your post. You had a dig at the fact that your DILs family don’t do thank you’s. You are also getting the response you want (that the things you send are lovely) from DS so don’t make an issue out of your DIL not doing something that your DS is perfectly capable of doing, and is doing.

Well, I asked a question earlier on that I haven't seen the answer to, which was, what is the usual custom for acknowledging gifts? If the OP always does it because, you know, wife-work, then whilst many of us might bristle at that, it's a bit unreasonable to blame her dh when it's not on his usual to-do list. (although it wouldn't hurt for him to have said another thanks whilst on the call with his own mother).

It seems to be on this thread. The posters that are most concerned with manners are also the nastiest to an OP who is clearly struggling with crushing life events. I'd rather be a decent human being than a well-mannered one, based on the responses on this thread.

^This with bells on. There's been a real lack of compassion on this thread, which I find really sad. Kicking someone when they're down really isn't kind at all.

Boysnme, I'm not sure it's as straightforward as that. If you've put time and thought and effort into choosing a gift for someone (and I'm not counting a gift voucher in that!), part of the pleasure in handing it over is to know what they think of it. I would presume that if it's for a child, then you also would like to know from the parent (whose opinion you value) that they liked it too. If you have a situation where a bloke (and let's face it, it's often the bloke) is barely aware and just says, "oh yeah, it was great, thanks" then I can understand the disappointment, which might then come across as churlish.
But I'm drifting off. It doesn't sound as though that's the situation here with a gift token.

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if it’s moved on! when I was little I was brought up to write thank you notes to everyone who gave me a gift. It could take a week to get there. We were so grateful for even the smallest present. In today’s world Of technology it takes 2 minutes to send a text thanking people. Maybe that’s why they were so quick to jump on you. They had the expectation of a faster response. If you haven’t already, just send a quick thank you text and say you’ll phone them for a chat when you get a bit more time. I would understand the meaning and would be more than happy with that.

Ok so whilst I would normally say it takes a minute to send a text, I would also be asking why your dh couldn't send said text while you drive him to work or whatever. And the ILs really need to understand that life sometimes gets in the way, they should try supporting people not niggling at them. I doubt she was always perfect, we are all human.

Also my MIL did the same last week about my birthday present. We are in a very rubbish patch, I had major cancer surgery 4 weeks ago, we lost my Mum 5 days later and it was the day of her funeral (4 days after my birthday) on which I received a pointed message. My birthday went past very subdued and I really hadn't had the head space to speak to her in the 4 days between. At best she is a vile person, at worst she reminded me that our youngest only has one grandmother now so we better make the most of it...... she got her thank you, along with a reminder that I was burying my mother so would be unable to reply further.

Apologise, thank them and move on. Remember for future reference that gratitude must be displayed on receipt. Less sincere but at least you won't get moaned at

wow minx what a cow!

I'm sure some posters here will say that you had plenty of time to send her a card anyway..

@FOJN nails it - you found the time to post on here but you couldn’t send a message that would take 30 seconds. As a SEN mother who has a lot more to deal with than you I say again grow up and take responsibility.

To be honest, I'm wondering how many people you had to thank? If there were loads I can understand why you didn't get round to it straight away with your hectic life. However, if there was only a few and you couldn't even send a text, then I'm afraid YABU.

I think MIL should have cut you some slack and let it go.

Still no reply from those going on about manners. How come the MIL would complain to her DS about the lack of a thank you text when she knows what he's coping with and her DGD too?? Please get off your high horses and answer that question.

@blubberyboo

Encouraging your daughter to make a thank you phone call will have other benefits for her. She can chat with her gps and that in itself could boost her mental health.

Really? It doesn’t sound like it in this case.

So many perfect people on this thread...

Winniestone37- of all the posts on here.... how on earth would you know??? How on earth would you know what I have to deal with?
I will repeat again- it wasn’t that I Couldn’t be bothered to send the message, I just didn’t do it quick enough!
This post was started after the event, I didn’t write the post instead of thanking her.

Minxmumma- so so sorry to hear what you have been through, you have my sympathy. I really hope your health improves xxxx

You lot sound like some of the people I need to work with. "But, but, it will only take 10 minutes!'
Yes it might, but your 10 minute task is priority number 2034 on my to do list, OK?

Op I hope you ignore the really awful posts here kicking you. I really do.
Threads like this make me feel ashamed of mn. All they had to say was, yes op, I feel you should have replied and thanked her.

Some people are really getting their kicks here and it's not really in the spirit of a supportive site imo.

The navigator, Yy, I'd rather be compassionate and kind and send gifts to brighten peoples day without rabidly waiting for my thank you. I'd rather be a kind human who can empathise with people.

I would not worry about it. If MIL knows what your Husband her Son is going through and her Grand daughter, then in my mind she should not have even had the conversation. My Parents, Grand parents always make contact on birthdays. That is when generally they are thanked and we do the same in return as it is nice to get a birthday phone call. I think this is an "it's all about me" phone call that has been made by her, which in my head is S* timing on her part. My thoughts are with you at this horrendous time x

I just can't get my head round a gran sending a gift and expecting a thankyou.. you send to spread joy not to have your feet kissed.

Sounds like MIL was a bit annoying about this - she could have waited more than 6 days too, as children often write and send thankyou letters, which clearly takes longer than a text. I do however sometimes wish my DM would say something when she constantly gets no acknowledgement of gifts from (now adult) grandchildren. It is so important to some people (most people?) to feel that a gesture was received with gratitude.

@Mothership4two

I tend to find it slightly ridiculous to make children send thank you messages for all their Christmas/birthday gifts nowadays.

This will simply make them unappreciative as they grow up.

If you can't and don't teach your children basic manners like thanking for a gift, then some very logic is lacking.

This may well be as a result of your own upbringing....and the cycle will continue through generations.

However, my family ensure that a card and a gift is given on or before a birthday whereas dh's side can give theirs days or weeks later. This took me some getting used to as I thought it was extremely rude.

My word...the irony here.

It's perfectly fine not to say thank you for a gift, but sending a gift late is rude? I'm astounded.

Would you not teach your children to thank for a gift handed to them? Or is it only when a gift is sent that you think it's ridiculous to say thank you.

Thank you is a sign of appreciation in every part of the world.
You can't be serious.

A maiden aunt once threatened to disinherit my cousin for forgetting to write a thankyou note! He never forgot again. I understand your life is hellishly busy and a nightmare. To older relatives, however, that doesn't matter. They still appreciate some form of manners, even if your dd just messaged her quickly

You still say thank you!