Group chat - scan pic *trigger warning*

[Suneggs]

Person A has suffered miscarriages in the past (one this year). They posted on social media about baby loss awareness week and this post was liked by Person B who commented that they were thinking of them.

However, Person B then (within an hour of liking the post!) posted a photo of their baby scan in the group chat which has upset Person A

Points of note are that it was a private scan and not one done for medical reasons so not announcing the pregnancy or anything. I agree with Person A and think it was very insensitive however other family members disagree.

Who is BU?

No, it's about this novel idea of thinking about other people as well as yourself, a wild concept I know.

Except the pregnant woman right? You don't have to think about her and how it must feel for her having to tiptoe around lest she upset someone by her mere presence. I've had multiple miscarriages, I'm not unsympathetic but I'm also grown up to realise that my miscarriages are my own. Other people having babies won't change any outcome for me so there is no point in taking out your hurt on others.

so maybe not mentioning baby dying to a pregnant woman? Just a thought...

Oh give over. Would you tell someone not to post about cancer awareness?

Baby loss should be spoken about more often than it is because it's extremely common and can be extremely isolating precisely because people don't want to talk about it.

Incidentally, I've done both - I've been the person who found other people's pregnancies (including my SIL's) hard after recurrent miscarriage, and I also had the experience of a very close friend just never acknowledging my pregnancy and distancing herself from me during it because she had two failed IVF rounds during my pregnancy. I find it hard to believe that anyone else who has done both would think it's harder to be the pregnant woman, and I can honestly say that while I was sad that my friend was distant - I missed her - I never felt irritation or indignation or whatever it is that other people feel when they go on about how appalling it is that their friend isn't happy about their pregnancy.

I'm confused. OP what do you want to get out of this thread?
It doesn't read like a rant so it's not that.
You say you can see B's side but you're still dead set on her being in the wrong. So what do you want to achieve other than drum up more people against her?

Except the pregnant woman right? You don't have to think about her and how it must feel for her having to tiptoe around lest she upset someone by her mere presence

It doesn't take a genius to understand why sending a scan photo DIRECTLY to someone who's just shared about their loss might be upsetting. There are plenty of other people who would be willing to share in your joy and celebrate with you when you are pregnant.

Please explain why you'd prefer to force the one person you know it would hurt to join in? Are you that selfish?

I find it hard to believe that anyone else who has done both would think it's harder to be the pregnant woman

Exactly.

I'm so sorry that you don't get to share your joyful news with one person because they are grieving and instead have to make do with the 10s and even 100s of others who'll likely congratulate you during the next 9 months. How awful for you. It's definitely on the same level as losing your baby, you're right.

Except the pregnant woman right? You don't have to think about her and how it must feel for her having to tiptoe around lest she upset someone by her mere presence. I've had multiple miscarriages, I'm not unsympathetic but I'm also grown up to realise that my miscarriages are my own. Other people having babies won't change any outcome for me so there is no point in taking out your hurt on others.

It's nothing to do with tip-toeing around, person B had their scan days before, and decided to send it to just person A and one other person (meaning it would take the same amount of effort to just send it to OP) a few hours after liking a post saying thinking of you in regards to As lost. That's stomping around with like a bull in a glass shop, and there was no need for it. It wasn't like person B was posting about a scan they had just had and hadn't had a chance to send previously (although people don't need to see the scan, they at most just want to know everything is okay), or that they just happened to be somewhere A was or mention something to do with pregnancy that wasn't hours after posting that comment. Sorry if your friends and family had no consideration for you, but a lot of people have really low standards on how to treat others. Fucking gross.

@PicturePerfectSortOf

so maybe not mentioning baby dying to a pregnant woman? Just a thought...

Oh give over. Would you tell someone not to post about cancer awareness?

Baby loss should be spoken about more often than it is because it's extremely common and can be extremely isolating precisely because people don't want to talk about it.

now THAT is disgustingly insensitive.

Ignoring how worried and anxious a pregnant mother can be, willingly ignoring it because you want to talk about something. Indeed, miscarriages and still births are so common that many pregnant women don't need a reminder.

So don't come and lecture others about posting about their own pregnancy and happy photos.

so maybe not mentioning baby dying to a pregnant woman? Just a thought...

I'm pregnant right now actually and I'm really surprised that anyone would think this.

Honestly seeing the posts on my social media about pregnancy loss awareness has made me so fucking grateful to be in the position I am. I wouldn't dream of being offended because someone had 'mentioned a dying baby to a pregnant woman', I'd thank the fucking lord that my baby is okay right now and have nothing but sympathy for the person not lucky enough to be in my position.

@PicturePerfectSortOf

So instead B should just shut up about her pregnancy and pretend it’s not happening because A posted something about a made up week on Facebook

Where. Are. You. Getting. This. From.

No one is suggesting you hide indoors for 9 months not to upset anyone who's possibly suffered a miscarriage. But just maybe don't send a person you know full well has, and has shared that very day, a direct message with your scan photo.

Why are your dramatising a very basic idea and turning it into a big flounce about having to hide your pregnancy from everyone and never mention it.

not everyone, just the person who has reacted so negatively about the scan. What else are you supposed to do?🤷

@ZezetteEpouseX person A posted about it on her own social media account, and not in any sort of direct message to person B. If person B had put their scan on their social media that is different than sending it directly to someone after acknowledging they were thinking of them a few hours before.

Person B is an inconsiderate selfish person, really inconsiderate.

@PicturePerfectSortOf

so maybe not mentioning baby dying to a pregnant woman? Just a thought...

I'm pregnant right now actually and I'm really surprised that anyone would think this.

Honestly seeing the posts on my social media about pregnancy loss awareness has made me so fucking grateful to be in the position I am. I wouldn't dream of being offended because someone had 'mentioned a dying baby to a pregnant woman', I'd thank the fucking lord that my baby is okay right now and have nothing but sympathy for the person not lucky enough to be in my position.

you are fine with it, I am fine with photos of scans and happy friends, so we are all different right?

Reminders about the risks of pregnancy didn't make me feel grateful, it made me anxious to say the least. I wouldn't have dreamt of policing what others were posting or discussing though.

But now you know how upsetting it is to hear about that, would you encourage others to stop discussing it? Of course you won't, and why should you.

Ignoring how worried and anxious a pregnant mother can be, willingly ignoring it because you want to talk about something. Indeed, miscarriages and still births are so common that many pregnant women don't need a reminder

I'm pregnant right now. I don't think that means other people can't share their grief and talk about a subject which is notoriously lonely because it's a taboo.

It's hilariously ironic that you're annoyed because someone might not want to see a scan photo after suffering a miscarriage but it's disgustingly insensitive to post about pregnancy loss because there might be some pregnant women scrolling through FB.

[quote Scaraffito]@ZezetteEpouseX person A posted about it on her own social media account, and not in any sort of direct message to person B. If person B had put their scan on their social media that is different than sending it directly to someone after acknowledging they were thinking of them a few hours before.[/quote]
this is why I would strongly encourage B to never mention anything pregnancy or baby related to A!

Problem solved. (except it won't and we all know that but what can you do)

If A had sent B a direct message with miscarriage statistics you might have a point. But she didn't. She shared a post on her general SM page on the awareness week for said subject.

I wouldn't have a problem if B posted a scan on her general page. Sending it to A directly is the problem.

PicturePerfectSortOf

I am only annoyed at you for your ridiculous comparison with cancer awareness.

Indeed people can share their grief
at the same time people can share their joy

You can't shut one up but encourage the others, when either can trigger somebody's pain. That's the point.

So sad that women are such c*nts to other women about miscarriage and baby loss, it’s actually embarrassing. We want respect but can’t even be bothered to show empathy for each other. It’s just awful.

It’s was massively insensitive, FFS it’s baby loss awareness week. Even if it happened in January this week has probably opened up an old wound. There’s a probably a plethora of people she could have shared the scan pic and got excited with.

A put up a generic Facebook post about baby loss week. B shared the photo in a private family chat. If B had put it on A's shared post, that would have been very insensitive. it doesn't sound like it was malicious, and on two different forums.

For Christ’s sake I’ve heard it all now @ZezetteEpouseX - you are not a good person.

@Chuggington2

For Christ’s sake I’ve heard it all now *@ZezetteEpouseX* - you are not a good person.

ahem... ok?!?

[quote Suneggs]@Gobbycop I don’t think A would have expected B to suppress her joy. It just seemed very odd timing and obviously A didn’t know what the photo was going to be until she opened the chat.

But also understand what others have put and that maybe B just got carried away.[/quote]
Person A should put an angry face against Person BS Facebook comment. No one will notice as she’s not commenting back directly and people might think she’s just hit the wrong button but at least she’ll know she didn’t. Very insensitive of Person B

I still think that neither and both of them are unreasonable.

I do think that it is incredibly weird to notice when X person "likes" my fb post and then measures the time they took to do something that i don't like. That is really weird.

@ZezetteEpouseX

PicturePerfectSortOf

I am only annoyed at you for your ridiculous comparison with cancer awareness.

Indeed people can share their grief
at the same time people can share their joy

You can't shut one up but encourage the others, when either can trigger somebody's pain. That's the point.

In what way is it a ridiculous comparison? I'm not saying cancer and pregnancy loss are the same. But you can't say it's wrong to raise awareness about one thing but not another.

Breast cancer runs in my family, I'm worried and anxious it might happen to me. Shall I take offence when people post about breast cancer awareness?

@Looking4wards Firstly, to get other people’s opinions and therefore work out whether I was odd to empathise with A. And then to try and understand why B did it.

I care about them both. I am not overly close with either but get on well enough and want the best for them. PIL have obviously sided with B but I wanted an outside opinion.