AIBU to not understand getting marrying years after having kids and living together

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What I really mean here is please help me understand. I just have never been exposed to this in real life. However I keep coming across such threads on mumsnet.

What I don't understand is - surely raising your child(ren) together is the ultimate commitment. So for people who marry say five years after having two children - does it nevertheless signify a new step in the relationship? Or is it merely a delayed celebration of the fact that you are already de facto married?

Among my friends those to whom being married mattered for whatever reason married before having kids, or after falling pregnant or having their first child. I have a few friends to whom being married never seemed to matter so they live together for years without. So I have no one to ask in everyday life.

[quote Fressia123]@catspyjamas123 that's why the Spanish speaking system is great. All babies get both surnames (and at least in my birth country) taking a married name is not legally allowed.[/quote]
How does this work in practice? If a baby has both surnames of parents and then as an adult has a child, how do you choose as surely the amount of surnames a person has would grow exponentially?

No, I don't believe in staying together for the sake of the children. There are good reasons to divorce; I'm divorced myself. Many divorced fathers move on, and rarely visit or contact their children. Sometimes, this is for the best; often, it's not.

@Ericaequites My ex-husband has our kids exactly 50/50. They are now 10 and 13 and this has been the (court enforced) arrangement since they were just 3 and 6. The damage it has done to us all is horrendous.

YANBU. I've always thought that rather odd too, OP. Many people seem to do things back to front nowadays!
When I got married, in the 1970s, the vast majority of people got married first, then moved in together, then had children. Nowadays it's more the norm to move in together before getting married, though I think most people who intend to marry still do so before starting a family.

OH wants to get married (after 7 years and a DS) and I have repeatedly said no.

I am protecting my children by NOT getting married.

If I got married I would have to formally exclude my spouse in my Will and even then this could be challenged in court after my death.

It's easier not to get married - at least then I know my children are entitled to everything.

Marriage isn't just a vehicle for having/raising children. It's a commitment between two people, a statement of how they feel about each other. Or it should be.

I use to worry about this issue regarding my daughter, ie the legal and financial stuff, She has been with her partner for about 17 years now, they have two young sons,my grandsons. I have never asked my daughter or her lovely partner why they don't marry,or if they ever intend to. I prefer to leave them with their own thoughts on their lives.

I know what it's like, to go through a divorce though,

No @Mumsn0t that's not the case as one is dropped in every new generation.

So say my mum was Maria Álvarez Sánchez and my father Pedro Martinez Gonzalez. That would make me Gabriela Martinez Alvarez.

If I marry Juan Sanchez Ramirez, our child would be Luis Sánchez Martínez.

@emilyfrost lay off blaming women for the actions of men.

I was with ex for over 10 years and married 7 when we had dd, absolutely NO indication of how he'd behave post split in all that time. While we were still together he was an involved and engaged parent.

Almost immediately after split he couldn't care less and within a few months was the epitome of "deadbeat dad"

Put the blame where it belongs!

With the shitty fathers!

"Surely raising your child(ren) together is the ultimate commitment"

Commitment to what and to whom? Tell that to the millions of single mothers with exes who don't pay their way properly for their own kids or some who don;t even see them!! On top of that they could fulfill their obligations to the kids, but have absolutely nothing to do with you as the children's mother. I never understand how people just senselessly parrot the bolded sentence above when it's abundantly clear through the ages that that has NEVER been the case.

It's similar to people saying we have a house together etc. etc. Umm no, you just have a legal commitment to your mortgage lender, not to your live in boyfriend/girlfriend

@LilyWater I agree. But it is true that having a child with someone ties you in with them for life. You can of course get divorced but if you have kids together you've still got that connection. Without kids you can walk away totally.

Having kids with my ex-husband means ultimately he will never be fully out of my life. Even when the kids are adults he'll still be around in some way or another.

With kids you can walk away totally too, let's not delude ourselves. Plenty of fathers parents do. And unlike a marriage, they don't have to go through a legal process to do it and aren't prevented from having another child until you've done that.

@CrappleUmble I wish for the sake of my kids he had gone! Marriage tied me to him for life and that's entirely regrettable.

Got pregnant by accident so wouldn't have had time to plan a wedding really...got married when dd was 3 because our mortgage advisor said legally it would be a good thing to do - not very romantic but we do quite like each other😂and we had a fab wedding so win, win!

And actually, mums can also walk away totally too, it's just that they choose not to. And don't for one second think I'm saying that's a bad thing. It's admirable. But to say a parent can't leave because she's in essence female as opposed to male is incorrect.
My mum was raised solely by her dad in the 70's when her mother all of a sudden got up one day and left five children. She was having an affair. In those days there wasn't maintenance or anything like that so my grandad worked three separate jobs around the kids and managed entirely alone.
My mum was super close to grandad until the day he died, she never sees her mum although she is still alive (now with dementia and in a care home). My mum says she was her mother but never a mum. I don't blame my mum for feeling like that.
I remember when Grandad was in his late 80's and I went to tell him that I was getting divorced - I was so worried he'd say I'd let the kids down or something. I'll always remember his reaction. His reply was "Good for you for being strong. I wouldn't want a grandchild of mine for one second to feel they had to be controlled and hurt by anyone, man or woman."
He passed away about five years ago but was my hero. I hope I make him proud.

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@CrappleUmble I wish for the sake of my kids he had gone! Marriage tied me to him for life and that's entirely regrettable.[/quote]
I can see why you do!

@LilyWater absolutely right! I keep saying that too. Marriage is the only legal commitment to a partner you can have, having children, buying a house together, building a business together ultimately can be walked away from if someone so wishes, without any real consequences.

@Nicknamegoeshere many many parents - mostly fathers - DO just walk away from their kids without a backwards glance. Mums I'm not sure are less likely purely as they don't want to, there's a lot more criticism for mums who do than there is for dads

Got pregnant by accident so wouldn't have had time to plan a wedding really how much time do you think is needed? Legally the minimum in England, Wales and Scotland is 29 days, in Northern Ireland 28 days.

How do you think people did "shotgun weddings" in the past?

They cracked on and did the best they could.

My mother and both grans were pregnant on their wedding days. All working class and in fact pretty poor! Chapel jobs all, receptions a case of everyone in the families mucking in and held at parents homes.

A fancy expensive wedding is not a necessity

@Graphista It's simply a fallacy to believe that marriage before kids is always beneficial. It certainly wasn't for me. Or my children.

Nothing is always beneficial for everyone but generally speaking I think marriage before kids is for most women

In Scotland, unless you're married, any children would have more rights to the estate than the spouse whatever the will said

If married then the spouse also has legal rights.

It's not possible to completely disinherit either spouse or offspring from a certain proportion of the "moveable estate" (ie everything except house/land).

Pressed "post" too quickly.

As a result I know a couple who got married purely because the kids of one of them didn't like the new partner so if/when their parent died, would have taken great pleasure in asserting their "legal rights" over the estate.

Can't remember the exact proportions of what constitutes "legal rights" but I think it's something like: if married, a third (of the moveable estate) to the spouse, a third to be divided equally amongst the offspring and the demising third as per will; if not married or spouse already deceased, then the legal rights are 50% of the moveable estate to be divided equally amongst the offspring and the remaining 50% as per will.

Ah well! It's all good! I have a fiancé and a kid, but no property between us!!

Ermmm..... wills/ pensions/ basically everything that will protect you legally in later life.

Will and pensions can be easily drafted with the lack of a marriage certificate

Depends on the pension. Everyone should check.