AIBU to not understand getting marrying years after having kids and living together

[Lcats]

What I really mean here is please help me understand. I just have never been exposed to this in real life. However I keep coming across such threads on mumsnet.

What I don't understand is - surely raising your child(ren) together is the ultimate commitment. So for people who marry say five years after having two children - does it nevertheless signify a new step in the relationship? Or is it merely a delayed celebration of the fact that you are already de facto married?

Among my friends those to whom being married mattered for whatever reason married before having kids, or after falling pregnant or having their first child. I have a few friends to whom being married never seemed to matter so they live together for years without. So I have no one to ask in everyday life.

@catspyjamas123 Agree wholeheartedly. Marriage ruined my life and continues to do so. I wish I'd never have done it and I don't really fancy taking the risk again! I wish of known how much it would have cost me, mostly on an emotional level but also financially too.

Don't tell my partner though as he's keen, especially now we have a baby together!!!

*I'd have

Marriage doesn't exist in a vacuum, of course not. There is a long history and a great deal of cultural bullshit surrounding it. If I had a magic wand, there'd be some mechanism to make sure people understood the potential implications of what they're getting into as soon as they marry, enter a CP or start cohabiting. I admit it would be pretty difficult with the last one... but still would stop a lot of heartache.

YANBU for not understanding, but YABU for judging other people for getting married.

Do you really not see it from a legal perspective? For example if my partner died now, his son would get everything, and while I wouldn't begrudge him inheritance, at the same time I've put thousands into this property (which I am aware is risky when it doesn't belong to me - but we always planned to get married, it's been delayed thanks to the shit show of 2020 though). His son would walk away with not only his dad's money but also my home.

I know that's down to us to sort the legal side out, and we will, he needs to marry me and then provide for his son in his will (maybe I get the house - which his son will always has a place in, even if his dad isn't here - and then he gets the money or something which is worth more than the house anyway).

What I am a little confused by is when a relative, who has three dcs, was so excited when her bf (and df to all the dcs) proposed . She said she was “thrilled” .

I’m a bit with the OP in that surely the bf had already made his bed and should be lying on it. To be “thrilled” that someone is ready to make a commitment to you after three children sounds pretty odd. If the couple had 50/50 decided to marry for practical or romantic reasons, then fine, but to be waiting for the bloke to decide he is “ready” makes me think we should have a return to shotgun weddings, with the girl’s father hauling the man up the aisle by the collar.

@Ericaequites you actually wrote that!? Bastard. You are living way back in the past. Marriage does not benefit women and children any more. No shame in being unmarried. Wish I’d never wed.

I think your post is pretty inappropriate erica...

@Ericaequites

It's best to marry before the first child is born. My mother was a bastard in a very small town more than eighty years ago. It was a terrible disgrace, and that's not entirely bad. Having a large wedding, especially in white, after children are born is inappropriate.

What year have I woken up in?

@Ericaequites Rather my kids are "bastards" than have married a bastard for a father

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@Ericaequites Rather my kids are "bastards" than have married a bastard for a father [/quote]
But you’re perfectly okay with your choice of having a bastard father your children, are you?

I'm so glad I didn't get married. I would be much worse off if I had.

@emilyfrost Definitely not - I divorced him!!!

@emilyfrost No - I divorced him years ago!

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@emilyfrost Definitely not - I divorced him!!! [/quote]
Marriage is really irrelevant in this context. If you’ve chosen poorly for the father of your children it doesn’t matter if you’re married or not, they’re suffering either way.

@emilyfrost Actually the fact that I was tied into marriage with their father made it much harder for my kids in many ways and continues to be the case seven years on. We started off with contested divorce, then custody battles, financial control...the list goes on.

@emilyfrost the bastards don’t show their true colours at the beginning or people would never get into a relationship with them.

Well I’m one of the people your alluding to do I’ll try to explain our reasons. We got married after 20 years together and 4 DC!

We were and are very happy together and being married hasn’t changed anything. So why did we get married? Mainly for the legalities and the DC wanted me to have the same last name as them. We had a very small ceremony with just our DCs and 2 witnesses then went on a special family holiday, we then went on another family holiday a few months later which we couldn’t have done if we had of had a big wedding.

I’m happy with our decision loved having our DCs at our wedding so that’s all that matters really.

[quote catspyjamas123]@emilyfrost the bastards don’t show their true colours at the beginning or people would never get into a relationship with them.[/quote]
So don’t jump into having kids so soon then

In the States, marriage does benefit women and children. It provides legal protection, court orders for child support, and Social Security benefits if a husband and father passes, as well as many other advantages.
Married parents are far less likely to have children living in poverty. Stability is good for children, and provides a good example. It would be a pity if marriage became a luxury good.
One of the great social problems of our day is boys growing up without a father in the home. Boys with fathers have better mental health, better grades, and are less likely to commit crimes.
Yes, I am very old fashioned. Why not give your children all possible advantages?

When my friends husband died (about 6 years ago now and things might have changed) but she got a windows allowance for quite a while. If they hadn’t been married she wouldn’t have received anything

No, it hasn't changed. Well the allowances are less generous but they still are only available to bereaved spouses, not an unmarried partner. That policy is supposed to change after the McLaughlin decision but it hasn't happened yet. We all know how much this government loves the Supreme Court telling them they're in the wrong...

My household is more stable without my ex-husband here. My mostly-grown children are happier, their grades are good and they know I will always stand by them. I certainly didn’t rush into having kids but the man I thought was devoted to his family turned out to be a bastard - in the real sense of the word. His parents were actually married.

I used to believe all the guff about stability from marriage. Not any more. Not now I have been fleeced by the divorce laws.

I really wonder what it’s all about. We are conditioned to want to settle down with a relationship but now I just think yuck no thanks. I won’t be shackled to anyone again. Never!!

@Ericaequites I can guarantee you that my sons would have significantly worse MH had I stayed married to their dad. They would have been without their mother for a start.

Are you a believer in staying together for "the sake of the kids" regardless?

@Ericaequites And just because I am divorced does not mean the boys no longer have a father!!