Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not understand getting marrying years after having kids and living together

380 replies

Lcats · 09/10/2020 17:47

What I really mean here is please help me understand. I just have never been exposed to this in real life. However I keep coming across such threads on mumsnet.

What I don't understand is - surely raising your child(ren) together is the ultimate commitment. So for people who marry say five years after having two children - does it nevertheless signify a new step in the relationship? Or is it merely a delayed celebration of the fact that you are already de facto married?

Among my friends those to whom being married mattered for whatever reason married before having kids, or after falling pregnant or having their first child. I have a few friends to whom being married never seemed to matter so they live together for years without. So I have no one to ask in everyday life.

OP posts:
HandfulofDust · 10/10/2020 09:34

@thebabewiththepower

I don't know your particular financial details but in my case it would affect death in service and inheritence tax and the availability of my husband's pension. Even though I can support my family financially on my own if my children had just lost their father I'd much rather have some time off work. It might also impact next of kin rights if he was ill.

LeanishMachine · 10/10/2020 09:35

@thebabewiththepower the children and their guardianship are protected in the event of either of your deaths.

No one knows what will happen in the future. You may be the higher earner now but what if you were ill long term or his circumstances changed?

CakeRequired · 10/10/2020 09:36

@Nicknamegoeshere

I was married to my evil ex-husband before we had two kids together. It made things far worse being married to him - gave him much more control than had we not been married. But then that was mostly to do with the fact that he was/is a controlling narcissist! Still, marriage made things worse in my case.

Oh I know it makes it worse in some people's cases. But my partner is not controlling or a narcissist, and I know he has little knowledge on anything like this. He'd have to get his mum to help him, and if his plan was to try and screw me and our children out of money, I'm pretty sure even his own mother wouldn't help him. She's not that type of person, she'd shout at him and march him to the bank to set up a direct debit to me. Marriage just gives me the legal protection I need for me and any children we have, if he decided to bugger off. It's highly unlikely though, but you never know, hence the protection.

seayork2020 · 10/10/2020 09:38

We met and married after 2 & half years then ds was born 5 years after that, to me i just thought marriage then kids.

No religious/legal thought behind it just logical to me i guess

Passthecake30 · 10/10/2020 09:38

I’ve been with dp for 27 years, had kids for 12. We both earn the same, I worked full time when the kids were small. We own the house jointly. We’ve written wills. It would seem strange to get married, but I think one day, when our parents aren’t around to want a say in it, we will seal the deal on holiday with our kids.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 10/10/2020 09:42

I believe in marriage as a commitment , I don't necessarily agree that emotionally or morally it's a bigger commitment than DC. It's one option and legally in a lot of cases it offers protection.

I have been married and divorced and with DP it is likely later in our lives we will choose to get married. He would marry today but honestly I've been burnt and I am personally questioning the concept of marriage for me. I am simply not taking it lightly. I have demonstrated commitment in my own way and it works for us.

The comments I saw on this thread claiming the only true commitment is marriage , anything else is waiting for something better honestly is the sorr of thing that worries me. Marriage is as much or as little of a commitment as you make it and it works me people feel it's some sort of bulletproof jacket , that the relationship is "real" if you are married.

Well I have been married and now I'm cohabiting and I can guarantee that my DP is more of a true partnership and committed relationship than my marriage was.

So we will likely have been together for years on end when we marry.

CrappleUmble · 10/10/2020 09:45

Marriage is a lesser commitment than having children in that the commitment to the children is (or should be!) more significant than any contract. But purely in terms of the relationship with a partner, marriage is a greater commitment to that person than having DC with them because the latter doesn't inherently involve any commitment at all.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/10/2020 09:45

I wanted to have the day with family and friends.
I wanted to wear a wedding dress.
I wanted to be with my DH forever.
I wanted the legal and financial security/clarity.
Several years on I'm most glad for the last reason. Still love my DH but my career and pension are screwed, who knows what'll happen in the long term?
Marriage offers security.

CounsellorTroi · 10/10/2020 09:56

Well I have been married and now I'm cohabiting and I can guarantee that my DP is more of a true partnership and committed relationship than my marriage was.

Surely that’s just your marriage though not marriage in general.

DH and I got engaged after three months of dating (though I knew him socially before that, not like I’d met him OLD, this was 30 years ago) and got married a year after that. We wanted to spend the rest of our lives together as husband and wife.

Autumngoldleaf · 10/10/2020 09:57

It's interesting that celebs say they hate marriage like Johnny Depp and v paradise... Why didn't they feel the need to marry and yet both have gone on to marry other people!

Shinyletsbebadguys · 10/10/2020 10:01

@CounsellorTroi

Well I have been married and now I'm cohabiting and I can guarantee that my DP is more of a true partnership and committed relationship than my marriage was.

Surely that’s just your marriage though not marriage in general.

DH and I got engaged after three months of dating (though I knew him socially before that, not like I’d met him OLD, this was 30 years ago) and got married a year after that. We wanted to spend the rest of our lives together as husband and wife.

That was rather my point, marriage is an important commitment but it doesn't guarantee a successful relationship.

I could say the same for you , it's great that it worked out for you but there are multitudes of couples it didn't go that way. Yours did , but surely that's because it was your particular relationship that worked not automatically the marriage.

A relationship is not necessarily worse or better by being married.

I find your response a tad odd though, are you honestly surprised that marriage won't automatically future proof a relationship?

user1471462428 · 10/10/2020 10:09

Some of my friends recently got married jean and T-shirt’s. Kids brought their respective spouses and were bemused by their hippyish parents actually settling down. Unbeknownst to all of us he was dying and wanted to insure she was financially secure. They didn’t expect it to be romantic but she recently told me it was the best day of her life.

CounsellorTroi · 10/10/2020 10:12

I find your response a tad odd though, are you honestly surprised that marriage won't automatically future proof a relationship?

No I’m not, but cohabiting prior to marriage does not necessarily future proof it either. It often turns out to be much more than a piece of paper.

Mystraightenersarebroken · 10/10/2020 10:14

It's fine saying you'll do it in a few years or when you're older but that day doesn't come for everyone - people die unexpectedly every day.

Aragog · 10/10/2020 10:22

DH is a solicitor and wills, probate and private client stuff is his expertise. He often advises clients in this position to marry. It's a more secure way to ensure things go smoothly both legally and financially if one, or both of you, die.

It's often less expensive than setting up the legal documents and it makes you more eligible for government support and benefits in some situations.

A wedding doesn't have to be a big affair costing lots - some of his clients literally just do the legal ceremony and that's it, as that aspect isn't important to them or their relationship.

movingonup20 · 10/10/2020 10:29

Practical legal reasons eg inheritance. Or maybe they just wanted to

CrappleUmble · 10/10/2020 10:31

@Mystraightenersarebroken

It's fine saying you'll do it in a few years or when you're older but that day doesn't come for everyone - people die unexpectedly every day.
Yes I think this can be a significant issue: sleepwalked long-term cohabitation. People in that position are often less protected than those who've made an active choice not to get married ever, so have tailored their situation and plans accordingly. Basically, if you know you never want to get married at all, then sorting out wills, checking pension nominations etc has more urgency than it does if you will get married at some point but not sure when yet.
hettie555 · 10/10/2020 10:40

Marriage means you legally are joined - this has so many advantages to a family.
(Stayed in this thread).
Unfortunately many men will not commit before you have children, and then don't see the point after children.
I couldn't afford to raise children solo, therefore I would get married before getting pregnant in a long term relationship.

SciFiScream · 10/10/2020 11:38

My Dad and Mum got married when I was the bump. (They were surprised when I worked that out at age 6 or 7!)

Being married worked for my Dad when my Mum died suddenly, tragically when she was just 28 and I was 8. She died intestate. Being married made dealing with her death so much easier. She had nothing to leave really but Dad was able to sort things out and agree things with lawyers due to being married.

Nicknamegoeshere · 10/10/2020 12:28

Don't assume marriage gives you legal protection, financial or otherwise. If you marry the wrong person you can be done over for life!

This is the mistake I made in my 20's and I will be forever paying the price. He remains in the former exec marital home, I'm still on rented seven years on with not a hope of getting on the property ladder any time soon.

But what hurts the most is that I lost my kids for half of the time - they were just 3 and 6 when it first happened.

Zero mainentance due of course.

Court again soon as he's applying for yet more custody. Again.

Wish I'd never married him, wish I have never have left. I was destined to a life of abuse the moment I walked down that aisle.

LovelyLovelyMe · 10/10/2020 13:13

I do think that in relationships where marriage isn't considered important, it is usually because one of them feels it isn't important and the other just goes along with that.

Often, the one who doesn't think it is important is the one who simply doesn't love the other enough. They generally think it is important when the right one comes along and that is as old as the hills.

That is often proved when that self same person goes on to marry someone else.

When someone is truly in love, they generally do want to get married and they usually do-being a spouse is very different from being a non-civil partner.

A non-civil partner is only a boyfriend or a girlfriend, no matter how many children there are.

I know some people get complicated legal agreements to cover their rights but all those rights can be conferred by a cheap, quick ceremony. So, if one person would rather go to all that trouble rather than get married, that speaks volumes.

CrappleUmble · 10/10/2020 13:17

I think your story is one of the reasons why understanding that actually marriage is extremely significant and can make a vast difference to one's position is so important nicknamegoeshere. It involves giving up rights and protections as well as acquiring them, in a way that nothing else does, and we all need to know that.

Nicknamegoeshere · 10/10/2020 13:19

@LovelyLovelyMe I'm afraid I disagree. Married my ex-husband without giving it much thought tbh. Big mistake! I was very young and married for mostly unimportant reasons in retrospect. We were certainly never truly in love!! I can't regret my kids but I do regret ever marrying him.

Nicknamegoeshere · 10/10/2020 13:21

@CrappleUmble Exactly. Marriage was extremely damaging for me.

BrieAndChilli · 10/10/2020 13:21

@Nicknamegoeshere losing you kids half the time doesn’t really have anything to do with if you are married or not legally though does it? As the father even if you weren’t married he could have got 50/50 custody and also then not paid maintenance due to that.
The house thing I can’t comment on as you haven’t said why he got the house.