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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not understand getting marrying years after having kids and living together

380 replies

Lcats · 09/10/2020 17:47

What I really mean here is please help me understand. I just have never been exposed to this in real life. However I keep coming across such threads on mumsnet.

What I don't understand is - surely raising your child(ren) together is the ultimate commitment. So for people who marry say five years after having two children - does it nevertheless signify a new step in the relationship? Or is it merely a delayed celebration of the fact that you are already de facto married?

Among my friends those to whom being married mattered for whatever reason married before having kids, or after falling pregnant or having their first child. I have a few friends to whom being married never seemed to matter so they live together for years without. So I have no one to ask in everyday life.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 09/10/2020 18:09

but there is no need to plan a wedding, beyond filling in forms, paying the fee, attending registrar's.
it can be as simple as you like.
usually in a town hall or similar office building, can even go early to rope in two random passers-by as witnesses.
maybe why people do it later in life could be they have known someone suddenly die and it occurs to them, or they find out the implications, re inheritance tax etc. so more stability for children if married, less likely to lose the house to taxes.

OllyBJolly · 09/10/2020 18:11

Totally sensible thing to do (probably more sensible to do it pre-kids).

What I don't get are the couples with 2 or 3 kids who get into debt for the big full-on wedding day.

BillywilliamV · 09/10/2020 18:12

Marriage is commitment, anything else is just waiting to see if anything better comes along?

MollyButton · 09/10/2020 18:13

I can't stand the thought of planning a wedding and the fuss /cost that comes with it but I would like to make it all legally binding

It doesn't need to cost that much, and certainly doesn't need the fuss - and you don't even have to tell people (I know one couple who did it on their lunch break).
And actually now is the perfect time to have a "no fuss" wedding.

QuizzlyBear · 09/10/2020 18:14

My Db and his partner have been together for 19 years and have just decided to get married. Just a registery office affair, no fuss.

They're doing it I suspect because his partner is substantially older then him and works in a high risk job. It will give my dB protection and his pension etc if he dies. Without it he'd be left in a very vulnerable position. I worried about that for years so I am very happy for them!

lowlandLucky · 09/10/2020 18:15

Most women living with the Father of their children will tell you being married doesn't matter to them, well more the fool them because they will find themselves up the creek without a paddle when the bloke buggers off and marries his younger model. It is 2020 and we all know the laws covering co-habiting couples. I might sound hard but i just can't understand why women go ahead and have children with a bloke that doesn't want to get married, then are shocked and stunned when they have no rights.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 09/10/2020 18:15

Yeah OP’s not coming back.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 09/10/2020 18:16

I've been with OH 18 years and we will never marry especially as I'm the main earner. I got burnt financially by my exH when we divorced, I'm not risking it again.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2020 18:17

@oopsiedaisy2

Well except every Tom dick and Harry constantly asks you as they see a reason you should be I guess not 😌 although DP and I have been together for almost 20 years , children and mortgage but not married. I can't stand the thought of planning a wedding and the fuss /cost that comes with it but I would like to make it all legally binding . Certainly not about commitment we decided that jointly when we had children .
It takes longer to open a bank account than to get married.

Just a quick trip to the registry office. Think of it as a trip to a solicitors but slightly more pleasant.

Otherwise you could still be saying the same thing in another 20 years.

BigBadVoodooHat · 09/10/2020 18:19

@Calligraphy572

I feel certain that if you really thought about this, you could make a list of at least 5 really solid and persuasive and important reasons. And if you honestly can't, I don't think the internet can help you.
Yeah, this ^^
Squirrelblanket · 09/10/2020 18:24

For the same reasons that childfree couples may choose to marry after a number of years; money, opportunity etc.

I've been with my husband for 15 years and we've only been married a few of those. 🤷‍♀️

DappledThings · 09/10/2020 18:25

@What2do2

The legal side is extremely important particularly post children. I can’t get over how some people don’t see this
Exactly. It's the obvious answer surely. I can't see why it's surprising.
Myhoodieslongerthanyours · 09/10/2020 18:26

I used to wonder the same thing as I'm not from the type of family that owns property, investments, pensions or makes a will.

From reading mumsnet I've learned that marriage is necessary if you have those things.

OwlBeThere · 09/10/2020 18:26

Next of kin doesn’t exist in uk law.

lightlypoached · 09/10/2020 18:27

We did (after 12 years and 2 kids) I it because it was romantic, another commitment to each other, we had a fab party with all of our loved ones, and our kids and we had enough money to pay for it without debt. Surprisingly I did actually feel different afterwards - more settled somehow.

It was one of the most magical days of my life and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

MsAwesomeDragon · 09/10/2020 18:29

I got married when dd2 was 5 (dd1 was 15, but she's from a different relationship).
We got married for all the boring legal reasons. It was the quickest way for us to sort out things like spousal pensions entitlement, next of kin, etc.

Very unromantic. Very small wedding. Literally for the legal bits and bobs, but we did invite our close family (parents and siblings only).

pinkbalconyrailing · 09/10/2020 18:30

yabu
as many pp said the legal side of being married can be important. and some things cannot be replicated with other kind of contracts.
it can have massive tax implications if one of the partners die. plus all the next of kin stuff should one partner be incapacitated following illness or accident.

Jaxhog · 09/10/2020 18:32

Getting married is (or should be) a public statement about your commitment to each other. Married people stay together longer and mothers have a good deal more legal protection.

Having children should be a commitment but often isn't, judging by the number of single mums.

HavelockVetinari · 09/10/2020 18:32

You'd hope that having kids would be the greatest commitment, but as MN can attest to, sadly there are many deadbeat dads out there who won't legally commit (and thus share their assets) but are happy to have DC as long as their only risk is having to pay the ludicrously low amount the CMS demand.

Jammymare · 09/10/2020 18:33

My parents finally got married when I was 28. Makes wills and inheritance tax a hell of a lot easier for them

oakleaffy · 09/10/2020 18:33

Just come off the phone where an old friend has spent £100,000 in {divorce} lawyer's costs.

Had they not been married, it would have been much cheaper.

It is depressing the amount of women who specifically want to marry 'Wealthy men'.

Rightthen24 · 09/10/2020 18:34

I was incredibly lucky to meet the man of my dreams, get married and then we had children. I didn't want to get married for any other reason then..... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man....probably an outdated view 😂 I realise every situation is different, but personally I do not understand why you would have children with someone that you wouldn't be prepared to get married too. Surely children is a bigger commitment then getting married so why have children with someone that you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with becauae once you have children with someone your stuck with them forever.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/10/2020 18:34

@Myhoodieslongerthanyours

I used to wonder the same thing as I'm not from the type of family that owns property, investments, pensions or makes a will.

From reading mumsnet I've learned that marriage is necessary if you have those things.

No, marriage is necessary if your partner has those things and you don’t and have given up part of your career / progression for children.

For women who have significant assets and are the main earners marriage may be detrimental to their finances in the case of a split. You can also make a will, nominate one another as power of attorney etc and that gives you a lot of security.

What it doesn’t give is not paying inheritance tax but the threshold is fairly high.

steff13 · 09/10/2020 18:35

The short answer is because they want to, and you don't need to understand other people's life choices.

The longer answer is that there are many legal protections that come with being married. They're difficult replicate outside of marriage, but they're important, particularly if one party has decided to give up work to raise children.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMee · 09/10/2020 18:35

After 2DCs and 12y together we did it a month ago. It wasn't remotely romantic or joyful and I would like a 'proper' celebration when pandemic is over. We just felt that it 'was time' to finally do it this year- it was my DH's NY resolution!