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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not understand getting marrying years after having kids and living together

380 replies

Lcats · 09/10/2020 17:47

What I really mean here is please help me understand. I just have never been exposed to this in real life. However I keep coming across such threads on mumsnet.

What I don't understand is - surely raising your child(ren) together is the ultimate commitment. So for people who marry say five years after having two children - does it nevertheless signify a new step in the relationship? Or is it merely a delayed celebration of the fact that you are already de facto married?

Among my friends those to whom being married mattered for whatever reason married before having kids, or after falling pregnant or having their first child. I have a few friends to whom being married never seemed to matter so they live together for years without. So I have no one to ask in everyday life.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 10/10/2020 08:17

Older property owning unmarried couples faces fall when I talk then them through inheritance tax. Most quietly marry. Your estate pays dearly for being unmarried if you are above the threshold.

Some of the men think they’ve been really clever In not marrying somehow not so clever when whacked with massive tax bill on both deaths!

Hotelhelp · 10/10/2020 08:23

I own a house with someone other than my partner. I will need to find out if us getting married (booked) will mean that if anything happens to me the house goes to him in the even that something has happened to the co-owner.

Although tbh there’s not a soul who would try to have it off him.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 10/10/2020 08:27

inheritance tax planning

MsTSwift · 10/10/2020 08:30

You don’t need to be married to be a joint owner or leave someone a house in a will. It’s the tax due on death that’s the issue.

If you are unmarried without kids on death your tax free allowance is £325k anything above that taxed at 40%. If you are married and leave your estate to spouse you are not taxed on the first death at all and can put your allowances together so taxed once on second death on estate above £650k rather than twice on both deaths on your respective estates above £325k.

cantarina · 10/10/2020 08:31

@Hotelhelp this depends on how it was registered (as joint tenants or tenants in common) when purchased, one of these means that the survivor automatically inherits the others half and tends to be the more usual way to register co-ownership with an unmarried couple.

Graphista · 10/10/2020 08:44

Many working class couples won’t have assets to split.

What makes you think that? Working class people can have savings, houses and cars!

Hotelhelp · 10/10/2020 08:44

@cantarina I actually have no idea! I’ll need to try and find out.

I know that myself and the person who owns it both have no wills so not sure what would happen to it if we both died.

Scaraffito · 10/10/2020 08:46

What makes you think that? Working class people can have savings, houses and cars!

Of course, but many won't. Some posters speak as if being married guarantees you financial security for life when in reality for a good chunk of people, it makes things slightly easier but not massively.

MsTSwift · 10/10/2020 08:46

If you are joint owners the survivor of you automatically takes the whole on death. If you are tenants in common on your deaths your shares pass under the intestacy rules if no will otherwise under your wills

Nicknamegoeshere · 10/10/2020 08:50

If I die before my OH I've told him he can arrange my (non-religious) funeral however the heck he likes, but a non-negotiable is that I am having "Ding Dong The Witch is Dead" played, accompanied by my two sons playing their trumpets! Not to everyone's taste but it's my wish and even now I'm chuckling at the thought 😂

Notmydaughteryoubitch · 10/10/2020 08:52

I'll bite, we got married after 11 years of being together. One because as others have said we had a young child together and although I'm reasonably financially independent there has been an impact on my career and I want those legal safeguards. It's not just that though, whilst it hasn't changed our day to day relationship it has been more impactful than I imagined it would in terms of our emotional bond and we we're in a very strong position going in.
I think marriage early on is a promise and hopes, marriage after a decade or so is more about rubber stamping that commitment

swishswashy · 10/10/2020 09:01

Married after 12 years, 2 kids and 3 house moves. We had been engaged since pre-kids and always knew we'd get married 'one day' but it wasn't a big deal for either of us.

One day we decided to do it spur of the moment and married a few months later. Love being married to dh, for romantic and financial/legal reasons. Dc loved being part of our wedding too. I know it's sometimes belittled on here but I like sharing the same name with dh and kids and feel like an official family unit.

After we married a few other older couples who'd been together even longer than us did too. I think as we get older we realise the legal and financial implications of marriage more. These were couples who were always saying that marriage was 'just a piece of paper' and that kids were a bigger commitment.

thebabewiththepower · 10/10/2020 09:08

I am not married and we’ve been together, with 2 kids now, for about 15 years. I am financially independent, have a better paid job than my partner and don’t need any of the current protections afforded by marriage. We own our house jointly, so it will pass to the other in the event of death, he has no other significant assets. We may well get married in the future because of inheritance tax implications, if the value of the equity in our house gets such that inheritance tax may have to be paid (we’re some way off that atm!). What happens after I or he dies in terms of funerals and the rest doesn’t particularly matter to me - we’d be dead. So for the OP, that’s why we may get married in the future, for inheritance tax reasons.

HandfulofDust · 10/10/2020 09:09

As people get older and so do their kids they probably have more experience of things going unexpectedly wrong and want to plan for the future and protect themselves. They might have a job which offers health and dental plan for spouses and children. They want to make sure their partner is next of kin if they become ill. They want to plan for inheretence tax. They may also be in a better financial position to plan and organise a wedding.

LeanishMachine · 10/10/2020 09:14

I don't understand why anyone has children without the legal protections marriage offers, so I understand completely that people who have done it that way want to marry after the children arrive.

The thing I really don't get is putting it off because you can't afford the day you want or indeed wanting the huge day but that, I guess, is because we're all different.

thebabewiththepower · 10/10/2020 09:17

@LeanishMachine

I don't understand why anyone has children without the legal protections marriage offers, so I understand completely that people who have done it that way want to marry after the children arrive.

The thing I really don't get is putting it off because you can't afford the day you want or indeed wanting the huge day but that, I guess, is because we're all different.

What legal protection does marriage offer before having children for those that have a better job, higher income and more assets than their partner? Many women are in this position.
LeanishMachine · 10/10/2020 09:19

I don't understand. I specifically spoke of having children? The thread is about marriage and children?

pinkbalconyrailing · 10/10/2020 09:22

dh and I live abroad, which plays a big part in us getting married.
currently we don't need a visa, but should we need to in the future being married makes that easier/cheaper.

thebabewiththepower · 10/10/2020 09:23

@LeanishMachine

I don't understand. I specifically spoke of having children? The thread is about marriage and children?
Sorry, I meant those with a better job, higher income and children. Forgot the crucial children bit. What extra protection would I get from marrying my partner when I’m in this position?
CrappleUmble · 10/10/2020 09:24

Many MMers love to chant this marriage solves everything mantra.

Many, really? Nah. I suspect that point is more often argued against than argued for on here. There are some people who think it I'm sure, but the majority of the times I can think of seeing it, it's been introduced by someone who isn't inclined towards marriage.

What MN does get wrong on a frequent basis about the benefits of marriage is next of kin. There's pretty much never a thread without someone claiming that this exists in UK law and that unmarried partners are excluded, both of which are wrong. That's the only really common misconception from more pro-marriage people on here, and while it's certainly wrong and needs correcting, it has nowhere near the potential significance of the common fallacies from those minimising the impact of marriage/CP.

TwoBlueFish · 10/10/2020 09:25

I got married after 10 years together and 2 kids. I lived abroad for most of that time and it would have been difficult and expensive to arrange a wedding. Ultimately when we did get married we had a fantastic small inexpensive close family day. Having the legal protection of being married also became more of an issue for us.

WhatWouldJKRDo · 10/10/2020 09:29

When DP’s company pension changed the rules to make it “at their discretion” to pay the nominated person if not a spouse, my feminist objections to the patriarchal institution of marriage seemed less important.

It was a quick and easy way of putting legal protections for both of us. It means nothing more to either of us than that.

Crystal87 · 10/10/2020 09:32

I just wanted us to seal the deal and become husband and wife, not just boyfriend and girlfriend. So it was for legal reasons as well as romantic.

Florencex · 10/10/2020 09:34

I think getting married after years and children is better than not getting married at all, although I don’t understand why people have children before the protection of marriage. There are obvious reasons why being married is better.

CrappleUmble · 10/10/2020 09:34

@WhatWouldJKRDo

When DP’s company pension changed the rules to make it “at their discretion” to pay the nominated person if not a spouse, my feminist objections to the patriarchal institution of marriage seemed less important.

It was a quick and easy way of putting legal protections for both of us. It means nothing more to either of us than that.

Perfectly reasonable course of action, imho. It's legitimate to make the decision about marriage/CP v cohabitation on purely practical grounds if that's your preference, and there'd be nothing feminist about leaving yourself with less financial protection on principle.