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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really angry that seeing my parents is illegal?

675 replies

Snailsetssail · 08/10/2020 21:26

My area is very likely to be locked down next week. I am so furious that it’s going to be against the law for me to see my parents, and my children to see their grandparents. We did lockdown properly last time, it was absolutely awful. My mental health plummeted and I don’t think I can do it again. I rely on support from family and friends.

Just feeling so incredibly angry about it all tonight. Poor people in Leicester have lived like this for 100 days so far with no end in site.

I’m so fed up and I know I’m going to be told to just get on it it. But I just need a space to vent.

OP posts:
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/10/2020 17:23

Personally if my elderly parent was that vulnerable and lovely, they would have moved with me as soon as it was possible however cramped that meant to be. I thought that. If my mum was still alive she'd be with me and she'd been as keen on that as I would.

You do realise it's not always possible? I'm not sure where we would have put my Mum in our one bedroom flat...

ancientgran · 09/10/2020 17:27

When my mother moved in with me due to a personal issue she had the 2nd bedroom and kids went in the dining room. If I was in a one bedroom flat I'd probably have the couch and she could have the bedroom. It might be better for some people to move in with elderly parent or their might be another sibling. Some people it might be impossible for many there would be a way.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/10/2020 17:31

The layout of our flat would have made it difficult and she wouldn't have come anyway as she couldn't have brought her cat!

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 09/10/2020 17:33

@Lostinacloud

Not going to be told to just get on with it by me. In fact I am willing the whole of the UK population to stop just getting on with it and to push back against this control by fear. How dare any government tell any free individual that they are not allowed to see their own family. I actually cannot believe that people are willingly accepting this no matter what is going on.
I agree with you
stopgap · 09/10/2020 17:34

Not that it’s a hardship content, but I live in the US, my parents and entire extended family in the UK, and I haven’t seen them since February, and god only knows when I will see them again. It’s dreadful.

ancientgran · 09/10/2020 17:48

The layout of our flat would have made it difficult and she wouldn't have come anyway as she couldn't have brought her cat! Well presumably you are one of ones who would have found it impossible but if your mother made that decision then it is her choice isn't it.

ancientgran · 09/10/2020 17:50

Stopgap that must be hard. Many years ago my sister was living abroad and a war started in the country she was in and the anxiety was awful. To hear of bombing raids and not being able to get hold of her or her children was really difficult. Fortunately they were fine.

notdaddycool · 09/10/2020 18:08

I reckon the vulnerable need to shield, those who can work from home should, we should stop shaking hands etc and social distance, those likely to have it should self isolate but beyond that we should know our risk profiles and get on with life as we see fit, more than that should be based on hospitalisations and protecting the NHS. We can then build up herd immunity. There is no imminent vaccine and no guarantee there ever will be one. If we don't build up heard immunity we will never be able to return to anything like life as it was before.

SadiePurple · 09/10/2020 18:13

@dontdisturbmenow

So an elderly, recently widowed woman. She is expected to stay in, by herself, with no human contact whatsoever, no we cannot Zoom her, we cannot telephone her. Potentially it could be months, no end in sight Personally if my elderly parent was that vulnerable and lovely, they would have moved with me as soon as it was possible however cramped that meant to be.
Do you think her risk of catching the virus would increase, decrease, or stay the same, if she moved into our household?
PennyDreadfuI · 09/10/2020 18:39

@notdaddycool

I reckon the vulnerable need to shield, those who can work from home should, we should stop shaking hands etc and social distance, those likely to have it should self isolate but beyond that we should know our risk profiles and get on with life as we see fit, more than that should be based on hospitalisations and protecting the NHS. We can then build up herd immunity. There is no imminent vaccine and no guarantee there ever will be one. If we don't build up heard immunity we will never be able to return to anything like life as it was before.
There's absolutely no guarantee herd immunity works, or that you can't catch Covid more than once. It's established that that approach is a huge gamble and incredibly dangerous.

Millions of vulnerable people still need to earn a living and if they're told to shield indefinitely, they'll need proper financial support (not just basic UC). Also, many vulnerable people live with partners who need to go out to work and DC who must go to school - how are they meant to shield for what may be years?

I'm not saying I have the answers, but telling millions of people to give up their careers and all human contact for months, or years, on end in the hope of herd immunity which may never come is clearly inhumane and way too much to ask.

stopgap · 09/10/2020 18:42

@ancientgran, It’s definitely not easy. I see my parents 3 or 4 times a year usually, for between 1-3 weeks.

I’m glad your sister and family came out the other side regarding a wartime situation. That definitely puts things in perspective!

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/10/2020 18:44

@ancientgran

The layout of our flat would have made it difficult and she wouldn't have come anyway as she couldn't have brought her cat! Well presumably you are one of ones who would have found it impossible but if your mother made that decision then it is her choice isn't it.
What I'm trying to say is it's not as easy as some people on MN seem to think. It's not just a case of 'come and love with me' for many people.
Letsgetgoing123 · 09/10/2020 18:53

@WombatChocolate

Well, if everyone takes the attitude of ignoring the rules and carrying on seeing whoever they want, the length of restrictions will just be longer and longer. And of course more infections will happen and some people will die and they might be from your own family or perhaps from someone else’s.

That’s the Q really isn’t it.....will you accept some inconvenience and disappointment for yourself in order to protect someone you don’t know.

This all relies on the vast majority of people choosing to be inconvenienced and actually putting others first, but if people all decide they won’t do this, then actually cases will rise and people somewhere will die. You might not see a direct connection as in a death of someone you actually know (or I guess some people do...but most probably don’t realise it even when that direct connection exists like that) but transmissions can all be traced back to people who had too close contact with others. The trouble is, no-one can have a close contact and be totally sure they haven’t got it even if not showing symptoms. So you take a risk, for yourself, your family and for wider society.....because you want tos we your family. Yes it’s hard, but keep that hardship in perspective and try and grow some resilience.

Honestly, think of the hardships people live within lots of parts of the world and people here have lived with in the past and the very genuine difficulties lots of people here still live with daily and see your own inconveniences in perspective.

Agree with you
Casschops · 09/10/2020 18:55

We are in a lockdown already with restrictions on seeing people from other households. My son mixes with children all day at school and I have met some of them at the park a weekend. I do my MIL shopping each week coz none else will, she can't carry bags to the fridge and see my parents and Aunt outdoors. I wear a mask everywhere and sanitize constantly. People can't live like this for an eternity. The problem is the idiots who are carrying on as normal. If we were all sensible there wouldn't be an issue.
The figures are skewed and not representative of actuality. I choose to trust myself and my initiative.

clarepetal · 09/10/2020 19:13

Just do it. Keep it quiet from judgy people, don't post on social media. Why the hell can the government stop you from seeing your family? If they had properly planned for a pandemic instead of the balls up after balls up after balls up that has happened all through this.
No PPE, ignoring care homes, sending infected elderly people back into care homes,confusing and conflicting rules (that they break themselves) a terrible track and trace system that isn't reliable. Not enough resources in the NHS due to the constant cuts from the last 10 years, an unfair furlough scheme that some people have ripped off and unfairly claimed money from, and some people aren't eligible for because of silly reasons and therefore have no money.
The government have handled this appallingly, we have one of the highest death rates due to their incompetence so I won't be following their advice.
I followed the rules to the letter before and I will not struggle like I did before and not see my family, I will just do it quietly.
Not even to mention all the knock on effects of the economy closing again and healthcare issues. More people will suffering die if we have another lockdown, suicide has increased by 200% since covid.
I will be visiting my family, the government has no right to deny me this.

likeafishneedsabike · 09/10/2020 19:14

@Lostinacloud

Not going to be told to just get on with it by me. In fact I am willing the whole of the UK population to stop just getting on with it and to push back against this control by fear. How dare any government tell any free individual that they are not allowed to see their own family. I actually cannot believe that people are willingly accepting this no matter what is going on.
This
clarepetal · 09/10/2020 19:15

bit if shit grammar in there, apologies, but, oh the rage!Wink

speakout · 09/10/2020 19:18

I agree OP.

I am not allowed to have my daughter to visit- a student- and I am not allowed to visit her flat.
She can however continue to work part time as a dance teacher, catch two buses and a train to work, but not allowed in the family home.

Letsgetgoing123 · 09/10/2020 19:21

For those who disagree with the lockdown and plan to ignore it, and carry on seeing relatives and friends...

I can understand your frustration, but can you please answer these things:

  1. What do you think should be done instead to control the rising numbers of hospital admissions?
  1. If you are still seeing vulnerable relatives, especially with children who are in school, are you not worried you will unwittingly pass the virus on to them? And what measures are you putting in place to stop this from happening?
speakout · 09/10/2020 19:21

clarepetal

Well said.
Many points I agree with- the govenment has allowed thousands of people to stream into the country from abroad unchecked- no regulated quarantine, testing has been a shit show.
I will be happily ignoring advice about not seeing my close family.

speakout · 09/10/2020 19:27

Letsgetgoing123

Unless the government takes steps to prevent viral re infection from abroad our domestic procedures are futile.
Countries that have fared best - Australia and N Zealand for example are ones who have clamped down severely on re introducig the virus from abroad.
Our government are still allowing thousands of people to stream in from abroad unchecked.

I am not prepared to undergo social penalties due to the govenment's inadequacies

CheeseAndOnionIcecream · 09/10/2020 19:35

Lostinacloud How dare any government tell any free individual that they are not allowed to see their own family
You took the words right out of my mouth. I too am finding it hard to get my head around the fact that so many people are still meekly accepting to this crap. Although it is heartening to see that there has been a bit of a shift in the attitudes on Mumsnet. Up until the start of this 'second wave',it seemed to me that the vast majority on here were willingly accepting any number of restrictions imposed on them,without a murmur of complaint. Now I am glad to see that quite a number are questioning it and even rebelling. There is only so much that people can take,and forbidding people to see their families and elderly parents is going to have greater consequences than the pandemic in my opinion.

vixb1 · 09/10/2020 19:37

Ughh, I was all for sticking to the rules but I am done....

I'm in a local lockdown area, but cases have increased 500%+ since we got put into lockdown. So what's the fucking point? All that they have achieved is mental health deteriorating and local economy suffering.

It doesn't work. If there was a plan that I could see working, I'd happily follow it. But they've got nothing. Not a fucking clue.

So I'm not going to go to any parties, I'm not going to see many of my friends, but I'm sure as hell going to see my family.

I'm a so fucking done.

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/10/2020 19:39

Just do what you want OP. Be a bit discreet and don't tell anyone. The whole thing is utterly stupid and hysterical. People should be allowed to make up their own minds like adults. Even elderly people are a lot more likely to survive than die if they catch it. And we all have to die of something. People take plenty of other risks by doing things that are possibly going to kill them (smoking, obesity, speeding, etc). Some of these things are even legal! Why the weird over reaction to this virus?

speakout · 09/10/2020 19:42

I love this talk.

My young adult son has severe MH problems, seeing his friends is a lifeline.
Not allowed in my area-but I will happily pay for a taxi for him to visit his mates.