Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

But your setting yourselves up to have to move at what will already be a stressful time. That too also seems quite selfish of you father to basically tell you you can pay him to live there until he needs it back!

It does seem so much of this could be sorted by you and your husband renting your own place so your not beholden by your dad

@vanillandhoney

I wouldn't cope with my FIL coming to stay for several weeks as a one-off, let alone several times a year. That's insane, sorry.

The fact that you would kick your husband out to accommodate your dad says it all to me. End your marriage and let your husband find someone who appreciates him.

I agree

@notimeforaname
Indeed he's 80! I'm not suggesting for one second that op doesn't care for her father- I'm saying she has other responsibilities AS WELL that she has chosen , Ie a family of her own! Her father sadly does not trump the care that her own family deserves, and (I don't think he should want to ) and in the case of her dd needs. Caring for her father does not mean chucking her husband out the house and splitting up the family. I'm quite sure that there are other ways that this situation could and should have been handled, and in particular if boundaries had been put in pace by op right from the start - I'm afraid she's reaping what she's sown.

It's not his house though. It's not even his home. It's your DDad's house and home whenever he wants to stay there. And it's you and your DDad's wishes overruling your DH's wants and needs.

I would not survive this if I was your DH. You haven't answered what therapy you have needed to deal with your family?

You are supposed to be married to your dh and forsake all others

Including a terminally Ill parent?
No.i cant agree with this. It wouldn't be forever. Sick old parents need us. If and when we can help out...it morally should be done.
The very least we can do is take care of them as they leave the world/are in decline...as they took care of us.

And I thought the point of having a partner was to support and love you through your tough times in life.

Sorry to hear about your mum op.

Definitely speak to your father about the possibilities of him moving back to the area.
If he doesn't want to do this then ask him stay somewhere else half the time he visits as husband has to work and needs more space. Simple.

You've had enough advice on what to say to your husband.

@Mydogmylife

So, nearly every comment you have engaged with is one that supports your dad. I think you've made up your mind already - good luck . I am astounded that your father is willing to allow your willingness to care for him to disrupt your own and more importantly your dd life in this way. I adored my late father, but he was insistent that he did not impinge on our family life in such a negative way.

I can see that, and I’m trying to consider both arguments, but maybe you’re right. I’m angry, not sure at whom or what right now, but DH is an easier target.

This is one of those posts I would love to hear your DH point of view.

I completely get you love your dad but the house thing makes me wonder how freely he gives it, are there strings attached.

I think its fine to takee DH cut out the comments you don't want to hear it..

I also wonder at what point you discuss it... just afrer he left whilst arranging a visit...

Also the fact your DM is so ill you are under an awful amount of pressure... and yes I hope DH is supporting you through this.

You also say it would be great if he fucked off and saw DD once in a while? what is there relationship like? What is your relationship like apart from this issue?because nothing comes through that its great reargdless and maybe this is just the final straw of many.

He is no saint and is bloody hard to live with but it is his house

@inthekitchensink It's your house too though OP, and your dad. In fact, it's kind of your dad's house (though it's your home.) Maybe that's part of the dynamic. I.e. your dad acts like it's his place because it is.

@Notimeforaname

You are supposed to be married to your dh and forsake all others

Including a terminally Ill parent?
No.i cant agree with this. It wouldn't be forever. Sick old parents need us. If and when we can help out...it morally should be done.
The very least we can do is take care of them as they leave the world/are in decline...as they took care of us.

And I thought the point of having a partner was to support and love you through your tough times in life.

Sorry to hear about your mum op.

Definitely speak to your father about the possibilities of him moving back to the area.
If he doesn't want to do this then ask him stay somewhere else half the time he visits as husband has to work and needs more space. Simple.

You've had enough advice on what to say to your husband.

Thank you, this is where I’m torn - a partner supports you through losing parents vs prioritising a partner because that’s your vow, your new family, your commitment

I’m clearly not doing any of it well and would happily fuck off myself if I could!

Caring for her father does not mean chucking her husband out the house and splitting up the family

No. I never once suggested this.

I do however think the husband is behaving disgustingly over this and is bringing no real suggestion or help to the table. Hes just making it worse. Hes not being a partner.

I can see you are taking on comments from many posters, @inthekitchensink. Sorry if i missed this but one other thing - if you are concerned that your father is developing dementia I would actively not move him in. I would think it would have a negative effect on your DD, a negative effect on you. I am conscious that you have already taken on a great deal of care responsibilities and that it may be in your nature to want to do so. However, often it is in no ones best interests for family to care for relatives with significant needs, including dementia.

I think you hit the nail on your head when you mentioned boundaries- you love your dad and want to see him but your dad staying for so long and being all up in your space is too much. Your husband is understandably upset and your dad being so much up in his space but it isnt okay for him to speak so cruelly about him. You love your parents and want to help them but you arguably bend too much. Three sets of boundaries that should be fortified.

You could also think of it as 3 things to protect - your relationship with your husband, with your parents, and your DDs wellbeing. They all need attention and input. But boundaries are healthy in all these things

@anniegun

If this was a woman complaining about her FIL visiting then everyone would be saying she has every right to her own home and her DH should prioritise her over his father

This. I would go spare if my FIL moved in. Thankfully my husband thinks he’s as much of a cunt as I do

You say your dad is "often critical & cantankerous".

Who or what is he critical of exactly?

I’m clearly not doing any of it well

@inthekitchensink Aww, I think you're being too hard on yourself.

I do however think the husband is behaving disgustingly over this and is bringing no real suggestion or help to the table. Hes just making it worse. Hes not being a partner.

@Notimeforaname I agree. It's very difficult and if that were my husband I'd be tempted to finish with him.

If I try to sit down and discuss a way going forward (bearing in mind I do actually love my dad immensely and want to see him) he just snaps that he’s a cunt and can fuck off

My dad is an amazing father, grandfather and person. He means the absolute world to me. I would never be with someone who would say such nasty things knowing how I feel. What a prick your DH is to be like that about someone who you clearly adore.
There are aspects on this thread that feel so "Head of the household, poor man, he should be king" Yuk.

My DH deserves a house which is his sanctuary, without imposition or pressure. He is no saint and is bloody hard to live with but it is his house
But he's ok to ask your father to buy one for you? Is that right? That you said he bought it at your request?

It's obviously not an ideal situation but temporary and if my husband called my Dad a c-word I'd be so angry. Does he normally behave this way? Are you sure your Dad coming to stay is really the problem here??
Regardless of what you do with your husband and whether your neighbours' timely new patio plans come into it would your dad consider moving into sheltered accommodation very close by?

Would your dd want to live with your and your df rather than her dad? I suppose that's the plus of living in his property, easier to evict dh or do you have a proper tenancy agreement?

@Starlightstarbright1

This is one of those posts I would love to hear your DH point of view.

I completely get you love your dad but the house thing makes me wonder how freely he gives it, are there strings attached.

I think its fine to takee DH cut out the comments you don't want to hear it..

I also wonder at what point you discuss it... just afrer he left whilst arranging a visit...

Also the fact your DM is so ill you are under an awful amount of pressure... and yes I hope DH is supporting you through this.

You also say it would be great if he fucked off and saw DD once in a while? what is there relationship like? What is your relationship like apart from this issue?because nothing comes through that its great reargdless and maybe this is just the final straw of many.

Thanks Starlight, I meant to say see Dd everyday - not once in a while. He is totally hands on. Their relationship is really great. Ours not so much. Possibly circumstantial but while the storm that is 2020, work, a young child, sick parents, is raging - how can I tell. I don’t know if we will reconnect, and recent events make me unsure if I want to.

During lockdown, with no visitors, commuting, socialising etc we were a very happy family unit. I can say that.

It's very lovely to read how much you obviously love your dad, and I'm sure for good reason but I think he's being selfish. I would be absolutely gutted if my kids ever felt they had to sacrifice their family or relationships for me. Support your dad, love him but maintain your own family first. He's your parent, not your child. And your lives sound way too co-dependant financially.

Good post @TheDaydreamBelievers. I also think OP you need some boundaries around yourself and what you need. There's a lot going on, I suspect you've forgotten to think about your own wants and needs but they are important.

@picosandsancerre

On a separate note as the house is in your fathers name if he does become chronically unwell or requires a care home (assuming your in the UK) he will have to sell the house to pay for his social care needs. So you may want to get the legal position of the home sorted asap. You have left yourself vulnerable

Not if there’s plenty of money apart from the house - which it certainly sounds as if there is. Selling property is the last resort.

@FubsyRambler

You’d deprive your DD of her father because you want to prioritise your dad who prefers to live abroad most of the year? Ditch your husband, or just shelve him for a few years til your dad is dead and there’s just you and DD? Really?

Could not agree with this more!!! Honestly! SMH

Your dad visits for too long, too frequently.

He spends more time at yours than most students do at their parents house

@AlwaysLatte

It's obviously not an ideal situation but temporary and if my husband called my Dad a c-word I'd be so angry. Does he normally behave this way? Are you sure your Dad coming to stay is really the problem here?? Regardless of what you do with your husband and whether your neighbours' timely new patio plans come into it would your dad consider moving into sheltered accommodation very close by?

😁 I wish you were my friend

I will look into sheltered accommodation even if it’s just quietly