Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

This has been eye opening for me

Because I’m in the position of your DH with his DM.

I was supportive of their relationship until she infringed willingly on our marriage.. critiquing everything I do..

I wonder whether it’s a similar dynamic

This is a real triangle. There does not seem to be a right answer. I would like to hear your DHs side.

However I do have some questions.
Is the reason your staying in that house to accommodate your DH to travel to London for work? (And wonder with covid etc has this changed? )
Or
To stay close to your DM and also continue accommodate DF?

Is your father somewhat subsidising your rent? Was his regular extended visits apart of the original agreement?

I have to admit, I feel for your DH here. Although the c word is very harsh, was him saying that the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak? It sounds like he has to compromise a lot for your dad. Is cheaper rent worth that?

@Notimeforaname
I was talking about the father. You then used my words to talk about ops mother. Her mother is a separate person and op rightly is helping her mum to the best of her ability. This seems like a far more manageable and mutually beneficial relationship for the whole family. You say her dh is not being a partner. Op is not being a partner to her dh.

Latest post by @inthekitchensink is what I meant when I said it was unfair to split because of this particular issue unless there's more to it.....
And now there is more to the relationship with dh

OP, if you want to finally make up your mind and feel free of the endless stress and strain of being pulled between two men, you have to be honest with yourself.

It's pretty clear that you are leaving lots of information about your dad out. You said he's critical and cantankerous. YOU SAID THAT. Yet when asked to describe why he's difficult, you said because he wears robes??? Just tell the truth. Who is he and why is he difficult? Tell the truth.

You also seem enmeshed and frankly co dependent which points to poor parenting. You seem terrified to confront your dad or even have a real discussion with him. Your behavior makes it impossible that your father is who you think he is. If he is a wonderful amazing dad, then why can't you talk openly to him????

Please, we can't give you advice if you continue to be afraid. None of us know you. Just tell the truth.

What is it about your father that you are so desperate to hide that you'd divorce your DH and give up partial custody of your own daughter before admitting?

and in particular if boundaries had been put in pace by op right from the start - I'm afraid she's reaping what she's sown

So the husband is free to call the shots now, say what goes and when the father can come, beacause he doesn't like how op handles her dads visits......yet he brought and does not bring any help or solutions.

Not much of a partner.
Just a disrespectful crank who complains.

If hes so concerned he would speak like an adult and try to find an alternative solution. But in this partnership...op needs to "reap what she's sown " and sort it out herself. Nice.

@hereyehearye

OP, if you want to finally make up your mind and feel free of the endless stress and strain of being pulled between two men, you have to be honest with yourself.

It's pretty clear that you are leaving lots of information about your dad out. You said he's critical and cantankerous. YOU SAID THAT. Yet when asked to describe why he's difficult, you said because he wears robes??? Just tell the truth. Who is he and why is he difficult? Tell the truth.

You also seem enmeshed and frankly co dependent which points to poor parenting. You seem terrified to confront your dad or even have a real discussion with him. Your behavior makes it impossible that your father is who you think he is. If he is a wonderful amazing dad, then why can't you talk openly to him????

Please, we can't give you advice if you continue to be afraid. None of us know you. Just tell the truth.

What is it about your father that you are so desperate to hide that you'd divorce your DH and give up partial custody of your own daughter before admitting?

👍

@CJsGoldfish

If I try to sit down and discuss a way going forward (bearing in mind I do actually love my dad immensely and want to see him) he just snaps that he’s a cunt and can fuck off

My dad is an amazing father, grandfather and person. He means the absolute world to me. I would never be with someone who would say such nasty things knowing how I feel. What a prick your DH is to be like that about someone who you clearly adore.
There are aspects on this thread that feel so "Head of the household, poor man, he should be king" Yuk.

My DH deserves a house which is his sanctuary, without imposition or pressure. He is no saint and is bloody hard to live with but it is his house
But he's ok to ask your father to buy one for you? Is that right? That you said he bought it at your request?

Erm, no. They are only tenants in the house. The OP said her father bought the house ”so he can rely on this asset when he needs it. It gives us a lovely house in the meantime, but we know we are only tenants”.

The OP and her husband are not benefiting from this arrangement. They are paying market rent and the OP will not be inheriting the property. The only person truly benefiting from this arrangement is the OP’s father.

@Notimeforaname

Imposing time restrictions for when your father can visit?? Is he for fuckin real??Are you for real?? I cant believe you would do this to your dear old dad. The man who raised you. What an entitled cold hearted loser your husband is.

Some major assumptions there. Not every dad is a dear old dad automatically, and in fact OP says this one is difficult, critical and cantankerous; based on her account of the way he behaves, e.g. taking any food or drink in the house, he's also pretty selfish..

I wouldn't want either of my in-laws around for visits longer than a few days, particularly if it meant having to rearrange everyone's sleeping and living arrangements, nor would I expect to invite my own parents for longer periods. I don't think it's at all unreasonable to set time restrictions rather than letting relatives turn up and stay for however long they choose.

OP, are you even sure your father would want to move in? It sounds as if he likes his independence, and if he needs more care he may well not want his daughter to be the one giving it. I'd suggest you look into sheltered housing or something similar as an alternative.

As a parent I would never put myself in a position that I needed to live at my adults child and their families too small home. So I could enjoy my life with the rent from them. Where is the self awareness that this would always cause problems. It would be more understandable when couples are from different countries but this isn’t the case. Both men are the problem.

Your husband needs his home and sanctuary, regardless of who owns it. I think his language and behaviour are symptomatic of the fact that something critical to mental health (privacy, home etc) is being taken away by someone critical and cantankerous when your dad visits. Having all of you in a little house is like overstuffing a a cage with animals. They bite eachother.

VinylDetective weekly costs in care homes can be up to 5k a week. Equity in a property dissappears fast and folks be in care homes for years. My point was that the OP home is vulnerable as it is in her fathers name. If he hands it over now and he dies within 7yrs it will be added to his estate and subject to not only tax but shared if any other beneficiaries

He's your parent, not your child.

@EarlGreyJenny I don't think OP is neglecting/deproritizing her kids in any way. Quite the opposite- they get to see their grandad.

As they get older, most parents need some of our care and support. Giving it to them if possible is the moral thing to do, even if it's 'just' arranging appropriate care, accomodation etc. It is to an extent a role reversal of how they cared for us. But it's not wrong. Of course people can only do what they can do, though.

Your husband sounds awful. Does he have his parents around?

Op, I do appreciate that you are having a hard time, one other thing that does worry me a lot, that other people have touched on, is the ownership of the house, and how vulnerable this leaves you and you family. Potentially you could be left without your home, at a very stressful time. Perhaps this is something that your DH is not comfortable with either ?

As they get older, most parents need some of our care and support. Giving it to them if possible is the moral thing to do, even if it's 'just' arranging appropriate care, accomodation etc. It is to an extent a role reversal of how they cared for us. But it's not wrong. Of course people can only do what they can do, though
Agree.

I think this is how OP feels,she would like to be able to do this for her dad.

Husband definitely needs to be kinder and actually help.
OP is dealing with a terminally ill parent as well. Its disgraceful he cant just put up for a while. OP cant keep focused on everything. Maybe husband could figure out an alternative for the father or speak to him,himself. To help his wife .

@picosandsancerre
Even worse, if he continues to live in the house and receive rent it will be considered a gift with reservation of benefit and the full value will be added back to his estate for iht purposes

As several others have said I think that both men are behaving poorly. Even the phrase poor OP has used "choose" - that she has been put in a position where she feels she must choose between them

I think both men in this situation are behaving quite selfishly and no wonder you are torn

This sums it up. Calling your dad nasty names and saying he smells when he is ageing and losing his memory is disgusting. Frankly, though, it is a bit odd that he lives abroad for inheritance tax reasons but is losing his memory and you live in his property so probably quite soon you might lose the house from beneath your feet if he goes into care. It suggests to me that he's set it up so you feel an obligation to care for him. (Caring for him is likely to be the right thing if you can but it sounds like he's selfishly set it up to ensure that even if you don't feel you can) maybe it's unfair, I imagine it's dreadful growing old and being single and knowing that your child may not choose to care for you and there's nothing you can do.

Living with your in laws for an extended period would be hard for most. I would never EVER use words like that to my DH to describe his parents. It shows a lack of respect for your partner. It's not ok.

So on balance I side with your dad on this, he's difficult but he's your dad. When you sign up.to a marriage you sign up to the tough times too and I'm sure your DH could mitigate by arranging evenings out with friends etc so his time with your dad is limited.

hereyehearye

I agree.

And I’m very shocked at all the comments vilifying Nd the husband, when if they roles were reversed it will almost certainly be in support of the wife over the ageing mother in law... And blind eyes turning to any name calling if she had pushed boundaries...

DM had a similar arrangement with her DF giving her a house to live in temporarily but as a consequence would barge in without notice and passive aggressively make my father feel very patronised.

My father should’ve manned up and got himself a home but my DM didn’t do herself any favors sticking up for her father as a sinless victim out of gratitude for his gifts with strings attached. She lost her marriage while continuously vilifying my dad for being so mean.

He continues to be passive aggressive and with time she realised that none of them was an angel. But the real solution was her to put boundaries to save her relationship..

She is suffering and so are we her kids.

Really, your dad doesn’t sound like a saint. You need to tell him politely:

“Dad I know you love me and mean well, but please be more appreciative and positive around DH as he is being supportive of me accommodating you and I owe him to say that to you “.

And go to your DH and say
“I know you don’t mean to hurt me, but please realise that calling my father names is unacceptable. However, I know he is no saint nhs it’s very hard for you to accommodate him and I’m really appreciative of that and hope I can make it up to you when your parents are in need of us one day”

@SoulofanAggron

I was absolutely not suggesting that OP was neglecting her child. I was meaning that I would put my kids above my partner, but not my parents. I think OP is admirable for trying so hard to support her dad, but I think she has her priorities in the wrong order and she needs to support him in a way that doesn't sacrifice her own family. He needs to live more independently, their house does not sound set up for him staying so long and no wonder her DP flipped (although it must have hurt).

@picosandsancerre

VinylDetective weekly costs in care homes can be up to 5k a week. Equity in a property dissappears fast and folks be in care homes for years. My point was that the OP home is vulnerable as it is in her fathers name. If he hands it over now and he dies within 7yrs it will be added to his estate and subject to not only tax but shared if any other beneficiaries

I think you mean £5k a month. I doubt even the most luxurious care home costs £260k a year. It certainly wouldn’t have many residents if it did.

Somehow I don’t think this thread has helped you much, OP. It’s as divided as you’re torn.

I think your DH calling your DDad a cunt is the straw that broke the camel's back.
I think you've already given up on your marriage.
I think even without the comment from your DH, you've already decided that your DDad is your priority.
I think you'd rather your DD was separated from her dad than you be separated from yours.

@bubblesforlife

This is a real triangle. There does not seem to be a right answer. I would like to hear your DHs side.

However I do have some questions.
Is the reason your staying in that house to accommodate your DH to travel to London for work? (And wonder with covid etc has this changed? )
Or
To stay close to your DM and also continue accommodate DF?

Is your father somewhat subsidising your rent? Was his regular extended visits apart of the original agreement?

I have to admit, I feel for your DH here. Although the c word is very harsh, was him saying that the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak? It sounds like he has to compromise a lot for your dad. Is cheaper rent worth that?

Good point. My DH would say that he is intrusive, domineering & takes over. That he he has money so why is he staying in our tiny house. That he has been given ample time, opportunity & flexibility to put in the money for a bigger house with an annexe and we would cover the mortgage on top of his deposit. That he is demanding, inflexible, and pushed boundaries.

My dad would say he has done a lot for our family - financially, securing us somewhere to live so we can be near my mum in an expensive area, he rented nearby when I was ill & had PND so he could help with DD, he thinks DH can be ill tempered, grumpy and bullies me

I think they are both right. I have a duty to my dad in his old age, DH is not being nice to me (or him - albeit not to his face) and they both deserve better than the current situation.

Dd deserves to have two happy parents who can role model a loving, respectful relationship, and a good relationship with her Gdad whom she adores.

Could you tell us more about why you have had counselling over your family OP? It feels like you aren't telling the full story here.