Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

He does nothing to fit into the household, steals your food, alcohol and thinks you should be waiting on him hand and foot. I am not surprised your dh is beside himself. The way your father treats you is beyond rude. Yet you think he walks on water and are thinking of ending your marriage for it. Wow

Hes 80 years of age!!! 80! What should he be doing, shopping cleaning and cooking all his own meals? Its an 80 year old mad for fuck sake.

This is so sad.. Hes being called a cunt and an inconvenience and smelly and not helpful enough...this is someone's elderly dad.

Man. Not mad!

So, nearly every comment you have engaged with is one that supports your dad. I think you've made up your mind already - good luck . I am astounded that your father is willing to allow your willingness to care for him to disrupt your own and more importantly your dd life in this way. I adored my late father, but he was insistent that he did not impinge on our family life in such a negative way.

@Zebracat

Hi. I wonder if this is actually a house problem maybe you need a different property where your Dad can come and go without disrupting the whole house and where the boundaries are clearer so if he bought a bigger house with a dedicated space for him and you paid the same rent . I’m just wondering if your husband feels. beholden. But I would tell him that you are very willing to look for a more comfortable arrangement, but he must stop the rudeness. Actually that’s for both of them.

Thanks Zebra, this would be my dream, but need a million+ in our neck of the woods, and have to be close by because my mum has terminal cancer and I’m with her a bit most days. And DH needs the station to London. Which is why I keep coming back to thinking just fuck off DH, rent yourself a flat and see Dd everyday while I try to manoeuvre this hellhole that is elderly, divorced, sick parents! A bit dramatic I know

Your husband is disgusting for calling him a cint and saying he smells. Disgusting.

Equally your father may be elderly but he is also selfish. Okay he wants to live abroad. Okay he doesnt want to live in his house because he needs the rental income.

However I think that when you start getting elderly you also have a duty to organise yourself so you arent actively making your kids lives difficult. In his case, that means either coming over less often, or selling up abroad and moving closer to home.

I think both men in this situation are behaving quite selfishly and no wonder you are torn. You need to have an honest conversation with both

Why is your husband so horrible about your dad? Is there a backstory?
It does seem like a lot that he is coming to stay and I can understand your hubby getting annoyed (not that it's any excuse to be so horrible). Could your dad perhaps stay with you once a year and the other times stay in a b&b? Or with other relatives?

When in all of this do you get time for you? Or for you and your husband?

You can’t care for everyone all the time it’s not healthy and you will burn out.

‘he’s a cunt’

Pardon?!
I would be saying goodbye to my husband if he dared to refer to my Father as a cunt!

On a separate note as the house is in your fathers name if he does become chronically unwell or requires a care home (assuming your in the UK) he will have to sell the house to pay for his social care needs. So you may want to get the legal position of the home sorted asap. You have left yourself vulnerable

"Hes 80 years of age!!! 80! What should he be doing, shopping cleaning and cooking all his own meals?"

Well why not-or at least helping in some way?

How does he manage in his own home?

I'm actually quite horrified at how bitter he sounds about your parent. Your dad is an elderly man whose habits are not difficult. I know several families with difficult parents living with them. Your dad doesn't sound difficult. Annoying? Yes but not difficult. Difficult is the man I knew who had dementia and became so rude that his grandkids tiptoed around him. I also don't understand why DH doesn't just permanently move into DD's room if he doesn't like being shifted about and she doesn't sleep in there. If he burns his toast every morning why doesn't someone help him to make his toast? Or get a toaster that makes it obvious which settings would not burn it? I actually find it quite sad that your DH doesn't like talking to your dad bc he likes talking about politics and DH doesn't. The being enthusiastic about DD thing is a nice thing to do and very typical of grandparents in general. I think if he pays towards the food, which he does, then he should be able to consume it. If you don't like how much he eats, allocate a cupboard to him and tell him he can keep all the things he eats there.

Hes 80 years of age!!! 80! What should he be doing, shopping cleaning and cooking all his own meals? Its an 80 year old mad for fuck sake.

He manages the rest of the year when he lives abroad.

I am astounded that your father is willing to allow your willingness to care for him to disrupt your own and more importantly your dd life in this way

He's 80! Actually older, op said early 80s.

It's an elderly man who's starting to decline.

Do you and your husband already sleep in separate rooms? And he calls your dad a cunt!? What!? He’s not lovely he’s a knob. In laws can be tough but come on that’s too much and he’s taking it all out on you, which is completely unfair!

You describe the way your dh speaks about your dad as cruel and nasty

Tbh my dh used to have a tendency to prioritise other people over me. I used to get equally angry. My fil sounds in many ways similar to your father and having him around was a thankless task. Dh also adores him and much as the man has a heart of gold, he is incredibly hard work.

If I had my fil living with me for that length of time, I could imagine having the same feelings and probably also implode. In fact we would be divorced already. As is, dh respects my boundaries and knows the maximum amount of time I can be around him is 5 nights - he wears me out and I am chronically ill. But even if I weren’t, there is no way I could have him in my home, especially knowing I was paying him rent for the dubious pleasure of his being there.

You are supposed to be married to your dh and forsake all others. He is supposed to be your no1. You’ve got your priorities all back to front and are treating your father as some incapable old man, when in reality he’s got all the money he needs to have a wonderful existence without you sacrificing your marriage and your dd’s happiness.

Stop trying to rescue a man, who doesn’t want to be rescued. You are not his surrogate wife because your parents split up.

@Chillyourbeans

Your DH's language isn't exemplary but seeing it from his POV, I'm thinking he comes a very poor 4th on your list of priorities, behind your parents and DD. That's tough to take, it's not something most of us are really looking for in a life partner. I can imagine that when his landlord comes to stay that he feels very much like a nuisance lodger. It's lovely that you care so much about your parents but you need to prioritise your marriage and child more. If you send your DH off to a flat and move in your DF, how will you explain to your DD as she gets older that your relationship with your father was more important than her relationship with her own DF?

I completely agree, but how do I get over what I’m feeling about what he’s said. It hurts. That may be pathetic, and this thread has been SO useful because I get to see the arguments in black and white. My DH deserves a house which is his sanctuary, without imposition or pressure. He is no saint and is bloody hard to live with but it is his house

I'd be heartbroken if my partner spoke about me like this. And I'd be as furious as he sounds if I had to give up my life for a third of the year to accommodate an in-law.

If your DF is such a saint then why can't you explain the situation to him? You may find he cares about his impact on your marriage but is utterly unaware, or equally he might not want to be coddled in a granny flat.

There's a slight whiff of martyrdom. You're all adults, talk it out.

What will you say if your dh tells you tomorrow /soon he wants his df/dm to come and live with you /visit as much-- would your dad accept he can't visit whenever he wants?

@Notimeforaname

He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc I wouldn't let a stranger on the street say that about my dad. Your husband is a disrespectful loser.

I agree. I do understand how he finds it difficult having your dad around for weeks at a time but those words about an old man are vile. Someone may say that about him one day.

Your idea of having dad living in a flat nearby sounds like a good compromise or else limit your dad's trips to you and make them shorter.

@picosandsancerre

On a separate note as the house is in your fathers name if he does become chronically unwell or requires a care home (assuming your in the UK) he will have to sell the house to pay for his social care needs. So you may want to get the legal position of the home sorted asap. You have left yourself vulnerable

That’s the point though, so he can rely on this asset when he needs it. It gives us a lovely house in the meantime, but we know we are only tenants

"He is no saint and is bloody hard to live with but it is his house"

Are you talking about your husband or your father?

@inthekitchensink

Sorry, I’m not keeping up as fast as I would like, everyone has such valid salient points and that’s the crux of the issue! Ok - why DH would say dad is difficult:- he wears his dressing gown downstairs til 11am and burns the toast every single day. He will demolish every snack/biscuit/drop of whisky lying around. We have only one loo and he takes a long time in the bathroom. He sings/humms/talks constantly. He wants to know when the next meal is while he’s eating the previous one. He tells stories we have all heard a million times and doesn’t let you escape til you’ve heard it. He watches the news constantly and tries to discuss it with DH (who hates politics) He will stop you and demand you listen to every wonderful thing DD has done that day and you must be enthusiastic at how amazing she is. He puts the stuff away from the dishwasher in the wrong place.

Wow to me difficult means that he is abusive or sexist or something. He just sounds like a human being with human faults. The more I read the more I agree your husband is the problem here.

Your dad gets market rent for a house he still gets to live in. The both of you get the privilege of paying market rent whilst having a part time lodger. Renting from family or anyone you know closely is always a risk. I would hate being in your husband’s position in this scenario.

@GoldfishParade

Your husband is disgusting for calling him a cint and saying he smells. Disgusting.

Equally your father may be elderly but he is also selfish. Okay he wants to live abroad. Okay he doesnt want to live in his house because he needs the rental income.

However I think that when you start getting elderly you also have a duty to organise yourself so you arent actively making your kids lives difficult. In his case, that means either coming over less often, or selling up abroad and moving closer to home.

I think both men in this situation are behaving quite selfishly and no wonder you are torn. You need to have an honest conversation with both

Thank you Goldfish, I’m going to do this.

That’s the point though, so he can rely on this asset when he needs it. It gives us a lovely house in the meantime, but we know we are only tenants so no security for your family?