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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

463 replies

inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 20:01

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

OP posts:
BuddyRun · 08/10/2020 21:27

Consider it this way: you're suggesting DD loses her father so you can have yours. That's selfish, pure and simple. Forget what DH and DF want, you should be putting DD first - and she needs DH there every day more than you need DF there far too fucking much

Peace92 · 08/10/2020 21:28

Sorry but I feel like if your DH loves you he should support you.The way your DH talks about your dad is DISGUSTING I wouldn't put up with that.He should have enough respect for you to not talk about your Dad like that regardless of him staying over for too long.

Vivi0 · 08/10/2020 21:28

@chatterbugmegastar

Sadly , *@inthekitchensink* , you are the main problem here

You aren't dealing with the issues and imo your DD is suffering because of this

Your father should stay elsewhere, close by, when he comes to the UK

Sadly , as it's his house , he probably feels it's his right to stay with you

Yet another issue you haven't dealt with Hmm

I agree.

You don’t have a DH problem OP, your DH has a DW problem.

None of this is fair on your DH. And, most importantly, it is not fair on your DD.

purpleme12 · 08/10/2020 21:28

@GoldfishParade

The solution is you move out of your fathers house and rent your own place.

Then your dad can move back to the UK and live in your (his) current house.

This is clearly the best thing to do with this problem
PowPurry · 08/10/2020 21:28

He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc

If my DH talked about my dad like that, I don’t think I could ever look at him the same way.
I doubt anyone revels at the thought of their in-laws staying for a prolonged period of time, but openly talking about your dad like that is terrible.

I would have a serious discussion with your dad about what he wants to do long term. Him moving closer will be the best case scenario for all involved. You get to care for him as he gets older, but on terms that suit your family.

Original poster
inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 21:28

@GoldfishParade

The solution is you move out of your fathers house and rent your own place.

Then your dad can move back to the UK and live in your (his) current house.

I have offered this repeatedly, he wants the rental income and will not live in it. If we move, then he will rent it out. Which is an option to explore.
OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 08/10/2020 21:30

I can see why you’re H find the visits stressful, but I could not bear someone calling my dad a cunt or saying he smells Sad

Not to be morbid, but your dad might not be around for long. It’s not like your H has to put up with this for the rest of his life.

I think you need to communicate better though. Why can you not talk your H about how the language he uses makes you feel? I think your fear or confrontation has made this all harder than it should be

Everywherethatmarywent · 08/10/2020 21:30

My grandmother is like a mother to me, if my dh called her a cunt it would be the end of the relationship I’m afraid.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/10/2020 21:30

How will him owning your home work if he required residential care? I've no idea how owning property and care home fees work BTW.

BorderlineHappy · 08/10/2020 21:30

Your first priority is to your dd and your dh.

Of course your dh vents to you,its better than him losing the head and and going off at your df.

What are you going to do when your dd gets to old to be sharing with you.And wants her own space.

This needs to be sorted now,before your dh leaves and to be fair i wouldnt blame him.

Hats off to him for sticking for this long.

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2020 21:31

Definitely speak with your dad op.
Talk about the prospects of him moving back...would he consider it? A small place nearby would be a great idea,is this affordable?

And also speak with your husband. Tell him about the different opinions you've had here and let him know to never speak about your father like that again.

Everywherethatmarywent · 08/10/2020 21:31

Will you receive your dads house when he passes away?

giantangryrooster · 08/10/2020 21:31

@BuddyRun

Consider it this way: you're suggesting DD loses her father so you can have yours. That's selfish, pure and simple. Forget what DH and DF want, you should be putting DD first - and she needs DH there every day more than you need DF there far too fucking much
Blunt, but true.
Original poster
inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 21:32

@PowPurry

He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc

If my DH talked about my dad like that, I don’t think I could ever look at him the same way.
I doubt anyone revels at the thought of their in-laws staying for a prolonged period of time, but openly talking about your dad like that is terrible.

I would have a serious discussion with your dad about what he wants to do long term. Him moving closer will be the best case scenario for all involved. You get to care for him as he gets older, but on terms that suit your family.

This is exactly what I can’t quite come to terms with. It’s cruel and nasty. If I try to sit down and discuss a way going forward (bearing in mind I do actually love my dad immensely and want to see him) he just snaps that he’s a cunt and can fuck off.
OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/10/2020 21:32

If my dh called my dad a cunt then I would divorce him

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2020 21:33

Can you not see your father is driving your dh to distraction? He’s charging you market rent for a house he lives in 30+% of the time. (And no, I don’t think the distribution of money In your update is fair).He does nothing to fit into the household, steals your food, alcohol and thinks you should be waiting on him hand and foot. I am not surprised your dh is beside himself. The way your father treats you is beyond rude. Yet you think he walks on water and are thinking of ending your marriage for it. Wow.

As someone has just said, you don’t have a dh problem. Your dh has a dw problem.

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2020 21:33

Not to be morbid, but your dad might not be around for long. It’s not like your H has to put up with this for the rest of his life

I'm thinking this too. And he probably shouldn't be living abroad alone if hes starting to decline.

DeciduousPerennial · 08/10/2020 21:34

If this was about a “difficult, critical, and cantankerous” MIL staying for 2-3 weeks several times a year and OP being absolutely at the end of her rope because of it, being turned out of her bedroom and office every visit, and venting to her husband as a result of continually putting on a polite and helpful face to said MIL she would a) be roundly told the name calling was awful and a step too far but b) not surprising in the circumstances when she’s been pushed so far by a husband who won’t listen to her, and won’t change anything, and almost everyone would be telling her to LTB.

You’ve given what you supposedly believe your husband would say is his side of things. But that description of your dad doesn’t tie in at all with “difficult, critical, and cantankerous”. The description you gave is more like “irksome, oblivious, and annoying”. I can’t help but think that he would say something VERY different and, even now, your blinkers are so tight you can’t admit just how dysfunctional this entire situation is, and how much your husband is struggling. How long have these visits been going on?

You married your husband. Not your father. Familial duty can cause enormous friction when parents start to age and spouses aren’t on the same page about future care needs or expectations. But this isn’t that. Not yet. This is bog standard in-law friction, but - unusually for MN - not your in-laws. Yes, you have worries about the future looming, but it’s the visits that are happening NOW that are causing ALL the current problems, and therefore the future worries. That is what you need to fix, and make no mistake, it is you that needs to fix it by taking charge and stopping seeing yourself as an inert bystander without any agency or control. You are not a hapless victim here, you are the only one who can start to fix it, and I cannot believe that your solution is divorce!

Pull yourself together and start having some hard conversations. Put boundaries in place. With both of them. Start talking about what is and is not acceptable, and what is and is not feasible, doable, and achievable. Have deadlines, and hold people to account. And for the love of god, start saying no sometimes!

Sirzy · 08/10/2020 21:34

@Notimeforaname

Not to be morbid, but your dad might not be around for long. It’s not like your H has to put up with this for the rest of his life

I'm thinking this too. And he probably shouldn't be living abroad alone if hes starting to decline.

But maybe he wants to live abroad?

My MIL lives abroad and has made it very clear she has no intentions of moving back here no matter what

Zebracat · 08/10/2020 21:34

Hi. I wonder if this is actually a house problem maybe you need a different property where your Dad can come and go without disrupting the whole house and where the boundaries are clearer so if he bought a bigger house with a dedicated space for him and you paid the same rent . I’m just wondering if your husband feels. beholden. But I would tell him that you are very willing to look for a more comfortable arrangement, but he must stop the rudeness. Actually that’s for both of them.

averythinline · 08/10/2020 21:35

Your dad should buy/rent a flat nearby...the length of the visits....the owning/renting of your house
You are too enmeshed and probably can't see the tree's for the wood..
Your dh is being very unpleasant but your relationship with your df sounds quite unhealthy..

Have you gone for a similar character as a partner? Ot does sound like some more therapy maybe helpful

Original poster
inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 21:35

@Everywherethatmarywent

Will you receive your dads house when he passes away?
I very much doubt it, there is a long family history of dementia and strokes and care homes which of course would use everything he has financially. As I obviously won’t be able to take him in to look after him despite everything.
OP posts:
purpleme12 · 08/10/2020 21:36

I reckon your dad's done more than wear dressing gown for a long time and hum a lot etc if your dh is calling him a cunt...
Esp bearing in mind what you said yourself in your OP
(But I don't condone calling him a cunt)

mallowa · 08/10/2020 21:37

It does sound as though he's overstaying his welcome, could you put a max of 7-8 days per visit? That's quite a long time anyway.

But that said the names your husband calls him are appalling and I would be questioning whether or not he's the person for you, nobody should speak about your father or anyone else in this manner, it's really horrid behaviour. Particularly it shows he's disrespecting you as well as your father, because if he loves you he would make allowances, or if he's that unhappy leave the house for a week or two.

What's he like the rest of the time? Is he hand on heart always a nice guy?

Chillyourbeans · 08/10/2020 21:37

Your DH's language isn't exemplary but seeing it from his POV, I'm thinking he comes a very poor 4th on your list of priorities, behind your parents and DD. That's tough to take, it's not something most of us are really looking for in a life partner. I can imagine that when his landlord comes to stay that he feels very much like a nuisance lodger. It's lovely that you care so much about your parents but you need to prioritise your marriage and child more. If you send your DH off to a flat and move in your DF, how will you explain to your DD as she gets older that your relationship with your father was more important than her relationship with her own DF?