Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

There’s nowhere for her husband’s parents to be stashed if they come to live in their rented house. And that’s if they still live there once the landlord has to cash in his assets for care.
And if they want to.

@ivykaty44

Send your dh to an Airbnb Monday-Friday whilst your dad visits

He gets to wor and live somewhere else During the week and home at the weekends

Why shouldn't OP's dh be able to live in his own home?

OP the way you speak of your dh versus your dad, you are either deeply in FOG or there are too many men in your marriage.

I had an uncle and aunt who divorced. When she became terminally ill - some 15 years after the divorce - he moved back into her house and looked after her. They were in their late 70s when this happened. When she died, he moved back into his own home.

I don't suppose your parents are likely to be able to do anything like this? Your dad staying at your mum's rather than at yours?

I get a vibe they both want “their way”. Subconsciously or consciously they want you to pick. I can see why your husband it annoyed, your dad is there a lot. Like a lot of people lm guessing he works hard and wants to relax at without feeling pushed out. Part of the reason l divorced my first husband was his god awful parents -especially his mother. They lived abroad, were wealthy and would rock up for 3 weeks at a time being demanding. We owned the house and paid 50/50 yet they thought they could take over. They didn’t like it when l put down boundaries

Sounds like your dad has you over a barrel, and uses his money to his advantage and holds you forever in his compliment.
He’s no better judging your DH then your DH judges him. They cancel each other out in saying mean things.
No one has to live in London, we all make compromises, and live where we can afford.
I’m sorry but your dad uses you.
Your DH is fed up.

OP, well done you for taking lots of advice and comments, some of which must have been sore, so calmly. I think your new plan is a good one, good luck

So your dad paid for your rent in London so hat HE had a place to stay (I imagine he assumed he could come and go whenever he wanted since i was HIM who paid the rent), he owns the house where you live in, you pay him market rent but might end up homeless if the he needs to go to a care home; he spends 30% of the year there (and your husband and your daughter need to move rooms, you do everything for him and he's pretty much doing everything he want; OK, he's 80 now, but was he like this 3 years ago? 5 years ago? 10 years ago?); your dad pays for your flights to travel to see him (does your husband - or you have any say about going somewhere else? or is it assumed you WILL go to visit your father since he's paying for you to go?) . Did your husband actually wanted/had a choice about this house, or was it bought BY YOUR FATHER so that YOU can be the carer of your mother? How about other things, shopping, eating out, choosing what to have for dinner etc does he actually have a choice or is it always what your dad wants "since he pays" and you are very happy to accept it - as it has always been like this for you. I really wouldn't like to be in his position, to be honest. Too much money thrown around and accepted by you, but with plenty of strings attached.

On the other hand, your husband shouldn't say horrible words when talking about your dad as obviously this won't help his "cause" and make you sympathetic to his position, understandingly.

When your dad isn’t around how is your relationship. Take him out the equation and do you still want to be with your DH? Does he support you in other areas of your life?

OP- whilst I cannot excuse your DH’s language, I cannot entirely blame him and think you have been just as unreasonable in your behaviour. You say you are hurt about his behaviour and lack of care for your feelings- and I can understand why. Have you considered that your husband is also hurt that you have little regard for his needs and that you place him a very distant 4th in your priorities?

I don’t know what the solution is, but frankly I’m not sure if I could put up with what you demand if your husband.

@MrsNotNice

hereyehearye

I agree.

And I’m very shocked at all the comments vilifying Nd the husband, when if they roles were reversed it will almost certainly be in support of the wife over the ageing mother in law... And blind eyes turning to any name calling if she had pushed boundaries...

DM had a similar arrangement with her DF giving her a house to live in temporarily but as a consequence would barge in without notice and passive aggressively make my father feel very patronised.

My father should’ve manned up and got himself a home but my DM didn’t do herself any favors sticking up for her father as a sinless victim out of gratitude for his gifts with strings attached. She lost her marriage while continuously vilifying my dad for being so mean.

He continues to be passive aggressive and with time she realised that none of them was an angel. But the real solution was her to put boundaries to save her relationship..

She is suffering and so are we her kids.

Really, your dad doesn’t sound like a saint. You need to tell him politely:

“Dad I know you love me and mean well, but please be more appreciative and positive around DH as he is being supportive of me accommodating you and I owe him to say that to you “.

And go to your DH and say
“I know you don’t mean to hurt me, but please realise that calling my father names is unacceptable. However, I know he is no saint nhs it’s very hard for you to accommodate him and I’m really appreciative of that and hope I can make it up to you when your parents are in need of us one day”

Sorry I know there are loads of really important posters I have missed out, but just wanted to say thanks for this one. Having some useful things I can phrase in my head to say to them is hugely helpful & really appreciated, thank you.

@Notimeforaname

and in particular if boundaries had been put in pace by op right from the start - I'm afraid she's reaping what she's sown

So the husband is free to call the shots now, say what goes and when the father can come, beacause he doesn't like how op handles her dads visits......yet he brought and does not bring any help or solutions.

Not much of a partner.
Just a disrespectful crank who complains.

If hes so concerned he would speak like an adult and try to find an alternative solution. But in this partnership...op needs to "reap what she's sown " and sort it out herself. Nice.

At no time did I suggest the husband called the shots! You are projecting your bias onto my statement. Op needs to look at ALL BOUNDARIES , that includes her own , her fathers and her husband's . It's pretty obvious that things are not working as they are . This has obviously been going on for some time, if she's not happy she needs to get a grip on the situation , however she decides to proceed

@EarlGreyJenny

OP, well done you for taking lots of advice and comments, some of which must have been sore, so calmly. I think your new plan is a good one, good luck

Thanks, I really didn’t know what to think one way or another, have just been on a rollercoaster of emotions so I’m happy to see ideas, strategies & arguments all laid out in black and white

I loved my ex PIL so much
A weekend in the same house with the was more than enough...

Hardbackwriter

I completely agree !!! Completely !

I don't think I'd want my own parents around that much, never mind an in-law whose daughter describes him as difficult and cantankerous.

While your DH's comments are unkind, if your father is massively critical and has poor hygiene I can see why several weeks of visit is too much.

Can you say to your dad that there's generally space, DD needs her own room as she's getting bigger and DH needs his office, some local flat or hotel would be better? You could still see him plenty but could go to his/meet him out and give your DH a break. And even if he did come over, having him go away at the end of the visit will make the whole thing much less intrusive than having dad there 24/7 for weeks on end.

@jacks11

OP- whilst I cannot excuse your DH’s language, I cannot entirely blame him and think you have been just as unreasonable in your behaviour. You say you are hurt about his behaviour and lack of care for your feelings- and I can understand why. Have you considered that your husband is also hurt that you have little regard for his needs and that you place him a very distant 4th in your priorities?

I don’t know what the solution is, but frankly I’m not sure if I could put up with what you demand if your husband.

Fair point, but he could always talk to me about it. I suppose I feel that I’ve not been a priority for him at any point, it seems me and my family are a burden to him.

@inthekitchensink but you say yourself you've not really talked to him!!!

I feel that I’ve not been a priority for him at any point, it seems me and my family are a burden to him.. Does your df voice this to you?

OP, you’ve had a lot of good advice here. Just want to say sorry you are having such a hard time. Caring for a terminally ill parent and balancing the divergent demands of two loved one and being a mother all adds up to a lot of demands upon you. None of that is easy. You sound like you are doing all you can to keep everyone happy but I second the poster who Said you have two selfish men making demands of you and they both need to make changes. You sound like a lovely, caring and thoroughly unselfish person. You deserve to be considered the way you are considering everyone else.

@LG101

When your dad isn’t around how is your relationship. Take him out the equation and do you still want to be with your DH? Does he support you in other areas of your life?

If I’m not unwell, sad, or in anyway in need of help then it’s A Ok 👌 Which does not augur well for the future. However it’s a nice life, he is funny, tidy, handsome, clever, works hard, is well liked. He is grumpy, belligerent, critical and does exactly what he wants when he wants. I’m beginning to see what’s been said about marrying my father

[quote purpleme12]@inthekitchensink but you say yourself you've not really talked to him!!![/quote]
I have before, many times, I just haven’t brought up the latest visit (dad left a week ago) We have discussed setting a fortnight visit limit (I did it) meal planning and asking for a contribution so all food didn’t disappear, and if we could spend more time out than in with DD ( we went away for two nights) so I tried with those boundaries but it needs to be worked out a lot deeper than those first measures we implemented

Fair point, but he could always talk to me about it. I suppose I feel that I’ve not been a priority for him at any point, it seems me and my family are a burden to him. His words have been unkind, but he has made his feelings known. I'm sure his comments about your DDad have gotten worse over time as his frustration has grown.

@paddypants

OP, you’ve had a lot of good advice here. Just want to say sorry you are having such a hard time. Caring for a terminally ill parent and balancing the divergent demands of two loved one and being a mother all adds up to a lot of demands upon you. None of that is easy. You sound like you are doing all you can to keep everyone happy but I second the poster who Said you have two selfish men making demands of you and they both need to make changes. You sound like a lovely, caring and thoroughly unselfish person. You deserve to be considered the way you are considering everyone else.

Thank you paddy, that’s really nice. Sadly I think people are right in that I brought this on myself by being codependent, terrible at confrontation and communication, not laying down boundaries early enough, and not knowing where my loyalties lie. I’m going to try to change this

In my experience communication is the most important thing in a relationship and often why relationships break down

@TitianaTitsling

I feel that I’ve not been a priority for him at any point, it seems me and my family are a burden to him.. Does your df voice this to you?

No he hasn’t, but it feels like it to me sometimes. Maybe just overtired & over emotional