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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

463 replies

inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 20:01

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 08/10/2020 22:37

Yet he gets to decide that his parents can come to live if/when they need ot. But OPs dad cannot. Hmm

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 08/10/2020 22:38

If i was your dh I would have moved out by now. I couldn't stand someone that irritated me so much coming to stay every few months for a few weeks at a time, also knowing that he owns my house, and ill probably have to leave when he dies or before it.

TitianaTitsling · 08/10/2020 22:38

tellingly he always paid my rent so he had somewhere to come stay in London so not for you, to make life easier for him?

GetTheDoorFrank · 08/10/2020 22:38

If my partner said those things about my dad id tell him that he was to leave and not come back. How horrible of your dh to say those things. I can bet he wouldnt like it if it were you saying those things about his df instead

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2020 22:40

If i was your dh I would have moved out by now
But the husband said his parents can come to live with them. But not ops dad. How is this husband being fair?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/10/2020 22:40

@Notimeforaname

Yet he gets to decide that his parents can come to live if/when they need ot. But OPs dad cannot. Hmm
Theoretically he "can" decide. Doesn't really look like though with DF owning the house, does it...
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2020 22:40

As a landlord and owner of a small portfolio of properties, I totally agree with what greyblueeyes said. There is no way on gods green earth I would treat my child and any future grandchildren the way your father is treating you. As she says, you are far too enmeshed to see it.

Your father is using you and you are too immeshed to see it. You are going to destroy your marriage for your father, and your husband sees this, but is too powerless to do anything to change it. I imagine his hurt is coming out as anger. No that’s not ok, but I would imagine he’s had enough of this bs

You do realize you could be left virtually homeless if your current home has to be sold for care home fees, right? Do you also see your father is clearly ok with that happening to his daughter, son in law and grandchild? Please think about that. That’s not love. It’s control.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/10/2020 22:40

Gifts come with bows, not strings. He's helped you out with accommodation for a long time, but with the added bonus that it's suited him. Therapy still has an awful lot still to pick through. And I think your DH's pissing against to the wind here.

CJsGoldfish · 08/10/2020 22:41

Erm, no. They are only tenants in the house. The OP said her father bought the house ”so he can rely on this asset when he needs it. It gives us a lovely house in the meantime, but we know we are only tenants”
The OP and her husband are not benefiting from this arrangement. They are paying market rent and the OP will not be inheriting the property. The only person truly benefiting from this arrangement is the OP’s father

I went back to confirm that yes, her dh was happy enough to ask her father to buy the house and OP confirms her father has helped them financially. So yeah, he's ok to take.

EarlGreyJenny · 08/10/2020 22:41

@Hardbackwriter completely agree. Interesting that her dad's behaviour is more easily overlooked. Even the title of the thread is biased.

SoulofanAggron · 08/10/2020 22:41

So, let DD and her loving, involved father move out and rent a home, and you can see her every day in between looking after your parents.

@FubsyRambler Really? Confused

How’s your relationship with your DHs mother? Is she aged ? Do you mind her coming staying over for weeks at a time few times a year

@MrsNotNice I think it's different because DF doesn't live in the UK. That's why he has to stay for longer.

I think your dad deserves care. And your DH deserves to feel secure without intrusion.. and I think you need to find it in you to make that happen for them both.. otherwise you might want to call it a day on ur marriage because of your own shortcomings..

'Shortcomings' is a bit of a strong way to put it. We can only work with what we have in front of us, play the hand we're dealt. There's only so much OP can do to juggle the various things. I mean, some people wouldn't ever have their dad over from abroad (though they maybe would feel even more of an obligation if their dad had provided the roof over their head.)

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2020 22:43

So hes happy for his fil to buy the house. Hes happy to take the free holidays abroad from his fil ..hes happy for his parents to come and live if they need to ..but ops father is a cunt and not to be there for even a three week period...Hmm

VinylDetective · 08/10/2020 22:43

@im5050

My dad is a cantankerous miserable old get But I love him and think a a lot of him . My husband also thinks he a cantankerous miserable old get as well but he visits him 3-4 times a week takes him out for meal if I’m not around and helps him out will do DIY for him and generally treats him like his own dad He will do this because he loves me and he knows it’s important to me Your husbands a prick
Exactly this. Mine did exactly the same.

I can’t imagine what kind of man adds to the pressure on his wife when she’s trying to look after her terminally ill mother and her deteriorating father in the middle of a pandemic. Especially when he’s extracted a promise from her that his parents will be looked after when the time comes.

Strangerasher · 08/10/2020 22:45

Op I've not read the thread.
I adored my dad and he was very hard work to live with.
My dh would never be so shallow to complain about old man's smell... My dh didn't complain but I could see the stress was rather too much.

You need some compromise.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2020 22:45

@im5050

My dad is a cantankerous miserable old get But I love him and think a a lot of him . My husband also thinks he a cantankerous miserable old get as well but he visits him 3-4 times a week takes him out for meal if I’m not around and helps him out will do DIY for him and generally treats him like his own dad He will do this because he loves me and he knows it’s important to me Your husbands a prick
Visiting someone, doing odd jobs for them in their home or going out for a bite to eat with them is rather different from living with them 30+% of the time. This is a false comparison.

It makes me wonder how many of the people responding on this thread get the difference. This post is a classic example of someone, who is failing to see it. As my fil lives abroad, I do get it as seeing him necessitates several overnight stays.

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2020 22:46

I can’t imagine what kind of man adds to the pressure on his wife when she’s trying to look after her terminally ill mother and her deteriorating father in the middle of a pandemic. Especially when he’s extracted a promise from her that his parents will be looked after when the time comes

Completely agree.
This thread has made me so sad. Cant stop thinking of my own parents and when this time inevitably rolls around for me.

badtime · 08/10/2020 22:47

I genuinely facepalmed when I read your most recent comment, OP. You're still seeking your father's approval. He's still providing you with accommodation so he'll have somewhere to stay and then acting like he's doing you a favour. Your husband really does have a DW problem. I rather suspect that you know your father is being unreasonable, but you can't even admit it to yourself.

Mydogmylife · 08/10/2020 22:47

Sorry op, the fact your dad always paid your rent 'so he had somewhere to stay' to me smacks of control and suiting himself, and he has carried this habit through into your marriage. If he has plenty money as you say I really don't understand why he has arranged his financial affairs the way he has. None of the arrangement is tax efficient as you describe it ( in my previous life I was an estate tax lawyer) , nor does it help for any non resident tax planning, all it seems to do is keep you and your family in a vulnerable position, and gives your father a rather large amont of control over you. Not, I venture to suggest the actions of a caring parent/grandparent.
Please ,as you have indicated you will , have a good long look at your boundaries and consider carefully your daughters security.

Hardbackwriter · 08/10/2020 22:47

[quote EarlGreyJenny]@Hardbackwriter completely agree. Interesting that her dad's behaviour is more easily overlooked. Even the title of the thread is biased. [/quote]
I think that's quite common if you have a really complicated relationship with a parent, that people get into a state of denial that they just can't risk breaking because it's too painful. I've seen it particularly with absentee dads; some of the people I know who are most insistent that their dad is amazing are people who, from an outside perspective, were more or less abandoned by their dads as children. OP has clearly spent a long time enmeshing herself in a narrative that her dad is amazing, devoted, generous, and questioning that is very hard because it throws her own self-image into question. It's actually a lot easier to change your view of a husband, someone who came into your life when you were an adult and so who isn't part of the foundations of your own story in the same way as a parent.

Vivi0 · 08/10/2020 22:49

@CJsGoldfish

Erm, no. They are only tenants in the house. The OP said her father bought the house ”so he can rely on this asset when he needs it. It gives us a lovely house in the meantime, but we know we are only tenants” The OP and her husband are not benefiting from this arrangement. They are paying market rent and the OP will not be inheriting the property. The only person truly benefiting from this arrangement is the OP’s father

I went back to confirm that yes, her dh was happy enough to ask her father to buy the house and OP confirms her father has helped them financially. So yeah, he's ok to take.

Does the DH have a choice though, or is he just going along with it so the OP can remain enmeshed with her father.

OP has said her father has always paid her rent, so he has somewhere to stay when he visits, and was doing this before she met her DH.

It doesn’t sound like the DH has much of a choice in anything.

Mydogmylife · 08/10/2020 22:49

@Hardbackwriter
I completely agree

ivykaty44 · 08/10/2020 22:49

Send your dh to an Airbnb Monday-Friday whilst your dad visits

He gets to wor and live somewhere else During the week and home at the weekends

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2020 22:51

I also completely agree with what Hardbackwriter has said. But op is not engaging in posts unsupportive of her her narrative. FOG perhaps?

EarlGreyJenny · 08/10/2020 22:51

@ivykaty44

Send your dh to an Airbnb Monday-Friday whilst your dad visits

He gets to wor and live somewhere else During the week and home at the weekends

Wtf? Send your dad to the Airbnb. Would you do that to your kids?
Original poster
inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 22:51

There’s a lot for me to think about here, thank you everyone. This is what I’m planning to do.

  1. back my DH more and move on from what he has said - he needs his home & family and I need to stop wavering in my commitment to our family.
  2. tell DH the way he talk about Dad is unacceptable, and to find someone else to vent to
  3. tell dad no more home visits, he needs to rent a flat or a hotel from now on
  4. get some therapy to deal with my horrifically entrenched codependency and FOG
  5. check out semi independent living for the future for dad near by
  6. see if DH and I can reconnect, I have suggested couples counselling but he has refused. I think it would help us as I am terrible at communication as you can tell!
  7. tell dad he has to find a way to release any money he has, so he can have himself a proper retirement and a base to call home without foisting himself on family in too small houses
  8. try not to have a total breakdown
OP posts:
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