Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

perhaps this is a cultural thing but in large parts of Europe (including my won country) and elsewhere many parts of the world - elderly parents tend to move in with their grown-up children once they become frail. I work on the same assumption with my parents and DP has been told that this is a red line for me. It doesn't mean that I think it'll be much fun - but who else will take care of them. So if you father is willing then a flat nearby might be a good compromise.

@TitianaTitsling

That’s the point though, so he can rely on this asset when he needs it. It gives us a lovely house in the meantime, but we know we are only tenants so no security for your family?

This statement is incredibly telling, OP. Your father is using you, and you are too immeshed to see it. You are going to destroy your marriage for your father, and your husband sees this but is powerless to do anything to change it. I imagine that his hurt is coming out as anger. No, that's not ok, but i would imagine that he's had enough of this bs.

You do realize that you could be left virtually homeless if your current home has to be sold for care home fees, right? Do you also see that your father is clearly ok with that happening to his daughter, son in law and grandchild? Please think about that. That's not love. Its control.

You need to go back to therapy. ASAP. Both individual and couples if you want to have any semblance of a healthy relationship with your husband and daughter.

What makes your dad say your DP bullies you?

@inthekitchensink

So sorry to hear what you’re going through. Sounds relentless. And sorry to hear about your Mum.

My question is... what on earth happens to you and your daughter if you can no longer stay in the house?

It’s in your Dad’s name and you’re paying him rent. I know it’s a better house than you could have afforded yourself, but at least you would have been paying off a mortgage rather than all the money going to your Dad... and nothing in your name to call home.

You mentioned the family history of dementia and how the house could likely be taken in order to pay for his care, should the time come.

It’s a huge risk. What will you do if your Dad’s assets are taken to pay for his care? Where will you live?

VinylDetective actually being someone who had a father in a care home and deals with these in my current role - costs can be very high. Folks that think otherwise are naive. I know someone whose care package is half a million a year. My point and I will say again is linking it to the home- this is the OPs fathers and may need to be sold to pay for care. Unless he has pots of money available if he ends up in care he may need to take equity requires remortgaging which at 80 there going to likely say no...

@Plussizejumpsuit

Your husband sounds awful. Does he have his parents around?

His parents are around, but ten years younger (my parents had me late in life for that generation) He would have his parents living with us like a shot if/when they needed it, it’s all been discussed. I would too - they are great and very lucky in that respect

no wonder her DP flipped (although it must have hurt).

@EarlGreyJenny It's not a one off flip though, sounds like he's slagged OP's dad off to her on numerous occasions.

I have a very strong feeling that there is more to it than you are either willing to say or you are in denial about it. You say your dad is critical etc, but then you name out just relatively mild issues.

It looks like you decided and just wanted some "confirmation" here.

This is why, in the past, one daughter stayed unmarried to devote her life to the care of her parents. In my family there were three daughters who did that last century.
So, let DD and her loving, involved father move out and rent a home, and you can see her every day in between looking after your parents.

He thinks your DH bullies you? Does he?

Maybe that's why he likes to come over a lot and keep an eye on things and it's probably why he won't sign the house over to you while your married.

Can I please ask OP.

How’s your relationship with your DHs mother? Is she aged ?

Do you mind her coming staying over for weeks at a time few times a year. And to be critical and difficult and push boundaries?

You can only expect from your DH what you are willing to put up with.

I think the real issue is that you need to find your voice and draw a reasonable boundary for both men. I think you are deflecting anger on your DH and he is lashing out because he feels used.

I think your dad deserves care. And your DH deserves to feel secure without intrusion.. and I think you need to find it in you to make that happen for them both.. otherwise you might want to call it a day on ur marriage because of your own shortcomings..

What happens if your dad decides he's perfectly happy with how things are, him flying in regularly and staying in a house he owns for a few weeks at a time? Will you just bend to his decision? Will your DH get the "fuck off" conversation you mentioned earlier?

I think they are both right. I have a duty to my dad in his old age, DH is not being nice to me (or him - albeit not to his face) and they both deserve better than the current situation.

But OP, what your dad expects of you is not just "having a duty to him in his old age." It is you actively screwing over your family. Your financial security, your marriage, your relationship with your child. This is not healthy or normal. This is way beyond either of those things.

This man won't even sign this house over to you! You have no security at all. Yet he has money and seems to just go back and forth from your home to his. And he still expects you to arrange you entire life and that of your family around his whims.

@SoulofanAggron

no wonder her DP flipped (although it must have hurt).

@EarlGreyJenny It's not a one off flip though, sounds like he's slagged OP's dad off to her on numerous occasions.

Probably because the OP’s father has stayed with them for extended periods of time on numerous occasions and the DH has no say in the matter.

OP you can’t make both men happy. Have you considered therapy or something to work out why you put up with your father’s behaviour? It does rather sound as though you’ve been brought up by one man who is a bit of an arse and fallen for another man who is a bit of an arse.

In general I would say, from your posts, which leave a huge amount out, your DH sounds like he has put up with a lot and been brought to breaking point to the extent there’s probably no way to have your father in the house at all in a way that’s fair on him. Spouses should not have to put up with cantankerous critical in-laws for weeks at a time. He should have insisted on stricter boundaries way earlier and you should have respected them and protected him from your father Rather than pushing him to accept the abuse. But you can’t turn back time so now you need to live with the fact your DH is apparently unable to be reasonable about your father because he’s had to put up with too much abuse for too long. That he is now turning that abuse on to you by bad mouthing your father viciously is also bad. It also seems unfair that your DD has to put up with a cantankerous, critical person in her home for weeks at a time.

In many ways the responsible and fair thing for you to do, if you think your DH would be able to stop slagging your father off, is tell your father he can’t stay at your home anymore and that he has to stop being abusive around you if he wants to see you at all.

But then I think you are a woman surrounded by men who take their emotions out on others. Have you considered ditching them both?

@SoulofanAggron

I'm not excusing the way DP delivered it but no wonder he feels that way. The more OP says, the clearer it is that the dad is being pretty difficult.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I have a very strong feeling that there is more to it than you are either willing to say or you are in denial about it. You say your dad is critical etc, but then you name out just relatively mild issues.

It looks like you decided and just wanted some "confirmation" here.

Me too - and the one very concrete fact the OP has given, the situation with the house and rent, paints the father in a very different light to the 'oh he can be a bit annoying because he burns the toast' stuff.

He would have his parents living with us like a shot if/when they needed it, it’s all been discussed
Wtf?? I dont understand.

Your dad is like a tiny thorn sticking in your dhs side. To you it just looks like a small splinter and you can't see what the fuss is about. To your dh, it's really annoying at best, and unbearably painful at worst, preventing him from feeling comfortable, getting rest, and being able to think clearly.

You think it's just your dad, he's harmless, what's the fuss about. But underneath the surface, sepsis is spreading. It's poisoning your marriage.

If you want to see if your marriage is worth saving you first have to remove the thorn. Maybe your dh is miserable anyway. Or you might be able to see a happier, healthier dh and all the joys that marriage can bring.

If your dad truly loves and respects you, then he will accept your request for a break. A parents love for a child should be unconditional. If you are afraid of losing a relationship with your dad because you want space to work on your marriage, then think hard about that. Is that how a father should truly love his daughter? Surely some time apart won't break that bond.

Why not give your marriage a proper chance? Maybe your dh just isn't a nice person, but how can you ever know that if you are hiding behind your dad all the time?

You agree with dh that you will reduce frequency and duration of visits. He agrees that the unacceptable name calling will stop. You get counseling and give your marriage the best shot before giving up.

My dad is a cantankerous miserable old get
But I love him and think a a lot of him .

My husband also thinks he a cantankerous miserable old get as well but he visits him 3-4 times a week takes him out for meal if I’m not around and helps him out will do DIY for him and generally treats him like his own dad
He will do this because he loves me and he knows it’s important to me
Your husbands a prick

His parents can move in but yours can't? Has that been decided?

@Lighthousekeeper27

Could you tell us more about why you have had counselling over your family OP? It feels like you aren't telling the full story here.

Yes, it’s a bit convoluted though. My mum had MH issues & was admitted a few times during my childhood for depression. So I saw a therapist about that years later. There was a bitter divorce later. Dad was the one is always sought approval from, and we were very close, but tellingly he always paid my rent so he had somewhere to come stay in London, and paid for lots of things, so I feel it’s my turn to pay him back ifyswim

My DH would say that he is intrusive, domineering & takes over. That he he has money so why is he staying in our tiny house. That he has been given ample time, opportunity & flexibility to put in the money for a bigger house with an annexe and we would cover the mortgage on top of his deposit. That he is demanding, inflexible, and pushed boundaries.

My dad would say he has done a lot for our family - financially, securing us somewhere to live so we can be near my mum in an expensive area, he rented nearby when I was ill & had PND so he could help with DD, he thinks DH can be ill tempered, grumpy and bullies me

The striking thing here is how similar the description that each would give of the other is. I think this is very likely to be true; that they're both unpleasant in quite similar ways. This would be a very common pattern, marrying a man and recreating a familiar if dysfunctional family dynamic (I note your parents are divorced). What's interesting is how much more willing you are to see your husband's flaws than your father's.

Could you and DH access counselling? I think you need the opportunity to be open and honest. As does he.
To be frank, it seems as though he is powerless in this family. He has no control. He doesn't even get to choose where to go on holiday because your father pays for flights to his home country.

The dynamic between you all is off kilter.
And you need some support to get through this, to stop being the person both of them go to for a whinge about the other. And some help to remind you to put yourself first sometimes, and to take care of yourself during a very difficult time while caring for your mother.

@Hardbackwriter se great level of control in there, isn't it.