Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

[thepeopleversuswork]

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

I think you may be more upset than your DD OP. I don’t think children always think that deeply as we do.
My DS (5) said to me that “someone was chubby” they was infact obese by far. Children will be children and I just explained to him we shouldn’t say things like that because we don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.
So I’m not sure the girl said it to your DD out of spite.

Was your daughter upset by the other childs comment or was she just reporting back as in ' oh so and so said blah blah ".

Its important children understandvabour healthy eating and they will find it easier as they grow up and become in chsrge of what they eat etc if they gave formed good habits when younger . Taking control of your dayghters weight doesnt have to become a big thing. Small changes like smaller portions more veg and an everything in moderation kind of thing. Also exercising more doesnt have to be a right you need to exercise more kind if thing it can be a suggestion to go swimming or lets go for a bike ride etc . Small changes will reap rewards both now and for your child in the future. Good luck with it all

Listen to other PP: help her lose weight positively. If another child has mentioned it it must be significant.

My neighbour's granddaughter is being bullied in her first year of secondary school for being overweight. It's awful for her and this week has refused to go to school. My neighbour is the first to say that it's the girl's parents' fault- and she's right. The bullying is being dealt with by the school but the weight issue is her parents' responsibility- I see it as a form of neglect as the wee one is very, very fat.

I don’t want her to subjected to that sort of comment which is basically learned misogyny.

Is it? I would say it's pretty standard for children to focus on a feature of another's appearance or personality and comment on it, often hurtfully, whether that's the intention or not. Boys are just as likely as girls to be picked on for perceived imperfections. It's human nature, unfortunately, and school can be a bit of a bear pit, I'm afraid.

Even the government is making it clear being overweight is a serious concern for those who catch covid. A serious discussion about how unhealthy being fat and or obese is is long overdue in this country.

YABU to even think about approaching the girl's parents.

And hopefully the class teacher will smile and nod and wait for you to leave.

Focus on something you can change: your daughter's health and well being which you even admit has deteriorated because you were too busy to stay on top of it, essentially. Instead of pontificating at the school when the problem started at home, YOU talk to her about how detrimental fad diets can be. YOU talk to her about why eating a well balanced diet and a variety of foods is a good idea. YOU talk to her about why daily exercise is important to good health. YOU support your daughter in pursuing a healthy lifestyle. YOU model the behaviour you want your daughter to emulate.

Doesn’t sound like the other girl did anything wrong to me. It doesn’t sound malicious or untruthful.

Please don’t go to school and ‘helpfully suggest’ tell the teacher how to do their job it’s raised in class. The school will already do sessions on healthy eating, mental health and well-being. Plus your daughter will die of embarrassment if the topic is raised specifically after that exchange.

Also diets are not a girl thing. Nor is self image. Young men are under pressure to achieve a perfect figure too and if you don’t think it’s that prevalent, look at any teenage boys Instagram account and see who they follow, ask how many have gym memberships, follow the chicken and rice diet and lift.

I agree that body image is so much more of an issue that it should be and I worry that girls of nine are thinking like this. But I also think the more you make of this the more you turn it into a big deal. I think I would forget it, move on and don't mention it again. But make small changes to manage your daughter's weight and promote eating healthily.

I'm pretty sure my nearly six year old is officially overweight although she doesn't look fat, she is definitely a bit chunkier than some of her friends. So I know it's easier said than done.

Sorry, but I think you're overreacting a bit. It was a throwaway comment made by another child. Not ideal or particularly kind, but that's life sometimes

Schools have, of course, a heck of a lot going on at the moment. It would hardly be a good time to ask them to take action on a non bullying throw away comment.

Which I imagine OP recognises as she's said she won't contact them.

If the other child was being deliberately unkind and your daughter was upset I would definitely raise that with their teacher.

I don't think you will be able to ban the word diet from school though. A 9 year old won't understand the difference between "a good diet" "a healthy diet" and "a diet".

I'd try to talk to your DD positively about it - ok, so we've been eating too much of the wrong things and not doing enough exercise during lockdown, but lets meal plan together and started eating better and being more active to make our bodies healthy.
I'd try to frame it as making choices to help your body be healthy and strong rather than dwell on dieting.

Difficult one. But it is in one's best interests to be a healthy weight....said as someone who has been overweight since age 11 and been through a lot of bullying about it!
Help your daughter to see that her size or weight does not change the content of her character, but also that we only get one body to look after ...
I have just finished reading an amazing amazing book called The Obesity Code by Dr Jason Fung. Cuts through the myths about weight management that have prevailed for decades, and stops the awful restrict/rebel dieting cycle from starting. Please buy it - I think the knowledge would be invaluable to you and your daughter.
Hugs 🤗

How about just a healthy, balanced diet 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Nomorepies

In regards to your update OP- we are facing an obesity epidemic. Everyone is going to get told to go on a diet, including kids. Especially kids. It doesn't have to give you a poor body image if done right. Good eating habits can last a lifetime if started properly.

You're being defensive because this child has told the truth- you don't want to deal with it because it's made you uncomfortable. So you'll dress it up as a bullying complaint, which if your school is woke enough will take at face value and then you're absolved.

No. Children should not be encouraged to dish out advice.

Would it be ok for a nine year old to advice

‘When your older you should get a brace?’

‘When your older you should get your eyes corrected your cross eyed’

It doesn’t matter what weight OP child is, children shouldn’t be dishing out advice on people’s appearance.

It’s rude

Horrible replies on here.

I’ve actually seen threads where children have said to women that they are overweight and it was met with gasps of ‘how rude’ ‘what ab awful child’

Yet OP child is expected to take it ok the chin.

OP talk to the school about it

Maybe it’s her portion size? Dd at this age had 2 friends who were visibly overweight - both from loving homes with conscientious educated parents but their portion sizes were huge! Their packed lunches were literally twice the size of dds (slim) and dd couldn’t finish her meal at either of their houses.

I cannot imagine how embarrassed your poor daughter would feel sorting through that lesson.

Say nothing to school parent.

At 9 it's not normal for children to even think about, let alone notice, weight. It's a sad world we are living in and I really hope your daughter is ok. I know that I'd be really upset if any of my daughters (or sons) told me someone had said this to them.

I’ve actually seen threads where children have said to women that they are overweight and it was met with gasps of ‘how rude’ ‘what ab awful child’

Yes, I've been on those threads. There are plenty of people who respond that children can't be expected to understand the loaded trip wires about fatness.

@twddarylstruelove really? What if they read books and watch TV. I’m often surprised how often the word fat is used. Harry Potter books mentioned up thread.

@ZezetteEpouseX

Going direct to parents often backfires as some parents will defend their child rather than see both sides.

what would you expect parents to do though?
Dealing with bullying is one thing, but in this case I would just tell mine to avoid the child with that mother and not speak with her at all in the future to avoid any offence.

I just wouldn't suggest parents talking to other parents about issues that happen at school. Partly because we all parent differently and place value on different things. Partly because not everyone would engage in this type of conversation in an appropriate manner. Obviously, it might be different if you know the other parent very well, have similar views, etc.

I think I would probably not discuss it with the school. I think context means a lot in primary age children.

My dd is nearly 9 and she would tell you last year I went on a diet, she would also tell you that I went on a diet because I wanted to be healthier and that I lost some weight in the process. For her a diet means exercising if and when you want to and eating better food. If she suggested to another child they might go on a diet I would think it would be because she thinks she's being helpful. I see lots of people saying kids shouldn't know anything about diets but I was overweight and it was bad for my health, surely me going on a diet was better than staying overweight and not letting her know diets exist? I'm not saying the kid wasn't being mean she might well have been. But they do tech them about healthy eating and exercise alot I can see how they might feel very "knowledgeable at that age

@thepeopleversuswork, is it 66%of the population are overweight ? Food is everywhere and a strong culture of snacking all day has been encouraged. Sugar and unprocessed foods are the world's new cigarettes. Other posters have quite rightly pointed to the obesity code. Also look at Michael Mosley's work on YouTube (he's the 5 2 guy but it's he's advice on eating a true Mediterranean, full fat diet and extreme low sugar that will keep us healthy and slim.. Then clear your cupboards of jars, cereals and processed.I mean no "treats" in house and know that phrase, if she's hungry she will eat it, and that needs to be fresh produce, cooked from scratch. No low fat either because this is a myth - it's heavily swapped with sugar which leads to addiction and obesity.

Work out how much you spend on processed food .Change that today , fill house with eat the 🌈 veggies, for her. I've lost 1 stone in a month by understanding this way of eating.

Inbox me if you need support as I'm about to unleash the next chapter on the rest of my family and I know they're going to enjoy as it's been the healthiest I've ever felt!

@positivelynegative I suppose it's because at 9 even if they hear it in a movie, or read it in a book, it's pretty obvious it's being done in a way to put that person down. It's like mentioning anything different about someone, and I have spoken to my children that people are all different from a young age- think of the 2 year olds that point or stare at people in wheelchairs or facial disfigurement- it's not as bad obviously but it's still not right to judge. To be honest that is actually for any age.