Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

[thepeopleversuswork]

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

If she stays overweight she will have a lifetime of these comments ahead of her. And I say that as someone who has always struggled with weight.

• someone at school telling she needs to go on a diet.

By your own admission you’re not feeding your daughter properly .
The other kids was right

For god sake your child at 9 is noticeably overweight and you want to get another 9 year old in trouble for mentioning it. Put your energy into helping your daughter with her diet and ensuring she gets enough exercise.

You could make things worse for your dd, if she is asking you not to get involved then please don't. It will pass - children say mean things all of the time, you would be far better investing your energies into teaching her how to stop worrying about comments and having a comeback or two in place.

'Thank you but I am really happy with my body the way it is' could be one
or ' I am happy with the way I am thanks xx' might be another. Being confident and comfortable enough in herself to not take these things to heart. Explaining to your dd that it takes all sorts of people to make a world an interesting place, that it would not do for us all to be the same.

I always focus on what the body does for the child, the strength in her legs to run, her hair for keeping her warm, her eyelashes to protect her eyes etc.
If you focus on the function of the body rather than the appearance she will come through this with her self esteem in tact, and a healthy respect for herself.

I think you may be projecting some of the anger you feel about it, because you feel you are letting her down a little by not having enough time. Just focus on her wellbeing for a while, and you will both be fine.

Don't call the school!

@bythehairsonmychinichinchin

when you're older you should probably go on a diet She was quite tactful in my opinion by saying when she is older, kids that age generally aren’t as tactful!

Exactly! The kid is nine years old and found the sensitivity to at least look to the future rather than imply that your daughter is overweight now. And you don't know what the conversation was that led to that comment. Maybe it was your DD or another child who brought up the topic of diets.

No way should that girl face a telling off from either her parents or the school. She's nine. She'd end up with her own set of complexes, when she did nothing wrong given her age.

Do not mention anything to the other child's parent. You shouldn’t need a 9-year-old to tell you this.

You could mention it to the teacher so she can keep an eye on interactions between the girls. However, if the school has a Family Support Worker or similar, you should speak to them as they would be best placed to support you and your DD.

Sorry but you can’t blame “learned misogyny” for your own (admitted) shortcomings in your care
Or bullying.
Or the school.
Or other children’s parents.
Take control and stop looking for excuses

You don't need to 'raise' anything.
Just grow the fuck up, accept that you're overfeeding your kid and move on.
There's no issue here, and other people aren't going to pretend there is just to resolve you of your resposibility.

bit harsh, but a good summary

Do neither of those things.

I think you have the people come in all shapes and sizes conversation with DD. But you aren't doing her any favours if you are putting her on a path of bad eating and denial about her weight either. In my wider family, the kids all watch us follow the 80/20 rule of healthy food vs treats etc. We all do exercise to be healthy and yes we do talk about cutting back when we put on weight, but more in the context of, its been Christmas, that was fun but we need to focus on healthy eating for a bit now. We are trying to get them to eat well but without the idea that its about denial or dieting.

Lots of adults do go on diets, yes. And they don't work.

Well that’s wrong. They might go on fads that don’t work... changing to a healthy diet and lifestyle changes do work. I lost over a stone and kept it off years, little changes make a big difference.
I used to have awful eating disorders and now have a much more positive outlook on food.

Well this thread is a perfect example of people feeling that other people weight can be commented on.

OP if your still reading I would speak to the school. Because I’d want my dd to know it’s not acceptable for anyone to comment on her appearance. It really isn’t ok for even children to comment on anyone’s weight - it’s non of their business. However I wouldnt suggest how they dealt with it. It will be logged incase the lovely lass has any more beneficial tit bits to share.

‘You probably need to go on a diet’ is a sickly sweet way of saying ‘your fat’. I dont care if they are nine - they need telling to mind their own business.

I’d be mortified if I’d heard one of my kids had said that.

In the gentlest possible way, if another child has been horrible to her (which she has) then it's more than "a bit" of weight isn't it?
I disagree though about not saying anything to the school, but what you say is, and to the teacher- DD is overweight, it all hit me properly when someone at school mentioned it, but it's given me as her parent, the kick up the arse to get it sorted"
And then you get it sorted.

Diets are a fast road to poor body image and eating disorders and they never work in the first place. The rise in anxieties and mental problems related to this is a huge issue.

I don't necessarily agree with this. I don't think that diets necessarily lead to poor body image. The focus is often on promoting a positive body image as people who don't have one have a tendency to lose motivation and turn to emotional over eating. Poor body image is, imo, often caused through media/images rather than dieting. Annorexia is usually connected with stress/OCD/food fears/loss of control, rather than triggered by 'diets'. I think that there are a lot of 'diets' out there that encourage healthy eating through meal plans/food diaries, increasing the amount of fruit and vegetables that a person eats and reducing the amount of sugars. I agree with others that you don't need to make a big issue out of this. Just look at portion size, increase fruit/veg and introduce more exercise (although for weight loss calorie reduction is far more important than exercise). Don't get out the scales or discuss calories. Just do it.

I agree I don't think you need to speak to either the school or the child's parents right now. It doesn't sound as though the child was being malicious in their wordings, just honest from what they've seen in the world and we all know children aren't known for their tact.
Talk to your daughter about healthy eating habits, explain to her that yes people come in different shapes and sizes and not everybody is accepting of that. I also think as you've stated her being overweight it is something you should look at tackling, because it's easier to instil good nutritional habits at a younger age. Though you sound as though you're willing to do that. If it happens again and your child gets upset, then of course there is no harm in just mentioning it to the teacher to be wary of what's being said but I wouldn't take it further than that.

YABU - she is overweight. What are you going to do about it?
Diet and exercise - great start!

Diet doesn’t mean crash diet and not eating anything for days, but making changes in your eating habits

• reduce portions
• eat a more healthy diet
• no eating 2-3 hours before bed

@thepeopleversuswork are YOU overweight?

Stop pussyfooting your DD and try to do something about her weight!
( leave the school and parent out!) 🤷🏻‍♀️

Diet is just another word for what we eat. A healthy diet is what everyone of us should be eating. Build on that with your child and be a good role model. Chn her age need an hour's physical activity each day.

I wouldn’t raise this either. I would be focussing my energy on exercise and healthy eating instead.

We know being over weight isn’t good for health so better to teach children from a young age and mould good habits. Too many seem in denial as to what a healthy weight it.

@ZezetteEpouseX

You don't need to 'raise' anything. Just grow the fuck up, accept that you're overfeeding your kid and move on. There's no issue here, and other people aren't going to pretend there is just to resolve you of your resposibility.

bit harsh, but a good summary

Well, hell, I'm a boomer. We roll with the punches.

I think the biggest issue here is that your DD is 9, she does not need to lose weight, she will be growing taller for many years to come. She needs your help to grow into her weight. Small changes like more fruit and veg, wholemeal bread over white, semi skimmed or skimmed milk etc. Please don't start giving her low fat varieties of processed foods as they will be full of sugar. Really it's a case of her appetite being satisfied with healthy whole foods so that she isn't eating lots of 'empty' calories.

I'm not sure if I'd involve school at this point, but definitely not the other child's parents.

I'd do neither. The other girl shouldn't have said that, but ultimately if she doesn't lose weight and gets bigger, she'll be in for a lot more stick when she goes to secondary school. I'm not saying it's right but it's a fact of life. Focus on healthy eating with your DD, teach her to cook, do exercise together. Treat this as a wake up call.

There's no way I'd take this to the school.

You need to make sure your dd's mental health is intact, at home, yourself at the same time as making sure her diet and exercise are OK.

Schools cannot work miracles. The kind of person who snipes about someone's weight like this is nasty. A chat from the teacher, however well done, will not change this. Next week, the child will be on at someone else for some other perceived inadequacy.

At 9 they are generally just honest. Unless they are saying things all the time it sounds like she has said what she thinks, if I’m being honest myself it’s something we all need to do in the right situation. You’ve said yourself that your DD is a little overweight, could it be that you’re upset that this other child has simply stated something you don’t want to deal with at home? There are loads of ways to address eating. It’s not about diet, it’s about moderation, perhaps you could make some changes for you all and discuss healthier eating as a family?

To be honest, when our PM appears on the news saying people who are on the heavier side could probably do with losing a bit of weight, I'm not surprised this happens.
You don't know what the other girl had been listening to or what her motivations were. It's difficult.

I wouldn't raise it, I think I'd focus on the healthy eating & exercise aspect instead.