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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to know I ABU but don't care

330 replies

TangoQueen · 08/10/2020 10:12

My sister-in-law is using Covid to avoid inviting shed loads of family to her wedding- she had admitted this to my husband.

I created this account to vent as in real life people would think I was unhinged. I am ranting and chundering to myself.

I wasn't invited to her wedding and my husband did speak to her but she said there were restrictions, he accepted this until I pointed out his wife wasn't even in the top 30. Now the numbers are even less so I am even less invited but he still wants to go.

I am pissed off , what is the point of getting married if nobody treats you like family?

I know I sound unhinged but I don't care. She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews. This marriage is elevating her partner to family status. I should have this status.

People moan on here about in-laws but mine never bother with me although polite when I meet them but the parents and siblings used to go out on their own for lunch every week before Covid and I was never invited even if I wasn't working.
I have told my husband I won't forgive him if he goes.

OP posts:
Witchend · 08/10/2020 11:42

I think after reading your posts if I was your sil I wouldn't want to invite you if I had no restrictions on numbers at all.

BiBabbles · 08/10/2020 11:44

Shite like this is a big part of why my spouse and I eloped.

I haven't been to any of my siblings' weddings or my spouse's siblings' weddings, we all had small weddings or eloped (my spouse and I were the first to marry out of all of us, clearly setting a trend). I sent gifts and well wishes when informed, and left it at that.

Your choice of having a big wedding doesn't change others don't want to deal with that. I can see why it might hurt for your spouse to go without you or for just him to be invited, but being family and being treated like family doesn't automatically equal a wedding invitation.

pasturesgreen · 08/10/2020 11:44

I know I sound unhinged

And right you are, OP!

combatbarbie · 08/10/2020 11:46

Your entitled to your opinion and I would be miffed too. Does she not like you and you are seeing this as a public display of her dislike of you?

Sonders · 08/10/2020 11:46

People pleaser = someone who goes out of their way to make sure people are loved, cared for and supported.

You're not a people pleaser, you're just adhering to a set of social rules you have constructed for how people 'should' behave. If you expect something in return, that's not 'people pleasing' that's just aggregating expectations that can never be met.

What I don't understand (as well as literally everything going on here) - is how you know you are acting spoiled, entitled and 'unhinged' - and still think your sister-in-law is the one with the problem.

It must be exhausting to live with yourself. This definitely sounds like a strong case for some therapy to help you relax a little more.

VettiyaIruken · 08/10/2020 11:49

Thing is, you're really nobody to her.

She happened to fall in love with a man. He happened to have a brother. The brother happened to have a wife. If she has to choose which very few people she wants to celebrate this huge event in her life, she will want people she loves and who love her. There'll be a token or two for politeness sake. Any invite for you should come from the groom's half anyway. Blame him if you want to blame anyone! You're his side not hers.

Is she your friend? Do you have a shared history? Do you love each other? Do you seek each other out to spend time together?
I'm betting no.

To you, she's just the random who's marrying the man who happens to be the brother of the man you chose to marry.

To her, you're just the random who married the man who happens to be the brother of the man she's choosing to marry.

All this talk of status and shit is very upstairs downstairs. If it were me, I'd wave my husband off and enjoy a day of Netflix and chocolate rather than being offended my high status was not being recognised.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 08/10/2020 11:50

Christ... do any of you ever give an OP who's made a bit of a tit of herself, a chance to back down?

The 'bunny boiler' comment is just the wrong side of spiteful.

Inkpaperstars · 08/10/2020 11:52

I'm almost tempted to suggest to DP that we get married during this pandemic, it's a good an excuse as we'll ever have to avoid a proper do.

Re your situation OP, you are obviously upset about the treatment you have had over the years from your ILs. Don't focus it all on this event and pressure your DH not to go, that is really unfair when it is his sister, and that is how feuds start. It's not his fault number are so limited. Pick another time and place to take a stand.

starfishmummy · 08/10/2020 11:53

I always find it strange when people only invite one person from a married couple to weddings, and when it is family, it's even odder.
But that is in "normal times", at the moment I guess it's something people have to put up with.

As for not forgiving your husband if he goes - yabu

VettiyaIruken · 08/10/2020 11:54

Ignore my entire post 😂 I really can't read. God alone knows why I read husband's sister and thought husband's brothers wife! I am a huge tit!

ChronicallyCurious · 08/10/2020 11:55

She should cancel her wedding until she can invite her brother's wife, the mother of her nephews.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Thecobwebsarewinning · 08/10/2020 11:55

Meh. It’s a wedding. They are boring.

I have three SIL. All perfectly nice, I get on well with two of them and very well with one of them. None of them would make the cut if I were restricted to 15 or 30 guests at an important life event.

You know full well YABU. What’s really the problem here?

Toilenstripes · 08/10/2020 11:56

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You are family. If this happened to me I would treat her with the same courtesy in the future.

BeNiceLikeIRL · 08/10/2020 11:57

Sounds pragmatic, no-one pretending they have to get along just because of being in-laws and getting let off the hook from having to pretend.

One good thing about early lockdown for me was not having to go BIL's wedding.

CaMePlaitPas · 08/10/2020 11:57

You sound like you are 14 OP. Why are you so desperate to go to a wedding anyway? They are so dull.

Lalalatte · 08/10/2020 11:58

I think most people would be annoyed about this IRL.
When we got married we made the effort to make BIL and Sil feel included. The sentiment was not returned with their wedding, nor at other occasions. I for one can't be bothered with them now, if dh wants to send cards and get them Xmas presents so be it.
The best thing is to let it go.

dairyswim · 08/10/2020 11:58

She should postpone her wedding until such time as you can go? During a global pandemic? When literally nobody knows when restrictions will be lifted? Or if they are lifted, could be reimposed before the wedding anyway?
You're having a laugh.

Have you forbidden people to die in case you don't get to go to their funeral?

OhCaptain · 08/10/2020 11:58

@Toilenstripes

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You are family. If this happened to me I would treat her with the same courtesy in the future.
She's not family though, depending on your perspective.

SIL doesn't think of her as family - or at least not enough to warrant her presence at a very small wedding.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Friendsoftheearth · 08/10/2020 12:00

We can't indulge this kind of princess behaviour though lying

op KNOWS she is being utterly U, and yet she continues to issue out ultimatums to her dh and have her own not so private hissy fit. So quite frankly what did she expect exactly posting on here?!

keeprocking · 08/10/2020 12:02

I know I sound unhinged

Has there ever been a thread on MN with such a high level of agreement with the OP??
At this rate if they have some kind of reception/party AC, (After Covid, an acceptable reference now in our family) you'll be lucky to make the cut, irresepctive of your womb status re nephews.

ClementineWoolysocks · 08/10/2020 12:06

She should cancel her wedding

Errr, nope.

Laaalaaaa · 08/10/2020 12:06

Do you also think you should be chief bridesmaid or maid of honour?

aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2020 12:07

I think most people would be annoyed about this IRL.
When we got married we made the effort to make BIL and Sil feel included. The sentiment was not returned with their wedding, nor at other occasions. I for one can't be bothered with them now, if dh wants to send cards and get them Xmas presents so be it.
The best thing is to let it go.

With a guest list of 15? No, I really don't think most people would be annoyed by this IRL, and expect them to postpone their wedding.

NoFilterAllowed · 08/10/2020 12:07

I recently attended my DP's mothers wedding, the limit was 15.
I consider myself to have been very lucky to have been invited when many of the bride/grooms family and long term friends were looked over just so i could go.
I told my DP i had no issue if he wanted to go alone and wouldn't have even thought they would consider me. I think you are being unreasonable.

neversayalways · 08/10/2020 12:08

The issue here is that the family have long been unfriendly to you, and have never made you feel part of their family. You feel excluded and it hurts. The wedding feels like the final straw to you.

Sadly, there's not much you can do about this. That's just the way they are. Flowers