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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretly fuming - DH shrank my new work outfit

154 replies

kithop · 08/10/2020 09:02

I returned from maternity leave during the pandemic and have been able to work from home until recently. I am now back in the office about once per week for client meetings. My body has changed as a result of having a baby and I decided to invest in two smart new work outfits so I could look as professional as possible, and also boost my confidence which has taken quite a hit with everything that has happened recently. After two wears of my lovely new dress, DH has shrunk it in the wash and it is unwearable. He didn’t read the label. It was £80 in the sale so that’s £40 per wear. I am secretly fuming about it as I’m on a budget so cannot replace the dress right now meaning I have only one smart outfit for my professional role. But I don’t feel I can complain as it wasn’t intentional and DH does the lion’s share of our chores (although I do the lion’s share of the childcare). It’s not the first time he’s shrunk my clothes, and it’s generally the relatively expensive items that end up being ruined. AIBU, and what should I do to get over this?

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 08/10/2020 09:05

Why are you secretly fuming?
Ask him why he didnt check the label. Shrink a few of his best jumpers and see if he gets it then.
Will he replace it? Are you scared to tell him you're annoyed, especially if this has happened before?

Thisisnotnormal69 · 08/10/2020 09:06

Unless you refuse to wash your own clothes, I’d be so pissed off at him! Why doesn’t he read the instructions? Did you mention “it will have to be washed at x degrees” or similar? That’s what I say with mine if DP is doing washing, or he just leaves my expensive looking things. TBH he always triple checks anyway.

Is he apologetic?

TwoZeroTwoZero · 08/10/2020 09:07

Don't secretly fume. Tell him what you've written here and get him to go without something in order to pay for a replacement.

SoupDragon · 08/10/2020 09:08

He didn’t read the label.

I never read the labels. That said, I don't buy anything that needs special treatment!

Did you put it in the laundry basket or did he pick it up from somewhere?

happywearingmymaskallday · 08/10/2020 09:10

Many years ago my nanny once put all my very expensive cashmere jumpers (this was before cashmere was cheap) in the washing machine on a 50 degree cottons wash they came out the size of crisp packets! I couldn't say anything she was trying to help. Ive no doubt if I left them in the wash basket now my DH would do the same thing. Anyway from that day on I've never left anything that can shrink/get ruined easliy in the washing basket I always wash them myself, its just easier.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/10/2020 09:11

Why are you "secretly" fuming? You don't have to have a row, but it's perfectly reasonable to point out that this is no longer wearable, and that you will have to replace it. If you accidentally ruined something of his, then I imagine he would point it out. It's not about blaming and shouting, it's about setting things up so it doesn't happen again, as the family finances couldn't afford it.

(I do like "fuming", it's such a good tabloid word, but I'd leave it at the door when you go to have a conversation about this.)

AriettyHomily · 08/10/2020 09:11

I wouldn't be secretly fuming.

DH has done this a few times, he is now banned from doing the washing.

violetbunny · 08/10/2020 09:11

I have my own separate laundry basket for my delicate clothes (mostly work clothes) for exactly this reason. You have my sympathy Daffodil

ImaginaryCat · 08/10/2020 09:14

My DH is notorious for this. He's ruined clothes and put things in the dishwasher that the decoration has then washed off. I now pointedly show new items that cannot be washed 'normally' to him and the DCs telling them I will cut their heart out with a spoon if they ruin them. It's tedious but I remind myself that very few men's clothes and bog standard crockery have this issue so it's not something he was really aware of until we moved in together.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/10/2020 09:14

How did it happen, did you dump it in the washing basket or did he take from elsewhere? The rule in this house is that if something needs washing specially you tell me, give me plenty of time before you need it again and hang it off the airer or wardrobe door.
I dont rummage round the washing basket reading labels checking if everything is safe to wash (or emptying pockets)

Sauvignonblanket · 08/10/2020 09:16

I would be asking him for a replacement. If you're going to take on the laundry you have to do it right - and read the labels. I had this a few times and now wash all my work clothes myself to cut down on problems.

Florencex · 08/10/2020 09:16

I wouldn’t be fuming, secretly or otherwise as mistakes happen.

I wouldn’t leave my clothes for DH to wash either, we both take care of our own laundry.

RattleOfBars · 08/10/2020 09:19

YANBU to be upset but it was an accident so I think it’s unfair to hold a grudge. YABU to be fuming when it’s just clothes.

Just insist he buys you another work outfit?

I’ve accidentally burnt DH’s very expensive work shirts with the iron a couple of times, he wasn’t pleased but he wasn’t cross as it wasn’t intentional. A bit careless at worst.

I also don’t let DH do any of my washing as he doesn’t always read the labels and my wool items shrink!

changerr · 08/10/2020 09:20

I've never left anything that can shrink/get ruined easliy in the washing basket I always wash them myself, its just easier

This^

doctorhamster · 08/10/2020 09:21

Don't fume in secret! Can you replace it with something cheaper until you can afford to splurge again? I'm sure if you went over to style and beauty they'd be able to find you something similar at an affordable price.

I also don't put delicates in the washing basket with everything...I have a separate laundry bag in my wardrobe.

tempnamechange98765 · 08/10/2020 09:23

I wouldn't be secretly fuming (I'm never secretive about any of my negative feelings with DH, probably why we bicker so much!).

That would really annoy me, make your feelings clear. Is it an unusual way of washing eg hand wash/delicates only, or is it a case of 30 degrees? If 30 degrees, I think he should have to buy you a new outfit as that's hardly an unusual laundry ask.

Laaalaaaa · 08/10/2020 09:27

If you knew he was doing the washing then surely the onus was also on you to let him know it needed a special wash. We just chuck our clothes in the washing basket, if there’s anything that can’t go in a standard wash it’s kept separate. Also, if as you say he has history then you maybe should have taken control of ensuring you washed the dress. You are not blameless.

Pyewhacket · 08/10/2020 09:29

I guess you can have a right old moan about it but my man would simply respond with, " do it yourself then ".

timeisnotaline · 08/10/2020 09:33

I wouldn’t be secretly fuming? My dh shrank a few silk dresses and coloured some nice underwear. I was very mad and very clear I was mad!! I certainly didn’t take over the washing, he can read after all so it’s just not being an idiot. He knows if he’s not sure it’s ok to leave it out or ask.
If it happened again these days I’d immediately bag a couple of hundred pounds to buy something new. I know someone who every time her dh gets a speeding fine she allocates herself the same amount of fun money as the fine, not she goes without so they can meet his stupidity costs. Seems fair to me.

Cocomarine · 08/10/2020 09:35

It’s not surprising that it’s generally the more expensive items that are ruined. Those are the items more likely to have special care instructions.

There’s no point in secretly fuming.

However for me, the YABU / YANBU depends on the circumstances of previous offences. If this is a conversation you’ve had multiple times - he’s a dick. But if he once ruined an item 10 years ago, has been error free since then and just made a mistake - he’s human. Some things are obvious that you should check the label... out plenty of others just don’t ‘look’ special care. So if it was one of those and just dumped in a wash basket, then I do think the onus was on you to say - “btw, that dress is 30° on delicates only.”

If it’s happened before enough times, I don’t know you don’t have a system... buy a large mesh bag, leave it in laundry bag. Whoever is washing knows they need different treatment. I do that with my daughter’s period pants - as they need to go in without fabric conditioner. My husband (who does more laundry than me) just leaves them in the laundry bag - or should out, “remind me how you like to do these?”

It’s still a real shame though - good luck with your return to work Flowers

Elizaaa · 08/10/2020 09:35

This reply has been deleted

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3rdNamechange · 08/10/2020 09:37

Wouldn't be 'secretly fuming '.
Also nice bit of blaming OP here from some. It's not up to her to tell him how to wash it , unless he can't read the label.

Original poster
kithop · 08/10/2020 09:38

Thanks everyone. It’s supposed to be washed at 30c but I think the problem is it went into the tumble dryer (which we don’t usually use but DH used without my knowledge yesterday as it was raining). I did just put the dress in the washing basket. The idea of a separate basket for delicates is a good one. I have raised it with DH who has apologised. I have some residual angst but the sympathy I’ve received here and knowledge I’m not the only one has helped Smile

OP posts:
Audreyseyebrows · 08/10/2020 09:38

I grab stuff from the basket and put it in the machine. If it has special washing instructions it doesn’t go in the basket and who ever it belongs to is responsible for washing it.

XH once shrunk all of DS wool nappies white I was on a much needed break. I couldn’t say anything as I had escaped for a weekend and was very grateful but it turned into a very expensive weekend! I had said to leave them and that they couldn’t go in the machine.

Brefugee · 08/10/2020 09:39

Secretly fuming nibbles away at you and isn't healthy. Tell him to read lables.

But don't put anything in the washbasket that can't be washed. Ever. We have a system for bras/washable make-up wipes/face masks where we put them in a box on the top of the machine and every now and then I put them in on the handwash cycle or whatever. Things that can't be washed go on a coathanger until someone sorts them out. Things that have to be washed inside out, go in the washbasket inside out. Pocket checks are done by the person putting the washing in the basket. There is no responsibility to check by the person doing the washing (since that is usually someone doing it in a hurry before work)

You need to find a routine