People who alway want to 'host' things

[Frenchblue]

There are always threads about this on here, usually in regard to Xmas and often involving MILs. To me it comes across as a bit controlling and also quite 'look at me, I'm such a marvellous cook and home maker' etc. It reminds me of Monica in Friends when they swap flats and she gets arsey because people prefer to go to the boys' place. What is the big deal about 'hosting'?

Are you always so relentlessly negative that even when people offer to give you free food and wash up, that you conclude this means they are being shitey towards you?

As the host you are totally in control though. It is your ‘manor’ and people have to come to you.

It can be nice but I really wish people would come to me more. I make all the effort and it’s really stressful. I have a child with SN and it would be so much easier to have things in my home. The problem is - the friends and family who ‘host’ are the ones who never moved anywhere. And if they did, they still somehow manage to get all their family to come to theirs. Always.

It’s not comfortable, I end up sleeping in messy untidy bedrooms and they always moan about how stressful having ‘everyone’ there is - so I end up cooking a meal or helping to tidy up whilst my kids run around in unsafe surroundings.

I have often thought I will give up going to see them as I don’t really want them to host. I want to! But the amount of excuses... I live too far away etc... I don’t really. I will lose touch with some family and friends with their insistence that they always host, but I am considering just dropping the visits!

I hate hosting, I hate being a guest more, I'd rather eat out.

I don't really understand. Surely if nobody wanted to host, nobody would ever be able to go to anyone else's for dinner/Christmas/a party etc? Or is it the fact that some people enjoy doing it that bothers you and makes you think they're attention-seeking? Would it be fine to host as long as you're hating every minute of it?

Tbh I don't see what's remotely attention-seeking about liking to provide and enjoy nice food and good times with family and friends. I like hosting and being hosted. Dh often does the lion's share of the cooking when we host, so that's a bit of a bonus too.

I love both! I just love being around people and hearing about them and spending time with them. I love that people want to come to ours for dinner, but also love it when we get invited to other’s for dinner! We can’t afford to have meals out much, so this set up works really well for me 😊👍

I rarely host as my house is tiny but I enjoy being a guest at others as it's more practical, especially when there are large numbers involved. I've a friend who only ever hosts as she admits it gives her a sense of control over proceedings which she prefers. Despite the work she finds this more relaxing.

I like hosting, but I also understand that others do too. The annoying hosts are the ones who act like they're doing you a favour hosting while refusing to be the be the guests because that is what they prefer.

I don't like going to other people's houses - I can't relax. Plus we're vegan and it's a stress nightmare feeling like you are being a monumental pain! I end up telling people not to go to any trouble, and sitting there with a plate of plain cabbage and a glass of water - because non-vegn/veggies don't realise that quite a lot of drinks, especially white white, have isinglass in them.

We solve this problem by not going anywhere - and because we are vegan nobody wants to eat their Christmas meal at ours anyway Even though we have a fab roast dinner - the best bit of it is the veg and roasties anyway.

I don’t think people who always want to host realise how pushy about hosting they can be.

They often like the gratitude and attention it bring I think.

They are the same people who on the occasions they come to you end up bringing a load of food with them so you are inundated. Gone are the days you could just rock up with a bottle of plonk, it seems everyone is a bake off professional these days!

You can actually host now and end up with more food and drink at the end than you started with.

exMIL's nose was seriously out of joint when exH and I announced we would stay home for Christmas. Traveling nine hours with a car-full of DCs, clothes for a week, presents, then home again with even more presents, often in bad weather (freezing fog, snow, iced-over bridges) was a huge hassle. I hated coming home to a house that had no Christmas leftovers in the fridge, no lingering remains of the holiday except for the Christmas tree. By contrast, staying home was terrific.

I also got to cook and eat a traditional Irish Christmas dinner, no disappointing cornbread and celery stuffing (yeuuuugh) - we had my own version of Mary Berry's sage and onion instead (yay!), mince pies, and our dinner served hot instead of vaguely warm (always had to wait until about 20 people were served before eating at MIL's).

Best of all, we could all spend the day in our pajamas and the DCs didn't have to suffer under the 'children should be seen and not heard' rule.

Before Covid I used to host various charity events and parties and often had to 'pay back' people who had invited us to lunch or dinner. Now when I open a cupboard and see the vast amounts of glasses, plates, tea sets and cutlery I smile a happy smile and think, thank God I don't have to do all that any more!

I really enjoy it. I love watching everyone enjoying themselves in an experienced designed by myself. I really like people to be able to have the very best time. Plus everyone will make memories that they’ll back on fondly for years.

I host because I can cook and I don't need to ferry an older child and a toddler to someone's house where I'm constantly on edge wondering what the toddler might touch.

@ladycardamom

I love them because I hate hosting.

Snap!

I prefer to host because I have Coeliac (and am picky). If I host I can be sure of a safely prepared and delicious meal. I 'trust' my son & DiL, my brother, and a couple of my friends to keep me 'safe' and serve a meal that is delicious to all.

But I've been 'hosted' for meals that have made me very ill (unintentionally, I'm sure), been told to bring my own food (which is fine), or have been served a salad and a potato where I couldn't have the dressing and the butter was already contaminated.

Do I actually WANT to host every single time rather than being able to 'relax' as a guest? No, but I also want to enjoy the occasion with no 'side effects'.

Indeed, as PP have said, a HUGE thanks to all of you who love to host.

I absolutely hate it. It means I have to clean and tidy up, and then cook. It's all too much for me, absolutely not what I want to be doing.

Far happier to let those who wish to host do what they do best. I will just rock up with gifts and be grateful.

I like hosting in the summer when we can be outside. We have a swimming pool and a big garden and I’m happy to lay on a bbq.

I like hosting in the winter when I can so something like a big lasagna, salad, garlic bread. I am a good cook, make everything from scratch and provide lots of wine! We can be cosy and have a fire and we have a playroom for the kids.

I find Christmas very tiring, although I always do it due to space. We’re always out on Christmas Eve, then it’s a mad rush to get the presents out / kids to bed. Then it’s a whole day of cooking and so expensive with 20 people in my immediate family. I’ll be sad if it doesn’t happy

I like hosting because it means I haven’t got to think about what to do with the dog.

I do it because I’m a very good cook. I get bored cooking the same old things for my family who take it for granted the food will nice. They are polite and say thank you but it’s nothing special to them. It’s nice to cook for other people who really appreciate it and compliment me and ask to take leftovers home.

I do it because It motivates me to tidy up.

I do it because I’m very fussy about what I eat and drink and know I will get food and wine I like in my own home.

I do it because I hate driving.

I do it because I don’t want to have to restrict myself to one glass of wine.

I do it because I love it.

I do it because I like an early night and my friends don’t mind if I go bed at 10pm and leave them to party on without me!

I also enjoy going to other people’s houses and being cooked for and attended to but in most groups of friends /families you have people who tend to host and people who prefer to be guests. There’s nothing wrong with either way.

I prefer it because I'm more relaxed that other family members. I'm not precious about my house or the way things are done, however my family members can be. It's not relaxing or enjoyable when they are hosting and you can see how stressed they are.

I hate hosting, I think it stems back to childhood when my mother would get hugely stressed out when hosting dinner parties etc.

One of my best friend adores hosting. She is amazing host. I have had amazing days/evening there. It is all very casual and we all bring food/wine etc

Normally, we use a local cab service (it is a very rural area and he is the only person who can find it). He is always invited in for coffee/dessert/sandwich.

I love hosting. I'm a good cook, a non-stressy & flexible cook, & like to think I make people welcome, without showing off.

XH & I hosted Christmas a couple of times in the early days, a handful of dinner parties and a drinks party or two, but when the his hoarded mess rapidly became too much it all dried up. Invitations to other people's dried up too, as we weren't reciprocating (I thought, or perhaps they'd gone off us him)

XH wouldn't tackle the his mess I think because he actually didn't want people round, & this was a great excuse - telling me we'd sort it out and then have people round, but refusing to do it or let me do it.

Lots of hosting since getting together with current DP & we both enjoy it.

I always host Christmas for the extended family, always have. It is expensive, and so much work, but I (mostly) love doing it. We have the space, the money, have bought all of the nice china and silverware, etc. over the years and my DH is an excellent cook. I am an excellent eater.

My DC have told me that I get very antsy as the day approaches, and that I'm very demanding of perfection. It is true. My poor DH always needs a big rest after, from hauling all of the extra table and chairs up from the garage, and moving enough furniture to seat everyone for eating. However, that moment when the tables are set, the glasses shining, the flowers in place and the candles ready to light - that's the best bit of it all for me. Well, next to that moment when we are all at table and do a toast to those with us, and those we wish were with us.

I have, on occasion, been pissed off that everybody just EXPECTS that we will do it, and we have never been invited elsewhere. Just an invitation would be nice, even if not really possible. However, I understand why, and I'm fine with it, in the end.