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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People who alway want to 'host' things

174 replies

Frenchblue · 07/10/2020 14:19

There are always threads about this on here, usually in regard to Xmas and often involving MILs. To me it comes across as a bit controlling and also quite 'look at me, I'm such a marvellous cook and home maker' etc. It reminds me of Monica in Friends when they swap flats and she gets arsey because people prefer to go to the boys' place. What is the big deal about 'hosting'?

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 07/10/2020 16:10

We've never actually hosted more than DM, but if we are at my house, I cook, she helps.
At her house, we all instead bring a course. So that year my DB brought the meat, I did the veggies, DS did her roasties, etc and anyone left over or who are awful cooks brought the booze!

Charleyhorses · 07/10/2020 16:11

I am heartily sick of hosting and would happily go anywhere to avoid it.

steppemum · 07/10/2020 16:12

@Minimumstandard

Taking them elsewhere is like a military operation and really stressful unless there are more small children at whoever is hosting's house.

And it's still stressful unless the host's children are worse behaved than yours. DS is quite well-behaved for his age now, but when he was younger, we would only visit people with feral children. If their children were drawing on the walls or tipping cereal on the floor, I felt less bad when DS was crumbling cake into the sofa.

I love this, and couldn't agree more.

I vividly remember going to a young couple's flat. We were overseas working together, a group of 3 families with kids inlcuding mine, and this couple. They had set up some toys and colouring in their bedroom, so we could sit and chat a bit.

I was uneasy about unsupervised kids in their bedroom, but when I said maybe that wasn't a good idea, young couple got cross and said I was being controlling and it was their house. I immediately removed the felt pens, and said, sorry, ds (2.5) will draw on the wall, why don't we keep the pens and paper out here where the grown ups are. But the young wife insisted that the kids could play in her room.
Then one of the other children asked for the pens and the young wife took the pens back into the bedroom. I didn't see this at the time.

Sure enough, ds drew all over the walls. Wallpaper, rented flat.
They were very cross. I was furious. I was expected to pay (a lot, it needed repapering) to clear up a mess of their own creating. They said I should have more control over my toddler.
Yep, that 2 year old that I told you not to give pens to, and tried to tell you not to let play unsupervised in your room, but you insisted, and told me I was a control freak, that one that I was trying to control Angry

3 years later they had a toddler themselves and he wrote to me and apologised, he hadn't realised how hard being a parent was....

Benjispruce2 · 07/10/2020 16:15

I like hosting, I also like being a guest if it’s comfortable and I like the food and drink. I hate being invited to family occasions when there isn’t enough food or drink and you have to make drinks eek out so I’d rather they came here.

HandfulofDust · 07/10/2020 16:18

I hate hosting personally so am happy there are others who enjoy it! I don't see anything wrong with enjoying being a host especially if you're good at it. Itcwoukd be irritating though if they didn't give other people a chance to host too if they want to.

KatherineJaneway · 07/10/2020 16:18

What is the big deal about 'hosting'?

I'd love to host more but I don't have to room (not even a dining table!)

While I always cater for my guests needs, when you host you do have the chance to have things you own way a bit. I remember going to a relatives for Christmas and she'd invited some random friend and her daughter for Christmas lunch. I found that hard as I wanted to relax with family after a very difficult year but couldn't with her there.

Stripesnomore · 07/10/2020 16:20

I don’t care either way. I just don’t want the hassle of going anywhere on Christmas Day.

ChillerKillerCroissant · 07/10/2020 16:20

I'd rather host than travel to someone else's house tbh, but we usually end up being the ones to go to someone elses. We did get visitors when DD was a newborn, but within a year it was back to everyone expecting us to visit them and pick someone else up/give a lift on the way.

We relocated and having lived here for almost a decade now, only one of our siblings has ever visited us. The rest CBA but expect us to visit them, which really grinds my gears when they go and visit other family/siblings who live a lot further away than we do. Needless to say, the lockdown means we haven't seen any family for a very long time indeed Sad

oldwhyno · 07/10/2020 16:20

I like hosting. I love cooking, cooking for others, and drinking whilst I'm doing it. But if somebody else wants to host and let me drink whilst reading the papers, watching sport, playing games, then I'm perfectly happy with that too.

Some people feel as though the have to host, like we have to take turns or something, and they actually make it clear they don't really like it. I'd rather they didn't bother.

Nottherealslimshady · 07/10/2020 16:21

I like hosting because I dont have to travel as much and I prefer my food

Minimumstandard · 07/10/2020 16:25

@steppemum. Shock. Felt tips unsupervised around toddlers...! Idiocy... Never in this house...we don't have felt tips and the (washable) crayons are kept in a toddler-proof box and only come out in the kitchen.

3 years later they had a toddler themselves and he wrote to me and apologised, he hadn't realised how hard being a parent was....

Grin.

I think being a good host is about making your guests feel comfortable. When DS was little, my NCT friends always used to love coming to us. What 'comfortable' meant in that context was having two large playpens joined together in a corner of the living-room to make a giant baby 'cage'. All babies put in there with toys, the mums could have a sit down with a hot drink and we just had to break up any baby brawls that occurred. Everyone happy.

N0tfinished · 07/10/2020 16:26

I prefer to host because child with SEN copes better at home & I can actually relax a small bit rather than just helicoptering him all the time. I have to have MIL and DBIL. When she hosted, I would have to cook some dishes, bring them to her house and would always have to leave early with DS. I found myself going home to cold empty house with no food, while everyone else stayed behind and ate all the leftovers.

mindutopia · 07/10/2020 16:26

My dh is one of those people who always wants to host. I think it's because he is a people pleaser and he thinks it's polite. Also realistically, we have young ish dc and no one wants us in their house. I mean, I'm sure it's not really like that, but we are just a lot more hassle to host and we don't all fit in someone's tiny spare bedroom. Most of our friends and family have not had dc until very recently, so them coming to us is, I guess, the most sensible option.

I think part of it is though that he thinks is nice and relaxing to not have to go anywhere and he doesn't appreciate the work involved in cooking, sorting bedding, cleaning up after a house full of people. I nearly always do it because I'd rather cook and clean up than have to sit around entertaining his family. It's easier to hide in the kitchen! I do now make him do all the shopping and cleaning though. With dh some of it is definitely down to wanting to please people and not wanting to ever say no, even if it's a pain. I am increasingly putting my foot down though and insisting he meets up at other people's houses, so that I can have a nice peaceful day/weekend at home.

movingonup20 · 07/10/2020 16:27

I preferred hosting Christmas because there was more of us, I had the biggest house, and I'm the best cook (well I prefer my cooking and that's all that matters Grin).

This year all bets are off because of (a) covid (b) I moved away from stbexh (c) both kids are in halls. I'm secretly hoping for full lockdown so I don't have to make decisions!!!

blueberrypie0112 · 07/10/2020 16:28

If they want to host, be my guest, I have never host anything. It makes me nervous

stayathomer · 07/10/2020 16:30

I dont think it's all as clear cut as wanting attention, I think it's people enjoying partaking in a family occasion and being busy, and having an opportunity to have family together and look after them like they used to before they left.

Wexone · 07/10/2020 16:33

We always nearly host. We don't have children and we have the space. As well as that himself is an excellent cook plus has dietary requirements. My own mother is a terrible cook and I hate going for dinner there, she doesn't plan properly and everything ends up being overcooked and rushed. As well as that even after 40 years of age she still cooks dinner none of us eat so I have ended up eating toast or nothing. She invites people yet doesn't make an effort and says she doesn't care, I am like why do it then ? When we do it we make an effort, prepare a nice dinner make sure there is enough, dinner that everyone will eat, enough drinks and a nice dessert. Also house is warm - nothing worse than going for dinner in a cold house. My mother in law is an excellent cook and host but she is not able to do it anymore

steppemum · 07/10/2020 16:33

thing is, when some people host, it is wonderful and eveyrone has a good time.

When others host, it is much less relaxed and eveyrone is a bit on edge.

Only the first should be allowed to host!

Redcups64 · 07/10/2020 16:36

We host, although use that term loosely, people know where the kettle is 😂

I do it because I don’t like going out and I like being at home.

However I do t just Xmas, not in your life, couldn’t handle people all day!

Disappointedkoala · 07/10/2020 16:46

I hate hosting, I'm a good cook but not a natural host. I'd much rather go to other people's houses. I'm a good guest though - always take something, help clean up.

SonjaMorgan · 07/10/2020 16:51

I love cooking and I am quite good at it. I am happy to go to other people's homes though. We have a family member with a big, beautiful house who hates cooking so they normally ask me to deal with that side of it.

We also have relatives who have a dirty home and I try to get out of going there. They have 6 dogs and refuse to travel to visit other people. They also never cook or make an effort to entertain.

oakleaffy · 07/10/2020 16:54

All hail to Hosters!
As a crap hostess, I am massively grateful when others host.
Very very thankful for their kitchen skills and organising abilities.👍💯

LionessRoar · 07/10/2020 16:54

I prefer hosting as I enjoy planning everything eg what to cook etc. I am autistic and anxious in social events, even with people I know well so being in my own environment makes me feel more in control. It means I don’t have to worry about when is the right time to leave, without being rude. I am an incredibly picky eater with sensory issues around food so I get very stressed out about not knowing what food I will be eating in advance and their doesn’t seem to be a polite way of asking people in advance eg we are due to go to my in-laws this weekend and I already know one thing that she is making that I won’t eat due to the texture and am anxious about what else there will will be to eat. I hate refusing food because I want the host to feel happy and appreciated and don’t want to seem rude. I’ve also been many places where someone has tried to cater for me but has got it wrong and I just want to cry because I can’t eat anything and don’t know how to refuse without upsetting or offending the other person. My anxieties around food are something I really struggle with and nobody really understands that. However, on a positive, I am an extremely good cook and always go to a lot of effort to ensure everyone eats really well and hopefully has a good time

nibdedibble · 07/10/2020 16:59

This has got me thinking.
When I host, my in-laws frustrate the hell out of me by doing things like asking ‘can I use your loo?’ We have known each other for almost three decades, please, knock yourselves out.
I guess it’s me - they can’t relax around me.
Oh well.

zatarontoast · 07/10/2020 17:00

I always host, not because I like cooking or the attention Hmm but because I want to see my extended family and if I don't host no one else will and we won't see each other. In some ways I resent it as any gathering is now by default at my house, DM announced "big party after lockdown" and I knew that I would be hosting that. Still, I'd rather be hosting than not seeing the family. I hate the mumsnet narrative of 'just our little family'.

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