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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this rule is awful

168 replies

Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 16:16

Dm is in a carehome and doctor has confirmed she is in the last stages of dementia and is end of life.
Visits are now allowed but only the ever the same 2 people because of covid there are 4 of us meaning 2 will never see our DM before she passes.
I'm really upset.

OP posts:
Rebelwithallthecause · 06/10/2020 16:17

I’m so sorry Flowers

These rules when applied to dying relatives seem barbaric

pepsicolagirl · 06/10/2020 16:17

I'm so sorry. What an impossible situation.

NancyBotwinBloom · 06/10/2020 16:18

I'm sorry op that truly awful. My heart goes out to you.

I'm Not great a putting down words to comfort people but I didn't want to read and run.

Would they let the other two in if they self isolated and took Covid tests? It may be worth asking.

Thanks
Shitzngiggles · 06/10/2020 16:18

That's so heartless.

Ylvamoon · 06/10/2020 16:19

Flowers can you speak to the care home? Surely they can make exeptions for end of life care. Plenty of mask wearing and social distancing.

OneofPansPeople · 06/10/2020 16:19

Oh blimey, how awful for you all.Flowers

Original poster
Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 16:20

The home keep saying its government rules not thiers

OP posts:
Original poster
Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 16:21

Need to do something how to accept this its bloody draconian

OP posts:
FallonsTeaRoom · 06/10/2020 16:22

It's horrible. FIL is in a care home which was 1 visitor only (same one each time) but that's now stopped as they've got cases of covid19 in the care home now. 😭

022828MAN · 06/10/2020 16:22

That's awful... I'm sure it's not possible and you would have already thought about it, but if it gets into the final last days/weeks could your mum be moved in with one of you to be nursed at home and then more people would be able to visit at that point?

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/10/2020 16:23

Care homes are between a rock and a hard place.

implantsandaDyson · 06/10/2020 16:23

It's very very upsetting. My mum is in exactly the same position with my Nana although it's only one visitor. My mum is the designated visitor but she's from a large family and it's just an awful,awful situation. My heart goes out to you, I know how difficult it's been for us.

BlossomCat · 06/10/2020 16:23

johnscampaign.org.uk/#/
Maybe contact this organisation for advice, they are trying to advocate for older people in care homes who need to have contact from their loved ones.

Look after yourself Flowers

CaramelCandle · 06/10/2020 16:24

That's awful. So sorry Flowers hope you can find a way around it and they let you all in.

WhenTwoBecomeThree · 06/10/2020 16:25

Really sorry OP, what a sad situation for your family💐

MJMG2015 · 06/10/2020 16:25

I've heard it a few times, it's incredibly sad

Unfortunately carehomes are stuck between a rock & a hard place because they have so many issues to consider.

They have to consider
their other residents
Their staff
Other visitors
The wider community

& their reputation.

It's horrible for the resident and even worse for the rest of the family, but I'm not sure what the answer is.

Another option is to take the resident out of their care, but, that's often not the best option for the resident.

😢

KitKatastrophe · 06/10/2020 16:27

The worst thing is it doesn't even make sense. Who are they protecting here? Someone who is at the end of their life anyway? Or you - who would be able go socialise with your 4 siblings at any time somewhere else? Or their staff - who dont need to come anywhere near you?

Torvean32 · 06/10/2020 16:29

@NancyBotwinBloom

I'm sorry op that truly awful. My heart goes out to you.

I'm Not great a putting down words to comfort people but I didn't want to read and run.

Would they let the other two in if they self isolated and took Covid tests? It may be worth asking.

Thanks

That wouldn't work. You could test negative one day and become infectious the next day when you visit the home and potentially spread it to staff. Plus you'd have to pay for constant private tests.

Im sorry OP. It must be horrible.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 06/10/2020 16:37

I was going to suggest what @022828MAN suggested. It's an awful situation and my heart goes out to you Thanks

RealityExistsInTheHumanMind · 06/10/2020 16:40

Barbaric and cruel.

Those rule go against any semblance of humanity.

You have my sympathy. Is there any way you can have her home with carers coming in if it is only going to be a matter of a short time.

Original poster
Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 16:42

I've just spoken with my sister about taking her out but we dont think it's in her best interests

OP posts:
spiderlight · 06/10/2020 16:43

I am so sorry - what an awful, awful position to be in. :(

Original poster
Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 16:45

It's not moral what's wrong with us going into see her in her own private room away from other residents wearing masks for gods sake.
Just 2 each time.

OP posts:
110APiccadilly · 06/10/2020 16:45

I think the home are wrong to say it's government rules. My gran was down as end of life care (she's since managed to get better enough that she no longer is!!) and her home only said no more than 2 visitors at a time (and observing social distance, etc). She definitely had more than 2 visitors in total. I doubt her home were breaking the rules - they're very, very good. If you're in England, I would challenge the home on that being the rules.

Also, you are definitely not BU!

Doliv63 · 06/10/2020 16:45

I work in a care home and our end of life residents family are not restricted but have temp check and full PPE whilst visiting and have to stay in residents room. We would never refuse to allow close relatives to be with their loved one .