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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this rule is awful

168 replies

Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 16:16

Dm is in a carehome and doctor has confirmed she is in the last stages of dementia and is end of life.
Visits are now allowed but only the ever the same 2 people because of covid there are 4 of us meaning 2 will never see our DM before she passes.
I'm really upset.

OP posts:

CharlieChickenson · 06/10/2020 17:26

Oh op that's so hard, I utterly sympathise. Earlier this year we had to do our goodbyes over face time to my grandmother as no visitors were allowed. It's heartbreaking to be kept away from our loved ones at such a difficult time.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 06/10/2020 17:27

"The home keep saying its government rules not thiers"
That is not true. The Govt's policies on this have been for rues to be made at Local Authority level but they have provided advice to LAs on measures to be taken to avoid Covid etc.

It is not the Govt who have said only 2 visitors allowed at the bed of a resident at the end of their life.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/visiting-care-homes-during-coronavirus/update-on-policies-for-visiting-arrangements-in-care-homes

lynsey91 · 06/10/2020 17:29

My dad was in hospital recently. I had not seen him for 7 months due to lock down plus I live nearly 200 miles away from my parents.

We went to visit my mum and were taking her to the hospital each day to visit dad. The hospital said he was only allowed 1 visitor and it had to be the same one all the time.

The day before we were to come home I asked a nurse if it would be possible to see him. She said no, only 1 etc etc. I must admit I burst into tears and told her how long it was since I had seen him, the distance I live etc. She went to speak to someone else and low and behold I was allowed in.

bg21 · 06/10/2020 17:29

who has poa for her ? you or the care home ? you are well within your rights to bring her home and let her live out her time with all of you x

feellikeanalien · 06/10/2020 17:29

OP we had the same with my Dad. He was transferred to a hospice and the room he was in was on the ground floor with french doors opening on to the courtyard. They opened the doors and pushed his bed to them so that we could stand outside but still talk to him. I don't know whether that would be a possibility.

It wasn't ideal but it meant that DD got to see him which she wouldn't have done otherwise. This was in July though and I know things may have changed since then.

randomer · 06/10/2020 17:32

dear me , what a very sad state of affairs. So sorry for you but can't help feeling its utter nonsense tbh ( the rules)

UnprodigalDaughter · 06/10/2020 17:33

Contact a solicitor. Definitely.

I'm so sorry it's come to this

GabriellaMontez · 06/10/2020 17:33

So sorry. Its barbaric. Really troubling.

VinylDetective · 06/10/2020 17:34

It’s complete shit. I really feel for you 💐

lifesalongsong · 06/10/2020 17:35

It doesn't sound like you've actually challenged the home on this.

Maybe I've missed it but it seems that you are going along with their ruling, I'd be kicking up a polite but very firm stink

Justwingingmotherhood · 06/10/2020 17:35

There would be nothing and stopping me seeing my mother before she passes. I'd rather take her out the home and give her mine before that happens. I am so so sorry. We lost my beloved nana during lockdown and not being able to say goodbye was heartbreaking. Luckily my mom held her hand to the very end. Xx

AcrossthePond55 · 06/10/2020 17:36

My mum is in a care home (US) and no one is allowed in due to Covid. If your loved one is well enough they will bring them outside as long as you wear a mask, no physical contact, and stay at least 6 feet apart. If not, it's through a window or video-visits only. But due to the heat and the smoke from the fires I haven't seen my mum in a month as it wouldn't be healthy for her to sit outside. She's far gone in dementia so she doesn't know whether we've been there or not, but the visits are important to us, her family. But it is what it is. The facility can and does set the rules.

It's horrible for you, but the care home has a duty of care to ALL of their residents. And one way they exercise that duty is to limit the number of people who are admitted to the facility. No PPE is foolproof and it only takes one person to decide to disregard the rules once inside. You and your family might never do that, but someone else's might. Another case of one bad apple spoiling it for the rest of the barrel.

CountessFrog · 06/10/2020 17:38

Could she go to a hospice? I know somebody who passed away in a hospice this last weekend with several family members present.

TheSeedsOfADream · 06/10/2020 17:40

@bg21

who has poa for her ? you or the care home ? you are well within your rights to bring her home and let her live out her time with all of you x

Do you know what end of life in a patient with dementia entails?

happywearingmymaskallday · 06/10/2020 17:49

I'm a ward sister all our patient due to their underlying medical condition are high risk so we are meant to be a covid free ward although of course we've had covid patients and we've also had relatives (obviously unbeknown to us) with it on the ward. We allow all family in if someone is dying. Maybe not all the time but everyone can come and say their goodbyes the home IMO is demonstrating a total lack of humanity. .

TrickyD · 06/10/2020 17:52

Get in touch with your MP!
I don't believe it is a government rule, it is the care home making it up.

LittlePearl · 06/10/2020 17:54

Push back - my mother is in the same situation and her care home have allowed visits from a number of different family members. Limiting it to two is unacceptable.

Spodge · 06/10/2020 17:55

Disgusting. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

AiryFairyMum · 06/10/2020 17:56

I'd bring her home if you possibly can.

MatildaTheCat · 06/10/2020 17:58

I’m so sorry for your situation. My very DDad died in April with dementia, Covid and cancer. Were were unable to visit at all for the last 5 weeks. It was heartbreaking.

Here are a few things we did:

I was a total pain in the arse and insisted that regular FaceTime/Skype calls must be past of his palliative care plan. This had to be calls made by staff to us since it was never convenient when we phoned. It was patchy and difficult to get agreed but we did get some calls.

When we did get FaceTime calls he did slightly respond to our voices if we kept talking.

We wrote to him with lots of names, places etc included and begged the staff to read out our messages frequently.

Sent hand cream to the staff in appreciation of their hard work.

I saw him by FaceTime the day before he dies and he did look peaceful and I wouldn’t have believed that if I had just been told it.

Incidentally I know several people with relatives in care homes and all have quite different regulations. I accept that they have to act with great care after when has already happened but this type of ruling is cruel beyond belief.

Best wishes.

WorrierorWarrior · 06/10/2020 17:58

OP If you are not the same shape as the current visitors could one of them start wearing your clothes for visiting with several layers under the coat to make you all look a bit more similar.
I can well understand the distress this is causing you and the wider family. I managed to be present at family deaths and would not wish it any other way. As a PP said you all spent good times with DM when she was well and fit and those are the important times to remember but I do understand this is upsetting for those who can not visit. This has been going on for 7 months now and I think hospitals, hospices and care homes should actually start making plans for allowing people to be with dying relatives Perhaps using a room as close to the entrance as possible or the back door, or a room with direct outside access.
I am so sorry this is happening to your family (and all families in similar situations)

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 06/10/2020 18:01

This is wrong. Incredibly wrong. And shouldn't be allowed.

Original poster

Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 18:04

I am going to speak to the home manager tomorrow and ask if they are following guidance or the law and take it from there.

OP posts:

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 06/10/2020 18:06

This is disgusting. Surely she's in a private room so all any visitor would do would be to enter the care home with a mask on, hand gel on entry and walk straight to her room without touching anything? Why does it matter who the two are at any one time?

But it's ok for 6 people to meet up in a pub or restaurant for a sociable drink or meal.

This has really angered me. You need to fight it OP

Original poster

Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 18:06

Yes warrior agreed

OP posts:

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