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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this rule is awful

168 replies

Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 16:16

Dm is in a carehome and doctor has confirmed she is in the last stages of dementia and is end of life.
Visits are now allowed but only the ever the same 2 people because of covid there are 4 of us meaning 2 will never see our DM before she passes.
I'm really upset.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/10/2020 22:50

It's inhumane. My ex is dying and my children have to stand outside the patio door (open 6") and they are only allowed to do this for 30 minutes a week - if they could just sit and hold his hand it would help them.

Justlovedogs · 06/10/2020 22:56

So sorry to hear this, OP. I have a similar tale with my DM but too long to go into here. However, to those posters saying make room at home, it's not that simple. I signed my DM's end of life care plan 4 months ago. Her dementia has deteriorated due to various factors, including Covid, but the care plan only means that clinically they expect her to pass away within 12 months. The reality is that she could go on for a lot longer, so the home is the best place in the long run.
The home allow one 30 minute visit a week, up to two people at a time, preferably the same two but not hard and fast on that. They've set up a room with a wall across the middle with a big window in it; I sit one side, mum and carer on the other. It's not that great but still better than nothing.
DM was Covid +ve for quite a while before shaking it off and being admitted to the home, so I get the desire to protect the residents.
Sending Flowers OP.

notanoctopus · 06/10/2020 23:28

I'm so sorry OP. Hope you find a way round this.

PercyKirke · 07/10/2020 01:18

Been there OP. DW saw her DM before she died but she was the only one of the family to do so. Protection of the other residents comes first.

TheSeedsOfADream · 07/10/2020 06:14

@vodkaredbullgirl

Us carers hate to see how our residents deteriorate, not been able to see family and friends. Until this virus is under control, there is not a lot we can do about it.

I work in a dementia unit and if it ever came into our home, it would cause mass destruction.

If we have a resident on the end of life and no family can visit. We will sit with them throughout our shift. Then the next carer will sit with them till their end of shift.

No one is left to pass away on their own.

Thank you red bull. Flowers For everything you and other carehome workers do. Knowing what you do all night let me sleep at night for 4 years. You all deserve the highest wages and recognition in the land. Brew
Florencex · 07/10/2020 06:33

My relative recently died in a care home. It was stricter than yours, only one person was allowed to visit, the same one person each time. I understand it because care homes have been badly effected.

However when it came to really be end of life, as in they expected death within the last 24 hours, they did relax the rule and it was open visiting. So perhaps find out if this will be an option and be ready to go if you need to travel a distance.

ancientgran · 07/10/2020 10:39

This is the same for my mother. I actually just asked her about this and she said she thought that that was universal, and if its not, it should be. Apparently her manager is apparently trying to get more tests than this for staff too. But not having too much luck. Local home where I do some volunteering in normal times (doing online admin at the moment) has just got its first lot of tests since one was done in late May or early June. Good luck trying to get extra, we had enough trouble getting our first batch. Matt Hancock has been saying for weeks that care home staff are being tested weekly. Make of that what you will.

ancientgran · 07/10/2020 10:43

If you read my posts it does seem it’s the care homes that are doing the risk assessments and making up their own rules The home my aunt is in has sent us a copy of the letter from public health which clearly says no visits to homes in their area.

TaraR2020 · 07/10/2020 10:56

I'd question whether they're allowed to deny two of you from visiting, my understanding is that the government intervened some time ago and said that relatives are allowed to visit at the end of life.

I'd also look to get in touch with your local councillor and / or MP and ask them to intervene on your behalf.

Good luck and I'm so sorry you're going through this,

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/10/2020 12:07

Inhumane and barbaric..

I'm so sorry that you're having fight this OP and anyone else in similar position.

So.. As others have said... I'd speak with (in order - imhoWink).
The manager /clinical director.

If no decent compassionate response... Please call a solicitor with experience in this... To find out EXACTLY what your mum's rights are and the safeguards in place. You may be able to access this through your union or home insurance?

Go back to the home with this info... If no movement...

Your MP....ask them to intervene... If they won't...

Especially if they are tories...

I hold the government and their appalling mismanagement of covid entirely accountable for two main reasons ... Care and nursing homes were lambs to the slaughter and were whipping boys for theur utterly badly thought out process...

  1. Where covid postive folk were discharged, untested, from hospitals straight to care homes... Where surprise, surprise, it spread like wildfire.

The PM then BLAMED the care homes... (he's an arse..)

  1. The government have NOT followed the science... They have continually flip flopped on policy and regulation, so individuals dont know whether they're coming or going... It's too easy for care homes. Just essentially to say no/one visitors rather than risk fines/cqc complaints...

I sincerely hope you get to see your mum OP.

She's lucky to have you advocating!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/10/2020 12:09

PS or perhaps do it all in parallel.

A other thought - can you join with other relatives of folk in the nursing home?

I firmly beleive groups of people are listened to more than singletons

Unsure33 · 08/10/2020 12:04

@ancientgran

In the gov website it says exceptions end of life .

Unsure33 · 08/10/2020 12:04

@Clappingforjoy

Any news on your efforts ?

Original poster
Clappingforjoy · 08/10/2020 12:09

Hi all I spoke to the home manager and she said she will see what she can do and come back to me

OP posts:
Whiskyinajar · 08/10/2020 12:14

I’m so sorry OP, we’ve just been in a similar situation with my aunt.
However, the care home were amazing once she was obviously end of life. We were allowed in one at a time to see her and spend time with her. She was in her own room, didn’t have COVID and the room will be deep cleaned. She died two days ago but the home bent over backwards to make sure relatives could spend time with her.

vodkaredbullgirl · 08/10/2020 12:16

Fingers crossed OP

Starlightstarbright1 · 08/10/2020 12:28

I feel so sorry for you and anyone else in that position.. i do also thonk the long term impact of these rules are far more damaging. .. i hope you all get to see your dm

Unsure33 · 08/10/2020 17:39

@Clappingforjoy

Fingers crossed for you .

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