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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this rule is awful

168 replies

Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 16:16

Dm is in a carehome and doctor has confirmed she is in the last stages of dementia and is end of life.
Visits are now allowed but only the ever the same 2 people because of covid there are 4 of us meaning 2 will never see our DM before she passes.
I'm really upset.

OP posts:
Doodlepip23 · 06/10/2020 21:44

Like a PP has said, contact your MP. I’m so, so sorry for you and your family, this is horrendous.

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/10/2020 21:45

Us carers hate to see how our residents deteriorate, not been able to see family and friends. Until this virus is under control, there is not a lot we can do about it.

I work in a dementia unit and if it ever came into our home, it would cause mass destruction.

If we have a resident on the end of life and no family can visit. We will sit with them throughout our shift. Then the next carer will sit with them till their end of shift.

No one is left to pass away on their own.

JKRowlingIsMyQueen · 06/10/2020 21:50

This is inhumane.

Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry · 06/10/2020 21:51

Is there any chance you could bring her home for end of life care?

thecatsatonthewall · 06/10/2020 21:52

@Seeingadistance

It is heartbreaking, but the rule is in place to minimise the risk of covid-19 being brought into the nursing home and infecting vulnerable residents, many of whom would die as a result.
Then why aren't staff regularly tested (its only every 7 days, agency in the community, there is no requirement) and patients every 28 days, if its good enough for staff, then it should be suitable for family members.

The rule is barbaric, inhumane and a way should have been found over the quieter summer period, to get loved ones and patients (any patients) to be together.

thehardsproutcafe · 06/10/2020 21:54

What we are doing to care home residents and families is appalling. Residents have no voice at all, they have no say in what happens to them. Sadly my mum is in a care home and they are currently accepting no visitors at all. My mum has dementia and is going down hill. She is recently bereaved and when we were able to visit spent most of it crying. It is absolutely barbaric to treat them in such a way. They are dying lonely, confused and missing their loved ones. Remember its not just the elderly this may effect. It can be your DS, DD DH anyone of those could be dying and you would not be able to see them. OP I have contacted the DHP and Public Health England over this. They really dont have any clue as to what to do. We are keeping our loved ones safe is all they kept reiterating. Safe from what exactly. Our elderly loved ones are in care homes because sadly they are nearing the end of their life. Do you really think they want to die imprisoned and not having the chance to see the outside world again or even their beloved family. We have put people on the moon, we have a space station flying over us, but still we cant come up with a safe way to visit our loved ones. I questioned our local DHP why we were not allowed to visit standing outside 2m apart at least with masks on. Is it because masks dont actually work. What restrictions are made on the care staff because care homes have made so many restrictions for visitors that it is the care home staff that are taking the virus in now. So they are allowed to effectively see and kill our relatives, we're not even allowed to see them through perspex. Do not let this rest op, only by us continuing to fight for our loved ones will we bring any change.

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/10/2020 21:54

We get tested weekly in our home and it should be in every care setting.

Jaxhog · 06/10/2020 21:55

Of course, it's awful. But more visitors means more risk to the other care home residents, many of whom may be very vulnerable. You may be careful, but many people are not.

thecatsatonthewall · 06/10/2020 21:59

Needs to be balanced with the residents quality of life and their family, there isn't a second chance.
Dementia patients particularly deteriorate more quickly without the continuation of family visits.

GeologyRox · 06/10/2020 22:04

We get tested weekly in our home and it should be in every care setting.

Yes so are we.

NerrSnerr · 06/10/2020 22:09

The difficulty is that it may be in the best interest for resident A to have visitors but resident b may have brittle asthma and catching Covid would be painful and awful for them. Both residents have dementia and lack capacity to make decisions about the risks involved in allowing visitors into the home. What does the manager do? A visitor to resident A may pass it on to resident B because they're being cared for by the same staff and one or both may be mobile and walking around the home and they may not understand social distancing.

Managers just can't say we're happy to take the risk for all residents to catch Covid because of some residents, as awful as it seems. It's shit for everyone but they're trying to do the right thing.

HesterShaw1 · 06/10/2020 22:10

Oh how sad. I'm really sorry OP. The situation people in care homes and their loved ones are facing is simply awful.

Flowers
Someaddedsugar · 06/10/2020 22:10

@Clappingforjoy 💐

I went to say goodbye to my grandmother today who has reached end of life care after deteriorating rapidly with vascular dementia.

We have been allowed to visit for an hour a day previously, and after getting a call today to ask for us to come the care home manager agreed that they would bend the rules to allow everyone to visit today but only two at a time (six visitors in total).

From tomorrow family can visit for an hour a day as a pair, but it doesn’t have to be the same pair each day.

I would echo other posters and ask them to reconsider, even if it was just for one day.

Coffeeandbeans · 06/10/2020 22:15

Barbaric. I’m so sorry x

GeologyRox · 06/10/2020 22:18

What restrictions are made on the care staff because care homes have made so many restrictions for visitors that it is the care home staff that are taking the virus in now. So they are allowed to effectively see and kill our relatives, we're not even allowed to see them through perspex.

I'm going to preface this by saying that as per my previous posts, I don't agree with restricting who can see someone at end of life, where close family members are concerned, however those comments are totally out of order. Care staff "allowed to see and kill your relatives"?! You sound like you're blaming the care staff for this and that's totally wrong. Providing personal care, food, drinks etc is essential, it has to be done or people die, and to do that then you need staff. It is currently being done (at least where I work) in full PPE, we are tested weekly. Doctors, nurses and undertakers also have to visit because they are providing an essential service, again with full PPE and other safeguards in place - so no, care staff are not the only route of infection.
We are managed, it is all a condition of employment really to adhere to those things to keep the residents safe. It's what our whole job is about.
I get your anger and frustration at not being able to see your loved ones, but those comments make it sound like care staff are just high tailing it around passing the virus about willy nilly without a care in the world or any safeguards and that for the most part is not true.

NRatched · 06/10/2020 22:21

We get tested weekly in our home and it should be in every care setting.

This is the same for my mother. I actually just asked her about this and she said she thought that that was universal, and if its not, it should be. Apparently her manager is apparently trying to get more tests than this for staff too. But not having too much luck.

divafever99 · 06/10/2020 22:24

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is so cruel. How can a family decide who those 2 people should be! I work in a hospice, the rules are currently the same. In March/April people in the last days were only allowed 1 visitor. Absolutely heartbreaking. I will never forget the relatives at the door pleading with us to let them in. The government really need to revive this. If you can go to the pub, cinema, have a facial etc, you should be allowed to take turns to sit with a dying relative. Thanks

divafever99 · 06/10/2020 22:29

Review not revive!

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/10/2020 22:30

I have had 12 test so far and all have been negative.

I concur what GeologyRox said, we are all trying our dam hardest to keep this horrible virus out of our care homes.

We need to look at the beginning of this virus, it was all about the NHS. Care homes were never looked into at the beginning. People were been sent into care homes when they had covid, which then spread like wild fire.

Original poster
Clappingforjoy · 06/10/2020 22:31

I'm not leaving this I am going to speak to the manager tomorrow.
I am overwhelmed with the support on here thanks to you all

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 06/10/2020 22:32

In July I had to hold my phone up to my dying mother’s ear so my two sisters could say goodbye.

I haven’t even been able to begin to process that.

It’s utterly barbaric.

I’m sorry this is happening to your family Flowers

Breakupcharlie · 06/10/2020 22:33

Could someone clear their dining room/living room to put in a hospital bed/single bed?

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/10/2020 22:33

@Clappingforjoy I hope that they will all let you see your DM.

GabriellaMontez · 06/10/2020 22:39

lunanorth that's unspeakably awful. I'm so sorry for your loss and that dreadful situation. Flowers

LunaNorth · 06/10/2020 22:43

Thank you @GabriellaMontez