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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking people to use my preferred name?

265 replies

Biancadelrioisback · 06/10/2020 12:32

My first name is quite long and old fashioned so for the last 17 years I've been using a shortened version.
At work, everyone knows me and uses my shortened name (even clients) except for one colleague who refuses. She likes to use 'proper' names for people and refers to me by long name plus middle name as it 'sounds better'.
I've addressed this with her multiple times and with my manager as it royalty fucked up a negotiation with a client as they felt like they were being passed around.
All they say to me is "well it is your name so..."
I mean, yes, it is my name, a name I didn't choose. I ask to be called X instead. No one else has a problem!
My manager even suggested that I legally change my name. I certainly don't want to do that as it is a family name, it means so much to my parents and I quite like having a name and then a 'formal' name.
So AIBU to keep insisting they use the short version? I rarely answer to the long version as no one ever uses that.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 06/10/2020 20:00

Call her Ms PITA

CynthiaRothrock · 06/10/2020 20:07

Yanbu. This winds me up sooo much. I have a short name (On my birth cert/passport) of quite a traditional longer name. My name is legally the short version. I have never been the long one! Yet some people insist on calling me the long version (think vicky/Victoria or becky/Rebecca).

I even had a teacher try to give me detention for not responding to long name and being rude by correcting her, ya know because my name HAD to be the long version! And she didn't use "nicknames".

Correct her Everytime she says it. Reply to any email with your chosen name and tell her again in email that you wish to be called chosen name. Cc in your/her boss Everytime. On the third or fourth attempt, I would state "my name is abc, I have told you repeatedly to call me abc. Not abcde. I do not use abcde, I find it rude and unprofessional that you are continuing to use abcde when amongst staff and clients I am known as abc. Please respect my wishes and call me by my chosen name. Regards abc.

Regularsizedrudy · 06/10/2020 20:13

Haven’t read full thread so sorry if this has been suggested but can’t work change your name to your preferred name on your email address and systems?
What she’s doing is flat out wrong and I would raise it with HR. She is deliberately undermining you and picking you out. It’s horrible, it would actually really upset me.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/10/2020 20:21

I don't think your manager should be suggesting you legally change your name in order to appease some twat who has no manners.

Its ridiculous, if they don't care about you being goaded they should care about it upsetting customers. HR are equally ridiculous, your name is your choice - do they generally support misnaming?

It's for security reasons so nothing they can do!

This is also bullshit, up there with blaming things on "health and safety" or "data protection". They need to validate who you are on employment, not transcribe the exact version onto you corporate ID.

Xiaoxiong · 06/10/2020 23:01

Easy one for that would be to trawl through the system- anyone listed as Mike, Rob or Dave? How about Jo or Kate? If they can use other people's nicknames then they can use yours. And if coworker cow isn't calling those people Michael and Katherine then you know you're being singled out.

FallonsTeaRoom · 07/10/2020 00:22

@tttigress
If your full name is Jennifer but you prefer to be called Sally (i.e. two names that aren't related), she may have at least a bit of a point

No she doesn't. It's up to OP which name she chooses to use, not a random bully in her office!

ViciousJackdaw · 07/10/2020 00:29

I am reminded of a woman I once worked with called Mitch. One co-worker would continually refer to her as 'Michelle' until she flipped one day and advised him that it wasn't even her name, her real name was Isabella. It's probably relevant to say at this point that Mitch described herself as a 'butch dyke', bought her clothes at Burton and wore a binder, and as our co-worker stared at her with a WTF look on her face, she said 'Do I fucking LOOK like an Isabella to you?'

*Name changed to protect the innocent

nexus63 · 07/10/2020 00:48

i have had this problem in the past, i usually say if you can't use the name i prefer then you can call me mrs x, my name ends in lyn and i hate the ine version....lol x

gurteee · 07/10/2020 04:37

@yellowmaoampinball

Yanbu - is your colleague deliberately trying to wind you up? I don't think your manager should be suggesting you legally change your name in order to appease some twat who has no manners.
This
gurteee · 07/10/2020 04:40

They tried to reach me and she answered and informed them that their case manager was [long name] and they weren't available. They went mad as they thought I had fobbed them off.

This is now affecting business.

Your manager needs to tell her to stop this bollocks and tell her this is strike one.

She's bullying you.

gurteee · 07/10/2020 04:41

@yellowmaoampinball

Then do the opposite and shorten her name! Call her by her initials if she really hates informal stuff - go the whole hog and call her T-dogg or whatever.
Grin
BameChange123 · 07/10/2020 06:53

I had this at an interview in the public sector, where you have to provide your "official" name for the purpose of criminal check and security getting plus provide any aliases and AKA (Also known as) . Made it clear i had a preferred name, which was reflected in my email address. The hiring manager interviewer insisted on calling me by my official name despite me correcting him and his colleagues also reminding him during the interview. OP, it's a power play and agree it is some sort of bullying / controlling behaviour. Go high and make a formal complaint.

NewlyGranny · 07/10/2020 07:14

I knew a Jerry and was once present when a pedantic older man thought it was appropriate to call him Gerald. He was actually Jeremy.

That stopped it in its tracks.

Why do people DO that? It's so rude!

happinessischocolate · 07/10/2020 07:37

I would refer to her by a nickname or just by her initials, but not to her directly just to everyone else and especially new people, and within her earshot 😁

ny20005 · 07/10/2020 08:00

You've got 2 issue. Until IT change to your preferred name, they are also ignoring your wishes & it just validated her petty argument.

There is no security issue with you being known by another name. Like others said, if you were Mohammed & known by another name, it wouldn't be an issue.

Get this sorted & then you can address the issue with the colleague.

If your all at home & on teams, just ignore any message or email from her unless she calls you by your chosen name

whatsyournamenow · 07/10/2020 08:13

She would really irritate me!

WhatWouldJKRDo · 07/10/2020 10:16

Your name is whichever name you choose under English law, unless it’s for the purpose of deception - as someone pointed out at the start of this thread.

So HR are incorrect, your name is what you say it is and she’s deliberately goading you.

My name is a relatively uncommon diminutive for my full name. I used to get people doing the same, OP. It’s bloody annoying.

stupidcow7 · 07/10/2020 18:07

Lol, call her something different and refuse to use her 'chosen' name 😂

PrivateD00r · 07/10/2020 18:13

@Biancadelrioisback

I might just call her Gayle. Not even remotely close to any form of her name...
Do, and tell her it 'sounds better'. She is an absolute arsehole op!
FelicisNox · 07/10/2020 18:22

YANBU.

It's a form of bullying: repeating someone's name in full at them every time they address them is a way of asserting their dominance over you. She's harassing you leading you to feel targeted and on that basis you have grounds for a grievance.

It doesn't matter what your name on your birth certificate is: you have made a choice that they need to abide by that choice, it's not up to them to decide what your name is and your boss needs to grow a pair.

Put this to her, repeat the above and state THIS is my name, if you deviate from this again I will put a grievance in. I don't appreciate your targeted aggressive behaviour, you've already cost me a client with your unprofessionalism and you've crossed a line I should have dealt with a long time ago. This is your last warning.

Then mean it.

Let's say you're transexual, you were born Nicholas and are now live and are known as Nichola, would it be acceptable for her to still refer to you as Nicholas? No.

She is removing your choice and that's discrimination.

FelicisNox · 07/10/2020 18:23

Sorry for the bad English... headache from hell.

Edda09 · 07/10/2020 18:39

I’d say it’s not very inclusive and doesn’t encourage diversity. it’s also ignoring your intersectionality and thereby suppressing who you are.

sausagepastapot · 07/10/2020 18:42

What an absolute prick.

SmoggieC · 07/10/2020 18:47

We had that in old place of work, the lady who was being called by her full name and not shortened, went to HR and our team were all pulled and told had to call her shortened as per her email and name card on desk, and if anyone continued to uselng version, it would go down bullying route

Tiredwiththeshits · 07/10/2020 18:48

Just tell her you are offended by her not using the name you specifically ask her to do so. ‘Barbara no one else has an issue with calling my Vicky instead of Victoria. I will take it as a slight against me if you keep calling me x, as I don’t feel comfortable with you using that as previously communicated. If you would kindly stop at once or I will not hesitate to take it further.’