Asking people to use my preferred name?

[Biancadelrioisback]

My first name is quite long and old fashioned so for the last 17 years I've been using a shortened version.
At work, everyone knows me and uses my shortened name (even clients) except for one colleague who refuses. She likes to use 'proper' names for people and refers to me by long name plus middle name as it 'sounds better'.
I've addressed this with her multiple times and with my manager as it royalty fucked up a negotiation with a client as they felt like they were being passed around.
All they say to me is "well it is your name so..."
I mean, yes, it is my name, a name I didn't choose. I ask to be called X instead. No one else has a problem!
My manager even suggested that I legally change my name. I certainly don't want to do that as it is a family name, it means so much to my parents and I quite like having a name and then a 'formal' name.
So AIBU to keep insisting they use the short version? I rarely answer to the long version as no one ever uses that.

My kids like to say things like “if bike is short for bicycle, Mike is short for micycle”

That's far funnier than ever it should be! I remember on an old episode of The Voice where Jessie J called Tom Jones 'Tomothy'!

It must be nominative determinism, but it's surprising how many men of that name choose to open bicycle shops, going on the number of establishments you see around called 'Mike's Bikes' or 'Michael's Cycles' - there's probably somebody out there called Gus who sells buses and a Fran who sells vans

Can you retort by calling her the most awful form of her name.
So for example I’d she us Patricia can you call her Peggy Sue? I’m not suggesting Peggy Sue just pick something she won’t like.

Not the best example!! Peggy is a diminutive of Margaret and not an "awful" form of Patricia!!
But if pissing someone off is the aim, it would probably succeed.

Besides which, Patricia is awful enough anyway. (It's my middle name, so I am allowed to have that opinion)

or else start calling her Frank

I think the deed poll suggestion is a good one
Do what now? Have a word with yourself, will you?

I think you need to focus the issue on it being unprofessional and confusing for clients, as well as disrespectful and not conducive to a good working environment when a colleague persists in doing something they've repeatedly been asked not to do. If HR say it's not their issue then I think you need to ask if they would step in to facilitate respectful communication should a colleague want to be known by a name of the opposite sex and how this is any different. It's a form of bullying and one-upmanship

I agree with Veterinari, and I think she overreached by insisting she use your middle name as well.

I lie when people ask and say my shortened name is my full name. this is after people deciding that they preferred my long name and I hate it. If people do use the long version I ignore them and act like I don't know they're talking to me. That makes me sound really awkward but, in reality, it's never been a prolonged issue. I think my tone and choice of words might be partly to do with that 😜

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I would send her an email, copying in your manager, her manager and HR, along the following lines.

Dear Shit-for-brains
I have asked you to call me X and you have persistently called me YZ. This is annoying to me as you well know and has also caused damage to customer relationships. I find your attitude disrespectful and patronising at best, juvenile bullying at worst.

I have heard you say that you decide for yourself what everyone should be known as, just because you are rude to the whole world doesn't mean I will tolerate it towards myself. I have also heard you say that the name you use for me is 'more romantic', your opinion about anything at all in relation to me has no bearing on my choices and preferences.

You must use the name X both directly to me and when speaking about me from now onwards. Every single incidence of using the name YZ will be assumed to be bullying and will be escalated to HR. As will direct, indirect and passive aggressive comments about me and my choice of name.

It's a great shame that you have allowed something so minor to become a huge issue. However, I'm sure you will be able to put this incident behind you so that we can all pull together as a team.

I used to work in an office where one of the guys was routinely known as/called Shit-forBrains or SFB for short.

"dear Miss Ill-Manners,

Given that you've already nearly lost us a customer with your bizarre attachment to my unused formal name, don't you think it's time to just call me Ava?"

Every single time. Just cut and paste into Teams or whatever. She's the one being rude, you're the one pointing out the business cost.

It is rude. It doesn't matter if it's your actual full name.

It does need addressing with her. I would be concerned about her attitude in other areas if she feels that is ok to continue despite being asked not to.

Have you tried going out for coffee/drink with her and explaining why you don't like it when she calls you by your full name despite countless times telling her not to and then asking her why she persists when it clearly upsets you.

I know you shouldn't have to.

If she still refuses after this just ignore her consistently when she uses your full name.

@Diddl because my name on our internal system is my full name. So when I'm assigned a task my full name is on display.

Can you ask the IT department to change that? I know I had to get ours to change how my name appeared in outlook multiple times (weird spelling). Or people do it all the time when they change their surname on marriage or divorce.

To be honest I would just pull her to one side and tell her you are sick to death of her rudeness. You have asked her repeatedly to use your preferred name, and just now insist that she does, and that her refusal will be construed as bullying and you will invoke the relevant policy and make a formal complaint

Obviously you have to be prepared to do that, but a cross across the bows might make her think

Have you spoken to HR about it. My daughter has a formal name but has always been called a shortened name - but kids at school when they want to bully her use her formal name to upset her. Is she bullyish in other ways?

This is almost like workplace bullying. Refuse to talk to her until she uses your preferred name. Would she react the same if it was her child?

I find this really weird. I know lots of colleagues with emails like Dave.Jones@... or Chris.Smith@... and wouldn't dream of calling them David and Christopher.

I also know lots of people who use their middle name instead of their first name. It sounds like your colleague would insist on calling my grandmother 'Katharine Sarah' instead of her preferred Sarah which is incredibly rude.

I'm surprised your manager and HR haven't respected your wishes on this, your colleague is out of order and she is being both rude and disrespectful.

Lots of people have a name like Alexandra Rose Smith and go by just Alex Smith so I don't know why this woman feels you have to be Alexandra Rose all the time. She sounds really rather odd!

Like a PP I thought there would be a cultural aspect to this. I have had a few people try to call me the English version of my name instead, for example Jane instead of Sian but I always slap this down.

Would be interesting to know how different your preferred name and full name are.

If your full name is Jennifer but you prefer to be called Sally (i.e. two names that aren't related), she may have at least a bit of a point.

It is weird, and that's because it IS workplace bullying.

It's deliberately, publically disrespectful and unpleasant.

She is making a statement.

I wouldn't ask her again, I would simply go right over her head and raise it with HR and be clear that you consider her to be bullying and just state that you'd like to raise a greviance. The issue with the client gives you LOADS of elbow power here.

How disrespectful of her!

I used to know a woman called Lyn which can quite properly be a name in its own right. No problems until someone at her work discovered it was actually short for "Marilyn" (which I thought was nice but she hated) and several people then insisted on calling her Marilyn thinking it was funny or that she was wasting her lovely show biz name. She was understandably furious.

I also have a friend who introduces himself as "Ben", always. There's often some know it all who decides to call him by his "proper name" Benjamin. Except that isn't his name, it's Benedict. Takes the wind out of their sails when he sets them straight, ha!

Ask her by email very politely to use your preferred name, that matches your email and the name clients know you by.

Then you have a written record of clearly and politely asking her.

She sounds like a bully. I can’t imagine calling someone by a name that I’d been asked not to. HR need to realise that bullying isn’t necessarily walking up to someone and saying something clearly offensive. To get away with it you have to be more subtle and colleague is clearly an experienced bully who knows how to annoy people.

His last name isn't 'Cumberbatch' is it by any chance? 😋

[quote Biancadelrioisback]@Diddl because my name on our internal system is my full name. So when I'm assigned a task my full name is on display. [/quote]
That in itself must be confusing for people. I'd be asking for that to be changed. Surely it's a simple enough job for the department concerned?

@yellowmaoampinball

Then do the opposite and shorten her name! Call her by her initials if she really hates informal stuff - go the whole hog and call her T-dogg or whatever.

Haha I would definitely do this

It's for security reasons so nothing they can do!

I used to work in an office where one of the guys was routinely known as/called Shit-forBrains or SFB for short.

We used to have a guy who was a complete and utter twat and thought he was the best thing ever. We worked with several tech companies and i used to call him Mr IBM and he thought it was because i thought he was so good at sales & tech. In reality, as everyone else knew it stood for Incredible Bulshitting Man.