Asking people to use my preferred name?

[Biancadelrioisback]

My first name is quite long and old fashioned so for the last 17 years I've been using a shortened version.
At work, everyone knows me and uses my shortened name (even clients) except for one colleague who refuses. She likes to use 'proper' names for people and refers to me by long name plus middle name as it 'sounds better'.
I've addressed this with her multiple times and with my manager as it royalty fucked up a negotiation with a client as they felt like they were being passed around.
All they say to me is "well it is your name so..."
I mean, yes, it is my name, a name I didn't choose. I ask to be called X instead. No one else has a problem!
My manager even suggested that I legally change my name. I certainly don't want to do that as it is a family name, it means so much to my parents and I quite like having a name and then a 'formal' name.
So AIBU to keep insisting they use the short version? I rarely answer to the long version as no one ever uses that.

Could you do a 'lessons learnt from unhappy client' session, and hammer it home that unhappy clients MUST HAVE absolute clarity and continuity of contact. And so not only is annoying on a personal level for you, but it also seriously jeopardised.... blah blah blah.

I’d raise a formal grievance with HR.

That or lean into the identity thing. You dont identify as a Clementine and it is literal violence to not be called Tina. All your life you've felt like a Tina and it's been really hard for you to ask this of everyone.

Yeah that is a good idea! I'll make her a guide on how to not fuck off clients

"HR agreed that technically she wasn't doing anything wrong as it is my name."
Well, HR are wrong on that one aren't they? Do you belong to a union? Thought about joining and then raising a formal grievance when you've had the membership for long enough? I think it's normally 2 - 4 weeks. Your manager is an idiot as well, allowing this to continue to the point where it nearly lost a client. Unbelievable...

OP, I teach a student called Thea, and her given name is actually Dorothy. Similarly I once had a Dora whose proper given name is actually Meadow. Both corrected me the first time, then that was that. I have also taught numerous male students whose name on the register is Mohammed, but go by a more western middle name. Again, no drama

Your colleague is being really ignorant.

If your long name was only on your CV, which should remain confidential between you, HR and interviewing team, and you have only used your preferred name with company administration and colleagues you could suggest to her, and eventually to her manager, that she is in breach of GDPR regulations.

Try calling her out on it in team meetings. Have a little speech prepared. "Cruella, I have repeatedly requested me to address me as Bianca, and to refer to me as Bianca with colleagues and customers. To fail to do so disrespects me, and is frustrating for our customers and may result in financial loss for our company. To continue to do so could be construed as both bullying and a blatant disregard for our company's profit margin. Please address me as Bianca. Now, would you like to repeat your last question?

I doubt you'd get much change out of HR. I guess they could have a quiet word with her but at the end of the day it is your name so they're not going to fire her over it.

As others have said, it is bullying, provocative behaviour and harassment. All worthy of HR notice –IF the OP uses those words; they're more likely to ring HR's alarm bells, as they make it clear that she's very aware that there are protections for her around these behaviours. Which could cause grief for HR and the company should she pursue things.

Not to mention, it has caused problems in relationships with clients, which HR should definitely be concerned about.

She sounds very petty, and I can see she confused a client. But those are her issues not yours (provided it's clear where the client's confusion arose from). If it grated on me that much I'd ask to sit down with her and HR and clearly explain that your name is X and that is how you wish to be addressed and ask her why there is a problem with this.

If this was just an intra-office gripe then I can understand your manager and HR fobbing you off with "well it is technically your name so she isnt doing anything wrong" but she had made a bigger issue by using it it disrupt client relationships and almost lose a client. Its moved from an office gripe to misconduct with clients issue. You should use that example and call an informal meeting about it. Confusing clients like that, especially when they are already annoyed, just isnt acceptable and that should be made clear. Simply say that everyone must be called by the name their clients know them by. Personal opinions do not factor; her personal opinion is not relevant. It's what is best for client retention and that is consistency, and the appearance of consistent by using the same name.

Gonna be honest she sounds like a complete CF . Report her to management it's harassing . If you ask her to address you in one way she must oblige or else start calling her Frank

How does she know your name & middle name if you introduced yourself as your preferred name?

She does sound like a bully-and is willing to lose (your?) clients.

Would that impact her at all?

"My name is MINE, not yours to do as you like with. I've told you many many times that I wish to be known as Tina. Everyone else in this company respects this. I expect you to do the same"

She sounds like a nutcase. What would she do about people who go by their middle name? My dad and DP's mum are both like that, so if you asked for their first names no one would know who you were talking about - think going by Mike but first name actually being Richard!

I think the suggestion to report it to HR as harassment/bullying is good one, and citing the situation with that client. Clearly she is behaving to your (and your work's) detriment and not respecting you at all. HR ABU to have dismissed your concerns originally.

I would send her an email, copying in your manager, her manager and HR, along the following lines.

Dear Shit-for-brains
I have asked you to call me X and you have persistently called me YZ. This is annoying to me as you well know and has also caused damage to customer relationships. I find your attitude disrespectful and patronising at best, juvenile bullying at worst.

I have heard you say that you decide for yourself what everyone should be known as, just because you are rude to the whole world doesn't mean I will tolerate it towards myself. I have also heard you say that the name you use for me is 'more romantic', your opinion about anything at all in relation to me has no bearing on my choices and preferences.

You must use the name X both directly to me and when speaking about me from now onwards. Every single incidence of using the name YZ will be assumed to be bullying and will be escalated to HR. As will direct, indirect and passive aggressive comments about me and my choice of name.

It's a great shame that you have allowed something so minor to become a huge issue. However, I'm sure you will be able to put this incident behind you so that we can all pull together as a team.

Although, I have to say that my first instinct would be to record the chorus of "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings and play it at full volume every single time.

@Biancadelrioisback

I might just call her Gayle. Not even remotely close to any form of her name...

Do this. When she complains tell her it sounds better! :)

My manager even suggested that I legally change my name.

This is just outrageous. Do they have any idea how much hassle this would cause? Driving licences, passports, bank records, HMRC. All to avoid having a difficult conversation with this cow who insists on calling you Araminta instead of Minty or whatever, in the face of your multiple polite requests to call you your preferred name?

You also need to start pulling her up on it, to her face, in front of others. Beastly behaviour like this thrives in the shadows so throw sunlight directly on it - don't pull her aside for a quiet word, say in front of the whole meeting/group "I'm sorry to have to remind you of this yet again but it's actually Minty." Repeat every single time until everyone around you is just embarrassed for her.

I love the suggestion of calling her T-Dogg. However if you're going to HR with a complaint you are better off keeping the moral high ground. Don't give her any ammunition by doing the same thing back to her. Keep a diary of all the times she calls you the wrong name.

You feel unhappy even perhaps harassed by this colleague. Make it very clear perhaps even in writing, then if it persists contact HR.

Worth telling her that calling someone by a name they do not want to be called in some circumstances could be considered racism or transphobia.

OP, just change your name to Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock, or Crap Bag.

Seriously though, if it is causing you mental stress, then it is a matter for HR and they should be pulling her in and advising her that your name is X and that she needs to use it.

I would advise her clearly, in front of other people, including your manager, that your name is X and can she please use it. If she continues, then go back to HR and state that it is causing problems with work, and that you consider it bullying and harrassment.

I think the deed poll suggestion is a good one, albeit you don't want your work to change bank payment

That is a TERRIBLE suggestion. That's just feeding into this woman's complete idiocity and twatness.

Do you have HR you can go to? I work in HR and would be pulling this woman up asap...'hello lady, stop being a twat, this is XXX's name, USE IT'

@blackamericanonosugar - that's amazing, OP you should do that.

My partner has a traditional name with a very common shortened form (think James / Jamie, David / Dave and he hates the shortened form of it and only ever introduces himself as the full version. He usually ignores people who call him Jamie

Op go back to HR. Its rude, not on and potentially disrupting to business. I have a colleague called Elizabeth who goes by Lisa. If a colleague here had been told their contact was Lisa and then someone else told them it was Elizabeth I'd expect them to assume it was two different people.

Although, I have to say that my first instinct would be to record the chorus of "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings and play it at full volume every single time. grin

Brilliant!

Maybe you should download it as your ringtone, OP.

If you have already asked her to call you xxx the I would not ask again but instead just raise it formally with HR. She pissed off an already pissed off client which is inexcusable.

She is clearly a twat.