Asking people to use my preferred name?

[Biancadelrioisback]

My first name is quite long and old fashioned so for the last 17 years I've been using a shortened version.
At work, everyone knows me and uses my shortened name (even clients) except for one colleague who refuses. She likes to use 'proper' names for people and refers to me by long name plus middle name as it 'sounds better'.
I've addressed this with her multiple times and with my manager as it royalty fucked up a negotiation with a client as they felt like they were being passed around.
All they say to me is "well it is your name so..."
I mean, yes, it is my name, a name I didn't choose. I ask to be called X instead. No one else has a problem!
My manager even suggested that I legally change my name. I certainly don't want to do that as it is a family name, it means so much to my parents and I quite like having a name and then a 'formal' name.
So AIBU to keep insisting they use the short version? I rarely answer to the long version as no one ever uses that.

I've not read the full thread, but WTAF?! It's YOUR name, tell her to do one. Arsehole!!!!

Gosh..This reminds me of when I got a bollocking at work for calling a workmate 'Rebecca Louise' instead of Becky. Difference being, ours was just a joke! We used to do things to wind each other up. Such as that!

If there was anything either of us didn't like, we would immediately stop.

You need to speak to HR again.

I think you’re doing the right thing, give her one last chance and then make a complaint to HR, how dare she decide what you call yourself!

Surely your and her manager(s) know that she lost you the disgruntled client by doing this? Why did they not deal with her about it firmly at that time?

@Biancadelrioisback

The client was a bit of a recovery mission, as in they felt like the service we provided wasn't personalised and they would be passed from pillar to post when they had an issue. So I was dealing with them, trying to win them back. They tried to reach me and she answered and informed them that their case manager was [long name] and they weren't available. They went mad as they thought I had fobbed them off.

Goodness me that's not your fault, how infuriating! How bloody obtuse when she KNOWS you go by the name she dislikes. Her manager should have a word with her about how she needs to refer to you by the name you give clients to avoid this situation in the future.

It reminds me of the time I got the blame for a colleague ringing a very senior member of staff while said senior member of staff was on holiday. I'd asked my colleague to do something, the colleague didn't understand it, so rather than walk 3 metres down the corridor or email me, she RANG someone senior while they were on holiday to ask them what to do. It wasn't even urgent or important. It was my fault because my colleague shouldn't have had to ring the senior member of staff, apparently....

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Almost an exact x-post with LUZON!

😆. Very different suggestions for the style of email though.

I always like a direct instruction what the person should NOT do and a direct instruction what they should do. Anything else is irrelevant in this situation.

She is very rude! She should use your preferred name. Next time she says something to you, reply "yes, ok, [ ]" not using her real name, and call her by your chosen name until she changes her mind and calls you by your preferred name.

Someone else may have already suggested that. I haven't rtft sorry.

Bloody hell, she sounds awful. Regardless of workplace legalities (which are on your side btw) the fact she has already caused actual detriment to your employer by insisting on using unrecognisable names should be the kick up the arse they need to insist she uses the name you go by.

Your colleague is being a dick about this. Could there be another issue here that this is masking? As it seems very odd and OTT.

You can be called what you like at work, people continue to use their maiden names at work after changing them on marriage. Just say you've officially changed your name and won't go by your old one anymore.

She is out of order and it doing it repeatedly is causing a professional issue.

Your manager and HR should be backing you on this, but as they're not I'd be inclined to raise it as a business issue. Tell them that your colleague's refusal to call you by your chosen name (which is the name clients have) is causing dissatisfaction and confusion with clients, who might start questioning the standards of the organisation if employees can't even deal with the correct person in a way that clear and customer friendly.

@FizzyGreenWater

Bullying

Provocative behaviour

Disrupting your relationship with clients

Deliberate continuation of behaviour you've politely asked her not to do = harrassing

Back to HR!

This. Use these HR phrases and push them to act, it's ridiculous and has already affected your work's relationship with a client. God she sounds insufferably antagonistic. Ugh.

I would ask for a meeting with her, her boss, your boss and HR to discuss this, and make it about the incident with the client. It's gone past your personal preference and is actually impacting the business.

I doubt you'd get much change out of HR. I guess they could have a quiet word with her but at the end of the day it is your name so they're not going to fire her over it. And if you continued to make a fuss about it you'd be in danger of attracting a negative profile. Probably not a good idea in the current climate. If it's only this one person then I'd just get on with your job.

May I assume that OP's name is something like Catherine, and that she introduced herself as Kate and that everyone else calls her Kate, but the 1 colleague insisted on calling her Catherine Elizabeth, or Catherine Ambridge?

I've had something similar, and in the end, I told the colleague that if he persisted I would take the matter to HR.

I would e-mail the colleague, cc'ing your manager, and hers, or HR, and state plainly that you with her to call you Kate or Kate Ambridge from now on.

@DuchessOfAmbridge

May I assume that OP's name is something like Catherine, and that she introduced herself as Kate and that everyone else calls her Kate, but the 1 colleague insisted on calling her Catherine Elizabeth, or Catherine Ambridge?

I've had something similar, and in the end, I told the colleague that if he persisted I would take the matter to HR.

I would e-mail the colleague, cc'ing your manager, and hers, or HR, and state plainly that you with her to call you Kate or Kate Ambridge from now on.

Well no you probably shouldn't assume that due to the OP repeatedly saying it's not a traditionally shortened name "Just as an example, say long name was Clementine and I went by Tina or Lavender and I went by Ava"

And you are right that this jeopardises client relationships. If I call and as for Tina, and I'm told 'Your account manager is Clementine Moonbeam' I will think either that this is another person, or that I have been mistakenly calling my account manager Tina all this time, and will feel bad that I've made such a mistake. Nobody likes to feel bad, so your colleague is either confusing or embarrassing clients.

My kids like to say things like “if bike is short for bicycle, Mike is short for micycle”

Can you find a word that would be a unsuitable lengthening of her name and call her that?! Or just call her Bernard. Every time. She sounds like a dick.

I WISH my name was Clementine Moonbeam! Far better than my real name

I find it really weird that she's calling you by your middle name at all.

It's probably just me, but I'd expect only close friends or family to include my middle name, not colleagues.

@brownbreadicecream, I don't understand your point.

If OP Is, say, Clementine Louise Smith and calls herself Tina Smith, my advice would be the same.

OP, I'm wondering if you have a non-British name. Not that this excuses her terrible behaviour but this mention of middle names and the fact that your shortened version isn't an obvious shortening of your name is reminding me of a situation a friend once faced in a job. I have a few Spanish and Italian friends who have the traditional given name Maria, but never use it as a first name. This particular friend is Maria Bianca but has been known as Bea her whole life (Bi in Italy but anglicised in the 20+ years she has been in the UK). This hasn't been an issue on the whole but a few years ago she took a new job where all her colleagues insisted on calling her Maria because they had seen this as her first name on some paperwork. She explained over and over that the name Maria was alien to her and that her name was Bea. Eventually some colleagues resorted to her full name of Maria Bianca and seemed very pleased with themselves for this. It caused no end of frustration for her. On one occasion he husband called the office due to a family emergency, only to be told, there's no Bea here. Often her colleagues would explain slowly and carefully to her that her name was actually Maria, as if she didn't know her first name. Her manager told her that Bea is short for Beatrice so couldn't be used in this situation as it would confuse people. In the end she decided to embrace the double-life that was being imposed on her, which is fine if the entire organisation are getting it wrong but ended up leaving the job less than a year in anyway because there were lots of other issues - indeed as you might expect from folk who couldn't afford the common courtesy of listening and using a name correctly.

You really need to stick to your guns on this one, especially as this woman's stubbornness is having customer service repercussions.

@FizzyGreenWater

Bullying

Provocative behaviour

Disrupting your relationship with clients

Deliberate continuation of behaviour you've politely asked her not to do = harrassing

Back to HR!

Agree with Fizzy.

What sort of an organisation do you work for OP, that they wouldn't deal with cow decisively?

Unbelievable.

Start calling her by a shortened version of her name, and if there isn't one then just her initial or the shortened version of a similar name. Anytime she pulls you up just say "yeah but I prefer this version"

Good grief! She thinks it sounds more romantic?! Next time she tries that excuse, just tell her that her romantic feelings towards you are not reciprocated and you find it highly inappropriate that she reveals her romantic feelings for you in the work environment!

But I do thin HR needs to be involved. Your manager is clearly too soft to grapple with the issue. You've been patient and polite but this is workplace harassment and she's lost the comany business by knowingly alienating a client. That really should have stopped her and it hasn't, so HR needs to deal.

Meanwhile, be endlessly kind and patient as if she were a child learning to read, I think. As in:

"It's Tina. Try asking/saying it again using Tina." and don't respond until she does.

Make a point of thanking others in her hearing for using the preferred version of your name. Say how much you appreciate the respect they show by doing this at your request. Every now and then, ask someone to tell you right away if you ever get their name wrong, as you would never want to appear rude.

If we can avoid dead-naming and mis-pronouning trans people at work without any grief, she can definitely do this for company harmony!

Good luck!

They are English names, ones many people have heard of but probably haven't met one, or at least one under 90 years old.
The joys of traditional family names.